katsmom

Such a Life

2012-01-31T22:03:00.000-08:00

I suppose that purposeful morphing is somewhat better than sporadic changes, but I am such a person of such long periods of living in a decidedly internal dimension, that I find myself emerging without having known I entered. It is somewhat odd, I think, to be submerged into oneself in such a way, even when you are certain that the same aspect of you is still you, however distorted. It is an interesting life, that is absolutely certain!

I look around and see how constant so many other people are, how they appear to stick to themselves in ways I have not known. I cannot say for sure whether that is a good thing, I have simply made the observation. In one way, being a more seemingly steady person in this world shows a stability that is highly desired, in some cases. What gets me is how I know the constant current that runs through my heart that calls for the ebb and flow of the envelopment of transformation on whatever level it is needed. What is not seen in me is the perpetual and vibrant life song that courses through my being, though I am changeable to this world.

As I have said, I cannot say whether it is good, but I am sure that it is perfectly suited to me and my journey in this life. I am assuredly blessed beyond words and imaginations, therefore my gratitude grows in the maturation of such times of contemplation and self-discovery. What mercy I have been given, what blessings are abundant, what life that God has given me. It is a blessing to see the wonderment and magnificence. Glory to God for all things.

Eine Kleine Beethoven

2012-01-19T12:27:00.001-08:00

These past few days I have been listening to the classical music station on the radio, which I have always liked. It is particularly hitting the spot lately. I was sewing on the cloak project for our reader at church yesterday, while listening to the sounds wafting from the airwaves and found myself so peacefully contented. The whole house seemed to harmonize with the beauty of the music. It wasn't anything particular, but it was surely lovely. I am listening to it right now and am moved to write its current influence in our lives, but that is about it, I just wanted to share. This moments' selection is Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata in C#, for piano, and I love it.

A Little Longer

2012-01-15T22:32:00.000-08:00

A silhouetted figure at the window
The rain falls with compunction
It pours and cleanses
The light flashes from the sky
No one can know the storm inside

A strike comes upon us
Flooding hearts wound in friction and love
What will become of this struggle
This blessed selflessness
Ushering this aching

Can you feel my pain
The throbbing and rushing
Setting us on opposite shores
Pressing the waters against peace
They rise with charging anticipation

May the calm come after the storm
May the dust settle readily
As the clouds clear
My heart does not lose aim
Staunch resolve will claim me

Stay here
Just a little longer....

Spiritual Revelation and Peacefulness

2012-01-14T20:56:00.000-08:00

In the book I am reading by St. John of Krondstadt, there is a portion which struck a chord. It discusses early on how we must prepare ourselves to be firm in our convictions when we ask anything of God. We must be bold and unwavering, knowing that everything seen and unseen, possible and seemingly impossible, are all in the realm of God's omnipotence. I found myself realizing how little faith I possess, no matter my thoughts on the subject, and have thought, "And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:24, KJV) My heart has been weak, but "...he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 COR 12:9, KJV) In this weakness and these trials I have come to learn the faintness of my own heart, the changeable nature which I perpetuate, but it is glorious, because in my understanding, I have peace, hope, direction, and clarity!

"It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found." (Luke 15:32, KJV) I feel just like this in many ways of my being, that I have been renewed, yet again, by God's grace, love, glory, and teachings. Just when I have thought it was exhausting to be in this life, to be dragging myself around from time to time, day in and out, God has shown me much mercy and comfort! If could tell you what awaits a person who stays the course of the fast and how the feast day is magnified in the heart and soul, you would never fall away and would always choose to be close to God. By no means do I have any perfection in me, but the growth and life of my every fiber is held up and made whole by the God of love, peace, joy, and all things that make the heart shine in unceasing gratefulness and plentitude.

May you all be so blessed as to know the utter existence of the King of Peace. Love to you all and happy feast of St. Seraphim of Sarov (o.s.)! (Please know that I was writing this in some haste, so if you would kindly forgive any clerical errors, I would appreciate it.)

Humility, a Thought

2012-01-13T20:18:00.000-08:00

Today I had a most unexpected lesson in humility. I learned an aplicable way as to how it is not about what I want, but also what true humility really is.

For one, I have wants and willfulness, much to my chagrin, that I have learned to nurture in this worldly life I have kept at the back recesses of my self. Those things poke up their ugly little heads when I am weary, in doubt, and turn where I ought to have stopped to contemplate. When I am dragged along in this mess I perpetuate, I often have moments of clarity that offer a bit of insight to life and purpose, which touch me to the very core of my being. That is the beginning of my day today.

Later in the day, I had a chance to realize what humility looks like, what its truth brings. I had the thought that, sometimes, it is not so much how little we think of ourselves, but how much we see in one another. That we treat the other person as if they are truly divine within themselves, both in body and spirit; that their reflection is honestly and sincerely that of God Himself. Truth and beauty that lies inside us all, in fullness and in grace, with love and peace.

A Little Update

2012-01-11T22:06:00.000-08:00

We got a lot of powdery snow in the night and the high was below freezing today! It is Colorado in January. I went and had coffee with my Nook to read for a bit, before going to Joann's for fabric to make the cloak for our reader. I have to be nearly non-existent on wednesdays, since Kat is so happy with her time she has with her papa. Today wasn't any different, so I was gone for that much, then home again to eat and gather my things to go knit. I have been out of the house most of the day, returned in the 6 degree blanket of night, and I am about ready for bed.

I read some of two different books today, both of which are spiritually geared. I began with First Fruits of Prayer, by Frederica Mathewes-Green, about the Canon of St. Andrew, as a journey through it during great lent. I really like reading it, so I find it challenging to put it down, as it flows well and draws the reader in. It is set up to be read by anyone, which makes welcome those from various backgrounds, not simply other Orthodox Christians. I also read some more in 'My Life in Christ, or Moments of Spiritual Serenity, of Reverent Feeling, of Earnest Self-Amendment, and of Peace in God', by St. John of Krondstadt, and I find it serious, purposeful, dense, and amazing. I am not sure how it differs from the other title, 'My Life in Christ', but perhaps I will find out. It may be the longer version, I don't know. It is accurate while discussing a wide range in life. As I sat in the coffee shop, I read a short section and nearly cried, because I saw myself in what was being described. It is an honest work that I find gentle and even calming in a time like now. It is hard to describe, but it is all of what I need just now.

When I got in tonight, Jay mentioned that Kat was cuddled up with a blanket and more tired than usual, and even volunteered herself for bed. Something is going on with her physically for her to be so cooperative. She is either fighting off a virus of some sort, or she is low in iron. She has been asking for meat since the feast and that is unusual, as she is our veggie girl, so it makes me wonder if she is low in something specific, and I know protein isn't it. The diet has drastically changed for her since Nativity, but that is as simple as having cornflakes for breakfast instead of hot cereal. It may even be a combo of the two possibilities. I was reading up on the iron deficiency and the symptoms fit, but so do other things. It sites poor iron absorption, rapid growth, and lack of iron in food, all of which may be cause for her possible lack. She has recently had a pretty big growth spurt, we haven't had as much green leafy's around as we are getting low on funds a week from payday, and I remember reading that people who don't process the red color in beets and flush it out, may have trouble absorbing iron. Hmm, I suppose that the next day or so will tell what is going on with her, I hope. I think we will have a green smoothie for breakfast, which is likely to help either possible issue, so we shall see.

There are 3 women I know who are due to have babies within just weeks of one another, between late february through early april! They are all expecting girls and they all have not expected to getting pregnant, either at all, or again! Did I mention that at least 2 of them have march birthdays, but the other one, I don't know hers, but I am beginning to think it may be march, just by default. Wow! I *heart* babies! I am super excited and happy for all of them.

Well, off to bed, for now.

The Twelve Days of Blessings, Thus Far

2012-01-10T20:59:00.001-08:00

Hello, all! We have had a spectacularly amazing Nativity and these past few days have been rather uplifting and cleansing. Uplifting because there is a reprieve that comes after a long fast that is not associated with the food at all. I felt it during the liturgy, even got choked up with the beauty of the feast during the homily, before we even ate, so it is certainly not food related. If it feels like this to struggle this whole life toward God and His kingdom when it is time for eternal repose, I will take it. Though it is fleeting in this earthly vessel of mine, I am so grateful for the presence at all. I cannot remember a feast since Pascha that has been so rewarding and challenging, but here you have it, with great risk and struggle comes a rushing sense of glory and newness that supersedes all humanity and time. What a blessing to be a part of the Church and her Mysteries!

In other news, we are cleaning our house. We are approaching it as if we are moving and getting rid of absolutely everything we don't need or love. It will be good to begin with things freshly, I think. After everything we have been through, finding some stability and routine in this house is very welcome. Things have been upside down since Jay fell ill and, though I am grateful for so much therein, I have to say, I will be glad when we have purged this place of a lot. I am looking forward to feeling the way the condo will be with fewer things and more openness. Kat has been particularly helpful today, as she is usually a bit sentimental, but she has taken things more in stride this go round. Whether it is because she is a bit older now, or that she spent time at a friend's house who have 4 kids, where she has gathered some perspective, I care not one bit! I am supremely grateful for that, no question.

My Taiji is coming along and I can feel how it helps my muscles and overall structure. I know it is helping me heal from all these years of stress and care taking that have taken their toll. I feel more youthful and stronger, so it will aid me in being a better mom and wife. I have learned much and yesterday one of my forms clicked on and felt more natural, so I am pleased. I will be learning an individual sword form, but also one that is with a friend who is also taking class, so it will be interesting to see how we interact with our forms and swords at the same time!

I am wanting to create things and have a few projects in the works for knitting and always have ideas for sewing. One of our readers from church will be traveling to Kosovo at the end of the month and, when he saw Kat's Christmas cloak, he asked for one, because the church where he will be serving does not likely have heat, so we are looking at material and patterns tomorrow before my volunteering shift at church. It shouldn't be anything too much to make, but I hope we find just the right pattern so it is perfect. When someone requests something, I seek perfection, though it can only be so much. I also know 3 people who are having babies in the same 30 days as one another, all GIRLS! Seriously, I am glad that 2 of 3 projects of knitting is nearly done!

I can't forget how we are doing our traditional coupon cards in the wooden carved Nativity/Holy family box like we do. Katherine LOVES it and looks forward to a new card each morning, as we think of something to add while she is asleep. She has already redeemed the first, which was her choice of dinner and family movie. She loves it so much, she made each of us a coupon for having a date with her to whatever WE (Jay or I) want. I am amazed so much as she grows, the way she fully grasps the feast days, it is heartwarming and validating as parents.

Well, I think that is the most of it for now, but I am ever blessed for the feast day and those that have ensued. glory to God for all things!!!! I am anticipating great lent quite keenly, but somewhat because I am looking forward to the reading and services. Until then, I will take what I can with peaceful days with family, house cleaning, friends, crafting, blogging, and living a blessed life!

Reading, Church, and Sleep

2012-01-06T22:25:00.000-08:00

I finished reading A Christmas Carol the other day, which I am rather pleased about. I liked the story, but I also enjoy the way Dickens writes. It is fluid, with information, but not so much as to make eyeballs want to pop out on their own. Okay, so maybe that is an exaggeration, but there are some books I have a hard time getting into because they carry on and on about things that are particularly unimportant to me. I imagine everything, even with only slight detail, so think about what that does to my brain, if I am left dragging through a great many nuances that clog my imagination. Again, I embellish a bit, but you get the point. I think it is a talent for a writer to be able to keep the attention of the reader, as well as moving the storyline along at a perfect paces, in order that the story unfurl comfortably.

Well, now that I have gone into all of that, I will mention that I started to watch the most recent version with Jim Carrey, starring as Scrooge, in the cartoon. I was telling Jay that, while it follows the story well, it seemed rather shallow to me. Listen to me, I sound like a snob! That being said, I think that many people have a voice to lend a character, but it is true skill to be able to portray the essence of the person from the book and bring them alive. I believe I am at risk of becoming one of those people who can 'enjoy' and be 'entertained by' movies that have been books first, but really prefer the original, but that is okay.

With all of this getting into reading with my new Nook, I rathe appreciate developing that aspect of who I am. I have always figured I have my whole life to live to who I aspire to be, while day to day I am the foundation of that person, I can build a little here or there to the overall self.

Well, with Nativity to celebrate in the morning, I ought to be in bed already, but I am especially liking the quiet and just being home. We were out most of the day, starting last evening! We are all looking forward to celebrating the feast and sharing the meal afterward with our church family. There will be food galore, meats and sweets, singing, merrymaking and general Christmas hoopla, which I think I underestimate how much time we will actually spend there. The liturgy begins at 10 and will end somewhere near 12-ish, then we will all file into the parish hall to pray, eat, hug, and such, the likes of which will probably set us coming home no earlier than 3. Just when I think I am getting out of the door, I'll see someone I haven't wished well yet and spend another small chunk of time catching up with them, as Kat runs around with her friends.

Well, I am off to bed, if I know what's good for me, but I hope to share more about books in the future, including, but not limited to, First Fruits of Prayer: A Forty Day Journey Through the Canon of St. Andrew, by Frederica Mathews-Green, which I am looking forward to, and Cranford, which the miniseries was based on.

Christ is Born! Glorify Him!!!

An Old Post, Remembered

2012-01-04T22:41:00.000-08:00

I wrote this years ago, before Jay fell ill, and I just reread it now. How the words ring true and I can hear the lighter side of my heart in those posts, but especially this one. I thought I would share it again, in case anyone is interested :)

Queen of My Heart

Things I never knew
Places I've never been
I know and I go with her.
She is so small
has so much to learn
Life is all but discovered.
What's more
She has so much to teach
The world in all of its madness,
Bows down at the feet
Of the Queen of my Heart
Its rules do not apply.
She floats along from place to place
Her mind just wanders away
to places much better,
Much brighter and dear.
Each day I glimpse a peek
Of horses and butterflies
Babies and mommies
And Ring around the Rosies.
I'd like to stay
I'd like to play...
A tug at my mind reminds me
She is only small
Not long at all
So treat these moments with care.
The years are short
When days feel long
As we walk hand in hand.
The seasons change
I learn new love,
Her love
Fills my heart with gladness.
I cannot say
If there was a day,
So certain that she stole it.
My heart is hers
Forever and more
There is nothing that I need like it.
My only fear
In this whole world
Is to lose the love of this girl.
More precious than anything there ever was
Treasured like gold and jewels.
So sweet and lovely,
Warm and gentle,
Continue to show me the way.
Onward toward the King of Kings
with the love of a child in my heart.
If ever I forget how to love
I look in her eyes
And, somehow,
Without words,
I know the way again.
So much Truth
In our bond
And what she gives me
She will never know,
Until one day
She has her own
Sweet innocent, beautiful hearts
To show her
To give her
This that she unknowingly offers

There is a love
The one we give
This one is much different.
This sort invades
Takes over your heart
Teach us the way we ought to be.
If I could live
If I could love
I choose for her to steal it,
Every day
Every breath
Every smile
Every hug
Every kiss
All for
The Queen of my Heart

What a Day!

2012-01-03T19:13:00.000-08:00

Let's see, today is my baby sister's birthday, though she is all grown and not so small anymore, she will always be my baby. Funny about the things we think about and hold onto from childhood. I took her with me to our coop preschool when I was 3 and told everyone she was MY baby, even then, so why would now be any different, right? She is now married, the mother of my two adorable nephews, and a remarkable woman, indeed! She has made it through so very much in her life, I hope that her boys are all a blessing to her in these years to come, as I know she is for them. Happy Birthday and Many Years, my lil sis, Caitlin Veronica!!!

In other news, I went shopping for food for the Nativity Feast (o.s.) this morning after breakfast with Kat, who got her own money to chose items. After which we came home, walked the dogs, got ready and went out the door for a TBI appointment for Jay, at the VA, then home again to gather Kat's things to go to Kung Fu and dance, while I stayed home to cut out and sew a hooded red fleece Christmas cape for the girl, all before they got home! Phew! I am nearly done, I only have minor details to work with, like what sort of closure to use at the top, whether I want to trim it with something, etc. I only hope it is not too long, or too wide in the shoulders. She is a narrow girl and it is easy to lose her in clothing that is too big around!

To those of you who have recently commented on here, I tried a number of times to reply, but it has been choppy, at best, but I just want to say thanks, you are much appreciated :)

Currently, I am reading Till We Have Faces, by C.S. Lewis, his take on the Greek myth of Psyche and Cupid; and, A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens, which I like MUCH better than I expected. All of the classics that we were expected to read, but made my eyeballs droop, were of a variety that never really spoke to me, at least not then.

This week I need to step up my game to get things done for Nativity, because then it will be our 12 days of Christmas that we try to keep and then Theophany and house blessings. I am knitting a red cape for Kat's American Girl doll to match hers, so I hope to finish soon.

All the best to all of you out there!

The First Post in 2012

2012-01-01T21:58:00.000-08:00

Well, it is officially 2012, on the civil, and popular, calendar. We went to church today, had a lovely time, where I sang, met new people, introduced them to friends as I had to run to choir practice, helped serve food on my way there, and wondered about life. Such a propitious sort of day, I think. I came home, mostly in good spirits, though late in the day, read some of A Christmas Carol, while Kat wiggled around and Jay got dinner going. We watched a movie together as a family and sent the girl off to get ready for bed. She emerged from getting her p.j.'s on to scale the countertops finding her handmade mug, boil water, and set her infusion to steeping, all on her own...she's 8, people! Did I mention that she set the timer so she would know when it was ready to drink? She is pretty great, I only hope that I can live up to being her mom, the way she is being a funny, talented, funky, and smart kid.

Oh boy, what a day, but really, what a week! After being sick like I was, I can see why people write of being deliriously outside of themselves when they are ill. I can remember it all, so I can't have been too far gone, but it was fairly miserable, more than I have been in quite some time. I realize that, when I am, or have been recently, sick, I have a different sense of clarity in life, in general. I found myself saying many things, thinking far more, and having randomly interspersed dreams that were bordering reality in a fever-induced slumber. Technically, I am well again, though my physical health is of little importance, and I am sure that my life will squander on, if I continue in this way, but, if I pursue, I will find that which is tangible on the shroud's side of paradise.

Something I was dreaming about today, is how nice it was when we were in California and I was writing regularly, with something of some such import as to compel me to pen a word or two. However, being home, I am at a loss, these recent days, even weeks. We are busy, I am paralyzed through my own inability to make time to say something about the day. Possibly because it is dreary, rather than uplifting, this late in the fast, but I still would like to be more creative with that more often.

One more thing and I will be done for the night: We had the churching of 2 sweet little babies today! I LOVE a baby churching, with bitty little selves all wrapped in white, being presented as new members of the church family, through prayers and love, they enter into the Body of Christ. Lord, have mercy on us all. The second baby slept through the most of it all, but Maria, the first, was awake, alert, and gazing at angels as she was being presented. My mom always said that when babies are looking, but at what, we do not know or see, they are most surely watching the angels as they surround them. As I saw her tiny face so peaceful and content, I could think of nothing else, but of the angels that particularly fill the churches during the liturgy. Beauty at its simplest and finest.

Pivotal Purposing

2011-12-22T15:33:00.000-08:00

You know, you would think that having your husband back from a deployment that was admitted as something that 'never should have happened', would be adjusting and carrying on, life as usual, in some respect. I will tell you that this is rare in most cases. My husband that left right before our daughter's first birthday is not the one who came home. That man was molded into someone who was not supposed to feel, just do. He is still in there, but there is damage that only I can see sometimes, because he has only ever been fully himself in his life with me.

You might imagine that time heals all wounds, but what if you never get to face them because things like work, life, raising a child, subtle ptsd, family, and time just seem to pass you by, whether you have come to any terms, regardless. It has now been 6.5 years, through a deployment, work, life, sudden and life-threatening illness, that I am beginning to feel myself again. Yes, I have learned a great deal more than I ever thought was possible in such a short time, but how does a person go in one side, only to come out the other side over half a decade later?

We are forever broken in this life. We have health complications that may never clear up, only be managed, we have one child, when we had hoped for more, we are covered in woe, it would seem, but for the Church, I would have drowned in that woe. If not for God's people, knowingly or not, we would be sunk in a pit of life. If not for our trials, I may still have a list of earthly fears. What would seem so pitiful, has transformed us into that which is focused on God, His angels, Saints, love, perfection, etc., what more could we ask? I am grateful to have made it back at all, though I look at the scars in my worldly persona and I sigh. From the dreadful depths have we come, but none but God can understand its extent.

God is good, no matter the circumstance, for we can never know the purpose in our struggles at the time that they come. We do see Eternity with Divine eyes, but mortal ones, which can play tricks on us. My life is but a passing flame, in a world of embers and coals, would that I find a great purpose, to the Glory of God.

Sunday School

2011-12-17T13:33:00.000-08:00

Well, after a lot of talking about it, and now having a true need, with a growing parish full of kids, I will begin teaching sunday school. During the homily, I will be teaching about the fasts, feasts, saints, and rubrics, to our young parishioners. I confess, I am a bit anxious, but after the first go round, I am sure things will settle. I have already printed up some pages for coloring, troparion and kontakion, as well as, a story to read as they color. Katherine has asked if I will make some extra one's so she can color it at home. I love that she is getting into it with me, since she will be in my class too.

While I was going to start tomorrow, I just spoke with Fr. Boris and his son's graduation is immediately following the service, so we won't be able to go on as planned, however, it was a bit quick anyway. He will be gone for St. Herman's Conference with the youth the following weekend, so we are aiming for the sunday prior to Nativity (o.s.). I think he wants to be sure to establish me as a new teacher without feeling rushed and having the opportunity to introduce me to families who may not be familiar with me. I told him, "No problem, I will just have some more time to feel things out." Which is true, I will get a better idea of what I want to do.

Well, that's it for now. If you have an inkling, please keep me in your prayers as we begin this new journey and work out the kinks! Glory to God for all things!

From, 'Wounded By Love', By Elder Porphyrios

2011-12-14T22:32:00.000-08:00

"Complete trust in God-that's what holy humility is. Complete obedience to God, without protest, without reaction, even when some things seem difficult and unreasonable. Abandonment to the hands of God. The words we repeat during the Divine Liturgy say it all: "Let us commend our whole life to Christ our God." The secret prayer of the priest says the same thing: "We commend our whole life and hope to You, O loving Master, and we entreat You and beseech You and supplicate You..." To You, Oh Lord, we leave everything. That is what trust in God is. This is holy humility. This is what transfigures a person..."

Tossing and Turning

2011-12-11T20:35:00.000-08:00

It is times like now when I begin to feel the doldrum of this life. While I understand that the past 33 years of my life have gone by in nearly the blink of an eye, I find myself wading through the days, imagining all of the monotony to come. Day in, day out, sameness. Nothing to truly inspire me, as I fill my days with meaninglessness that pervades my every fiber. I am horrible at being anything truly useful, for if I were a proper vessel of God, would I not find more purpose? Would I not assume the position gracefully that has been rendered unto me?

It is not for me to understand, it is for me to muster motivation, perseverance, and courage, in these shadowy times of struggle. These mires of discontent and self examination do have a place, but I hardly can delineate what they are to become. I have a feeling of just wanting to throw in the towel, because what use is my day to day, but then the voice emerges from the depths of my heart that says, "Yes, surrender! Throw in the towel of this life, this earthly existence! Do away with the bland and meaningless, give in to the Eternal and Divine!"

How, oh, how?!?! It seems when the feet are bogged down by the muck and mud, it is easier to let oneself sink, but for the Glory of God, I would be a complete sunken mess. If not for God's radiant and permeating love and compassion, I would find myself in the absolute pit of self-destruction. In His mercy and kindness, I am in the midst of caring, support, and love, that I am so enveloped, I can see nothing else.

My greatest desire is to find peace, resting in His all encompassing perfection once again. May this fast in preparation for the King of all, bring fruits of the spirit to calm, quiet, and direct my latent potential. For if I do not know Heaven on earth, what hope do I have of Eternity?

A Little Hope Lingers, But Her Heart Is Full

2011-12-05T21:13:00.000-08:00

"...sometimes, it's because I don't have any siblings." My little love said this to me through tears last night. She was having a hard time with some things, but mentioned that her rough patches seem to be accentuated by the fact that she is without siblings. *sigh* How I would change it, if I could. I do my best to say that if it is meant to happen, it will, and keep my chin up toward God's mercy, which has carried us thus far. Perhaps that will help her to keep God in all things, even in the hardest moments. I would be saddened if she was to place any blame, because things are as they should be, we don't always understand why until later, if ever.

To those of you who are blessed with any more than one, please do not take your blessing lightly. Cherish each time they argue over something, someone gets hit, or they run to you with their troubles about their brother or sister. Soften your heart a little more, knowing that there are those of us who would give much, to have such a blessing.

It may never happen, but I cannot completely give up all hope. Although, she is getting older and, as the years fly on, will near the age of having her own babies. I told her last night that I hope to hug and love her babies, and I especially hope that she has many to fill the place of those we have not had. Of course, we cannot know the Divine plan...

Death and Travel

2011-12-04T19:34:00.001-08:00

Today we talked about a lot of stuff, considering I am not much use at doing anything hardly. One of the things we talked about is death. She is, at times, still stricken with paralysis, when the subject of death arises. Some of it is connected to her papa's health struggle and journey, I think, having her mortality issues coming on over a year, or so, ago. I asked her if she was afraid of dying, she said no. This is good, but her little heart is so heavy with the thought of losing her mom or dad.

I told her about when I was about her age and sat with my dad in the dark night, because I couldn't sleep, and he was the only one up. He has always been so good to talk to, so I was able to talk without as many words as others people. I related how I felt, but that it was good to talk to my dad about it, because it helped take some of the weight off of my heart. I encouraged her to talk to me, and assured her that what she is thinking and feeling is perfectly normal.

On a lighter note, we also discussed travel. I asked her where she'd like to go and, to my surprise, her answer was China and Africa. I mean, really? She says she wants to go to Africa for the cheetahs. I told her that I want to take her to Alaska, Mexico, and France. In Alaska, there is fishing, camping, beauty, and so much more. In Mexico, I told her of beaches. In France, I reminded her that is where Giverny sits, awaiting visitors and artists.

We can dream, right?

Cold and Colds

2011-12-03T13:06:00.000-08:00

It is SO cold, I tell you! I love having the seasons changing, as it slows me down to focus on other things, but it is C-O-L-D out right now. The high today is expected to be 23, with snow that has come since the wee hours of the morning. The most difficult for me about this particular climate is how I seem to always have something going on with my sinuses. In California, pretty much nothing, but back here in CO, where it is much drier, I get more congested and sneeze. It is hard to tell when things are related to a virus, or if it's the climate. I awoke this morning a little sneezy, which didn't seem to respond to my echinacea and elderberry blend, so maybe I need some pantothenic acid, if it is airborne. Kat has been sneezing a bit too, but it could just be weather and readjustment to being home again after two weeks away.

It wouldn't be as much concern to me at this very moment, except it is the forefeast of the Entrance of the Theotokos into the Temple (o.s.), and I really want to go! It is rarely on a sunday, so it is like a mini double feast, of sort. We missed all sunday services while we were gone, so I am wanting to get back into the swing of things and this nasal bit isn't helping. If it doesn't calm down before vigil tonight, we may have to miss it, especially if rest will mean we might all make it tomorrow, but that also means that none of us will make it to confess. You see, it is rather a predicament I dislike, but I am learning, bit by bit, how to allow others to take care of me, especially my dear husband.

We shall see how everything turns out. Here's to hoping and praying we make it to at least the liturgy.

Heavy Tides

2011-12-02T21:48:00.001-08:00

I feel so much inside myself, that it seems my words could not explain. It is rather plain, but still so complex. I make that of myself, for sure, but it is magnified at times. I hear my thoughts resounding in my heart and head much more clearly, but find the unrest both comforting and disquieting. A torn person within myself, not so easy to find the answers. Somehow, at the very same time, there is a peace tugging away, as an undercurrent of my overture making for a picture that commands both calm and magnanimous images. It conjures up inside the part of myself that gets passed among the tides, with an effortless ebb and flow, calling my name eerily. This reverie of life crosses my thoughts in images, colors, and smells, but where shall I land? That I may awake on Your shores of Eternity....

Love

2011-11-27T12:39:00.000-08:00

"Love is the most powerful means of defense there is. There are no weapons and no power that can measure themselves against love. Everything is defeated by love." ~From Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives, by Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica.

The Not-So-Far Future

2011-11-25T22:38:00.001-08:00

We are approaching the Nativity fast (o.s.) and will be preparing for the birth of Christ. As Kat gets older, I find that I am imagining new ways for us to experience the fast, and what they can do for her. She is rather attached to St. Nicholas Day, with the wonderment of a child, as it should be, but she gets giddy about it and it tends to get my wheels spinning. I want to be sure she understands each feast, so she is on track for their purpose, and that Christ's Nativity is of the utmost importance. She always manages to surprise me in her understanding and childlike ways, so as long as we set a good example as parents, I think things will go alright.

I am, however, imagining getting rid of a number of things upon our return home. It always seems to amaze me how little we can live with when we are on vacation. I mean, really! We have only a few outfits, I keep only my yarn tote, our computer, a few books, and about 2 pairs of shoes each. Not to mention, the amount we spend on food is astonishing (in a good way). I have done it before, and I may again, but we will only have less than a few weeks until St. Nicholas Day, when we get home, so I don't know how much will actually get done. I have hopes, there is always that. I have heard about people having kids donate and leave bags of their items for St. Nicholas to pick up and take to other kids, so that is always an option. Any ideas out there? She is 8, so it has to be age appropriate, I suppose. We do like to go drop things by and make her a benevolent giver on the eve of the feast, so I think that will help with the transition, when she becomes disillusioned about St. Nicholas coming in the night.

I am really looking forward to this fast, finally! I am grateful to be anticipating a fast so cheerfully. We have gotten a new vegan cookbook that is mostly gluten free, so it has helped with food. It isn't quite so draining to be thinking of fasting foods that are inexpensive AND gluten free. But, I also really look forward to drawing into myself, finding some spiritual growth or process that molds me a little more in the fire of His great love and mercy.

A glorious and fruitful fast to those who will begin, and those who has already begun. Glory to God in the Highest!

Our Trip to St. Barnabas, So Far

2011-11-25T01:02:00.001-08:00

We managed a midweek service at St. Barnabas last night. I had hoped to fit it in, but you never know when you aren't at home. We got there a bit early, but I am glad because it is nice to familiarize with new churches and surroundings. We talked with a man and his son, Luke, for a little bit, who seemed quiet happy to have Kat around for interaction. I think she was also grateful for something to distract her from the unfamiliarity of the venue, as she is rather attached to our home church.

After a bit, we went into the church, which was brimming with comfort and peace. I had recently told Jay that I missed church and finally realized that it was the hole in my daily existence. No matter how comfortable I am here, it is still not home, and we are not in our routine. It got me to thinking about people in far off lands where they have not had the physical temple, and prayers within, and surrounding, them throughout a service, due to communism, and other bleak disturbances. What a misery to have to endure such detachment from the divine services of the faith, but also what a building block for unadulterated faith for anyone, so long as it is recognised as such. Just as Christ prays in the garden of Gethsemane, so does a person in such a situation, I imagine.

The service consisted of vespers and a molebin for the sick. I had emailed our friend, Sarah, who let the priest know I wished to add my husband, dad, and Matushka to the list. Everything was lovely and I could see God in everything, but not just the written images of Christ in the icons of Himself and His saints, but also in the image of His people, His flock, who are quite obviously in His fold. It is wonderful to have found a place so near that we can attend and, if we must, forego the long drive into LA. If we make it to the garment district, I can see the lengthy journey, but for services, I would recommend, without reservation, going to St. Barnabas, in Costa Mesa.

Chrysalis of Life

2011-11-24T23:24:00.000-08:00

I was thinking the other night that we are all like a caterpillar, here in this life. We have our fleshly needs, our simple understanding, as we amble along. We are drawn toward becoming fattened; metaphorically, with life, love, and wisdom. As we find ourselves turing inward, this is the moment where a caterpillar begins its cocoon. As we rest and conserve, there is a sense of contemplation, solitude, and growth. In leaps and bounds, our souls are transformed, as in the last days of our lives, we attune our sensibility to the next step in what will become of us. As we are closer to the release, the cocoon provides a more lucid view of that which is around, while still a part of the same body we once knew. The pupa fades away into a life reborn into its eternity. The soul flies away, on the wings of the butterfly, whether it is fed on the fruits of wisdom and love, or ignorance.

This caterpillar's life is the tangible function, like the humanity wherein we are clothed. It is like the veil in which we are draped before we become a butterfly, as our bodies are released from one corporal life, into the spiritual. We do not always know what awaits us, but we can be certain, it will be more than we ever imagined, because how can a caterpillar expect to understand flight, until it goes to its tomb inside the chrysalis? So too, a human cannot conceive of the immeasurable life beyond our flesh, without first dying to this life, to become ready for flight.

Blog People

2011-11-24T22:57:00.000-08:00

I just want to say that I am so happy when I see people from all over the country and world, who pop onto my little blog for a little read. To all of you who do, thank you. Please feel free to leave a comment, if you are so compelled, but I wanted to say that I appreciate seeing such a vast global difference in my blog traffic :)

I hope you all have a lovely day, or night, depending on where you are!

Today

2011-11-24T14:41:00.000-08:00

It is Thanksgiving today and I am...
...at my grandma's house in Huntington Beach, CA.
...thankful that, at 95 years old, we are able to share this holiday with her.

We will be having:
-Turkey and all the fixin's, almost all from scratch
-2 guests, plus the five of us family, around the table, bringing a plate to a friend of Meema's who has had surgery recently and isn't up to coming out.

I am thinking about...
...My family in Oregon, who will all be there, excepting us
...Moderation in life, love, and food
...How many more holidays we will be able to share with my grandma
...Keeping things on some sort of schedule today

Outside, I see...
...Calm, cool weather
...Grandma's back yard
...Bird feeder

I hear...
...Katherine's show
...Meema and Jay talking in the kitchen
...The convection oven with the turkey inside

I feel...
...A little bittersweet, but supremely grateful
...Happy.

A picture I would like to share:

On Her Way Up

2011-11-22T22:21:00.000-08:00

I look into the face of my little girl and, now, more than ever, I see her all grown. She is poised, beautiful, lovely, funny, and also still clumsy, for now. I see it a lot in many of the pictures that were taken less than a year ago because, in comparison, she is so much older and shaped. It amazes me to see her maturing so neatly, into a sweet, darling package of love. She is at risk of becoming a girl who is smart, bold, creative, practical, and gorgeous. I am not really sure what we will do with that girl, but I am sure that she will be loved through it all...

My light, my love, my heart...

Glory to God in the Highest, Who Loves His Flock

2011-11-22T10:57:00.000-08:00

When we strip away the layers of who we believe ourselves to be, right down to the absolute core of our innermost beings, what will we find? If we take away our logical explanation and listen to the heart's reaffirmations, what will we hear? If we do not like what another is doing, we cannot change it, but ask for God to work in our own hearts and convert us from thinking we know what is right, for if God is truly the God of all, then who are we to assert we can know best for another in matters of the spiritual? If we strip away those outer shells of our conscious knowledge and examine what we find inside, our neighbor may have a soul more pure than anything we can imagine, though we have not understood his actions, practice, and presence. God is omniscient, we are not. To pretend that we are is presumptuous, indeed, for any of us.

In the end, I doubt we will be asked if we were right, but rather, have we known God, Christ, and the Spirit. Did we follow His commandments, do His work, and offer ourselves in service to our fellow man, our neighbor, who is Christ. We are all, in one way or another, a different reflection of the refracting brilliance of God's love and purpose, so rather than quarreling with one another, Christian or not, perhaps emanating the love and life God has given us, we may find peace in His arms, where we may ask Him to direct our steps toward proper understanding.

St Seraphim of Sarov is known for saying, "Save yourself and thousands around you will be saved." In essence, meaning that if we work on our own spiritual growth and gifts, we have God flowing in us and through us, offering a multitude to those around us, thus assisting in being an example, but also benefiting in practice toward our brothers and sisters. If we cultivate our own understanding and focus on our own weaknesses, we do not have the time to muddy anyone else's waters. This is my own crude understanding, but I think it fits. The spreading of the Gospel is not always done with verbal interpretation, but through contact and action with others. We are given to one another to strengthen ourselves and one another, to carry one another when we are weary, to clothe and feed those without, to give selflessly of ourselves in the same manner that the ever burning love and light of God indwell us always, in this life and the next. If He is not with us now, in intimate unity and fullness, how can we expect to know Him when we die. For, as a person who flies toward the sun, we cannot expect to be of ourselves, in separate existence, when we meet. If our souls truly be eternal, we are given this life to regain our wholeness with God here and now, so that when we die, we are rejoined immeasurably. Just as life is a journey, not a destination, so too, Heaven is not a physical place, separate from us, Heaven is God within us, living and working within the soul.

"With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body, and one Spirit, even as ye are called in one hope of your calling; One Lord, one faith, one baptism, One God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all." Eph. 4:2-6

Please forgive me, a sinner.

"They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick.
But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." Matt. 9:12-13

Glory to God for all things!

My Meema

2011-11-21T19:28:00.001-08:00

I love my grandma, she is one of my most favorite people in the whole world. She is 95, lives in the same house since 1966, and has something to say about everything. Her wisdom is practical and seems to surpass anything I might imagine. She is seasoned and molded by her many years of experience, through love, loss, people, places, pets, family, and more than anything we can imagine, in our few short years. She has been through both world wars, though very young, and every other war since. She knows what it means to conserve, but it doesn't just mean turning off the light, or the water.

I have decided that the key to life, according to knowing my grandma, so I am not actually quoting her here. Moderation in life create moderation of character and longevity. It is like in Tai Ji, when Sifu talks about not being too far forward, or back, because if you are, you can be taken off balance easily, but if you stay within your proper range, you stay level headed and practical, able to conserve energy, or deliver strength. Also, when we are moderate, we learn to take all things into consideration, so we begin to absorb the currents of all life.

I am supremely grateful to be here, to have time to spend with my grandma in her latest years of life. Her mind is still with her, and she is always thinking of others, after all these years. She has a way with teaching me things gently, like how to let people take care of me, because I won't argue with her and God's lesson is welcome and peaceful in my heart, as it softens in this love.

From the Ashes

2011-11-21T14:08:00.000-08:00

Like the phoenix from the ashes
I feel reborn
Time and again
Transformation comes
Into the dark tomb
Encapsulated womb
Manifested growth
Into fullness beyond
A formidable familiar
Soaring high
Diving deep
Cresting luminary
Inhale the intoxication

My Heart, My Heart

2011-11-20T23:45:00.000-08:00

I bare my heart
Your hand, it holds
The dream begins
My life unfolds
Encompassed in mercy
The lessons I learn
For life and love
My soul does yearn
Be still, take hold
My will, make Yours
This story be told
Roused upon Your shore

Sea of Life

2011-11-19T22:11:00.000-08:00

The ocean full of life
Flowing in the moving waters
Illumined by the rise and fall of the sun.
Immense power comes rushing
Slowly and with purpose
Pervading every sense
Every corner and nook
Heavy blackness
Brimming with brightness
Calming and gentle
Intoxicating immensity
So bold and commanding
Fold me in your waves

A Sighing of Self

2011-11-19T19:39:00.000-08:00

Thrashing and crashing
Burning passions
Boiling up inside this head
Heart in turmoil
You can't hear me
Still we are talking
Life is a Mystery
God is Love
Do we need more than that?
I know your heart
Can't we leave it at that?
The mouth can only speak
Just words of the mind
The soul's eternal yearning
Breathes through the self in time
Seeping into mine
Inching closer still
Be quiet, don't utter
The silence serves us better...

I Love Color

2011-11-18T19:41:00.001-08:00

I love color!
I enjoy bright colors
with contrasting tones
even an absence of color
the beauty in its depth.

I like them vivid,
Muted and smudged,
Streamed and washed,
Blobbed and showy,
Bold and glowing.

I adore the vivacious
Absolutely spacious
Life changing
Mood altering
Mind bending color!

The Beginning of Day One

2011-11-18T13:14:00.000-08:00

Well, we made it out to California, more or less. Jay is in bed recovering after the travels, Katherine is antsy to make it to the big beach, but I said we wanted to wait for Papa, so we could go together. I have knitted, gone to bed way too late, awoken with a girl who was too excited to sleep any longer, asking for things.

Katherine and I have taken a walk down the harbor beach, which we have called the 'little beach' since I was a kid. It is a swim beach, which doubles as peoples' backyards to their harbor homes. It was balmy, cool, and calm. Of course, cool in California coastline is not cool Rocky Mountain weather. It was lovely and we saw a few ducks gliding across the green-black waters, before wandering along the back way home. We talked and had beautiful start to the day. She is currently watching a National Geographic show, as we await Papa to emerge from his slumber. I tend to withdraw into myself a bit, when he has these sorts of days, where I seem to conserve energy, just in case.

I am so grateful to be here safely. We are looking forward to having a peaceful Thanksgiving with our family. On the docket for the day, rest, drop mail in the boxes with Meema, on the way to Trader Joe's, and some stir-fry for dinner. If Papa isn't up by sunset, I am afraid he will be missing the beach today, because I will just have to take Kat for that!

The Chiropractor, Tai Ji, and Missing Church

2011-10-30T13:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I went to the chiropractor on friday to right a couple spots that weren't falling in suit with all of my Taiji. It has helped tremendously, but I have been a couple times to Taiji to try to keep the muscles and structure in shape to not slip away again. I have been sleeping with my legs atop a pillow, so to flatten my back and such, which has been good, but last night, I got cold and didn't sleep a lot.

When I woke up this morning, I laid there to discuss the day and what we could manage. I realized I hadn't even tried to get up and walk, so I did and it was strained, literally! I decided to lie down a little longer and take some naturopathic pain relief and drink some water. Jay settled me in to make sure I wouldn't get cold and the next thing I knew, it was noon! What? I guess I needed the sleep, but church was missed and I always struggle with missing any.

Tomorrow we have Jay's appointments at the V.A., store, and vigil for St. John of Krondstadt. I think if we didn't have more services this week, I would have pushed a little harder to get myself to church, but, instead, I let Jay care for me, which is harder for me sometimes, than missing church. It is probably a good lesson for me, because it is easy for me to shuffle myself off to services, but strangely difficult for me to allow my husband to care for me and make the call that I need some rest. I am sorry not have made it, but more grateful that I let the morning flow the way it should.

So, after getting up at lunchtime, I had a bowl of cereal with Katherine and played some Uno Attack. We played a couple games and, when the tea was ready for drinking, there was a knock at the door. The neighbor came to ask Jay a question about her car, but he was out for a few, so she stayed and played some Uno with us. Now I think it is time for some epsom salts, as per Jay's request for my muscles, and then some stretching and resting.

I love my family, I really, really do.

Memory Eternal, Anna, may you rest in peace

2011-10-29T17:06:00.000-07:00

So, it has been kinda quiet on here since the funeral, but I think now is as good a time as any to post about it, while I still have some floating around.

Anna fell asleep in the Lord about 7 hours after I was blessed to say our goodbyes and the funeral was on the following wednesday. From evening on tuesday, her body was brought into the church for viewing, prayers, and the reading of the Psalter. Many people, both family and friends, scheduled time to read the Psalter in the candlelight. I shared a one hour shift reading with Faith, Anna's niece and the daughter of the priest who baptised my entire family all those years ago, when we still lived in Etna. So, when the alarm went off, after struggling with falling asleep and staying there, there was enough drag in me, that I had a hard time waking up. Thankfully, I had already set everything out, so all I had to do was do minimal preparation. I got out of the house in a short enough period, but the little dog saw fit to disturb Katherine, who eventually got up for the day around 4.

I arrived at the church in less time than expected, but I am glad I was early, rather than late, so I could settle in a bit. There were two others in the church taking their turns reading and I walked up to the coffin to venerate. As I peered into the casket, I noticed how peaceful she looked and I felt relieved. In all honesty, I wasn't sure what would be my reaction to any of the day, but relief wasn't anything I anticipated. Anna's body rested there, for final goodbyes, and kissed the forehead of the handmaiden and image of God. She is no longer suffering, Glory to God!

Faith got to the church and we agreed on our sets to read from the Psalter for our shift and went on with it, as planned. As I read and listened to the Psalms, I really appreciated the humanity of the words. The crying out, from the depths of self, in all ways, toward God, our Father. If you have ever read the Psalms, you are likely to understand what I mean by that.

When the next person arrived, we gathered our things, venerated the body once more, and left. After a few words exchanged, we got into our cars and drove off toward home. I figured that since the funeral began at 10 am, I had better just stay up, since I was already dressed and such, so I made my way to an open coffee drive-thru to grab a little something on my way home. I drove out to an area nearby the air force base to sit and drink my concoction and think. It was nearly six in the morning and the sun was barely making its presence known. When I finished my drink, I went home to find Katherine awake, watching a show, covered in a blanket. Apparently she had trouble falling back to sleep and got up to look at books, play, and watch something. We had a peaceful and lovely time before getting Jay up to ready him for the funeral.

There wasn't too much trouble getting to the church, but Faith told me to try to come early, since Anna was a teacher and they were closing the school for kids to go to the funeral, of they wanted, so it might be crowded. We got there at about 915 and I noticed that the person reading might appreciate a break, as it was apparent that she had been up all night, mingled with tears and talking. I offered to take over, so she accepted. Until the funeral started, Jay and I took over the reading, while people filed in. I was very glad to be of service to the family, so they could just greet incomers and spend their time together.

It was a usual service for a funeral in the Orthodox fashion. If you have never been to one, the best I can say is that it is a proper sending off, a wonderful bit of closure, no matter the cause. I am grateful to have this prospect for a funeral for myself, when the time comes. Fr. John stopped after the reading of the Gospel to say a little something and one of the things that I really loved was the quote on the back of the paper icon card that Anna chose. "I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again." ~Anonymous. Fr. John also mentioned that it was Anna's wish to have anyone, who wanted to make a donation, to give them to Faith, for her mission trip to Albania.

Afterward, we all had our last goodbyes and awaited the funeral procession to the cemetery. We followed the police escort (which was pretty neat, by the way) all the way to the final resting place of Anna, where we would sing more prayers. As the hearse was opened to withdraw the casket, her three sons, two nephews, and husband dutifully carried it to its rightful place. As they walked, I only imagined what my funeral might be like. I don't know who will carry me to my rest. If I am old, when the time comes, perhaps I will have some grandchildren who are able, but the idea made me cry. I know this isn't about me, but what good is death if it can't help us reflect on our own life and death. So I ask, who will carry me to my rest, because it has touched me in a way I didn't know was surfaced enough to call for attention.

Everything finished up and we all went back to the church for a meal. I believe that the mood had changed entirely, for the fullness of closure in the service allowed for everyone to bond and be solemnly cheerful, in a way. Funny thing about funeral's, they act as a catalyst for family reunions and I saw people, who are nearly family, that I hadn't seen in years, even decades! It was good to see people and I even had a dear friend who is like another grandmother to us, Elizabeth, remark to me that she is so glad she is Orthodox because all of the services are so beautiful. I have always thought that the measure of a faith lies in how they treat their dead, and I truly believe this.

Toward the end of the meal, Faith sat down next to me and she handed me a profile card about her intended trip to Albania and said she knew that I liked to knit things. I said yes, before she even asked. I then related how I told Anna, just a few days earlier, that I wanted to knit something in her memory, when she was gone from us, but no one else was in the room. It was quite clear that it is meant to be. I will be knitting things to send with her and, if you are a knitter or crocheter, maybe you would like to send something along, she hopes to have raised enough money to leave this upcoming summer for two years, so we have a bit of time.

Well, that is that, however anti-climactic. Life is as it will be, we are blessed to have our family, friends, struggles, and triumphs. May the God of peace, love, and light be with all of you.

Stuff and Nonsense

2011-10-19T22:54:00.000-07:00

This is one of those times when I have nothing, and everything, to say. I am floating onward, however, very little upward action seems to be happening, but I may just look down at some point and notice a ascent. There is a bit of a reprieve right now, as things, though busy and fairly hectic, are offering a lull of peacefulness amidst the din of daily life. It is a bit of a calm, but I am not expecting a storm, because, in reality, that seems to be the order of each day, so normalcy can hardly pass for something stormy. It is what it is, but church, family, and knitting keeps me sane-ish.

I have been daydreaming again about having a soup kitchen one day. It is something very dear to my heart and, God willing, I hope to somehow accomplish it before I die. Some people dream about where they will live, maybe where they will travel...I think about serving soup to people who don't have much. I dream about knowing them on a first name basis and that somehow we will learn from one another, in this whirlwind of life; perhaps give me some glimpse into the face of God, or that I may offer my heart, which He gave me and tends, to those who come. I even imagined staying open all night long, if we had to, so 'they' wouldn't have to go out in the seriously cold temperatures that Colorado so bitterly offers us nearly every year. So, of course that leads to the having of beds and such places. And the daydream grows into an entire story.

We are trying to wake up at the same time every day now, so I had better get myself off to bed. Until next time.

The Latest Dress

2011-10-18T22:05:00.000-07:00

Well, I made another dress for Katherine. A long while back, I chose some material with the intent to make her another 'Felicity' dress, but it has been sitting around for some time now, washed and ready. It is so pretty, these pictures won't do any justice, because it is such a lovely, warm brown and the flowers are so nicely set. I hope to get her in the dress for a picture soon.

I wanted to add some of the lace that is on the bottom to the neckline, but, as of now, she is vetoing that idea. She says she likes it just the way it is. I will admit, if she says she likes something, she will wear it, so who am I to upset the apple cart there?

Hopefully she will wear it for church this weekend :o)

I love this!

2011-10-15T11:13:00.000-07:00

‎"Our life depends on the thoughts we nurture. If our thoughts are peaceful, calm, meek, and kind, then that is what our life is like. If our attention is turned to the circumstances in which we live, we are drawn into a whirlpool of thoughts and can have neither peace nor tranquility."
~Elder Thaddeus from 'Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives'

Mish Mash

2011-10-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

Well, the family is up in Greeley with Jay's folks and I am here at the coffee shop, sipping a latte. It is always bittersweet when we are apart. On the one hand, I enjoy the freedom of not having to always schedule everything and I can be spontaneous. On the other hand, I haven't got anyone to tuck in at night and watch an evening show with. I suppose it serves to give me appreciation for having them around and it won't be so hard when Katherine says, "Please, mom, just one more book!" After already having 2 more books! I love that she wants to be read to, but sometimes I am tired at her bedtime, so I push myself to do read another, so long as they aren't terribly intricate.

That girl loves the library and I am so pleased! Even if she isn't a fluent reader, just yet, I am so glad that she thinks that books, the library, and reading are super fantastic! She will do anything to get to go to the library, even so much as clean, so I know it is important. The favorite book right now is called, The Snow Globe Family. Very cute and funny. It is about a 'big' family (humans) and a little family, who live in the snow globe. All the snow globe family wants is for it to snow again, like it used to, but the big family has forgotten all about it, everyone except Baby :) You will have to check it out to find out the rest. Just what the world needs; creative, fun, appropriate stories for kids of all ages!

Taiji is going well. It is a nice outlet for me. It is helping with my posture and strength, which I really need. I have always seemed to have poor posture, but the older I get, the more I am realizing how much I will appreciate good posture into my later years. Katherine is also getting quite good at her Kung Fu, where she is advancing along quickly. She and I are both supposed to test at the end of the month. Taiji doesn't really have belts, but it is more of an accomplishment sort of thing. Traditionally, Kung Fu doesn't either, but it is this way to give status and keep track of people's ability, I think. My favorite stances that Katherine does are when falls back (you'd have to see it to really get it, unless you are familiar), and empty stance. Her long legs and svelte body do some justice to these in particular.

So far, I like 8 better than 7, but maybe it was just the year for us all. However, since she has turned 8, Katherine has been more articulate and I can see how she is growing into a thoughtful young girl. One of the things that makes me happy, as her mom, is seeing her learn something new from a friend and, rather than feeling like her friend is outshining her, she gives credit where it is due and will work harder to be good at it too. I have seen this in her Kung Fu, where there is a girl, Lizzie, who has been in class one month longer than Katherine, so also is more progressed. Sifu also helps all the kids take correction well, there isn't a class pet, who is somehow the example, they all have their own forms that they do well, some that aren't so great.

Another thing that I am enjoying about Katherine is when I heard her read, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, to my youngest goddaughter, who is 2.5. I think if she had a younger sibling, to give purpose to reading books, she'd be further in her reading skills, but for now, this is great. (The goal is, and always has been, to develop a love of reading, without pushing too much. So far, so good.) When I was about her age, maybe a little older, I remember reading to my younger brother and sister a number of bedtime stories. I can't tell you how many times I read out of the enormous Busytown book, because it was my brother's favorite. Those are some good memories and, as I look back, we were sort of like in Peter Pan, telling stories into the night.

I would love to give Katherine a sibling with whom to play, read, and share her life. That is not our lot these days. When people would ask after we were first married how many kids we planned to have, I would tell them, "We would like to have at least one of each, and if it take 12 girls to get to a boy, so be it! Or vice versa, but we will just take what we get." It is much easier to say, when you are married for month, that you are willing to accept the children that God blesses you with, as you imagine the endless possibilities. It is much harder, when you are married nearly a decade and have one beautiful child and the hope begins to dwindle with age and life. It is a challenge to accept that, when you say you will take whatever God gives, that sometimes it is nowhere near what you imagined, but that the blessings in between are for greater purpose. Oh my, what a heart full of heaviness and gratefulness.

Well, if we ever can, we would adopt. Katherine is all over that one, but the girl doesn't quite get that it necessitates time and paperwork. Perhaps we are getting closer to something like fostering to adopt, or domestic adoption, however, I am not choosy. The benefit of growing up with a love of babies and being a babysitter and nanny, is the developing of a heart that can love any child, no matter what.

On another note, I may go see a movie with a close friend tonight, where they let you take margarita's into the theatre. Jay would really like me to do something like that, but I know that he will only want me to, if I am up for it. I am trying to decide. I am leaning toward going, but we will see what I end up with. I am still feeling a little heavy from the week of death and funeral. I don't think my internal clock has completely reset, but it just may be me, lingering in thought.

I think that is it, for now. I think when I write next, I will be posting about the funeral. There is a beauty in all the services of the Orthodox faith and the passage of death, funerals and burial, are no exception. Until then...

Memory Eternal, Anna

2011-10-10T13:31:00.000-07:00

I got an email from my mom a few days back about a long time family friend, who has been battling with cancer, on and off, for years, was nearing her end in this life. My mom asked if I would go represent the family in making our peace and saying goodbye. In all honesty, I ought to have made my appearance sooner, when we could have had a one on one conversation, instead of a one-sided one, due to her coma. Somehow, it escaped my mind completely, for a couple days, until I was abruptly reminded, then realized I may be too late, when her niece posted that they did not expect her to live past yesterday morning. The nurse was amazed that she was still around in the afternoon, resting in her bed, overlooking the beautiful yard full of color.

I went to church in the morning, fully anticipating that I would not have a chance to see her, and resigned myself to God's will, that if I was meant to be there, it would be, and if not, I might find acceptance. After church, I met with a couple of ladies from knitting to get some much needed needles to finish my dad's sweater and to knit for a few, then I came home to get Katherine ready for a birthday party. I got the message, in between all of the hubbub, that Anna was still with us and that I may come by whenever I can and that they'd contact me if she reposed before I arrived.

I didn't see any sense in dragging everyone over there, as I was capable on my own, and I wasn't sure what to expect, but that Katherine had the party planned for quite some time, which things turned out just fine in the end. After bringing them by the party, I gathered my things and my courage and set out to the unknown. It had been ages since seeing Anna, and most of the family, so I wasn't sure what to expect. On the way, I called my mom (don't worry, I have a cordless earpiece, it was as safe as having a passenger in the car talking). I told her I was on my way over and what the prognosis was. She said she was glad to know I was going and to please give hugs and kisses to everyone, in her stead. Anna and my parents are from the same generation and it is Anna's brother, Fr. Ambrose (then, Fr. Alexei), who baptised my whole family. We chatted for a few and I expressed how I felt like I was going there without anything to offer, to which my mom said they would just be glad I came. She asked if I had a little icon in the car to maybe lay there with her, so I took the one of the Theotokos.

Faith was there to greet me and show me in. Fr. John, from St. Herman's was sitting there next to Anna, with Peter, her husband nearby and I think there was one more, too, perhaps her sister, Justina. Fr. John got up to leave and I asked a blessing before he left, then I sat there next to Anna's right side. Most people began moving about, with things to attend and Faith stayed there with me for a few minutes. She said she was going to go out for a few minutes and then come back. I expected people would be in and out of there, perhaps staying for some time, but I realized they had all been there regularly, up to that point. I noticed that I was left with Anna in quiet, without so much as a sound, besides her breathing.

I sat there quietly for a few minutes with a hand on her arm, trying to gather some thoughts to articulate, because they say she could hear us. I began by telling her that I was sorry I hadn't come sooner, but I was grateful to make it when I did. I was back and forth between crying and talking. She lay there so peacefully and I found that felt helpless. I had nothing to give, so I told her I would do my best in praying for her, though it could not ever be enough. As I calmed to a quiet solemnity, I realized I hadn't seen anyone in awhile, but that I wasn't about to leave her alone. I decided to tell her stories of our family, both my own little family, as well as, my parents, brothers and sisters. She seemed to respond to a few things I said, as much as a person in a coma could do. When I related that our anniversary is the feast of Sts. Joachim and Anna, she opened her eyes most of the way. I wasn't sure of how much she was aware of, so I imagined that it was reactionary, but perhaps not completely intentional, but it seemed she was communicating with me. Soon Ian, her nephew, and Justina came back in to check before going, or resting. We were all talking and said they were so happy to see me, asking how the rest of the family is doing. We chatted a few more minutes before they went back out again.

A couple more people popped in momentarily, but I was mostly left to sit and talk, or keep the silence. After getting through the current family events that seemed pertinent, I looked over and saw a Psalter sitting on the table next to the bed. I leaned over to retrieve it, aiming to read her something to fill the quiet for a bit. I told her how it came to be my favorite psalm, then proceeded to read it aloud. As I read psalm 27(26 septuagint), it seemed to bring new meaning to it. It nearly made me cry, but it also offered strength and purpose to the moment. When I was finished, I set it back on the table, to linger in quiet just a little more. Her son came in with a friend of hers, so I gave her my seat, as I recognised this was quite obviously my cue. I gave Anna a hug, kissed her head and told her how we love her.

I recall there were moments, when we sat peacefully, that my heart spoke to hers, assuring that we'd carry on and that I could see her in her boys. At that moment in a person's journey, laid in wait for repose to consume, the people around you seem to reflect all that you have given them. There were pieces of laughter, a smile of recognition, but mostly, there was a quiet blanket of love that seemed to encompass everyone and everything. She has brought God's love to her family and friends, which was more evident in that glimpse, than ever before. What a blessing to witness.

As I left the house, I thought a bit about everything. It occurred to me that I was able to be there with Anna, while everyone else took an hour to relax, because someone else was on watch with her. They ate, slept, made phone calls to other family, all the while, Anna and I kept one another's company. I am grateful to have been a part of their relief and to have had something to offer. Glory to God! Maybe they imagined they were giving us time together, which was true, but I think it was useful for them as well.

This morning at 1:10 a.m., she passed from this world to the next and is without the bodily struggles anymore. May she find rest in a place of coolness, a place of green pasture, where there is no sickness, sorrows, or sighing, but life everlasting.

Wayfaring Stranger

2011-10-09T20:29:00.000-07:00

I am a poor wayfaring stranger
While traveling through, this world of woe.
But there’s no sickness, toil or danger
In that bright land, to which I go.
I’m going there to see my father
I’m going there no more to roam;
I’m just a going over Jordan
I’m just a going over home.
I know dark clouds will gather round me
I know my way is rough and steep;
Yet beauteous fields lie just before me
Where God’s redeemed, no more shall weep
I’m going there to see my mother
She said she’d meet me when I come;
I’m just a going over Jordan I’m just a going over home.
I’ll soon be free from earthly trials,
my body sleep in the old church yard,
I’ll drop the cross of self denial and enter in my great reward,
I’m going, I’m going there to see my Savior
I’m going there no more to room,
I’m just a going over jordan.
I’m just a going over …

Be at peace, dear Anna. May your transition to the next life be quiet and peaceful, surrounded by those you love. They all have reflection of what you have given them and will care the spark of life and love from your heart into every place. May your memory be eternal in all you love.

Waters

2011-10-04T22:28:00.000-07:00

Stagnant waters
Calm and cool
Dark and deep
Contain a dormant myriad

Stillness becomes prepense
Layers of existence
Fade into profundity
Yet exude imperfection

The vast collective
Brimming with a hum
Though restrictive in nature
Idly awaits the dawn

A break in monotony
Commencing rapt reverie
Beckoning to stir
A sleepless illusion

In the midst
A creeping conclusion
Ushers respite and repair
As waters repose

Peaceful disturbance
Reverberating within
Reflecting without
Settle upon a Rock

One Upon a Nativity

2011-10-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

The other day I was telling Katherine of the story from when I was a kid and we were really poor, though it never seemed so, since we always had a roof over our heads and food to eat; with the repetition I remember, it is a good thing I liked hot cereal, especially cream of wheat! You see, Katherine hasn't got any context for having a limited income, being an only child whose parents are blessed with always having enough of everything, though it has been shaking in the past. I will tell the story I acquainted her with, because I think it is worth telling.

In 1988, I was ten years old. It was winter time and my mom had begun working again when we moved back up north from our short stint in H.B., because she had the most marketable skill set as a nurse and she'd had recent experience in Cali. My dad was at home for us kids, so there was always a parent in the home, thus he was responsible for the home front. My mom travelled some 45+ minutes through the mountains on a shuttle bus one way, to the next biggest town for her job, so she got up extra early every day, then came home sometime after 6, I believe. You can imagine the length of being away from home and family.

Day in and day out, this was the way things were; my dad was wrangling 4 kids, a couple cats and a dog, while my mom spent endless hours out of the house, caring for everyone else's family, so we could make ends meet, though split six ways, plus paying for the shuttle to work, you can imagine what we had. It was going to be Nativity soon and we didn't even have a church close enough to go celebrate the feast. I remember snow at twilight, as my siblings and I devised a plan for the eve of the feast, while my parents were out on a walk. We decided that we would wrap our own things to give to each other, so we would have gifts to give and receive. The tree, which I think may have been someone else's before coming to our house, was alit with fun lights from my aunt. They were like lava lamps, but with colored water and the bubbles were much faster. We scrambled around getting things together and watched for my parents' return. We made sure that the lights were off in the rest of the house, so it was just the tree, shining in its own beauty.

I don't remember a lot, but I do recall some hugs and smiles. If memory serves, it was night when we opened things, but I won't rely on the timing, just the subject, so bear with me here. We opened the things we had wrapped for one another and a couple of other little items, when my mom appeared with a rather large box (or was it a giant plastic bag?) for each of us. One for each of us kids, though we knew there wouldn't be much, there was a personal blanket for us. They each had a corduroy top and flannel underneath, with batting between. She had embroidered our names and the year on the edge. I still have mine, though it is a bit worse for wear, it has moved with me to every place I have lived since. You see, somewhere in all the working, traveling, and parenting, my mom had gotten up early and gone to bed late, to make these for us, so we would have something new on the feast of Nativity.

These are my parents, who loved one another so dearly to have 4 kids, with whom to share their love. In times of having very little earthly goods, we were afforded the opportunity to see the spiritual goods and character, with which God has embodied in them, however imperfect they may be. I was reading the other day about a monk who was talking to the person who wrote the article, on having kids, before he and his new wife were ever pregnant, they wanted advice. They thought it would be more complicated than the answer they received. In effect, it was that what makes for good children and parenting, is for parents to love one another. The kids will see the example of love and sacrifice through the parents devotion to one another, in all ways. This is what I believe God has blessed my family with and also why so many people like to be around us. My parents worked very hard to maintain a home for us through it all, for that I am grateful. They have been through more than their share of struggles and have made it through. They are an example for me even now, as a wife and mother, because they have been here and understand.

I love you, mom and dad. Thanks for your faith, work, love and devotion!

Off They Went!

2011-10-03T12:11:00.000-07:00

Jay and Katherine left for their overnight trip to Cherry Creek Reservoir just about an hour ago. I rode with them for a couple miles, then kissed them both, and sent them on their adventure! I am really hoping that they have the time of their lives and want to do it again one day. Katherine had a hard time going without me, but she will be alright, once she focuses on going to the reservoir, campfires, marshmallows, fishing, games, rides, walks, and more! Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers, as you all know of Jay's health, but they are determined and only about 7 miles away from home, so I am simply hoping they have a smooth, enjoyable time.

Well, here I am, sitting in the coffee shop with the computer and some knitting. My dad's sweater is getting big and bulky and I couldn't find what else I was looking for, so I brought the unicorn project with me. Katherine asked me if I would make her a unicorn and, when the Knitting Habitat was closing, I got some yarn on clearance and will be using it for this project. I think the only reason I haven't made it before has everything to do with the fact that it will require assembly. I will be knitting the legs separately from the body, and I will have to stuff it. If I can get one leg done, per week maybe, I will be able to get the whole thing done for St. Nicholas Day, or Nativity.

Here's to having some time to use as I please!

No Time Like the Present

2011-10-02T14:29:00.000-07:00

Outside my window...

The sun is shining and the birds aThough a friend told me of it long ago, I have recently begun saving the tops and bottoms of carrots, celery, cabbage, mushrooms, bell pepper, onion, etc. and sticking them in the freezer. The intent is to gather enough to make veggie stock. This follows my attempt to be more frugal and to use more of each item. I didn't pay any less for that end piece of onion than the middle, more desirable part, so why not make the most of it! After only about 1.5-2 weeks, I have the better portion of a gallon size bag full in there. I look forward to making the broth to use with some recipes that call for it, particularly the ones for things like pumpkin soups cooked with veggie broth and pureed together for a hearty, delicious winter meal.re eating from the feeders. The heirloom tomato plant, 'Shortie', has a number of ripening fruits, as does Bertha, the cherry tomato plant. The chard is in full abundance and the beets are coming up nicely; I hope to get some tasty, colorful beets out of them!

I am thinking...

...about canning this zucchini relish and bread and butter pickles this afternoon. They are both in the preparation stages, then will come the cooking and canning. Also, thinking about Katherine and her Papa going camping, starting tomorrow at 11 am, for 24 hours; what will I do with myself?!?!?!

I am thankful for...

A place to rest
Family
Food, with the ability and abundance to preserve some for future use
A mild autumn, with slow changing leaves and gentle weather shifts
Our home and the means to maintain it

From the learning rooms...

Katherine is getting more into reading, though still it isn't her favorite thing to do on her own, she still LOVES having someone read to her; she is, and always has been, auditory, so I don't worry too much, it will come. We are hoping to set up some sessions on video chat with my dad to do art with Katherine, which they have done once before, but since my parents' move, the art supplies are not at home and settled yet. Perhaps, perhaps.

I am learning how to be more thrifty, because it is economical, but also practical. I will be trying to plan our meals in more detail, so as to save money shopping for each item, so there aren't any surprises, though this will prove more challenging than it sounds, for me. I am trying to use left over things to make something new, and so on.

I cannot speak for Jay, but I am sure he is managing some lesson in all this. He has been trying to find some free audio books, so he doesn't have to use his eyes, due to headache issues, so if anyone has any suggestions of books, please feel free to drop an oar in.

From the kitchen...

Though a friend told me of it long ago, I have recently begun saving the tops and bottoms of carrots, celery, cabbage, mushrooms, bell pepper, onion, etc. and sticking them in the freezer. The intent is to gather enough to make veggie stock. This follows my attempt to be more frugal and to use more of each item. I didn't pay any less for that end piece of onion than the middle, more desirable part, so why not make the most of it! After only about 1.5-2 weeks, I have the better portion of a gallon size bag full in there. I look forward to making the broth to use with some recipes that call for it, particularly the ones for things like pumpkin soups cooked with veggie broth and pureed together for a hearty, delicious winter meal.

The canning, of course, and I also want to make some kale chips from the recipe in Color Me Vegan. I am trying to decrease our animal protein consumption, for many reasons, but to list a few, they include, inflammation, digestive ease and overall wellness. I have noticed that when we have very little meat, and stick to eggs and fish as our moderate animal products, we all do much better. So, we are trying to gear ourselves into a moderate, doable, and healthful dietary shift, including getting coffee out and green tea in. I have noticed it has been causing some undue side effects, especially for Jay, that aren't worth that cuppa, though a special treat now and again isn't the end of the world, but we have to start somewhere.

I am creating...

Still working on my dad's sweater, after having taken out a large chunk twice, to finally get the increase to be what I wanted! If that isn't love, I don't know what is! I have been experimenting with the tea cosy I am making for a friend in trade and I want it to be *just* right, so that is fun. I hope to get some sewing done, as Katherine has requested a dress, for which I have everything I need, I just have to get on top of it. I need to get my socks on the needles, too.

I am going...

to Taiji regularly and it is a much needed stress relief. It has offered me some time to myself and it helping with my posture. I have let my own personal maintenance go in these past few years since Jay's illness set in, so it is helping me regain some of my energy and strength, both physically and mentally.

I am (still) reading...

That book about St. Maria Skobtsova of Paris, Pearl of Great Price
A book of poetry from the library by Thoreau
Knitting patterns :o)

I am hoping and praying...

...that I learn my lessons well and can apply them to my life.
...that moderation, in many aspects, pervade my life.
...that I can settle into a routine and stick with it. We are notorious for beginning one, then shifting, due to health issues, or some other friend or family influence.

I am hearing...

Classical music on the radio and my fingers typing.

Around the house...

I have a number of things to sort through, because my mom and dad sent me a veritable load of material and yarn. Not to mention, the boxes from a friend I have in the garage full of sewing supplies! I am always wanting things neater around here, but learning what is practical to expect in a home with a disabled husband and a homeschooling daughter, with a cat, two dogs and two fish.

A few plans for the rest of the week:

Kat and Jay go camping; coffee and knitting with a sweet and caring friend; returning to volunteer to help keep the church open on wednesdays; Taiji for me, Kung Fu and dance for Kat, maybe some hunting with a friend for Jay; a birthday party and church. Other than that, I can't say for sure, but I will have to figure out what to do for the 24 hours my little family is camping!

Here are some picture thoughts I am sharing...

From our trip to Kenosha Pass on wednesday with our friends :o)

Prayer of the Optina Elders

2011-10-01T23:30:00.000-07:00

I have posted this before, and it is such a nice prayer, I thought it deserves a reposting. It has such a concise and purposeful content, I need to remember to say it daily.

Prayer of the Optina Elders:

Grant unto me, my Lord, that with peace of mind I may face all that this new day is to bring.

Grant unto me Grace to surrender myself completely to Thy Holy Will.

For every hour of this day instruct and prepare me in all things.

Whatsoever tidings I may receive during the day, do Thou teach me to accept tranquilly, in the firm conviction that all eventualities fulfill Thy Holy Will.

Govern Thou my thoughts and feelings in all I do and say.

When unforeseen things occur, let me not forget that all cometh from Thee.

Teach me to behave sincerely and reasonably toward every member of my family, that I may bring them no confusion or sorrow.

Bestow upon me, my Lord, strength to endure the fatigue of the day, and to bear my part in all its passing events.

Guide Thou my will and teach me to pray, to believe, to hope, to suffer, to forgive and to love.

Amen.

Kenosha Pass Hiking Pics

2011-09-30T22:49:00.000-07:00

Kenosha Pass, CO. A beautiful and perfect day in the Rocky Mountains!

In All Things

2011-09-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

Do you ever just have those moments when you are stopped in the tracks of your day and things don't seem so hard anymore? I just had one. For all of my complaining in struggles, I really ought to be sure to search out and state what the silver lining is, because there always is one, like in my favorite Psalm 27, 'The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is my strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid.'

In nearly all my years, I have not lost someone close to me. There have been people that I have known who have died, but they were more acquaintances, so the attachment is different when it isn't someone with whom you have woven a bond made from heart strings, smiles and words in all necessity. I was small when my grandpa died and wasn't even born when my dad's dad passed on, so I still have both grandma's, as well as, mom and dad, aunts and uncles, brother, sisters, cousins, friends, etc. Glory to God!

The closest I have gotten was to be there through a good friend's second pregnancy knowing, from part way in, there was no way he'd survive past birth. If my heart breaks just a fraction of what it did when I hugged my friend at the memorial, or saw the pictures of them together as a family, or every time I think of and tell their story, or when the white doves flew at the March of Dimes for all the babies with birth defects who couldn't be with us today, I am sure to find a new meaning in God, as times like that can only further the internal search of life, love and family.

Each life is beautiful. We are blessed to be here together, even with the ones we'd rather not be, and we ought to be grateful for every single time we open our eyes each day, for those things filled therein, every breath we take to sustain the very beat of the heart. We are, none of us perfect, but we cannot teach love through hate and animosity, so no matter what we think or feel, if we are not overrun in love, how can there be any peace and joy? If we can be so attached to ourselves in our fallen and broken nature, we can certainly strive to envelope the entire human race in our hearts, just as we keep ourselves, and as Christ commands, we begin with our neighbor. Our own troubles do not outweigh our brothers, but our pride and selfishness would have us believe it does. Our love can only multiply and uncover compassion, forgiveness and understanding; who among us would willingly shun these gifts?

Life is precious and we have so little earthly time to become united, must we be so blinded by our daily woes, that we cannot see the simplest perfections in struggling together? Take a moment to reflect on how bad things really are; remember the orphan and widow, poor and destitute, those captured and imprisoned unjustly, those who have lost a spouse, parent or child, those with terminal illness, disability or physical pain daily. Some of us live with these things, others know someone, and there is hardly a life not touched by one of these afflictions, but if we all take one small step at a time toward healing ourselves with and through one another and crush dissension, just imagine what could be.

Some would call me a dreamer, but this is the mixing of my head and my heart; it always has been and I doubt things will change. In all things, God's will be done.

It's Only Tuesday

2011-09-27T14:01:00.000-07:00

So, I can't wait for this week to be over, and it's only tuesday afternoon!!! We are out of the house for the better part of each day and I am so tired. It is quite convenient that friday marks the last day of september and saturday will be october 1st! This week we have had a doctor's appointment for Jay, vigil and liturgy, and will have dance and kung fu for Kat, Tai Ji for me, a friends' in the mountains, Berry Patch Farms (which also assumes canning will follow, another appointment for Jay with Voc. Rehab., and Lair o' the Bear, because we are in the neighborhood. I think my head may stop spinning mid-october, but I am not making any promises.

That all being said, I can officially say that, in october, things will slow down. The biggest piece in that puzzle is sticking to it and not over scheduling us. The things I have to happily reconcile with each week are: Church, Kat's schooling, Kung Fu and dance, Tai Ji, and Kat and papa's date night, because they MUST have one, or else I will never hear the end of it! So, on top of that, there is the daily routine that involves Bible reading, the Psalter and saint of the day, basic chores, family time, and so on. All the while, saving money to make a trip to Cali. Whew! Man, I thought this week was looking busy, but I think the older she gets, my tiredness will grow in proportion to her activities and social life! If she wasn't an only, I wouldn't be so concerned about her having some time with kids her own age, but it doesn't always fit in the way we would hope.

Well, that is the 6 weeks of our lives, starting next week. Good grief! The goal in all this time is to be frugal, focused and quiet. Can we do it?!?! If we buckle down and tune out the sound of the world, it just may happen. It would be SO nice to get out of town and spend some time in sunny California, but I refuse to overbook us when we are there! Last time seemed to work out really well, as far as timing and seeing people, but I still didn't get to see my Goddaughter in AZ on the way home because I got sick. I would actually like to plan a special trip, just to see them sometime, so they aren't just a flyby, as it were. In any case, last time we saw the West family, in their home and at the beach, which was great and we hope to see them again. We also got to visit with Jay's cousin and her family in San Diego and it was totally worth the trip, but it seem so short, although I am not sure any of us would find a good stopping point in talking, unless we had oodles of time. We spent a couple afternoons with Nicole and Sophia at the beach, which was super relaxing and much needed. Seeing my grandma was great, as always, she loves having Jay around to do 'man' stuff. He is really handy and can fix a lot, not to mention, he cooks and cleans, so she thinks he is wonderful.

Please keep us in your prayers as we embark on the journey of the next 6-7 weeks, I am trying to avoid burnout and hope to attain some hapy medium, where everyone gets what they need and a little bit of what they want. Talk to y'all soon!

Psalms of the Church

2011-09-26T22:35:00.000-07:00

I go through phases, it seems, of appreciating the Psalms. I would say that I always appreciate them, in a sense, but there are particular times when I am really drawn in by a specific one, for its words, purpose or whatever it is offering at that time. Tonight, during the reading of the six psalms during the vigil, I heard Psalm 142 (septuagint) almost as if I had heard it for the first time in its entirety. The phrasing and words grabbed me and it transported me to a place with momentary clarity and peace. Here it is:

"Hear my prayer, O Lord; give ear unto my supplication in Thy truth; hearken unto me in Thy righteousness.

And enter not into judgment with Thy servant; for in Thy sight shall no man living be justified.

For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath brought my life down to the ground.

He hath sat me in darkness, as those that have been long dead; and my spirit is faint within me, my heart within me is troubled.

I remembered the days of old, I meditated on all Thy works, I mused on the works of Thy hands.

I stretched forth my hands unto Thee; my soul thirsteth after Thee as a thirsty land.

Hear me speedily, O Lord; my spirit waxeth faint.

Turn not away Thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.

Cause me to hear Thy mercy in the morning, for in Thee do I hope.

Cause me to know, O Lord, the way wherein I should walk, for I lifted up my soul unto Thee.

Rescue me, O Lord, from mine enemies; have I fled unto Thee for refuge. Teach me to do Thy will, for Thou art my God.

Thy good Spirit shall lead me into the land of uprightness; quicken me, O Lord, for Thy name’s sake.

In Thy righteousness Thou shalt bring my soul out of trouble, and in Thy mercy Thou shalt destroy my enemies.

And Thou shalt destroy all them that afflict my soul, for I am Thy servant."

These Psalms are so very human and that is part of why I like them. They are so grounded in humanity, but focused on Divinity. They have managed to be a solid part of the Old Testament, but are extremely relevant to the New Testament as well. We use them in prayer, both at home and in services. They are Scripture, but they are so relatable that they offer comfort in all times of life; in triumph and despair.

The point of this post is that when I heard this psalm, I heard the person, the you and me, every one of us. The core of each of us, because who hasn't felt this way at some time, who hasn't thought these things, wholly, or in part? The psalms are a beautiful reflection of the plight of each of us and a testament to the Divinity and workings of God. I love them. Do you have a favorite? One of my favorites is this Psalm 27(26 septuagint):

"The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.

Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.

One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.

For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.

And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD.

Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.

When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.

Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.

When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.

Teach me thy way, O LORD, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.

Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.

I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD."

V.A. and the Holy Cross, All in a Day

2011-09-26T13:02:00.001-07:00

Ah, the V.A.! Oh how I loathe that hospital; where doctors are pharmacists and government medicine reigns. I kept my mouth good and shut this visit, because it is apparent to me how the western medicinal practices focus on the management of symptoms, rather than dealing with, and healing, what has gotten altered. Also, I kept my mouth shut because Jay asked me to let him do his thing because he has to jump through all of the hoops to get to the departments for any possible useful treatment. *SIGH*

I actually feel kinda bad for them, because they don't know what it is they aren't being taught; that their practice is only half-hatched. That is why I like holistic doctors best, where east meets west, it is like having a two-parent household, whereas one or the other is more of a single parent shindig. Two is good, offering more balance, like two legs. You get my drift.

We got a parking space up front this time, on a monday of all days!!! That was helpful in getting us up there to sit around and wait some more until someone calls you up for vitals, then go wait some more until the Doc is ready for you. However, Jay's doctor is very nice and he does try, I mean, at least he isn't a stodgy old boy, who thinks new fangled things are just that. He does care, though his job outside the V.A. is as an OB/GYN, LOL! That is funny to me somehow.

It does, however, prompt me to be more diligent in getting our dietary needs battened down. Though it is hard to stick with things all the time, it gets tiresome, but most things worth having require attention to detail and vigilance. Oh, so tired sometimes...

Well, we are on the forefeast of the Exaltation of the Universal, Holy and Life-giving Cross, so we will be getting ready for vigil in a little while. It is a wonderful feast and I always look forward to when we sing, "Before Thy cross, we bow down in worship, O Master, and Thy Holy Resurrection, we glorify!" Alternating it 3 times total in Slavonic and English.

this is the write up on : "† The Universal Exaltation of the Precious and Life-giving Cross
"Saint Helen, the mother of Saint Constantine the Great, when she was already advanced in years, undertook, in her great piety, the hardships of a journey to Jerusalem in search of the Cross, about the year 325. A temple to Aphrodite had been raised up by the Emperor Hadrian upon Golgotha, to defile and cover with oblivion the place where the saving Passion had been suffered. The venerable Helen had the statue of Aphrodite destroyed, and the earth removed, revealing the Tomb of our Lord, and three crosses. Of these, it was believed that one must be that of our Lord, the other two of the thieves crucified with Him; but Saint Helen was at a loss which one might be the Wood of our salvation. At the inspiration of Saint Macarius, Archbishop of Jerusalem, a lady of Jerusalem, who was already at the point of death from a certain disease, was brought to touch the crosses, and as soon as she came near to the Cross of our Lord, she was made perfectly whole. Consequently, the precious Cross was lifed on high by Archbishop Macarius of Jerusalem; as he stood on the ambo, and when the people beheld it, they cried out, "Lord, have mercy." It should be noted that after its discovery, a portion of the venerable Cross was taken to Constantinople as a blessing. The rest was left in Jerusalem in the magnificent church built by Saint Helen, until the year 614. At that time, the Persians plundered Palestine and took the Cross to their own country (See Jan. 22, Saint Anastasius the Persian). Later, in the year 628, Emperor Heraclius set out on a military campaign, retrieved the Cross, and after bringing it to Constantinople, himself escorted it back to Jerusalem, where he restored it to its place." (Great Horologion) A fast is kept today, whatever the day of the week."

Well, I had better get on top of some things today, because they won't get themselves done! Later!

New Template, Yay!

2011-09-25T22:40:00.001-07:00

So, if you haven't already noticed, I have been messing around with my blog template. It is the first time in years! Let me know what you think, I kinda like it.

I will blog about other stuff later, maybe the things going on this week, but we will see. Until then, have a great week!

Right now

2011-09-24T17:01:00.000-07:00

Outside my window...

The sound of birds singing in the evening twilight with alight breeze gently moving the bamboo chimes.

I am thinking...

About my family and how productive today was, but I am tired.

I am thankful for...

My husband, of 9 years, this past thursday
A beautiful daughter who is growing into a solid young girl
A place to call home
Good friends
Video chat, so I can see my family out west (and even knit with my mom online!)
Food to eat
Mild weather
A caring church family
Patience...

From the learning rooms...

Hmm, Katherine is into dinosaurs a lot; Jay is into reading a lot more, when his eyes can manage; I am harnessing my ability to follow directions in a cookbook and be more organized around the house.

From the kitchen...

It is CLEAN! I scrubbed the kitchen today, so that makes it extra special. As for food, we have borrowed a new cookbook and really like it so much. We made a really tasty soup puree, as per Kat's request, that has things like parsnips, potatoes, white beans, scallions, garlic, shallots, tarragon, dill, etc. and it is a family favorite that is very warm and filling. We also plan to make some kale chips soon and tomorrow night, Jay has chosen to have mushroom topped/stuffed baked potatoes that are made with sauteed onion, bell pepper and mushroom-YUM!!

I am creating...

My dad's sweater, my vest (if I ever finish that thing!), A tea cosy for Columbina, a dress to be sewn for Kat and I think that is all that is on the needles or table.

I am going...

To take it easy and practice my long-suffering through patience and being in the moment with my family more.

I am reading...

That book about St. Maria Skobtsova of Paris, Pearl of Great Price
A book of poetry from the library by Thoreau
Knitting patterns :o)

I am hoping and praying...

That we get enough rest until the holidays hit and afterward
That the VA is favorable and quick with Jay's added disability request for extended coverage
That we get some rest tonight and have a fresh day tomorrow, for a relaxing sunday

I am hearing...

Canadian Geese, an airplane and my little family talking.

Around the house...

There are still things that need to be worked on, but things are neat enough for a sunday afternoon.

A few plans for the rest of the week:

Oh boy!!! Two appointments for Jay, services for the Exaltation of the Holy Cross, friends, Berry Patch Farms, canning, Lair o' the Bear, Costco....Um, I think that covers it. At least it starts AFTER tomorrow!

Here are some picture thoughts I am sharing...

9 years ago...well, close enough

2011-09-21T22:03:00.001-07:00

Well, nine years have past, as of midnight, and we have been married that entire time. In our short married life, we have had a baby girl, been through a number of jobs and unemployed, moving, a deployment, a good job, buying a condo, working too much, pets, cars, serious illness, near death moments, healing, rebound illness, disability, schooling, growing up, growing up a child, road trips, reality; you name it, we have probably been there.

When I look at the big picture, I can't help but see what has stayed constant. Precious few have stuck around the entire time, though they do exist. The main one that I know has been the backbone of support for us as a couple, as parents, and as a family, is our church. We have had enough changes and things fall apart, we might as well be at rock bottom, but we are together, and quite happily, though it is overshadowed with the stark reality of today.

Our happiest, most jubilant days are spent there, as are our saddest, most desolate ones, we find solace, support, and strength to pull through. A solid rock of centuries old wisdom, comfort, and peace, with shelter to weather any storm. What a blessing to never have to question our faith through all of the trials which have befallen us and to be granted a deeper understanding of this faith of our fathers.

Seasons of life come and go, they weather on like the leaves of the trees, but the faith which has been handed down to us for two millennia stands strong, like the evergreen in winter. We may be dashed against the stones of life, we can always seek consolation in the arms of an unchanging, staunch, and compassionate faith such as this. I, for one, am grateful. Slava Bogu!

I love our faith and church, my husband and daughter, and the time we have.

The Air is Cooling Off And So Are We

2011-09-18T08:33:00.001-07:00

Well, it's that time again where I post something about how we are all worn out from whatever it is and that we will be using these upcoming weeks to lay low. We have had a lot going on, but we have also got more coming up. In the next two weeks alone, we have 6 days of church (for special feasts), 2 appointments for Jay and a trip to Berry Patch for raspberries galore and we wanted to include a visit to the art museum somewhere in there. That doesn't even include our anniversary on thursday!

I love our birthday-anniversary-liturgical-new-year-feast day-berry-harvest month, but october is so welcome every year. It has a couple of extra services spread out, but the weather changes, for certain usually, the days are full of walks, changing leaves, soup, hot cereal, tea, sewing, knitting, and so on. Can you tell it is my favorite?

Now for the part that I don't like, where I have to tell everyone that, although we love peoples' company dearly, we have to slow things down a bit or we will never make it through the holiday season. I am aware it doesn't begin for about 2 months, but if you have lived with someone, or have, chronic illness, you will understand how important down time really is. If we don't take the time now, we will pay later. Chances are, we will pay a little later anyway, there isn't really anything, besides going to church, that doesn't have some repercussion after the fact, or contribute to an oncoming issue.

Jay's health is stable, over all, but he has had some very off days lately which are concerning to me. He hasn't had a problem with migraines for a long time, at least, we haven't had to use his migraine stuff for full-blown migraines in awhile, but he got one last week, even taking his migrelief preventative. He got a bad one on Labor day, too, so I know something is off and we need to slow down. Stimulation, whether good or bad, is trying on his system, so the more we can limit that, the fewer issues he tends to have.

I went to church last night and, halfway through, began sneezing. I thought it may have been the new incense, but as it turns out this morning, I have the beginning of a cold. I am sure I needed to slow down, but unless I am unable to get out of bed at all, I still think I should go to church. I got totally ready to go, and was doing ok, until right before we were supposed to go, I just started sneezing and sneezing. I was in tears to Jay and Katherine hugged me a lot. I just don't like missing church, but God knows best and I am sure there is a lot of purpose in this. I made myself some echinacea, lemon balm, ginger, rose hips, red rasp leaf and chamomile infusion last night and I am due for more.

Well, to the point of this post. We will be going on a sort of lockdown soon, until mid-november. We are really hoping to scrimp and save to make it to my grandma's for Thanksgiving, which means we will have a 'Crafter's Bench Christmas', because we will spend any extra money to go, but it is worth it. Meema is 95 and won't be around forever, so it means a lot to me to go; she is like another mom to me, in some ways. So long as we can all be together through it all, that is what matters, right? I have things I can sew and knit and, since the weather will change, I will be doing it more anyway. So, in the interest of everyone's health and ability to make through the winter months and holidays to come, we may have to bow out of many different things, but it has everything to do with us, not you.

One thing that has to be remembered about chronic illness is that, although the person may seem functional, it is not in the same fashion of an average person. Their energy may be spent long before they want it to be, but they will smile through a lot of it. When they get tired, it may take days to recover their strength, or may have to sort of a side effect, like headache, etc. Also, please keep in mind that he may not even know how much he needs to rest, even if he knows he isn't in top shape (relatively).

Well, that is it for now and thanks for understanding! Glory to God for all things!

Whispering

2011-09-15T23:03:00.001-07:00

My heart knew Him well
As a child, many things are clear
He has always whispered to me
Whether I have ears to hear
But I have made other choices

There are times when I have walked away
Yet, He follows my every footstep
I have looked for different meanings
In various places and people
But have seen He is in all Creation

I have turned my back
While He laid the feast for me and mine
I have been all things, and more
Still, He awaits my return
In each lost human moment

I have begged for Mercy and Life
Because I am the cause of the death within
I realize that I am the one in desperation
While He sits with open arms
Freely offered and ever-present

Unity in Trinity and Trinity in Unity
Adjoin our hearts and minds
All of us, one with another
For we are cut from the same cloth
Though we have worn ourselves thin

Fuse us to the point of unrecognizable
Bring us peace in Your Mercy and Light
Grow us in Your Love and Understanding
To the inconstant, be the Rock
For the broken, heal the imperfection with Grace

Teach us to be as that child
The one who comprehends the inconceivable
Wearing our faith and diligence with honor
Pinned to our hearts within
Keeping us contented and simple

Lord, have Mercy on us all
With Your guiding, perpetual presence
Usher hope and comfort
Contributing to Peace and Love
Glory to God for all Things

The Girl Who Stole My Heart...and My Wimple

2011-09-15T11:09:00.000-07:00

This one above is my girl in her special blanket that she has had since she was a month or two old, that my dad's mom made her and that thing on her head is the wimple. I made it for myself because I like to keep my hair short and it is like a hat and scarf joined together as a tube shape. It has a really pretty and simple pattern called Old Shale. She decided it was cozy and perfect, so she appropriated it for most of our trip to the mountains for her birthday!

This is Katherine and her good friend the first morning in the mountains and Kat is wearing the vest I made her (with the wimple, of course!!!) that I mentioned in my previous post. That vest only JUST fits and I hope it will last her, otherwise I will be picking up some stitches on the bottom edge to lengthen it!

Well, just wanted to remember to share the vest with you all, since I had posted about it earlier. Have a wonderfully blessed day, full of love and peace!

Soften This Heart

2011-09-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

Broken from the inside out
Unable to think where to begin
Words speak little of the truth beyond
As hollowness skulks nearby
Awaiting its prey in the shadows
Where depths of heaviness descend
Sinking into the person within
The farther they go
Down into brilliance
With an absence of color
Night interrupts day
Into peaceful solitude
Contemplation begins anew
Resolve is barely conceived

O, God, my God
Hear my call and visit me
For this darkness can be nothing
With You by my side
Emptiness is refilled
In Your very wake
Weakness is complete
In Your embrace
Strength is given freely
By virtue of Your peace

Dispirited and disheartened
Gather me together
Soften this heart
Teach patience and fortitude
Humility and wisdom
Though I am a capricious student
Heal this mess in spite of me
Grant me the opportunity
To walk with You in Grace
To talk with You in times of need
To listen when I cry out
Answer what I need to hear
Be always by my side
In this weary tumult of life
Mold this heart of mine
Keep my path before me

I do not know how to be unbroken
O God, help set my feet aright
Glory to God for all Things
In all ways, forever

Glory to God for All Things

2011-09-13T17:01:00.000-07:00

ODE 5
The dark storm-clouds of life bring no terror to those in whose hearts Your fire is burning brightly. Outside is the darkness of the whirlwind, the terror and howling of the storm, but in the heart, in the presence of Christ, there is light and peace, silence. The heart sings: Alleluia!

IKOS 5
I see Your heavens resplendent with stars. How glorious You are, radiant with light! Eternity watches me by the rays of the distant stars. I am small, insignificant, but the Lord is at my side: Your right arm guides me wherever I go.

Glory to You, ceaselessly watching over me.
 Glory to You for the encounters You arrange for me. 
Glory to You for the love of parents, for the faithfulness of friends. 
Glory to You for the humbleness of animals which serve me. 
Glory to You for the unforgettable moments of life. 
Glory to You for the heart’s innocent joy.
 Glory to You for the joy of living, moving, and being able to return Your love.
 Glory to You, O God, from age to age

I found this Akathist: Glory to God for All Things and think it is beautiful. I was actually looking to download any audio of Akathists, but this is what came of it instead. This portion which I have decided to share are my favorite, I think. It is the Ode that caught me and lines like " Glory to You for the joy of living, moving, and being able to return Your love" that really stir around and settle in. I hope you enjoy!

Mountain Midnight Musings

2011-09-11T21:24:00.000-07:00

I was thinking while we were in the mountains for my girl's birthday how surreal everything seemed. To be the most alive, the moments almost don't even seem to exist. In the mornings, I would turn to the sunrise and say my prayers to God; eyes closed, warm rays on my face, nothing else quantifies. Simplicities, in measures beyond comprehension, yet more complex than I will ever fully understand. The surreality of the moments that make up this life take me far from myself, toss me beneath the wings of Glory and I find myself caught in the currents, blasting forth transient flickers of self; past, present and future, as though only one was in existence.

What a time, place and person to be! Lord have Mercy that my lessons be swift and purposeful, with a gratefulness to follow.

If The Shoe Fits

2011-09-06T16:32:00.000-07:00

In our situation here, with my husband being disabled and our income quite fixed, I am the caretaker, both of my husband and our daughter. I keep an eye on all of the things that need management, tiresome as it is, and troublesome to boot. I have been told, on occasion, that I am so strong and good for being here and caring for the family, probably because they cannot imagine the requirements being asked of them. I signed up for this, all of it, no matter what, our lives are bound. In this life, it seems to me, that my husband is the stronger of the group; being under 40, he has chronic illness that has included pain and suffering seemingly devoid of end, struggles daily from within and without, the dealings of a growing daughter and the waning of a tired, young wife. He is the stronger for being able to contend with all of that, but still believes himself to be the lucky one. He thinks me merciful for staying in these times, at times bleaker than imagination, to working things through, particularly when his mind does not serve him well and especially, when I make him laugh. That, my friends, is the way our marriage looks. In the illness and purpose that has beset us, we seem to each be convinced that the other is a Godsend.

It is a life in spectacular magnitude, begetting us eternal and temporal simplicity in peace. I am born and made to be who I am, so no matter the stress, it fits. I have mused endlessly about our lives and how they have changed, but really we just turned our paths toward a brighter sun. We are complete in our struggles, as they usher in a purposeful focus. Unless you have been here, it cannot merely be described, but known in the heart, deeper than your mind may fathom. I would not wish our specifics on anyone, they are no picnic, though we have a profound sense of self, one another and life, in our attempts to forage our way. In peace, do we hope to continue, though the swells in the ocean of life may toss our ship. God's Mercy, Grace, Peace, Comfort and Love be with you all, in all ways.

Pieces of Peace

2011-09-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

We are not the same as when we married
Though we are each one half of our whole
Sometimes my heart gets broken
All over again...

We are so young
Yet aged so quickly within
This life so fleeting
With flashes of the present

It isn't what we thought it would be
Nowhere near what we dreamed
To be crushed by this weight
By this unforgiving humanity

A better life than we had planned
Unfolds before our eyes
Beneath our feet, the path is laid
One step at a time

More than ever, heartfelt devotion
Divine compassion and symbiosis
The coal becomes a diamond
The fire of these trials purifies

O God, continue Your Mercy
Give us strength and wisdom
Patience and kindness
Peace and Love, Forevermore

It's Almost September...

2011-08-30T17:21:00.000-07:00

The seasons ahead. This is my focus, as we enter into the birthday-anniversary-extra-church-services month that ushers us into the autumn. It could bring rain, or snow, or windy days. In actuality, it could bring all three in the same day. I have already been canning and hope to do a bunch more when we get some raspberries in a couple weeks and also some peaches sometime soon. When apples are in abundance, I plan to make some apple butter and sauce.

With heating costs always on the rise, it is good to know that we are a family who drinks some hot infusions and enjoys some homemade soup. We are also going to experiment with keeping the thermostat even lower than usual. Since our condo is situated on the bottom level, we retain heat rather well, but we are also on the north side of the building, so our daily sunlight is limited. I will be making Katherine a sweater vest that she can wear over the top of her shirts, for all-purpose use, whether indoor, or out. I am hoping to complete my vest soon, too. Jay has a vest, and the sweater I made him last year, which he loves! It appears we are set, for now, so long as I can keep on top of my projects. It can be rough trying to keep up with knitting during the heat of summer, but I have been working on it.

We are hoping to visit my grandma for Thanksgiving, providing we can afford the trip. If we can't go then, we will try for January/February again, I suppose. The beach calls to my family like nothing else! We have plenty of people to see out there, as well, so it is always nice to make the trip and have our once-a-year catch up. Families like Nicole and Jake Howard, Uncle and Aunt Cousins Tom and LeeAndra, the West Family and, if we are fortunate enough to have it work out, my Goddaughter and her family in AZ.

Jay has recently put in to the VA for compensation for his ptsd, among other things. They readily admit that he has ptsd, even so far as to possibly blame his insomnia and headaches on it, but his disability doesn't include anything for it. Funny how that works, but we will see how this turns out. My concern is that, since he already receive some disability benefit, he will get shoved to the bottom of the pile and it will take even loooooonger than usual. You know the military, hurry up and wait! Only time will tell.

This year marks our 9th wedding anniversary, but I am thinking about our 10 year coming up soon, since it seems so close, I can taste it! I am dreaming of going to a bed and breakfast for a couple of days when the 10 years approaches. I really liked the Bybee House out in Jacksonville, near my parents. Aside from being so capable of catering to our food needs, it is set in a small town, on a piece of beautiful land and lovely hosts. I had thought about going to the one where we spent our wedding night, but I have no other attachment besides it being the place we stayed the night we were married. It would be pretty, to be sure, but now that our lives are so delicately revolving around food, it is nice to have found a place that offers so much for those of us who have specific needs, but it isn't a bother, or out of the ordinary.

Well, this little girl got up super early, so we need to be getting her off to bed. I will write more later! Glory to God for all things!

Saint Macarius of Egypt

2011-08-28T19:23:00.000-07:00

I found it!!!! Yay! I have been thinking about this particular post a friend put up a couple years ago, but couldn't remember where it had come from. I scoured her blog and, voile!!! Here it is, for your reading pleasure :o) (Ok, so I just like it, but you might too)

From the life of Saint Macarius of Egypt, as written in The Lives of the Saints, Vol. 5 (January):

A brother came to visit Saint Macarius and pleaded, "Abba, give me a word, that I will be saved."

The elder said, "Go to a cemetery and insult the dead."

The brother insulted the dead, threw rocks at their graves, and returned to the old man. "Did they say anything to you?" the venerable one asked.

"Nothing," replied the monk.

"Now go, praise them," enjoined the elder. The brother praised the dead as saints and apostles, then reported back to the saint. Macarius asked, "Did they respond?"

"No," answered the monk.

"You heaped contempt on them, and they said nothing; you praised them, but they remained silent," said Macarius. "If you wish to be saved, become a dead man. If, like the dead, you take no account either of the scorn of men or their acclaim, you can be saved."

Today is a Good Day

2011-08-27T13:08:00.000-07:00

Today is the forefeast of the Dormition of the Theotokos (O.S.). Katherine has been feeling under the weather and, while I remember she has a growth spurt every year around her birthday, I fail to be reminded she always gets sick around her birthday too, until she comes down with something. This year, it is a little early and we are considering whether we can only make it for the liturgy for the feast, since she is congested, though not worsening. She is doing well with taking her supplements, but she still sounds a little funky, with an occasional sneeze.

I suppose it is a good reminder to slow things down a bit and let things ride. This summer has been so fast, it seems, that I can hardly believe it is over and we are already canning for the winter. We have a bunch of things already in the works and are planning another trip for an abundance of raspberries to make sure Katherine has her fix for the winter months, until the next berry season is upon us. I also hope to make apple butter and sauce, as well as, peach halves and spiced jam. Good golly, I am tired just thinking about it.

We have Katherine's birthday in under 2 weeks! Can you imagine, she will be 8!?!?!?!? It is hard for my brain to really comprehend, but I find myself remembering her tiny days lately, since she is growing into herself exponentially in the recent past and I can only think of how much more that will be setting in soon. She is a good girl, mostly she just has bursts of personal preference and takes us all down with her in a mini fit of stubbornness that would shame any donkey. She can be reasonable, but often is more in touch with her contrary streak when she is dealing with her papa, poor fella. Thankfully, we have all been matched accordingly and we can usually help each other wind down from a whirl with a flash of temptation. Ha ha! We are good for each other and I can often see how God gives us those people in our lives for the working out of our Salvation. I love them, but not because they always make me feel warm and fuzzy. In fact, it is more often that I am growing in spite of myself, due to a need to be something more for one another. A simple, yet enigmatic, symbiosis.

Well, I am off to can some marinara! I will catch you all on the flip side! Congratulations with the feast of the Dormition of our Most Holy Theotokos, Mary!

A Quickie

2011-08-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

So, I only have a few minutes because I ought to be sleeping to rest up for a big day at Berry Patch Farms in the morning. My goal is to can a load of stuff so as to supplement every dinner (or, at least on meal per day) with something canned from home. We will be making pickles, relish, marinara, jams, peach halves, applesauce, salsa, etc. I will keep everyone updated as to how it goes! I keep telling people that I will go broke/hungry now, just to have some things this winter and it will be well worth it.

I picked up the book, "Pearl of Great Price: The Life of Mother Maria Skobtsova 1891-1945." So far, it is a good book, rather an easy read. For those of you who know me, that is saying something, since books and I have a splotchy past. We like each other, just not all the time, every day, nor every subject. I wanted to get this book because her life is interesting to me, as a contemporary saint, who lived during some of the most deadly, brutal and darkly monstrous times the world has ever seen. Little did I know, she wrote poetry, which I think is fantastic and hope to find some writings intact. I will leave this posting with a short bit of her poetry she apparently wrote while she travelled.

"Again I leave, the poorer,
for some more distant part.
The world, try as one might,
will not fit in one heart."

My Little Love

2011-08-21T12:23:00.001-07:00

Tank top, p.j. pants, apron, flip-flops and popcorn. *heart*

The Girl in the Cowgirl Hat

2011-08-20T13:22:00.000-07:00

I looked over at the girl wearing a red felt cowgirl hat, two-tone pink striped shirt, khaki short pants and sparkly white flowered church sandals. That is my baby, who is almost 8. We were driving to the store together with the windows down and she pointed out the song that came on the radio was talking about riding with the windows down, so she crinkled her little, freckled nose into a smile that was sweeter than words. At that moment, I got choked up and had a flash forward twice her life from now when she is a teenager and looks at me with that same sweet face, in instances like today.

I love her and supremely grateful for her in our lives. God knows just what a mom needs to have her heart humbled and melted. I did think about what it would be like to have more little lovelies, wondering just what kind of nuances might be. I imagined that my heart is like a plant or tree, and love for my family and friends, like the flowers that bloom. Each of them a beautiful representation of a perfect love that functions best when in harmony with the whole. The flowers cannot bloom without care; watering, sunshine, shade, mineralized soil and, hey, we even talk to our plants. Without the combination of the factors, the greens would not survive to bring forth flowers, the fruits of care, diligence and faith.

Well, that is all for this one. Glory to God for all things, especially being aware enough to recognize blessings daily, whether we like them, or not. Love to you all.

Chewy Thoughts

2011-08-15T15:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have been thinking a lot lately, big surprise, right? I am the sort of person who thinks about things, but they often become real when I talk them through and I am ever grateful to my dear husband for his patience and willingness to listen. I do have to begin by saying that, at times, I have to preface our conversations with: "So, I don't need you to do anything, or fix it for me, I just want you to hear me out." He is such a good sport, I think I'll keep him. So, after all of my blathering, I will have a point, it will begin below, I just wanted to set it up like this, because that is just me.

Imagine, if you will, a receptacle, like a cup or bowl. Now, I want you to think of it being filled, are you with me? Good. When I think of this vessel, I often visualize what it is like to be filled with the Holy Spirit, with God and His Church, etc. You catch my drift. The other day, I was talking with Jay and seemed to articulate that when I picture this in my head, I also see how it can be tipped and spilled, just as it can be filled. It made me envision it as more subjective, rather than steadfast and unchanging. I do believe that change and growth are necessary, but it is the vessel which should be molded, rather than the content and perception of such.

In earlier posts I have touched on how I am in a transition sort of state at this time, so, in my mind, this is what has been churning. As I gave more time pondering and talking to Jay about the above mentioned idea, it seemed to settle in and progress into this next concept.

Now, picture that the vessel is a conductor, for something like electricity, but in this case, I mean for God. If I act as a vessel, in the first example, which tips and gets upset, I hardly stand a chance to continue keeping the levels full and satisfied. If I perceive that my vessel is to act as a conductor, I will always be full, though it will may be possibly be thought of as this bit from Revelations, "I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last." -Rev. 22:13. There can be no end or beginning if there is a constant flow of energies and, in this case, a synergy with God. I avail myself to be a vessel wherein I accept that God will work through my unworthy hands and heart, to offer to whom it is meant.

This is to assert that, to be open; heart, mind, body and soul, there will follow a filling Whose source cannot be found, nor contained, and never ends. A fullness that cannot truly be described with words and will come to fruition with a life in Christ. It is not to say, however, that being full is always comfortable, or easy, or even welcomed, for that matter. But, if we do strive to always be accepting of God's Divine will for our lives, we may come to a point where even the most uncomfortable and painful aspects in our lives, become as a flowing existence, rather than simply an obstacle to overcome. That all circulates in a fashion that offers peace in every breath of our journey.

I hope I have conveyed my thoughts without completely alienating anyone, or being too redundant. Peace be with you.

Metamorphosis of Self Through Trial and Error

2011-08-11T07:22:00.000-07:00

As per my burnout post, I have given a little more thought and have discovered an analogy for me in my life's lessons and struggles. I am not so much a hermit, though I do find myself appreciating some alone time to sort through my internal workings. Rather, I have decided, whether I am a moth or butterfly, I go through my trials and eat them up and become fat, tired and weary with them. I take in just enough more to enter into my cocoon where I process, which is longer or shorter, based on what length is needed for how much stuff is getting mulled over. When all is said and done, I come out on the other side transformed to fly about and appreciate all of the business that has been undertaken to get to that point. Oftentimes, it doesn't last as long as one might hope, but the appreciation is still evident and present.

This is me, for better or worse, this is how I function and I am grateful for the people in my life that make it possible. Whether by direct influence, or by a simple gesture. Thank you to all the people who know me and truly love me just the way I am.

Kat's Karrots

2011-08-10T07:50:00.000-07:00

We harvested the first batch of carrots from Katherine's garden patch and this is what we came up with. We decided to harvest them so we could use the space for an 'all-beet' patch and started a new carrot patch elsewhere.

Burnout

2011-08-09T10:58:00.000-07:00

I have been gliding along through the summer activities and have done rather well, I think. I have realized that I have hit the wall, finally. I am tired and just want to hang around. I am ready for the relaxing part of the summer to set in. I am grateful for all of these opportunities for everyone to do, but I think we are at our limit.

I think it began when we sort of started our break early with going out to Oregon for the wedding and spending Pascha and Bright week away from home. It was nearly impossible to get ourselves back into school routine, but things have gone alright. I can't really complain about things, not really. I am just weary and I suppose after 2, or so of struggling with serious health issues and complications that fluctuate like the tides, with a few doozies, this past 9 months has been nice to be steady and more predictable, but we are almost making up for lost time.

I have decided that I am in recovery, but haven't figured it out until recently. My role as intensive caretaker has diminished, but my mind has not completely reverted back to pre-illness mode. It doesn't take a lot these days to drain my reserves, whether it is mentally or emotionally. I think I need to ride my bike more often, but if I am not getting up early enough, it just isn't happening. I need a vacation, the kind where I don't have to worry about schedules, money and other peoples' needs. Sometimes, it is just nice to be at home, alone.

I have a lot of healing to do and things to come to terms with. I have lost, or in some respects shed, a great deal, had the entire existence of our lives change nearly completely and gained a lot of insight and understanding. With God's help and my little family, we are coming out on the other side of things, but letting go of some of the tools that were necessary before can be harder than it seems.

Life is a process, I am well aware, but the things that seem to change in our lives tend to swing the pendulum to the far reaches and leave me reeling. In short, we met, I moved, we got engaged, got married, had a baby, he got laid off, signed up for reserves, got another job, then got a great job and we moved, he got deployed, we all went into survival mode...this span of time covers about 3 years and we have been in some form of survival ever since. Jay's ptsd has been treated and he manages himself and his newly shifted abilities quite well. In retrospect, I am finding that I need to sort out where I have landed after such an amazingly tiresome journey, for which I am grateful.

If you don't see me much, in person, that is, it will likely be due to my need to do some personal house cleaning, but also getting things done around the house without feeling like it is all about to topple over.

To All of You Who Homeschool

2011-08-08T14:36:00.000-07:00

Please share what has motivated you to do so, in however many words you can get your story out, and also what sort of homeschooling you use, i.e.-curriculum, activities, methods, etc.

I want to have this here out of my own curiosity, but also for other people who ever consider it, or wonder why others' do. I have a sneaking suspicion that there are many parents who would make this choice, but are hindered in feeling confident, or that they are the only one's who have gone through the turmoil trying to figure it out.

Some of the questions I imagine people asking are:
Can I really do this myself?
Can I offer my kid(s) enough?
What about social interaction?
How will my kid(s) make friends?
Will this be more work for me?
What is the difference between homeschooling and 'school at home'? (This one is mine that I think ought to be answered for people, because I think that many people get confused between the two and attempt schooling at home, which can be far more strenuous.)

Anyway, any input anyone has on the subject is greatly appreciated. Thanks!!!

I mean it

2011-08-07T07:22:00.000-07:00

I am going to writing something real again soon, I promise. For now, off to church and the rest of sunday with family and friends. I hope you are all having quite a summer, as are we. Art and dance camp, Ironkids, swimming, friends, friends, family, friends!

In one month and a couple days...

2011-08-05T16:37:00.000-07:00

THEN...

That's my baby, she's gonna be 8 soon! *sigh*, it seems like yesterday she was just little and full of spunk. Now that spunk has gone and grown into a lovely girl.

Now...

Maylene-Our New Kitty

2011-08-04T12:25:00.001-07:00

Old Previously Unpublished

2011-08-01T11:04:00.000-07:00

This is an unfinished bit that I wrote sometime ago, maybe 1.5 years. I thought I would repost.

I have been thinking about death a lot lately, prompted by two separate funerals. The first was last thursday, a dear old man, the servant of God, John, who lived quite a life as he fought in WWII, had a family and was a devout Christian. I think there is much to be said for how a faith reacts to and treats its dead. Since we knew John, it was more touching to be present there. Fr. Boris left after communion the sunday prior to go see him, he announced that John was on his death bed and to please pray for him. It was barely a couple hours later that John's soul departed him and his body laid there without breath.

Monday there was a Pannikhida, or Requiem, service for him and another on wednesday when his body was brought to the church before the vigil for the feast of the Circumcision of Our Lord. Following the vigil, the Psalter reading began for the evening. There were pairs of people signed up to read the Psalter over the body as we await the funeral service the following day, I had the 4-6 am shift. Although I did not sleep well, I was well enough to pop out the door and make it there on time. The church was dimly lit with few candles, one in hand for reading, some at the foot of the coffin and another next to the icon of his patron, St. John of Shanghai and San Francisco. The time went quietly by amidst the trading of reading, but what a wonderful tradition to keep, the psalms are so very human, yet they are what the soul speaks.

After the Liturgy, the church was full of many family and friends for the service. The choir sang, the priest prayed and the deacon petitioned with prayer to the Lord our God to accept his soul into His eternal kingdom and to give him rest. There was a swell of emotion as the music and words gave picture to the lamentation of the people. At the end, though I care for both Elizabeth (the widow) and John himself, I found myself imagining that it was not he who was in the casket, but my own dad. I know it may seem strange, but I could not help it and it is not so far from what will be some day, we will all enter this path at one time or other. All the things that ought to be said or done came rushing into my mind, but none of them seemed to be words that needed to be said, but rather action and a few tears welled to the surface as I tried to shove them down.

Fr. Boris announced that it was time to give the last kiss and that since we know that the soul and his guardian angel were present there with us, we make our peace, one final goodbye. We venerate the body, as we are made in the image of God. He held a large cross in his hand, and icon of his patron saint was laid in with him and a simple crown of paper with prayers on it. I stepped down from the kliros (where the choir sings) and made way for the line to venerate one last time. Elizabeth was first, as it should be, and as she held his hand and pressed her face next to his everything switched and that is where I was consumed by the love of this woman for her husband, her love, her life and everything she has known for decades has changed. I imagined saying goodbye to my dearest love and we have not even have a whole decade together, I cannot imagine her sadness after so very long. It is all as if to say, "Good bye dear husband, father and friend, we will miss you incredibly but may you rest now, in peace, may he lead you beside the still waters..."

Everyone said their goodbyes, which includes Fr. Boris, and his prayers at that point made me think a little. The part that stood out was where he referred to John as his spiritual son and it had never occurred to me that for Fr. Boris, it is as if he is losing a child of sorts. A prayer was rolled into a scroll and placed in John's hand and the body was then dressed with a facial shroud and one for the body, followed by a blessing in the sign of the cross in oil poured out over him. The coffin was then closed and taken out to the car for the transport to the cemetery as the choir was singing, Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal, have mercy on us!

My Grandpa, the Pelican

2011-07-30T22:33:00.000-07:00

My aunt, my mom's younger sister, always says that when she sees a pelican, it is her dad, my grandpa, coming to visit and say hello. He loved the water and pelicans. I rather enjoy getting to say hello to my grandpa, who died when I was 4 or 5. I hardly remember him, but I loved him and think of him. I think of him more often as an adult than I ever did when I was younger, partially because we pray for him daily during our prayers for the departed, but also in times like this when we see pelicans at a nearby pond, or at the beach. I am grateful for these little reminder.

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

2011-07-28T13:40:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I have been giving it some thought and have decided that one of the things where I am being afforded a lesson, is how to truly love your neighbor, but in my case, it is how to love your Christian neighbor. I know quite a few people, of varying backgrounds and lifestyles, but the people for me to most difficulty relate with are other Christians. In general, other Orthodox Christians don't fall into this category, but I have struggled with finding common ground, as well as, acceptance and beauty, in Christianity outside of the Orthodox realm.

When I have approached things from a cranial perspective, as in the beginning of trying to understand the teachings and perspectives of Protestants and Roman Catholics, it has only left me unsatisfied and sad, literally. There are plenty of people out there who also lend themselves to making it difficult to want to understand their beliefs, though I am surely no exception to this, particularly in my early days and when my emotions sneak in to jade things. In any case, my approach from a simply human and intellectual platform, led to disappointment.

I would say that when I began praying for people in their afflictions and simply focusing on my the plank in my own eye, to the best of my ability, with God's help, my understanding broadened and a seed was planted. I have found that Christ has revealed Himself in all people, in varying fashion everywhere. I have found a new facet of peace and faith within the context of loving one's neighbor in an entirety that I could hardly fathom.

I am grateful. This journey is a rigorous, beautiful one and I am glad to be on this path, though I may slip, I pray it is all to the Glory of God.

Something From the Coffee Shop

2011-07-28T08:33:00.001-07:00

Here I go trying to write more blogs to be updated from time to time. Let's see, July is winding up into a neat end to the busy month in true style. Katherine is completing her art camp today, which she really enjoys. She is the kid who meshes with almost every situation, so long as she relaxes. If she isn't comfortable, she is a force to be reckoned with. I have always thought it best to trust her personal instincts and allow her to develop them in a natural fashion. If she doesn't want to say hello to someone she doesn't know, or chooses not to hug someone, I won't force her. It is different if she is just being shy and doesn't want to be in the middle of attention, but I have come to recognize the difference after nearly 8 years.

I think it is rather healthy for her to be able to strengthen her intuitive response, because if she learns to do this as she grows, she may find that she listens to that gut feeling when she is in a situation when she is older and be able to know how to handle herself. Learning Kung Fu will probably help in that respect and I think her Papa is pleased that she has chosen to take Kung Fu. I am sure this will allay some of his fears for her being a very pretty girl, who is slight of build and social with boys and girls alike. He knows that his biggest job is to be the measure for all men in her life, which is a tall order, but she has already come to him to ask his opinion of a boy that she sort of liked. I think that speaks volumes! She went to him to be sure that her Papa approves of and even likes boys that she is interested in.

I think it is important for dad's to 'date' their daughters. In this respect, the girls will come to understand what a date should be. For Kat and her Papa, they have a special meal and watch a movie together, sometimes they play a game. It is all appropriate and she will grow up with the idea that this is a normal date, I think. She has already become accustomed to having her weekly dates with her Papa and she is hard-pressed to give that up. In fact, even if I haven't got anything to do, I had better find something so they can have their time. I think their time together will also model for her what sort of marriage she should work for when she is old enough. I know she is only nearly 8, but if I am not thinking about these things now, I will just get lost in the shuffle and her entire life will pass me by.

I remember when she was small, having a deep-seeded hope that she might seek to become a monastic, but she is like her mom, who always liked the nuns and monks, but longed for a husband and family from a very young age. It would be silly of me to try to direct her somewhere she isn't headed on her path. If I am truly a believer that God directs our steps, then I have to be confident that my job is simply to guide her, give her boundaries and take her to church, the rest will come. I do believe there is effort to be made, but I also believe that no matter how we try to force ourselves, or others, into a slot where we don't belong, the dominant course seems to always push through. Who we are at the core and how we function and relate, it will find its way to the path where it belongs. In short, each persons path is their own and will be directed in whatever manner is beneficial for each of us, with or without our interference. It doesn't mean we can have influence and participate, but to try to make anyone to do anything only creates resentment and pain.

Alright, well, only a couple hours left for Kat at art camp and a friend I haven't seen in FOREVER is meeting me for coffee, hurray! So, I am going to go for now.

Art For Thought

2011-07-25T08:29:00.001-07:00

Art. It is something I have grown up with in the home my entire life, it is fused into my being as a fiber that cannot be separated from DNA, methinks. My whole family from childhood are visual artists, some of them are multi-dimensional, some are multi-media, all are rather talented. Though I do not consider myself that sort, I would say I am a fiber artist with knitting and sewing, as well as, with writing (I consider creating with words art), and would like to try my hand at pottery.

It isn't any wonder that Katherine has an innate sense of art swimming around in her. I have pictures from when she was 1, dressed in whatever she chose for the day, sprawled out over the floor with her papers full of drawings. If that doesn't tell you something, I don't know what will. She has always had her own ideas for art, so it will be interesting to have her in a class where they direct her skills in a certain manner. For example, when she was about 3 and 4, she went through a period where she would only draw with pencil and refused to color in between the lines of a coloring book. I think she decided that she would rather do the creating and make it exactly as she wants it. These days, she will color things in, but it still isn't her favorite sort of art and I am totally ok with that.

About a year ago, Katherine set up a time to skype with my dad, who is an artist and 'retired' art teacher. He was her Bob Ross. She had seen a show with Bob Ross one morning and could NOT resist the urge to paint something, so she did. Then, we thought of the idea with her Grawmps and she loved it. She had such a great time and I think we ought to do it again, if we can set it up.

This morning, I dropped her off to art camp which focuses on sketching and watercolors. She will go today through thursday for 3 hours each morning. The class is about 10 kids, including her, and one really nice teacher. She decided to wear as much color as she could fit in one outfit and I love that about her! She wore a tie-dye shirt underneath her tie-dye dress, with purple socks and her white, sparkly church sandals and 2 braids in her hair. She chose quick oats with cinnamon and raisins, as her breakfast and I brought grapes for her when she is done. Oh man, my baby is growing up and I am so grateful that I get to be a part of that.

I am a firm believer that we are all wired to be who we are, even before we are influenced by the world, but I also recognise that we are all capable of a great many things, if only we are given the opportunity. Her papa is a good example of being a late bloomer in fully realizing his artistic talent in his 30's, but just imagine if we hadn't decided that he should try an art class at the community college. Likely, he would just be drawing basic things with Katherine, only getting at the tip of his artistic iceberg. How many more people out their have untapped talent, partly due to lack of exposure, or simply because it doesn't fit in our societal status quo? Just something to chew over. Some of the most beautiful expressions of faith, love, life and nature are represented in art and I, for one, and grateful we have it.

Grateful as I Grumble

2011-07-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

Today after church I had set up a Thanksgiving Molebin. For those of you who don't know, we serve molebin's in the Orthodox faith for something specific, often to a particular saint whose intercession is desired, based on their real life (for example, a saint who cared for orphan and other children, may be asked for intercession) or other such things. Long story short, we pray to a saint for intercession and when we have answer, or semblance thereof, we give thanks to God, hence the Thanksgiving Molebin. Think what you will, but it was 10 days after a molebin for answers, on the Feast of Christ's Ascension, which became Pentecost on the 10th day, when we got the answer about Jay's health 3 years ago, so I do not, personally, doubt the purpose.

Alright, back to my purpose, the molebin was requested because of an intricate family matter that was intense and then was, quite literally, miraculously resolved, for the time being. To be sure, it is great to give thanks, and we do as many times as we muster during the day, but when you are appreciative for one thing in particular, but struggling with others, sometimes the gratefulness can be rather a stretch. Lately, with the washer broken and our money being spread thin, it lingers in the back of the mind with every thought and attachment.

Here's the thing, I was standing there while we awaited the molebin, chewing over whether it was right to have a Thanksgiving molebin, when I didn't feel as grateful and thankful as I had when it first occurred to me to have it. Rather, should we be also having one in favor of our situation, as well as the Thanksgiving. I mulled over that one for a few and during the first few minutes of the service, the answer popped into my head. No, I shouldn't be predisposed to the idea of making supplication when everything that we have is already in our favor. It isn't to say that prayers for certain things are not good, but, in other words, Glory to God for all things. If I am to be grateful for that which I want and request, I must also be grateful for that which I need in order to grow. Just because I don't care for something, doesn't mean there isn't reasonable purpose for it in my life.

Honestly, the roundabout way it was presented in my mind's eye was: "What would I tell Katherine?" I would tell her exactly that we need to be grateful for all that we have, not matter what it is and whether or not we care for its place. To take the good withthe bad. So, there you have it, a nearly rambling blogpost on molebin's, life lessons and getting exactly what is needed. Miracles and simplicity is everywhere, so long as we take a moment to breath and observe. At least, that is my experience thus far.

Until next time,

Lately

2011-07-23T13:04:00.000-07:00

Where to begin....? Well, let's start with the washing machine deciding that it is a great time to go out and stop working. Oh joy! We have a front-loader and it has served us well for just more than 6 years, but replacing that sucker will likely cost a small fortune, of which we do not possess, and it will probably be half or more, to have it fixed. Jay is in contact with the woman he is working with through the Traumatic Brain Injury program to see if there is anyone who might be able to help solve this predicament. For now, laundromat's and friends' houses.

I have gotten out my jars to take inventory of what we've got to find out what we need to get. We have a fair amount of jars and even some lids, plenty of rings and varied sizes of everything. I want to get a couple more gallon jars for Jay to make some salt pickles because I think they will store better and not take up so much space or jars. The plan is to can with more fruit juices instead of too much cane sugar, or other granulated. I am going for more natural. It looks like we will be canning some peaches and pears that way and for jams; raspberry, strawberry, peach, plum (already made some), apple butter, etc. We also want to make some marinara, salsa, applesauce, pickled beets and green beans, and Jay wants to make hot sauce. The main goal is to have something to add to most meals throughout the winter months. I noticed last year, when I didn't can the summer before, we were all missing the supplemental yumminess from canning. Since I don't have a pressure canner, I can pickle, jam and preserve, which is quite fine by me! Happy canning to all of you out there who embark on this delicious adventure.

Katherine is becoming more mature lately, which is great, but sometimes a little hard to believe. She is in dance camp this month on saturdays, which is going great. She will begin art camp with sketching and watercolors on monday morning for 4 consecutive days, 3 hours each day. Kung Fu is going well and I can already see her improvement after being in for only 3 weeks. I call her my Kung Fu Kitty :o)

It is roasting hot outside and I might drag myself to the pool if it didn't require so much effort with the dressing and sunscreen business. We have to be aware of our lotions and shampoos, etc. due to the food issues, so we get the most basic sunscreen, but it does cost more and has to be applied more often. Oh well, it could always be worse. I guess I am just tired of the going and doing, so I think that is why I prefer going out in the autumn. It isn't so hot, the light begins to fade and people draw themselves indoors. I am an off-season sort of person. I like to camp at almost all times BUT summer, hiking makes that list too, I suppose that cycling is one of the only things I don't mind doing in summer. Summer has never been my favorite, not even as a kid. I like the calm, cooler, dark, quiet of autumn, it is my time of rest, or that is the intended plan.

A Couple Goals

2011-07-18T09:33:00.000-07:00

We have been riding bikes a fair amount lately and now we have a superb trailer to carry things with us, so we haven't got any good reason to not ride places. I once read in a Trek booklet that we ought to ride our bikes to anywhere within five miles of our homes. It is in this radius that we create the most emissions from driving, therefore, biking or walking should be considered as an alternative.

Here is my goal for us as a family; to ride our bikes in every situation, with the exception of church (13 miles, one way) and dance (nearly 10 miles, one way) and any other trips that are fairly far, including, but not limited to, Berry Patch Farms. I think this is perfectly reasonable. Katherine is getting bigger and she has a great bike, plus, she still fits the tag-a-long that attaches to a parent bike to make a tandem.

Another goal I have is to not buy anything new, unless it is jars or lids with rings for canning, until Kat's birthday. For this upcoming paycheck, for which we are waiting and is on a strange cycle this month, therefore unpredictable, I am hoping to not eat out AT ALL, aside from the promised Chipotle for Katherine following her next 2 dance camps, since she dances for 3 hours straight.

All of this may seem fairly simple to many of you out there, but when we are so busy, the convenience begins to take precedence over anything else. In summary, the overall goal is to increase our pocketbook and give ourselves a bit of a workout, getting use out of our very nice cycles.

Well, that's that! Talk to you all soon! I hope to remember to let you know how it all goes!

A Whirl Through June and Early July

2011-07-11T11:56:00.000-07:00

Good golly, Miss Molly! These past weeks have come and gone in true summer fashion! It has been far too long since my being able to sit with my thoughts and begin to sort them to share. Mostly, everything is a blur of people, food from the garden patch, music, church, bikes, family, and so on and so forth.

It has been a whirlwind and July does not show any signs of slowing any time soon. For the last full week of july, Katherine is signed up for art camp through the city, M-Th, from 9am-12pm. They will work on sketching and watercolors. We have recently gotten her going in Kung Fu, which is M-F, 5:15-6pm, and now, Sat. at 9am. The great thing about the Kung Fu is that it is a flat rate and you can go as many times to the class during the week that you wish, so it is possible to take 6 days! She really likes it and I am glad. Dance has changed schedules this summer to where they are only offering dance camps during july, so we have had a bit of time to acclimate to Kung Fu and she will have her first Irish Stepdancing camp for these next 3 saturdays from 9am-12pm. She is hoping to work on her dance so well that she can test by the end of august into Beginner 2 and get her hard shoes. We shall see.

I was realizing how we seem to be busier now that summer is here, but mostly because they don't offer these sorts of camps and programs during the 'school year', so we have to snatch them up while we can. Since we homeschool, we can manage these funny schedules throughout the year, but they are only really available when the rest of the world has a break in the summer. So far, august should be fairly slow, although I have a way of looking at the calendar and thinking, "Oh look, I do have time!" I have scheduled the friday before her second dance camp to be an 'off' day to do NOTHING, because we have 2 things each day that weekend, PLUS the art camp starts that monday, so if I am not careful, I will end up with one burned out girl a week before her Iron Kids!

Speaking of Iron Kids, she is pretty excited to be involved. It will seem more real when we are closer and getting her things ready, but for now, it is just something that happens in early august. I think she is going to be especially thrilled because Jay's side of the family is planning to come and cheer her on. Both of his parents and Uncle Chris and Aunt Kara will be there, to the best of my knowledge. Being that she is a little Blue girl, the more people she loves who want to come support her, the better. I hope to remember to take pictures, but not so many that I lose sight of watching my baby go for it!

On to Jay! His ride went really well. He made it halfway through the 120 miles over enormous mountains and new when to throw in the towel. What more can you ask? He told me before he got started that just starting the ride would be a success and he rode 57 miles!!! It was a beautiful day and they didn't get rained on, thankfully, and Kat and I had a little date and drive in the mountains. One of the guys from church also did the ride and he caught a ride with us back to his vehicle, bought us dinner and even pitched in for the gas! Thanks, Mr. Tracey (as Kat calls him), that was so thoughtful and nice of you!

While Katherine and I were poking aroudn through the mountains awaiting our next pit stop for the cyclists, we popped into the little outdoor chapel of St. Anna, mother of the Theotokos, in Dumont. What a beautiful day and perfect place to go for a few. We said some prayers, sat by the creekside and watched hummingbirds dive bomb the feeders.

I am sure I have a lot more to report, but this is all I have for now. I may think of some more soon and post it, but this is the best update, for now. X' and O's!

A Tale of Three Finches

2011-06-27T12:20:00.000-07:00

For a long time, Katherine has been wanting to attract goldfinches to our feeders, they are her favorite. Jay’s favorite is the Robin Red-Breast, mine is the Red-Winged Blackbird, both of whom regularly avail themselves for our viewing pleasure, but the goldfinch is far more elusive.

We have friends who have a plenteous amount of goldfinches, not 5-7 miles from us. Katherine was so in awe when she saw them on our friends’ feeder, we have been trying to figure out the best way to get them to come, without spending a load on feeders, or special food. They are kinda picky and we only had one on a feeder a couple summers ago.

Ok, so enough of that rambling and onto the real story, you get the point, I think. So, yesterday morning, as we readied ourselves to go to church for the parish feast day, I looked out of the front door and what do I see? A goldfinch. She was sitting there hopping toward the feeder, with hopes of black sunflower seed, I daresay. I called Katherine over to see and told her to be quiet and slow as she came. She was so excited! We listened to the song and we watched as she hopped onto the feeder and then up into the tree after a sparrow decided to ‘share’.

We gathered our things and kept hearing the song of the goldfinch as we made our way to the car. What seemed like only one goldfinch was, in fact, three! They came out, one at a time, and they flew off. We thought that was all we would get, but were mistaken. From tree to rooftop to tree again, we were being followed. A little male goldfinch perched himself in the tree next to where we were parked and we kept being regaled with the sound of the delightful birds who came to send us off.

You can be assured that our feeders are nearly always full of birds, considering I was awakened this morning at 4 a.m. as they fed, which wasn’t the first time, but when they came, the feeders were strangely abandoned, aside from that sparrow. It wasn’t the time of day, since birds will eat whenever there is food and shove each other around. There isn’t any rhyme or reason for things to have been the way they were. I tell Katherine that they came to wish her a happy feast day, especially for her. How more wonderful that there were 3, though seeming as one bird, as a symbol of the Trinity.

If you can’t tell, I think it was pretty fantastic and I am so grateful for such a gift for Katherine. They really are a beautiful bird, whose song seems to float upon the wind while they pitter-pat in your heart a little.

Sometime, I may tell you the story of the dance of the Red-Winged Blackbird on the fence, or the baby bird on the bench.

Into the Tomb

2011-06-18T09:38:00.001-07:00

I haven't completely processed the entire day yesterday, it was rather filled with everything, ALL day long! It was good, beginning with waking up and having a latte for breakfast, which Jay popped over to the corner coffee shop and grabbed while I tried to gather myself together. We had to remember a few items before leaving so as to be prepared for everything that followed the most important event of the day...better yet, of the month, or even year, in my opinion. Food, check. Get dressed after drink latte to prevent spillage onto my white top, check. Clean house, courtesy of God's grace, allowing me to properly execute managing of time to accomplish on THURSDAY, check! Water, check. Kat's clothes for afterward at the park, check. Hmm, I think that is it. Oh yeah, prayers to start the day off on the right foot, check!!!

We got to the church at about 10:25ish, with a few minutes to spare and we simply waited. We received a trickle of people who had come to share in this day of Holy Baptism. They began with the Mystery of Confession of sins. One by one, they went to stand before the Holy Cross and Gospel, with Fr. Boris as witness, to confess of their sins before God.

When they finished, we filed into the church, Jay and I at the rear of them, in the doorway of the church. We are the Godparents, Jay for the boys, myself for G. (I think I will abbreviate their names, in case they would rather I not use full names.) We went through the first prayers for the renunciation of evil and the acceptance of Christ before Fr. Boris vested himself to perform the Mystery of Baptism. When he came out in full vestments, he wore white, the color of purity and the Resurrection, a color reserved for feasts of Christ, weddings and baptism. Certainly significant, by no means coincidental, and it represents the soul after baptism, as well. So, he came to bless the waters of the font and then proceed to the most anticipated moment, yet also the quickest.

Mostly, things are now a bit of a blur, as they usually are, but I will share they things that stood out for me. I loved that there were entire families there to support and partake of this glorious day. As with a wedding, it is a day that only really comes once, at least, in the Orthodox Christian's life, that is the intent. So, it is so wonderful to be able to have this day with so many lovely friends and their families.

During the service, I got choked up a couple of times, but it wasn't where I thought I might. It is amazing to be at an Orthodox baptism for grown people and not just babies. It is always wonderful, but there is something particularly special about converts to the Faith. When J pulled back his already short hair, so Fr Boris could anoint his ears and forehead, it was one of the most endearing bits of the entire morning. He is such a fidgety kid, G didn't know if he would able to stand there for the entire time and whether he might bounce around too much (he is a very active 7.5 year old, much to be expected). Just the same, I think he surprised everyone when he quietly participated in the entire service eagerly, with only two little spins in place as he held his candle and cross.

Just when I didn't think that things would seem much different than they had been, they went in the tomb of Christ (the baptismal font) and emerged to put on their blessed garments and crosses. Into the tomb with the old person, out of the tomb clothed in the Grace of God. The expression on all of their faces were changed and all seemed quite childlike, though I don't know that they realized their appearance may have been that way. As Fr. Boris went from one to the next anointing with the oil of Holy Chrism, I noticed how he knelt to reach their feet. It reminded me of the stories of foot washing in the Bible and the humility implied therein. It also made me think about how Fr. Boris, a priest and father of his flock is kneeling before those coming to Christ, which does not happen when it is a baby, since they are held in the arms of the Godparents. I am sure I cannot impart to you the exact particulars here, but you kind of get what I mean.

In all of this, I was very glad to have G's husband involved in the process. Without him, I think she would have been more anxious, considering she was nervous enough with all of his help. By God's Grace, he was there, with a myriad of purpose. He has a good heart and loves his family and I am particularly grateful he could be with us.

In any case, after the seal of the Holy Spirit, the service seemed to fly by, but we were already close to the end. Though the end of a baptism is really a shift in purpose and intent with the whole rest of a Christian's life, not really ending, but a new beginning. Tomorrow, we will partake of the Mystery of Holy Communion. Three Holy Mysteries in three days can seem a bit overwhelming, but it is such a blessing. I am looking forward to it and may find time to write after that also.

I thought that I might be rather effected differently than I was. It was joyful, peaceful and solemn.They came as G, D and J and, by the end, were baptised into Christ and named Mary, David and John, taking on the name of one great-grandmother and two great-grandfather saints of our extensive Christian family. The day will forever be etched in my mind, as I am sure it will be for those who were able to come.

Congratulations to the newly illumined!!! May the God of all send peace, love, wisdom and understanding to us all!

Movement

2011-06-17T21:15:00.000-07:00

The light begins
And darkness fades
In wounded illness
My soul doth wade
Heart clings to shadow
While brightness brings
Resplendent mystery
New days of spring
Edging forward
Onward, true
I long for peace
I yearn for You.
Unsettled, I stay
With but one sight
I will not sleep
This passing night
Wishing to enfold
And keep this dream
Persistent in manner
Afloat upon a stream
Of illusory delight

Without Words

2011-06-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

There is an everlasting struggle
It abides in silence and stealth
Invading minds and hearts
No one is exempt
The only thing eternal is the human soul
I have heard it said
Glory to God for all things
It is more than words
So much harder than thoughts
Applied to daily life
Practice peace and prayer
The rest will come
It will slip in as quietly as the silence
That begs to steal your heart
Putting to shame
The efforts of the ungodly
May the Lord of all be with us
In all corners and facets of life
Peace, Love and Light to all

Update and Thoughts

2011-06-08T13:27:00.000-07:00

We have been without internet for a week at this point and I am finding it somewhat of a relief. To be sure, I like to obsessively check my email just as much as the next person, but this has been freeing. At first, I had a few withdrawals, as it was a regular part of my morning routine, but now I find peace in it. Maybe it will last a little longer, perhaps a lot longer, who knows for sure.

We have gotten 3 goldfish in the last 2 weeks, because we lost 1, then 2, now we only have Ponyo, while Goldie (the first, and most beloved, rests peacefully at the foot of our tomato plant, Bertha. Bertha is in a container on the patio and Katherine buried him and, after crying from a broken heart, framed his tiny grave in yellow roses and set a little wooden cross as a headstone. She even took the time to inscribe initials, date and hearts on it. I know it is sad to lose a pet, especially when you've only had it a week, but I am grateful for the opportunity for her to learn a little more about loss. This life is bittersweet and I do not find that my job is done well if all I ever offer is sunshine and roses. My job as her parent is to guide her through many of her triumphs and trials as a child, so that when she is grown, she is equip to manage those things I her life that come to her. At the very center of that, I pray that God give me strength and lead me to the best way to do these things and also to turn her heart where it ought to be.

About that tomato plant, it is ENORMOUS! I am looking forward to reaping the fruit of its massive growth. It is seriously huge! I never, in all my life thought it could get quite so large in a pot on the patio, but it is thriving on lovely organic, fertilized soil, sunshine from above, water and God's will. There are so many tiny fruits that are green and I am imagining them with the greek mini basil that is healthily growing in another pot around the corner. YUM!!!

We have had some really great evenings of hanging out, as a family, or with friends, and bbqing. This is the start of a relaxing summer and I am trying to appreciate it all before I let myself get the better of me, but you never know, I may end up letting the summer fade into Katherine's birthday and fall away into autumn in a warm and calming wave. We shall see how everything plays out. I am actually particularly happy that we have made it to the pool with Katherine nearly every day since it opened (it is across the street in our condo complex, otherwise, it wouldn't be like that!). She loves to swim and sometimes we go in the evening when everyone else has packed it up for the day to go home for dinner and we have the pool to ourselves.

There are moments when I dream a lovely dream of living in the woods, or mountains by a stream, or a little farm, you can imagine where I am going with it. Anyway, I find a bit of unrest being in the city, but I am trying to glean from the city what I can, because it isn't likely that our situation will change any time soon. I have always been a 'bloom where you're planted' kind of girl, and I truly am, but it has been a bit rough lately when the family is at such peace in nature and Katherine wants so badly to run off into the wilderness to live with the creatures. There is a part of me that wants to give it to her, but the other part wants to help her to be in this world, but not of this world.

I have also seemed to come to a point in my life where I cannot see past now. I find it difficult to imagine what more life can bring, than what I have already known. When Father Boris gave the homily on sunday, among many things, there was a part that really struck a chord inside, where he pointed out that we need to pray for peace and long-suffering. If I have learned nothing, it is that much is gained through suffering, no matter how great or small. There is much to be understood, uncovered and brought to light, when forging our ways through this life. If I pray for peace in this long-suffering, which this corporal life has plenty to offer, it will help me embrace all situations. (I am not sure I will be able to really convey what I am trying to say with this, but bear with me the best you can.) When striving to be in this world but not of it, there will be some sort of suffering and in an average life, it will likely turn to a long-suffering. Patience, perseverance and prayer all come with long-suffering, which can turn trials into triumphs where ever the heart chooses to lie. Do I follow a path where life is nothing but stings and arrows causing scars and pain, or do I go to the spiritual hospital for healing, comfort and peace? The choice is not always hard, but keeping the answer to that question alive within ourselves can be more struggle than is always welcome. A peaceful and humble heart in God is what I desire and so I must take up each challenge and joy with the same direction and intent. My emotion will not swallow me, if where I put my trust is in the tried and true measure of prayer in long-suffering. I do believe that it is also perfectly reasonable to think that suffering is not always the picture that we might imagine and can be totally different with each person. Ok, I think that is all I can manage for now, but I may visit it again later.

Well, that was longer than I meant it to all be, and my time is up and I am set to go home so I can head back out the door to go to knitting, yay! I am currently trying a new stitch on a pair of topless mittens. My mommy got me the yarn when we were visiting and I am really enjoying working with it, the colors and texture are superior. Her rule is that she will only get me special yarn if I make something for myself, so this will be interesting and we will see how they turn out. So far, so good!

Passing of Time

2011-05-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

God is enough
This, too, shall pass
It always passes
Into time and nothingness
But He continues
With a constant cascade
Of Ever-present peace

This sinking feeling
Unintended unrest
Will teach before it fades
Assuredly, it sits
Patiently throughout
Stiffly, silently, softly
It calls to me

His presence calms
The storm shall pass
No tear must fall
With weighty steps
I walk
With heart in hand

The fight within pulls
Strings of reverie
Like a puppet
They dance about
Cajoling with temptation
Dripping from their steps
My mind must stay aright

Allay my feebleness
In heart and soul
Lift me up above my own fault
Keep all my senses focused
On God,
Will I rest my weary, tiredness
My self that is His to direct

Rainsong

2011-05-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

The beating of the rain
Is like a gloomy lullaby
A cleansing interruption
A welcome pause
Of this day's life

A necessity to all
Though slowing time
As it comes deliberately falling
It drowns the hustle
And washes the pathways

Simple water
Dripping energy
A spirit of essence
Calmly, without pretense
Rain brings vibrance

We cannot truly capture its beauty
Though we want to know the way
To be without wanting to be
To go where we must
To give without greed

The path is clear
The rain has always known
Going where it must
Completely, selflessly
In every place

A Good Day...

2011-05-17T21:28:00.000-07:00

Well, the start of this week is far more promising than any of the other days last week, so I would say we are off to a great start! I don't know how it caught my attention, but something sparked my interest in the, 'if this were my last day' sort of thought pattern tonight. My immediate reaction, like a ton of bricks, was that I wouldn't sleep because I wouldn't want to miss a thing. Then I decided that a minimal amount of sleep would be required in order to function in my last hours. Huh.

It occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to see everyone, or do everything, I am not able to at a moments notice, so the best coarse of action would be to pray. It was an odd flash of what life would be like if I was to realize that my life is only but a breath and blink in the grand scheme. I imagined hugging and loving people as though I had no history, or any future, for that matter.

It is these times when I have those 'flash-forward' images in my head that seem to project me toward what I know to be true and right. Things are clear for a mere second as they flit through my mind's eye in an almost tangible, yet drifting and surreal sort of slow-motion picture of what could be and what has been.

A fleeting thought came to me today about how we get to have certain moments of joy and peace, wherein our days are not so much of a struggle and we notice our happiness, like my day today. It gave me the sense that, while these are the days which bring me rest and calm, it is the other days, though seemingly tough and frustrating, that are the times that fade into a distant remembrance and become no more of a nuance than any other. My reaction should be the same on a day when I bask in the peace as when I want to hide in my bed away from all things. This is nothing new, but when it sinks into my heart and soul is when it makes a difference and begins to change things. The interesting part is that it is likely the transforming is taking place without my absolute knowledge, yet it doesn't dawn on me until the exact moment when it settles into my innermost being.

A good day, but that is true of any day when I awake with breath in my lungs and a light in my eyes...Glory to God for all things, but today, especially those that help direct my focus to where it ought to be, even if only for a short time....

A Day for the Books

2011-05-10T22:33:00.001-07:00

It is amazing how the things that used to seem like the troubles and pain turn into the fond memories of today. Though many should stay where they are laid, others linger on in the stillness of a timeless revery that could not be cut off if you tried to free yourself. The lesson probably stands that we are set up to cherish those things we have at the moment we have them, whether or not we wish to tolerate and even graciously accept it.

We have but this one life, though we dwindle our time, energies and most faculties as we drag ourselves from station to station. There are those of us who seem to subscribe to the school of thought that we ought to be without troubles and be as happy as we can while we are here, because that is the meaning of life. I belong to the opposing team where each and every treacherous disaster and strife brings us closer and reminds us of where it is we are trying to go. We all must make a choice, though it is not so easy to stay on the paths we have decided upon.

I had a strange moment of clarity which seemed to illumine something for Katherine, while, at the same time, causing a peace to settle inside myself. We were discussing something uncomfortable for her and she is not inclined to take kindly to sadness and troubles, considering her earliest memories include her dad going to the E.R., or so sick with a migraine we have to nearly tiptoe in the house, etc. We were, in fact, talking about her struggles with her papa, when we had our moment. It was one of those times where you aren't really sure from whence the words stem, but they seem like good ones and they reach in to turn on a light switch. It was something to the effect of this; when we are struggling, that is when we tend to learn the most and gaining wisdom is a good thing, so we must also approach our struggles this way. Our struggles are what shapes us and wisdom is its natural companion.

This day is closing and so will I, with a psalm (117, septuagint):
"O give thanks unto the Lord, for He is good; for His mercy endureth for ever.
Let the house of Israel now say that He is good, for His mercy endureth for ever.
Let the house of Aaron now say that He is good, for His mercy endureth for ever.
Let all that fear the Lord now say that He is good, for His mercy endureth for ever.
I called upon the Lord out of my trouble, and the Lord heard me, and set me at large.
The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.
The Lord is my help, and I shall see my desire upon mine enemies.
It is better to trust in the Lord than to trust in man. It is better to hope in the Lord than to hope in princes. All the nations compassed me about, but in the name of the
Lord I warded them off. They compassed me, yea, they compassed me about; but in
the name of the Lord I warded them off.
They compassed me about, like bees around a honeycomb, and they kindled like fire among thorns; but in the name of the Lord I warded them off.
I was thrust, and overturned, that I might fall; but the Lord was quick to help me.
The Lord is my strength and my song, and is become my salvation.
The voice of rejoicing and salvation is in the tabernacles of the righteous.
The right hand of the Lord hath wrought mightily, the right hand of the Lord hath exalted me; the right hand of the Lord hath wrought mightily.
I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord.
The Lord hath chastened me sore, but He hath not given me over unto death.
Open to me the gates of righteousness, and I will go in by them, and I will praise the Lord.
This is the gate of the Lord; the just shall enter thereby.
I will praise Thee, for Thou hast heard me, and art become my salvation.
The stone which the builder rejected is become the head stone of the corner.
This is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes.
This is the day which the Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Save now, O Lord; O Lord, send now prosperity.
Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord; we have blessed you out of the house of the Lord.
God is the Lord, and hath appeared unto us; appoint a feast with thick boughs, even to the horns of the altar.
Thou art my God, and I will praise Thee; Thou art my God, and I will exalt Thee; I will praise Thee, for Thou hast heard me, and art become my salvation.
O give thanks unto the Lord, for He is good; for His mercy endureth for ever."

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, both now and ever, and unto the ages of ages. Amen. Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, glory to Thee, O God. Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, glory to Thee, O God. Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, glory to Thee, O God. O Lord, our Hope, glory to Thee.

Birds, Patio, Plants and Breezes

2011-05-10T13:11:00.000-07:00

I am writing this post from the patio of our condo while I listen to the chimes sing, both bamboo and melodious, birds calling and the breeze is pushing the trees around. I sit next to our planter boxes where we have a couple of tomato starter plants and various seeds nestled in beneath the brown earthy goodness. We have had our first sprout today; the kale, italian lacinato variety, Katherine's favorite! It is always encouraging to have something come up from a seed and it is a good reminder that we need very little in order to survive. We all begin in the darkness of the womb, animate to life through gentle nurturing and God's grace and, when the time is right, we break through and begin to set down our roots and absorb life in its many glories.

I find a lot of peace and comfort in growing things because I get to sort of co-create with God again, even if it something I am not needed in order to accomplish, it is joyful. The earth is still an abundant, life-affirming place and spring is such an overtly plentiful time. What love and joy it brings, I am grateful to have been born in springtime, though I tend to prefer the quiet of autumn overall.

The birds came to us and told us to feed them the day after we got back. I was out on the patio going through dirt and planting things and the birds were watching, so they thought they might sit perched atop the roof and call down looking right at us!!! Next day, we got some seed to fill the feeders and they are happy campers. The birds we tend to see in our area are as follows; robin red-breast, red-winged blackbird, cassin's finch, house finch, european starling, mourning dove, pigeons, sparrows and basic blackbird and occasional goldfinch. I LOVE the red-winged blackbird, while Jay is partial to the robins and Kat hopes to see more of the goldfinches. We did just stop in at our local, brand new Wild Bird's Unlimited down the street and grabbed a cake cylinder to try to attract some Northern Flickers, those are fun to see and seem SO big compared to our little finches!

Jay is currently in the midst of resurrecting our wormbin, which has been out of commission for a little while after it went by the wayside when we went out of town last summer. We will compost our food bits, at least the ones Buttercup, the wee dog, doesn't eat and what doesn't get thrown for the robins, as they seem to like tomato if it is in the grass. I am looking forward to having things up and running while we attempt to have a quiet family summer at home, with a side of seeing friends and family when the occasion allows.

"What shall I render unto the Lord for all that He hath rendered unto me?
I will take the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the
Lord." (Psalm 115:3-4; septuagint)

More Pictures

2011-05-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorites!

My sister and Kat are so much like twins sometimes!

Our fixings for dinner at my sister's house! YUM!

CHRIST IS RISEN!!! TRULY HE IS RISEN!

A beautiful church tucked in the hills of Corvallis! If any of you live nearby, or ever have the opportunity, stop by for a service or visit!

(I thought the other pictures were nice but that they came out kinda small, so I thought I would post a couple more in a larger size :o) )

A Few Pictures

2011-05-06T00:00:00.001-07:00

Inside the church was beautiful!!!

At my sister's, they were so cute together, they are almost like twins...a lot!

Grawmps and Kat on our morning of departure as he tried to keep her from thinking about having to leave :o( Sad business, but no one could do it better!

We Are Home!

2011-05-05T23:23:00.000-07:00

We made it home safely from our trip out west. After an all too brief, but really great stop at my sister's in Portland, we were off again and the wedding was lovely, the bride lovelier. Things went smoothly and Katherine made it through the wedding ceremony in her dress without grass stains or bruises, which she promptly got following said ceremony. She made good friends with the boy of a long time friend whom we haven't seen in awhile, though they live in Fort Collins these days. We just don't get up north that often, but there are a handful of people I would like to see at some point, including my goddaughters in Wellington. It has been too long, but that is nothing new. Perhaps in the nearer future things will be different, we shall see.

We had a wonderful Pascha in the pretty little church of St. Martin the Merciful, in Corvallis. It is a beautiful church full of truly great people. We were able to make it to a small portion of the 12 Passion Gospel's on thursday evening, after we went to the rehearsal and dinner and I had my confession with Fr. James. It was interesting because there was a momentary purging of all my conscience in such fluidity I had to wonder from whence it came. Good Friday was spent peacefully working a bit around the house of our hosts, though I would have liked to helped more. They are a fabulous family whom we hope to see more of in the future and not so much time in between (I can't measure the time it had been since seeing them last!) Saturday was a massively busy day with liturgy in the morning, getting lost trying to find a store that wasn't there, getting back to the house only to realize we had a super short window of time to eat/rest/shower/change/etc. before being whisked away to the wedding site where they were taking pictures beforehand, ran an errand, back for the ceremony and keeping Katherine from mussing her dress prior to THE event, had some delish gf/df vegan pasta dish and cupcakes, enjoyed a bit of dancing and catching up, back to the house to gather our Pascha basket items and anything else we hadn't had time to remember, off to church for the end of the Acts of the Apostle's, midnight service, it rained on our procession, Katherine was barely awake (Lord knows how we made it through!), she fell asleep wherever she could in the church until being woken for communion and all she wanted to do was sleep and eat an egg. That wasn't even the end, because, really, it is only the beginning of anything when the Paschal bliss sets in and the tiredness slips away into nothingness as we gathered ourselves and walked across the dirt road to the priest (and his family's) house for the post service feast! Phew! We had a lovely time and went home, slept around 5 until 9ish, got up, had some snacks, Jay requested an espresso of Martinian and Evgenia as his special Pascha treat. I felt like we were so welcome to stay and could have for ages, but also that I wanted to make it down to my folks' to settle in. We met them at their Pascha party at a parishioner's home near their own and that kicked off our next week.

Our visit in southern Oregon was fairly relaxed and pain-free. We didn't try to do too much, which is usually my fault and ultimate demise. I did get to take my husband to a B&B for one night in the little town nearby, which was amazingly lovely, while Katherine went on a movie date with Gran and Grawmps. I took my sister out for some lunch in Jacksonville at a great deli-style place who advertise working with people's food choices and needs, total awesomeness! Spent some time with my nephews who are getting so big and darling. My mom got to be off of work and wasn't sick the whole time like last summer, so we got to do stuff. Katherine and my dad nurtured their relationship, which is good for them both, I think. It was almost too short, but it was enough to do things and have a memorable, pleasant time with everyone. Glory to God!

One day home and I was out planting seeds with hopes of a large (for us) and delicious crop, though small and contained in our little patio garden. Gina brought Gracie back to us and we spent some time getting back in sync with them. Katherine and Jack played a lot and the weather was so nice that Kat thought she'd wear a tank top, so now she is learning about her fair skin that isn't acclimated to so much sun, especially this early in the season! Poor girl, at least we have a good amount of aloe! All is quiet and I should be off to bed, I just wanted to pop in for a few to give the latest and greatest :o)

Red Eggs and Ham...Well, Any Flesh-Meats Will Do

2011-04-25T22:49:00.000-07:00

When Christ is Risen at midnight we proceed around the church 3 times after all the candles are put out, only to return to a well-lit marvel as we enter the tomb where Christ was laid on Good Friday to find He is Risen!!! I joyous canon of prayer ensues, with intermittent and raucous calls of "Christ is Risen! Truly He is Risen!" in any number of languages including, but not limited to, english, slavonic, greek, welsh, armenian, german and gaelic! The liturgy begins right after the canon and annual traditional Paschal Homily of St. John Chrysostom. Nothing really says unity like the homily of one of our founding church fathers' being read aloud in thousands of churches across the entire world.

We had a lovely time at the sweet little church in Corvallis after the wedding. It was very long day on saturday between liturgy in the morning, eating, showering dressing and being early to the wedding for pictures, back to the house to situate then going straight up to the church in the rain for the rest of the Acts of the Apostles, midnight service and liturgy. When all was said and done, we were finished with church by 2:30/3 a.m. and then went to the church hall (aka-the priest's house across the way) for a bit of festal fast breaking and egg cracking. Katherine was only interested in her hard cooked eggs in their pretty wrappers and that is what she ate. She had her egg that she received while venerating the cross and one from her basket. She also ate a massive load of marinated artichoke hearts after she finished her eggs. By the time I crawled into bed that night, though the Paschal bliss was streaming through every inch of my being, it was 5 a.m. and I drifted off into a 4.5 hour rest. It was sufficient, though I was nearly awake by the time we left, ha ha! Jay said that if we had a choice of another parish in which we would find comfort, it would be this one.

Today we had sausage, eggs, potato and avocado for breakfast, hence the flesh-meats. For dinner, hots dogs, giant salad, corn and baked beans made with bacon. Tomorrow, oatmeal and bacon for breakfast! We have a few other varieties of meats and such, so we will be set for a couple days. I am trying my best to take things slowly and not load up on too much, but only have tastes here and there, but that hot dog was g-o-o-d!

So, red eggs, eh? I have given it some thought this year about the amazing symbolism which comes from the very first egg, which was a miracle, in the company of the emperor during St. Mary Magdalene's days of spreading the Gospel. The outside of the hard cooked eggs that we dye is red, which is for the humanity of Christ. The egg also represents the tomb of Christ, in which He was laid. When we crack the tomb/egg, we find white, the color that is for Christ's divinity, but it is also a place where life begins, when properly conceived. The egg can be seen as a complete symbol of Christ, as well, in that the divinity within is clothed with the shell of humanity. It may not piece together quite like I imagine, but I think you get my drift.

I love this faith where living it is the only option if you choose for your heart to be constantly transformed by Christ. I was also turning over the entirety of our faith in my brain because it amazes me how Christ is so magnified throughout all of the year, in all the feasts. Even the feasts that seem to have another in their centrepoint, the presence of Christ is so intertwined which makes it obvious how He is "everywhere and fillest all things." The Theotokos is amplified because God chose her, though she had to cooperate with God's will with her own freewill, it glorifies God in her devout purity and synergy. The saints are elevated to their heights because they have followed Christ's path and fought the good fight and, with God's help alone, have emerged victorious in the life and age to come. Every year we are there when the angel announces to Mary that she is chosen, when Christ is then born, presented into the temple, is baptised by St. John the Baptist, the sermon on the mount, entrance into Jerusalem, the betrayal, last supper, crucifixion and the laying in the tomb as we await the Resurrection throughout the night until He is joyously risen!!! We are there with Him as though time has not passed these 2000 years. Soon it will be the Ascension and Pentecost!

Christ is Risen!!! Truly, He is Risen!!!