First Light

The birds wake and call sweetly
They know the sun will come
Bringing the light and promise of a new day
The glass may appear half empty as the cold night lingers
While the warmth of day slowly pushes through the dark
The sky glows before the return of the sun
Rich and deep colors that do not stay long
The creeping rays of sun are crossing the previous eastward lands

Clipped in, I ride uphill to get the blood moving
The lungs begin their complaint
The morning is still very young and almost cold
But more beauty abounds than can even be counted
I crest the hill and level out for a bit
The sun is nearing the horizon as I come around a bend
I am listening to the Ashoken Farewell/The Contradiction
Which refuses to be changed for anything
I glance over toward the east and catch the suns first orange glimmer
Stopping, I sit on a curb, bike laid to the side

A person might think it would take awhile to watch the sun rise
On the contrary, it is rather efficient
The glow of the rounded, perfect fireball begins ascent
The small clouds pale in comparison
But the light of the sun shines on all
So the beams of light steal through the farthest touches of cloud
Just above the sunrise, a few clouds are illumined and silvery
The sun is coming, really and surely
Everything is aglow and each moment brings a new light to a sleepy land

All of Creation awaits this start of day
It will be a sad day if the birds lose their fervor
The suns rise would be so empty
But for now, the sky still welcomes the fading night
The birds all call to the coming day
The moon has waited to say good day to the sun
So when it has risen, I get up and ride along

Now I ride downhill with a nice view of the full moon
A few turns lead to a path behind homes
Up, down and around
Here comes the uphill as I shift gears to make the climb
Courage is not in beginning the upward climb
It is the faith that the top of the mountain will come
Pushing onward, the cold air bites in the shadows of the homes
Oh! To be back in the sunlight again!
Even the light seems to simply warm a little
Just as there appears to be very little chance of making it without walking
The sun breaks through in a very promising streak

Conquering the length of that hill is so invigorating
So incredibly purposeful
As the sun rises just a bit more
I ride out to the street nearby where I had watched the sunrise
As I turn toward home
I decide to turn back around for one more look
The all encompassing burst of light is so constant as it beckons
A little longer in the beauty and the warmth and then back home

I have been so consumed with the sunrise
I did not notice the cold on my skin
Nor the stiffness in my muscles and hands
As I approach the house, I think to myself
If anyone ever first learned to love
To laugh, smile, dream or pray
It was when they first welcomed the sun
In their heart and soul

Totally Random

So, I have seen the new movie, "Babies", it was a Mother's day outing with Katherine and it was just great. If we didn't already know just how much I love babies and want oodles of them, now I am wanting a little African baby. I am just saying that if there are any babies who need a home and someone knows of some sort of inexpensive way to land one in our lives, we would be SO ecstatic! Craziness, I am sure you are all thinking, but I would like to point out that just because adoption can be expensive, doesn't mean that having a baby around is too. Tough we have enough money, babies need love, NOT money and we have an abundance in this house. Jay said that I would have to start saving up, but it may take 20 years to save enough and, by then, any child that small could be my grandchild (not that I care one bit, but you know...) Maybe Sandra Bullock could send a tiny one my way, or Angelina Jolie, for that matter. *SIGHS* Ah well, God's will be done, but I think I will always feel this way...just a little. I have said it before and I will say it again, I would be the house mother of an orphanage if they even had those anymore, if I could. I just want to love and care for all of the unwanted (by someone else, NOT me, not EVER ME!) children and babies of the world. If I make it to 35 without anymore (bio) kids and not having the stork drop one off on our doorstep, I will surely reassess things, but I just may try to move mountains for another tiny one before I am 40!

Alright, I am done...for now. Hugs and love to everyone and make sure you hug your little loves a little tighter, just for me!

Markedly confusing notions and the peace that resides therein

The expanse within the heart of my soul
Sits in wait
Once, a dormant fellow
Now, impatiently child-like
...But wisely still kept

The stillness captures
Few, but brief
Quick, like breath
Moments of solemn peace and love
Stillness and sweet peace

Stillness is where the beginning
Does not end
Nor the end, begin
The mind cannot comprehend
Yet the expanse is filled without effort

It will seem, at times, to be both
Empty
and
Full
Eternally flowing within and without

The broad and gaping chasm lies
Within
the
Stillness
Looking as if to expect, but ever lying in wait

Perhaps what is not seen is simply
A fullness
A breadth
Of undiscovered Truth
An overlooked piece that has always been

What looks as if to be an open gap
A hole
A ditch
A barren land of naught
Is, in truth, to be the blessing and the stillness

Perhaps, the complementary partner
The black
to
The white
A balance which defies reason, yet forms a great foundation

As I sit to think, to wonder in awe
A struggle
and
A calm
Both approach and attempt to explain

There are no words for this stillness which creates
But it is full
it is rest
It just...is

As if to be a breeze, or water washing over smooth stone
A tranquility comes
To quiet
To comfort
To bring our hearts into the same oneness that flows

There we confront the whole where we have broken ourselves free
Or so we thought
But we wish to rejoin
We yearn for what we know of the piece that we have taken
When the inner voice calls us to unity and truth

It is knock, knock
Knocking
At the door of
My heart
My soul
It will only be silenced by the submission of myself

Submission and acceptance of the greater We
The lesser me
The all
Alpha and Omega
The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit
God

A Remarkable and Purposeful Existence

I am 32 years old. My life is not what anyone might expect, but it is more than I ever could have hoped to have. My husband is ill due to of complications with gluten and PTSD...stabilized, for the most part, but ill to the point of not being able to be out of the house for extended periods of time, even after nearly 2 years.

I used to ponder what it would be like to travel over seas, to go to some of these spectacular places with history beyond imagination or comprehension. These days, I am happy to have my little family together at the end of the day.

I used to think about having a larger family and, on occasion, I still wonder about the possibility, but I can't help but be nearly perfectly content to have just the 3 of us. In all honesty, do I really not have all that I need and beyond? If God will's it, we will have more, related by blood or not, but it is enough for now.

I never imagined that life would be quite this good, or challenging, but I am so glad for this journey. I have never been one to wish away circumstance, although there have been times when I would like to procrastinate things away ;o) I am grateful for the struggles and pain, without which I would not be able to identify the joy and love which so readily penetrates and permeates our lives in almost every instance.

My life is not for everyone, but we should all be so fortunate to be able to count our blessings with each beat of the heart in the midst of struggles, or on the face of such a lovely little girl, or in the eyes of a spouse who loves unconditionally with every breath...sometimes I feel as though I am in Heaven already with this family who fills up every inch of my being and that I have a glimpse of eternity.

If only my connection with my fellow man and Creator could be so engaging...ah, in due time, in God's perfect time. There is a brewing inner peace in this lovely stillness following Pascha, it is such a profound and indescribable tranquility that engulfs the very being that I am suspended in awe.

So many things float around in my head from day to day, moment to moment, that it seems to be the chaos amidst the order that drives the chaos into order. I know, mind boggling, right?

I used to imagine that a broken heart is one that has been split because of troubles and heartache in such a way as to cause despair. Now I think of the heart being so full of applicable troubles and a heart that aches with love because it is so full that it cannot stay whole. Perhaps it is the heart which is broken that is capable of the greatest love because it is not closed to all the rest of humanity. When the door is left agape we cannot be sure of what will step in, but in a heart there is a coursing blood that carries simple love and life to and from without any boundaries or ties. There is only life and death, and there ceases to be any division among us because there is no beginning or end of the flow.

My heart is not my own and I do not wish it to be forevermore. I have learned that the more my heart is open, not only may I let people in, but I may also be in the heart of another by way of stepping outside of the door in myself in such a way as to empathize and understand in ways that I could not if I were very guarded.

I look forward to the coming years, God willing, if it means, "speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ"-Ephesians 4:15 I stand here stripped of my misgivings, growing in awareness and love and light and life as I anticipate the next piece of the continual and perpetual grace and love that is and always has been.

Before all else, I am in love...in love with a love that is beyond measure, bound to a heart that seeks my own and a grace that fills all things. So, if you are looking, you can find me wading through my own drudgery just to follow the bits of my heart taken captive by the infinite love...

"I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me;
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's hosts to save me
From snares of the devil,
From temptations of vices,
From every one who desires me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone or in a multitude.
* * *
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me." ~Excerpts from St. Patrick's Lorica


Glory to God for all things (not just the things we want or like)

To be, or not to be...

Let's have a little chat about something that has been more often bouncing around a lot of circles ever since we have elected our new president. I am growing increasingly tired of all the usual arguments for and against.

I would like to state that I am a Pro-Choice, Pro-Lifer. Here is the kicker....wait for it....I don't think that the choice should be considered as being available once a couple becomes pregnant. The choice should be when a person decides to commit the act necessary for conception and if you don't want the possibility of a baby, KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!!!! The choice then following the intercourse that results in a child, yes, I said CHILD, should be whether this child is loved within a home provided by either the bio duo, or another set or person.

I believe in life, but I also believe in our God-given freewill to make choices. I would not expect a person to surrender their rights, but it would be nice to think that there are more people out there thinking about the consequence of their actions. On the same note concerning life, I would hope that a person who believes in the undeniable right to life of an unborn child, would also consider that the idea of a death penalty for those imprisoned is just as heartless. It is as if to say that when that persons mother decided to give life to this child, she should have made a different CHOICE...we can have no blood on our hands from either the execution of our fellow struggling man, nor from the innocent whose names we will never know.

I would also like to point out the numerous families who have a difficult time conceiving and carrying a pregnancy to term. I am sure there are a multitude of people who would be more than happy to be a loving home for the little darlings who someone thought they would enjoy themselves and then think about what comes next...

I do not think that our choices should be taken away, but I would like everyone reading this to consider what sort of decision making and thought ought to be best utilized and how each person can be a better example. If we are to love one another, then perhaps we can begin by taking the time to consider what I have said and all of us begin to try to be less self-centered.

Words to live by

"Pray, and then when you have to, speak to your children with love. Lots of love and few words. Lots of prayer and few words for everyone." Elder Porphyrios, on the upbringing of children from Wounded By Love

I need to remember these much more often than I do. Lord have mercy!

Whether I will or not...

Whether I will or not, the current will move me
Like a boat on the sea
Or a bird in the sky
...the current comes and goes
And knows no other way to be
It just is...

Whether I struggle or not, I will be consumed
By the fullness
The ever-changing sameness
A suffocating freedom
No beginning and no end

Whether I fight or not, the enemy still surrounds
They breath on all that is good
They pull the strings of the unsuspecting
They whisper quiet nothings of temptation
They never sleep

Whether I am willful or not, things will be as they are
Perfection without prejudice
Love without pride
Unity without confusion
A succumbing silence of peace

Whether I know it or not, I cannot go this alone
There are righteous warriors at hand to my defense
The sea, the air and land
Shields and swords ready
All I have to do is summon them
Then
Surrender
Protect my foolish, stubborn soul!