A (sort of) Update

We've had some smoke from forest fires in the vicinity, but the past day and a half it's been pretty nice and somewhat clear! Huzzah!! I'm so grateful! It's been cooling off at night and we've had some amazing sunsets that we'll be able to enjoy if the clearing keeps up.

I've got some tomatoes in the garden, some cucumbers, and summer squashes. Since our move in May (yes, we moved again!), I didn't want to do too much for gardening, considering we'd already have our hands full with house stuff and property and chickens. I'm glad we didn't bite off more than we could chew in that respect, especially since we aren't even unpacked completely and it's August! HA!

We have a lot of chickens! These are the breeds we have: Black Australorp, Plymouth Barred Rock, Ameraucana, Light Brahma (gentle giants, one is a rooster known as Lord Grantham), Cuckoo Marans (dark chocolate eggs, when they finally lay), White-crested Black Polish (black body, white afro of feathers on top, one is also a roo, the hen will lay white eggs), a few bantams (mini hens), for good measure! I love our chickens!!! We chose them based on egg color, temperament, and overall beauty/interesting features...Kat is the chicken whisperer still and she is so good with them. I do the morning chore of feeding them, mostly to make sure they have the right amounts of things and I can keep better track of our supplies, but she let's them out and tucks them in at night and is always willing to bring them scraps, or treats, or just go hang out with them. Oh, and we mustn't forget her help in keeping those rooster boys in check!

Right now, Papa and Nina are making salt pickles the old=fashioned way, mostly because the fresh dill at the market has been awful for me to can any for the winter just yet. These past couple of years, there is a trend in favorites of foods I can, which seem to be dill pickles, spiced peach sauce, spiced apple maple butter and applesauce, and salsa verde.They get eaten like nobody's business! The last jar of canned pickles is in the fridge right now, so these salt pickles and some of Jay's refrigerator pickles should hold us over until the new batch is ready to eat in a couple of months.

Alright, I'm getting hungry for a snack, so I'd better get on top of it before I lose my chance and it's too close to dinner! Later gators!!

Since

I have come to realize in these passing days since the loss of my dad, I have been the most undone and more completely myself I have ever been, though I haven't yet risen from the ashes just yet...

There seem to be more grounding experiences in the process of grief, than those that seem uplifting, considering the lack of high points as were previously known, but it's been a solid and purpose-filled journey, not matter the heartache. I have been at the lowest within myself I have ever delved and also the most honest. I have given up and taken that next step...

This is what fuels our lives, this amazing love and connection we have with those around us. We can't always choose with whom we will connect, only God knows who that will be. We cannot even fathom the depth of our connections when we are bound in this flesh.

I am drawn to the rugged piece of humanness that offers a reality only love and loss can provide, for it has more truth in this life than all words and confrontation. I believe in a life that is both tethered and free, immense and measurable, but so drastically beyond all that we can comprehend, imagine, and absorb.

Back On!

So we've refurbished the old laptop, saving a truckload of money, instead of buying a new one, and I'm back online and hopefully ready to write. I miss it. After all of these months that have included the loss of a few family friends, my grandma, and my beloved daddy, I think I am ready to just back in full force.

This refurbish is brought to you by Jay and Misha, without whom, I may not be able to spew my thoughts on the wide world of interwebz. :)

Eep! I am way more excited than I thought I would be!!!

Thickness

There is fluidity

There is life

There is all that comes with night

The calm

The dark

The electric vibrance 

A peaceful weight upon the soul

Waves

Life is fast

It goes and grinds

Grief in pieces, 

Locking, tumbling 

Landing on falling

Standing in crushing waves

As silences befits this moment

Comfort does not sit

Well within the heart

Driving the soul

Keeping sacred purity

Blinded by beauty

Tainted by pain

Always moving

Forever changing

Jagged shards fit together

Making whole the broken

Drawing nearer to tears

Brings me closer to you

I remember

I know

I feel

I see

I am...

Sinking, floating, soaring, dreaming, dragging, beaming...

Enlightened and alive

Hiatus

I have so much I would like to share, but none of it is truly formed properly, so I will just babble a little bit. Since Dad's repose, so much has happened, I feel like listing it would take forever and I will miss something, but here are the highlights: Jay's VA comp and pen appointments and decision, back to back sickness in our house in the SUMMER (UGH!), my grandma fell and broke her hip, I joined a gym, Jay, Sis, and Mini all had birthdays, our wedding anniversary, my sister is pregnant, new nephews (twins) from Jay's bro and sis in law, church and more church, grandma's health declining and release to home on hospice care, kid activities, life....um, yeah.

Grief bubble still has an opening for me and thanfully so, due to the current declining state of my grandma. Jay likes to call it a year of change, which is certainly that, but 2 of the most influential and prominent people, whom I love and have known my entire life, will be gone from this earthly place. Dad in June, now Meema...

The chaos that fills this place is only bearable right now because I have been diligently going to the gym. Endorphins and some time to turn off my mommy/caregiver brain is so precious and priceless, it has help transform how I greet the world each day. I have been going more regularly, and even working with a personal trainer, which is helping me challenge myself (mentally and physically), while giving me the tools to accomplish a ton and be more effective in other areas of life. Thank GOD! Seriously, this is a Godsend, considering how much change is going on, has taken place, is coming up...

I often think of my dad and feel like there are gifts that he bequeathed to each of us upon his  repose and one of mine is the focus and determination to not give up. I am notorious for starting things, or getting part way through, but not finishing, so I think of my dad and the way he would always persevere. No mater his pain, fatigue, lack of mobility, etc., he would press on, albeit slowly sometimes, he kept going to the very end, no excuses, and usually for other people. He worked so hard to make sure that everyone else around him had everything they needed and there was always time to make for someone else. In a roundabout way, I see going to the gym as something I can follow through doing and regularly think of him and how he would just keep trying and doing, but also, I am going for my family. They need me and I need to be well. On top of that, I have a 3 year old, so that means I will be an older parent, which also means I have got to be in shape enough to keep up with that lovely little spitfire.

I don't know much, but I know God's will be done, regardless of how we feel about it. I am at peace with much, struggle and try to persevere in all things, but live more moment to moment not more than ever, for which I am grateful. Love and peace be with all. 

Anticipation

I see you

In my dreams you are there

Talking and laughing

I cry with tears of joy 

Knowing all the while

It's fleeting,

Only fleeting

Are all our lives

As we live in shadows 

Of love and purpose

Growing ever nearer

Our ultimate home

Outside ourselves

Without this flesh

In timeless captivation

Awaiting unity

In eternal hope and love.

Darkness

I love the quiet and dark of night 

There is something 

So calming and thick about it all. 

The fabric of life seems to gather together

In the sweetness of its movement

As it breathes in busyness,

Exhaling rest and respite.

Revitalization begins here;

In the darkness,

We  await the Light.

Home

There is this place I go

Green, quiet, and alone

I see my thoughts

Hear my heart

Peel away the dizzy

Silence is thick 

I touch the beauty

It hurts and heals

I believe

I stand bare and real

No one knows

This place I go

There is this place I go

Walking in twilight

Heavy steps dragging

Onward to the water

Peering in at me

I remember

Reflections and refractions

Begin to settle 

Disturbed only by my tears

Sitting quietly

In this place I go

Bubble

There is an awful sort of lingering

One that drifts in and out

Like waves of the sea,

The tides creep ever closer to shore

Knowing they must also draw away

But ebb and flow, they must

Just as from the beginning

I long for more metered beats of life

Fewer open spaces pausing me in thought

When this becomes what is

Instead of suspended newness

Like a breathless moment

These days offer solace and sadness

Filled with hope and love

While clinging to heartstrings

Tugging with intensity

From time to time

Sometimes not at all

Only for a thought

Before it returns to this head

This heart that is magnified in aching

Take hold this hand

Guide these feet

Make steady my resolve

As I continue on this path

Of love.

Memory Eternal

This is a repost from 12/10/10, but very appropriate right now. Dad fell asleep in The Lord saturday morning, the day all of the Orthodox faithful worldwide are praying for the dearly departed, and he was buried yesterday in Platina.

God Keep You Now and Always

I am given to thoughts of life
Thoughts of precious, wasted moments
Fleeting perfected love and simplicity
My heart is broken
Though, as if it never knew how to love
Until this time when you may leave
We are all going to lose this gift
This life of what we know
But the tears cannot quiet
The disruption inside my soul
This thrashing in seclusion
Find me weeping, see me standing
Barely keeping a single thought long
Torn in pieces
But only beginning to understand
Only now can I know the enigma that is whole
Yet there is no solace anywhere tangible
The pulling at my heart consumes each breath
Is in each step and utterance
I see your face and long to always
Your presence never meant more
Why, I do not know
A solemn and jagged peace is lingering
As if to comfort and calm
How will I ever let you go?
How could I ask you to stay?
Be at peace and know that no matter
We shall remain and carry on
This life can never be the same
Though we can hardly ever be apart 
Oh, that I could have been the daughter I ought have
Oh, that I could breath in the moments of waste
Breathing out only that which profits us both
Ah, but we cannot regret 
That which makes us who we become
Without those many lessons
I might have not made it here

I know how to love
Because of you
I know how to give
Because of you
I know who I am
Because of you
I am a daughter given to be a wife
Because of you
I am strong and fearless
Because of you
I am loving, compassionate and open
Because of you

Our hearts come from the same seed
From the beginning of time
The line runs deep and vast
It draws us into nearness and love
A kindred understanding of life
A common hope and purpose
Intertwined in this dancing prism of life
Forever and for always, my papa you will be
Know that I am where you are perpetually
For you are here and may not know it
Your life and memory will live on
In our hearts, without fail
May the God of all bless you
The Most Holy Theotokos stay by your side
Your guardian angel guide you
St. Seraphim comfort and guard you
May all the saints, known and unknown
Pray unto God for the salvation and purification of your soul
That you be without blemish when He comes
None can keep you from Him
Though why should we wish to do so
May enlightenment be upon you
Understanding, peace and love
Constantly keeping you 

May God keep those of us that must stay
That it be to the glory of God
Forever and ever, Amen

Changes in Time

Sometimes a feeling has to begin without

To strike the chords within

The daydream where I walk is paved in memories

Love 

Bittersweetness of life 

My feet do not touch the ground 

Though the weight within my heart seeks 

To sink me... 

I have this body

But the disconnect that separates 

These thoughts

This heart 

Are worlds apart

Dragging on with diligence and devotion 

Into a sea of magnitude

I feel driven to empty the contents within

Yet so withdrawn 

I cannot even fathom the distance between 

A calmness soothes 

The noises surround fuse

Becoming a sweet bite of life 

Walking ever closer

Always nearer

You.

I Love You, Dad

The evening light 

Of starlit night

Waits quietly in awe

To put to bed 

The restless head

Of those who fret and toil

Stand fast and near

My love, my dear

This shall also pass

As waves of sea

Depart from me

So, too, will you in time

Change of tides

Love still abides

Always keeping us together.

Forgiveness Sunday

We are on the brink of full immersion into Great Lent and the sunday wherein we ask forgiveness of those in our lives, so as to begin with as clear a conscience as possible and reconciled to our brother's and sister's who are the image of God. In the spirit of forgiveness, please forgive me, a sinner. Please forgive my thoughts and thoughtlessness, my action and inaction, my words, deeds, selfishness, or offences of any kind, as I am fallible and without excuse. May your lenten journey be fruitful and peaceful; Lord, have mercy!

My Love

Awake in the night

She cries with fright

Heaviness in all her heart

Nothing will settle this weight

It hangs nearby 

Looming as troubles brew

Little darling, sweet child

I will come to you in darkness

Allay your fears with kisses

Wrapping arms around your struggles

Carrying away any sorrow

Holding one another

Tomorrow will come

We will see the sun rise

Alit upon our cheeks

Sun's beauty and warmth

Offering truth and simplicity

Only life can know its depth

A Prevalent Notion

Like a flower

Plucked from the field

I sit in wait

As the day begins to fade

The weight of eternity

Rests knowingly upon my heart

Whether I will or not

Truth pervades within

Tugging and striving

Drawing every breath

Each movement 

Of deepest tranquility

Becomes a solace

Though turmoil resides 

Kicking up dissent and wrath

Strength and peace

Prevail

Lenten Preparations and Discussions

Just two weeks more and we are in the midst of Great Lent; so it begins again. A journey onward and upward, toward Golgotha, cross on our shoulders, as we look inward to watch the ways in which we might focus better on God, helping our neighbor, seeking a repentant heart, in preparation for one of God's greatest gifts He has ever given us: His Resurrection!

With Great Lent comes prayer, fasting, almsgiving, selflessness, and the like, as we make efforts to prepare ourselves for Pascha. Oftentimes, when we think of prayer and fasting, we focus on the very tangible aspect of them, such as food. One of the things we are discussing in Sunday school is the concept of watchfulness over our thoughts, actions, and words. I am having each kid keep a watchfulness journal/list, if you will, in which they have written things they hope to do each day during the great fast. Some of the ideas that we have come up with include not fighting with siblings, doing chores without complaint, watching what we say/watch on tv/music we listen to, etc., simply governing ourselves in a manner that is more controled and aware of how our actions effect others. I will also keep a book to walk with them in every way I can, and we are to visit the list daily in the mornings and/or evenings, in order to remind us and keep us accountable.

At home, we are making a list of hopeful tasks to accomplish, from reinstating family reading time in the evenings to getting paperwork done that has been shuffled around for some time now, as well as, menu planning and healthier eating. This is to be added to our family prayer time in the morning and evenings, and before and after meals, saints of the day and daily Bible reading. I would like to focus more energy on crafting for myself, because I have ever so many projects that get swept beneath the carpet when I allow the chatter of the world to creep in and drown out what should be done. Sis is in my Sunday school class, so she will have her own personal list, and maybe Jay will play along with us in his own way; I know he is game usually.

As with as many Great Lent's as I can remember, we will do our traditional planting of seeds in the first week. We will plant outside for cool weather plants, like peas and lettuce, and inside for the warm weather babies, like tomatoes, cucumbers, and beans. With God's help, we will have something to eat and perhaps enough to can for the following winter. The spiced peaches I canned back in August are surely being appreciated by everyone lately, which makes all the hard work totally worth it. Sometimes it seems tedious, especially when learning a something new, but at some point it becomes familiar and systematic. I hope to have enough cucumbers of our own, or supplement from the local grower's market, to make plenty of pickles; we have been without this year due to our growing season being effected by a number of factors, not the least of which being the terrible fires that causes awful smoke and lack of proper growing conditions. 

Ok, I think that is about it for now. Peace be with you.

Aha!

With all of my rambling of randomness, I forgot to mention that, along with the walking and biking we are moving toward, we are also shifting to getting back on track with some of our diet needs. Even when being gluten and dairy free, there is still much room for eating junky things, like cakes, cookies, and fried foods. Now that the season of sweets and such is over (for now) and in preparation for being ready to embrace Great Lent, we will be eating better...again. My hope is to eat more simple foods that offer a wide variety of benefits. I have already begun making us smoothies with the Vitamineral Greens, which I love, and having things on hand to make a salad regularly, for those who wish to throw one together. 

Ok, now I really think that is all ;)

Finally, The End Of January!

We have made it to the end of January in our new schedule and things have been good. I am looking forward to continuing most classes for the girls, though we are visiting whether we will spend the money on certain classes for Sis right now, or put it into an envelope and save it for a summer camp of the same fun business. Anyway, we shall see, but these girls are doing really well in their tumbling classes, and Sis is moving up to being in longer piano to make sure there is enough time to do anything, since her music is getting longer and more complicated. On top of learning to play, she is also learning to identify notes by their names both on the keyboard and treble/bass clef staff position, and working on different practice scales, so longer class will be great and she loves her teacher, so it works out.

We have finally gotten some rain in the valley for the first time in what seems like forever. I am chomping at the bit to plant things, since it should stay somewhat mild enough to get a few things in the ground, like peas, beets, and carrots. I have to wait until after the first, which will be pay day, so we can head down to get things to make raised beds. I would like to repurpose things to be a veggie/flower/herb/fruit bed, like the fire truck toddler bed. (We had to remove it from the house because a certain toddler was keeping hersel awake playing with the knobs and things...) Any ideas on what to repurpose? I have a pallet that we may fill with dirt and plant; my biggest criteria is creative and interesting. Oh, our bulbs we planted after we moved in are already starting to poke their little leaves up through the earth, which makes my heart jump for joy!

While I take the girls to their sister tumbling class, we leave papa for a minimum of 2 hours to work on his Orthodox graphic novel. He is working on adapting the lives of saints into a form that is appealing to many, but to target teens/young adults, beginning with Great Martyr Katherine. There are ever so many children's books, and certainly plenty of meaty adult books, out there and this is one of the concepts he has been wanting to work with for some time. It is coming along and we will see how it goes; I will keep you updated as to when he gets further along.

I have begun to teach the older kid's Sunday school after the liturgy, since our usual person is with family as they grieve the loss of her father (memory eternal, Rafik!), though my role is not to teach exactly as the other teacher has taught. This has proved both challenging and rewarding, due to the needs of older kids and the vast resources of what the posibilities are in this realm. Because they are able to comprehend things on a different level than the younger kids, knowing where to begin can be unclear. I have read the lives of Sts. Macarius the Great of Egypt and Brigid of Kildare, discussing their lives, having questions, really trying to get them to think. The season of Great Lent is upon us, so I hope to tie in the Gospel readings of the next sunday into the lesson with Q & A. I want to learn about the following sunday because they will have one bit from me and the next week they will have a follow-up by Father's homily, which I am hoping will reinforce what we discuss. As well as these lessons, we are discussing Christian virtues in an applicable manner, to try to bring mindfulness of ourselves and another aspect of the great fast. We often tend to focus on what food we are and aren't eating, and less on what we are or aren't doing/saying. These are often the hardest for us and I want us to acknowledge the entirety of the fast, so I have asked them to think of things for next sunday. Godwilling, this will all come together.

On monday, Jay took Mini to her 'tass' on his bike, with her in tow in the kid trailer, which we call the 'stroller bike', since it converts between bike trailer and stroller. Now that the weather is more cooperative, lacking in snow and super cold (all of which has been unseasonable for these parts!), we are aiming to drive less, bike and walk more. The overall goal is to be driving for liturgies and to Medford, but walking and riding all the other places. As I explained to Sis last night, it is good for our bodies, the earth, and our pocketbook. We started off by walking to her swim class as a family and I took Luna on a walk while she was in class, while Daddy and Mini watched Sissy swim. It went pretty well and I hope it continues to last, though I am at the coffee shop a little begrudgingly on my bike, because I ate lunch and got tired. I am glad I hopped on Samantha and came down, but getting the motivation to get out the door sometimes may become interesting. The ultimate question is: How badly do I want to go? Not to mention the outcome of feeling happy to have pushed past the lethargy of the body and slug onward, making a pinch of progress in redirecting some of the willfulness into productivity.

I think that may be it for now, but I suppose that is enough. We are trucking along, looking forward to February being a shorter month, as January has seemed eternally dragging. Spring is coming, Great Lent, another birthday for me, plants, flowers, hiking, barbecuing, camping, and whatever else we come across. 

Along The Way

O Lord! I should possess a constant heart

One worthy of praising You

All of Creation sings anew each dawn

With the rising of the sun and break of day

The whole earth reflects Your beauty and promise

Changeable and willful, am I

Wasting away my time

As though I have eternity

Nestled in my pocket

Idly pressing time for more

When will I learn without inducement

To flee to You in every way

With every breath, my heart beats

Yet I continue waywardly

Overlooking my recourse to You

May Your mercy fill me

Your will guide me

As love overcomes all

Covering a multitude

In accordance and abundance