A (sort of) Update

We've had some smoke from forest fires in the vicinity, but the past day and a half it's been pretty nice and somewhat clear! Huzzah!! I'm so grateful! It's been cooling off at night and we've had some amazing sunsets that we'll be able to enjoy if the clearing keeps up.

I've got some tomatoes in the garden, some cucumbers, and summer squashes. Since our move in May (yes, we moved again!), I didn't want to do too much for gardening, considering we'd already have our hands full with house stuff and property and chickens. I'm glad we didn't bite off more than we could chew in that respect, especially since we aren't even unpacked completely and it's August! HA!

We have a lot of chickens! These are the breeds we have: Black Australorp, Plymouth Barred Rock, Ameraucana, Light Brahma (gentle giants, one is a rooster known as Lord Grantham), Cuckoo Marans (dark chocolate eggs, when they finally lay), White-crested Black Polish (black body, white afro of feathers on top, one is also a roo, the hen will lay white eggs), a few bantams (mini hens), for good measure! I love our chickens!!! We chose them based on egg color, temperament, and overall beauty/interesting features...Kat is the chicken whisperer still and she is so good with them. I do the morning chore of feeding them, mostly to make sure they have the right amounts of things and I can keep better track of our supplies, but she let's them out and tucks them in at night and is always willing to bring them scraps, or treats, or just go hang out with them. Oh, and we mustn't forget her help in keeping those rooster boys in check!

Right now, Papa and Nina are making salt pickles the old=fashioned way, mostly because the fresh dill at the market has been awful for me to can any for the winter just yet. These past couple of years, there is a trend in favorites of foods I can, which seem to be dill pickles, spiced peach sauce, spiced apple maple butter and applesauce, and salsa verde.They get eaten like nobody's business! The last jar of canned pickles is in the fridge right now, so these salt pickles and some of Jay's refrigerator pickles should hold us over until the new batch is ready to eat in a couple of months.

Alright, I'm getting hungry for a snack, so I'd better get on top of it before I lose my chance and it's too close to dinner! Later gators!!

Since

I have come to realize in these passing days since the loss of my dad, I have been the most undone and more completely myself I have ever been, though I haven't yet risen from the ashes just yet...

There seem to be more grounding experiences in the process of grief, than those that seem uplifting, considering the lack of high points as were previously known, but it's been a solid and purpose-filled journey, not matter the heartache. I have been at the lowest within myself I have ever delved and also the most honest. I have given up and taken that next step...

This is what fuels our lives, this amazing love and connection we have with those around us. We can't always choose with whom we will connect, only God knows who that will be. We cannot even fathom the depth of our connections when we are bound in this flesh.

I am drawn to the rugged piece of humanness that offers a reality only love and loss can provide, for it has more truth in this life than all words and confrontation. I believe in a life that is both tethered and free, immense and measurable, but so drastically beyond all that we can comprehend, imagine, and absorb.

Back On!

So we've refurbished the old laptop, saving a truckload of money, instead of buying a new one, and I'm back online and hopefully ready to write. I miss it. After all of these months that have included the loss of a few family friends, my grandma, and my beloved daddy, I think I am ready to just back in full force.

This refurbish is brought to you by Jay and Misha, without whom, I may not be able to spew my thoughts on the wide world of interwebz. :)

Eep! I am way more excited than I thought I would be!!!

Thickness

There is fluidity

There is life

There is all that comes with night

The calm

The dark

The electric vibrance 

A peaceful weight upon the soul

Waves

Life is fast

It goes and grinds

Grief in pieces, 

Locking, tumbling 

Landing on falling

Standing in crushing waves

As silences befits this moment

Comfort does not sit

Well within the heart

Driving the soul

Keeping sacred purity

Blinded by beauty

Tainted by pain

Always moving

Forever changing

Jagged shards fit together

Making whole the broken

Drawing nearer to tears

Brings me closer to you

I remember

I know

I feel

I see

I am...

Sinking, floating, soaring, dreaming, dragging, beaming...

Enlightened and alive

Hiatus

I have so much I would like to share, but none of it is truly formed properly, so I will just babble a little bit. Since Dad's repose, so much has happened, I feel like listing it would take forever and I will miss something, but here are the highlights: Jay's VA comp and pen appointments and decision, back to back sickness in our house in the SUMMER (UGH!), my grandma fell and broke her hip, I joined a gym, Jay, Sis, and Mini all had birthdays, our wedding anniversary, my sister is pregnant, new nephews (twins) from Jay's bro and sis in law, church and more church, grandma's health declining and release to home on hospice care, kid activities, life....um, yeah.

Grief bubble still has an opening for me and thanfully so, due to the current declining state of my grandma. Jay likes to call it a year of change, which is certainly that, but 2 of the most influential and prominent people, whom I love and have known my entire life, will be gone from this earthly place. Dad in June, now Meema...

The chaos that fills this place is only bearable right now because I have been diligently going to the gym. Endorphins and some time to turn off my mommy/caregiver brain is so precious and priceless, it has help transform how I greet the world each day. I have been going more regularly, and even working with a personal trainer, which is helping me challenge myself (mentally and physically), while giving me the tools to accomplish a ton and be more effective in other areas of life. Thank GOD! Seriously, this is a Godsend, considering how much change is going on, has taken place, is coming up...

I often think of my dad and feel like there are gifts that he bequeathed to each of us upon his  repose and one of mine is the focus and determination to not give up. I am notorious for starting things, or getting part way through, but not finishing, so I think of my dad and the way he would always persevere. No mater his pain, fatigue, lack of mobility, etc., he would press on, albeit slowly sometimes, he kept going to the very end, no excuses, and usually for other people. He worked so hard to make sure that everyone else around him had everything they needed and there was always time to make for someone else. In a roundabout way, I see going to the gym as something I can follow through doing and regularly think of him and how he would just keep trying and doing, but also, I am going for my family. They need me and I need to be well. On top of that, I have a 3 year old, so that means I will be an older parent, which also means I have got to be in shape enough to keep up with that lovely little spitfire.

I don't know much, but I know God's will be done, regardless of how we feel about it. I am at peace with much, struggle and try to persevere in all things, but live more moment to moment not more than ever, for which I am grateful. Love and peace be with all. 

Anticipation

I see you

In my dreams you are there

Talking and laughing

I cry with tears of joy 

Knowing all the while

It's fleeting,

Only fleeting

Are all our lives

As we live in shadows 

Of love and purpose

Growing ever nearer

Our ultimate home

Outside ourselves

Without this flesh

In timeless captivation

Awaiting unity

In eternal hope and love.