Death, or something like it

This is piecings of a thoughtful evening and may be added to at some point in the future.
Today in church there sat the open casket of one of our parishoners, Stella (Stephanida) Seminuk. I was not prepared to see her when I entered, only tomorrow after the Liturgy for the funeral service. She was there for the Pannikhida service right before the vigil, in the middle of the church. Lots of people were there, even people I have not seen in ages, coming together the way death sort of has its way. In the flicker of the candlelight, in a somber kind of way, people took their turns to see her for the first time since her passing, to pray, reflect, love and greet. We all aren't sure what to say, I guess there isn't much. Stella was an old woman, she had a full life, it was to be expected as ill as she has been. But still, an indescribable feeling of loss, not only of Stella, but of ourselves in that casket with her. I understand better what it is about death that makes us selfish...we are because we have to relate. We must relate to this part of life, death is as sure as God. I think that it is such a mercy God has given us to participate in death, we get to feel what it is like to lose a person, find ourselves and in such a short time, understand our lives more clearly, our purpose.
I cried and I was trying to think about why. I did not know her well, only bits and pieces, a very nice woman to the end. I came to the conclusion that I cried because my heart ached and I did not know what else to do, there IS not anything else to do when someone dies. We start to realize how little time we actually have, as simple and silly as that may sound, but it holds up the mirror of mortality and shows us the fork in the road to the path of our own slavation. Which way we turn is our own choice, into ourselves for consolation or to God for guidance.
I was thinking about how the soul is freed when we die...freed from the shell of a body that does our bidding in our web of sins. No longer is it trapped, no longer can we sin. When we pray for one another when we are living they most certainly help us to follow our own paths to salvation, but, nonetheless, we continue to sin no matter how hard we try. When we die, that is the end to sin. This is why it is soooo important to pray for those who have passed away. For us that live, it is an uphill battle...for those who have died, they have no more affliction of the human condition, no more ability to sin and our prayers no longer fight the current of this raging river of life. In sin do we pray, but from love we are heard.
There is so much more hope in death than life. So much that Christ has taught us to be prepared because it really does not matter what we do in our lives unless we are properly preparing for the eternal life for which Christ died. We can learn and love and so mch more, but our purpose is eternity with Him. Preparing for our own death is not a terrible thing, but one to be taken seriously since that is where our souls spend eternity. It doesn't matter whether we think we know what God wants, or if there even is a God, we will all find out when we are dead and I would rather be ready for it than caught off-guard. In death, there is so much hope, just as Christ has given us hope of eternal life through His sacrifice. We will always miss people, in our own ways...it has been said that 'misery loves company...' and nowhere do I find it more true than in our need to connect with one another. We seek others to comfort us in our affliction, Christ is our comfort...His saints are a great comfort as well...they prove that the Holy life that Christ lives is possible and True in every way. His promise holds true and keeps us going in Faith, Love and Prayer.
In love I write and love I keep, most steadfastly and to the best of my ability. May God bless everyone on their paths and Lord have Mercy on us all!
Much love, me

Hmmm...the meaning of life?

Everything good has already been said, there is nothing more to say, but I will beat the dead horse anyway. I guess there are a lot of ways to say the same things over and over, in the end, what does it matter? We are all on our own paths to salvation, our ideas, thoughts and judgement are of no consequence. What is the meaning of life? Is it to come up with our own ideas of what life should mean to us? Is it to serve God? Is it to create our own 'destiny'? It is funny because, in the scheme of things, it doesn't matter what I think, only what I do. Do I actively follow God? Hmmm, tough question...there are so many levels at which we can do this...since I am on my own 'personalized' journey toward salvation, then yes, so long as I participate in church and try to listen when God speaks, I only hope that it does not fall on deaf ears. What of this life? I mean, really? To love, share, hope, cry, despair...to live....to give, recieve, gain or lose...all these things are human, but what good are they? Do they have any purpose? I think so. I think they are our tools and also our comfort. We learn from all of this and are comforted when things fall into place. When will we all learn, "...and the greatest of these is LOVE." God tells us this and we talk as if we know anything and are still so blind to its beauty and simplicity. He gives it to us and we are too silly to realize what we have. I am no different, I misuse nearly everything that has been given to me....but for God's guidance, I am able to glimpse something more than what I am and strive to become. I see the beauty, I hear the call, I feel the love, if only briefly as a silly human. Maybe I will seek the silence...I like this quote, "A quiet man is not always wise, but a wise man is always quiet." What would the world be like if we couldn't mess things up with our tongues and emotion? If we understood that our words usually hinder us from our intent. I feel like my tongue has been cut from the stone of Pride, to speak is to believe that my words are of some value. If the words I utter are any besides those of love, what good are they? Seriously? Not that we should have people step on us, but if our only response was one of love....a hug, a kind word, a smile...ahhh, but then we get to the fact that we are fallen and imperfect and therefore have to accept our fate as thus. We can follow God as He prescribes, to the best of our abilities and perhaps one day, I will be quiet and just hug people with a smile. I suppose it is not do unto others as you would have them do to you...but maybe more like, do unto others as Christ would do unto you....selfless, perfect love and kindness.

"Mommy, where does God live?"

Yep, she asked the other night when we were walking around the neighborhood with the dog. What was my answer? "Well, let's see...some would say in the Heavens, since in the beginning He made the Heavens and the Earth and if we are here on earth He is there."
"Where are the Heavens?"
"Well, the if the earth is here, many people look to the Heavens up where the stars and sky are."
"Oh."
"He is in the Heavens with the Saints and the Angels..."
"Like I get to be an Angel in the Christmas show?"
"That's right, my love, just like that." I say, smiling on my face and in my heart. "God is also everywhere since He made everything. He is in the trees and the dirt and the grass and the stars...and He made the cats and the..."
"and the dogs and the people and the cars..."
I must say, it is interesting to try to explain that while she is right because nothing happens without God, the actual cars were not made by His hands but through the people whom He gave the brains to use the materials which He created to thinkit up and put it together.
That was mostly it, my darling little daughter and her bright little mind...I love her so much...as if there was any question.

Little Tsarevich Dunn

Well, let me see...I am hoping to have another baby, it is nothing new to those that know me. The waiting has been a true test of patience and I am prepared to wait for eternity if I must, but for some reason I have always felt that God would give us more than one. Call me crazy, but I have known, somehow in my heart we would have more, but would have to wait. Knowing that we might have to wait does not make the waiting any easier and doesn't stop the thinking about how maybe I am wrong and it REALLY could happen anytime. We have never prevented getting pregnant and do not ever plan to, so we are certainly an example that you do not end up with a dozen kids simply because you don't use any birth control. Of course, all is God's will, whether to have 12 or 2 or zero as the case is for some. I cannot explain it, for some I won't need to, but I feel like this just might be the month for it again...please pray for me as I struggle through this...I ask specifically for you to pray for me/us to St Xenia (since she is my Patron), St John the Wonderworker, Sts Elizabeth (both the righteous mother of our Forerunner and also our New Martyr of Russia), St Seraphim of Sarov and Royal Martyr Alexandra. Even more specifically, I am praying for a boy...Royal Martyr Alexandra went to the glorification of St Seraphim and paryed that he help her pray to have a son, and heir to the throne and one year later Tsarevich Alexis was born. Just pray that God's will be done and that if I am to have a baby, our boy might be in line, our little Jon. Whether we get pregnant or not, it will be to the glory of God, that if we are at month's end it will be God's miracle and if we are not, I will continue my lesson in patience and a greater purpose for my time will be eventual. Both results will produce God's will. I know that there are some who do not believe in the saints and their ability to speak to God on our behalf...they are our Christian family, so just speak as if you are asking a family member who has past something, your prayers will be heard. Even if it does not happen this month, I am confident that God will hear our prayers and set the right time in motion. Thank you for everyone's love, support and prayers, most of all. Please forgive me if I have offended anyone, in word or deed, mind or thought, known or unknown, please forgive me a sinner. I do not ask it often enough of all of those whom I love, and love me. Much love and prayers to all.

Queen of my Heart

Things I never knew
Places I've never been
I know and I go with her.
She is so small
has so much to learn
Life is all but discovered.
What's more
She has so much to teach
The world in all of its madness,
Bows down at the feet
Of the Queen of my Heart
Its rules do not apply.
She floats along from place to place
Her mind just wanders away
to places much better,
Much brighter and dear.
Each day I glimpse a peek
Of horses and butterflies
Babies and mommies
And Ring around the Rosies.
I'd like to stay
I'd like to play...
A tug at my mind reminds me
She is only small
Not long at all
So treat these moments with care.
The years are short
When days feel long
As we walk hand in hand.
The seasons change
I learn new love,
Her love
Fills my heart with gladness.
I cannot say
If there was a day,
So certain that she stole it.
My heart is hers
Forever and more
There is nothing that I need like it.
My only fear
In this whole world
Is to lose the love of this girl.
More precious than anything there ever was
Treasured like gold and jewels.
So sweet and lovely,
Warm and gentle,
Continue to show me the way.
Onward toward the King of Kings
with the love of a child in my heart.
If ever I forget how to love
I look in her eyes
And, somehow,
Without words,
I know the way again.
So much Truth
In our bond
And what she gives me
She will never know,
Until one day
She has her own
Sweet innocent, beautiful hearts
To show her
To give her
This that she unknowingly offers

There is a love
The one we give
This one is much different.
This sort invades
Takes over your heart
Teach us the way we ought to be.
If I could live
If I could love
I choose for her to steal it,
Every day
Every breath
Every smile
Every hug
Every kiss
All for
The Queen of my Heart

Love

Love, one of the things so often talked about through the ages...we are no different, we all want it. We come across the same questions...Where does it come from? How do we get it? What exactly is IT? (I will probably jump around when I talking about this and perhaps not even use proper punctuation or paragraphing, nothing new. I am writing as it comes.)
The funny thing about love is that although it is very confusing and complicated to describe, it is so simply felt and straightforward just the way it is. Love just IS. That is it....there are many faces of love that show up on occasion, but its state does not change, only its facets. When we believe we are loving something or someone more, is it possible we are just learning to love a new way? That love is already complete and we are finding its pieces as we learn to better love? Sort of like filling the pieces of our love pie, so to speak. Yes, it is most definitely a funny way of looking at it, but I think it is true. We find the pieces that fill the different aspects of love.
Where does it come from? Well, let's see...God is Love, hence there would be no beginning or end to it, just as there is not to God Himself. We will probably not ever know the entirety of God and therefore, we are also limited in our understanding of Love as well. We are the product of God's love, broken, torn, fallen in shambles from our own Pride, but we are still the product of God's love and should seek the perfection of God as Love for our life's work.
How do we get love, or have it? Well, it would follow that if we seek God and His Truth's then we would be an active part of His Love. When we follow God and His teachings, we can understand how He loves us, in our fallen way. Through being a parent, as God is our Father of all, He gives us a model. That which we expect from our own children is what God expects from us, at minimum...we wish for our children to do as we say the first time, act fairly at all turns, care for others, be polite and always tell the truth and seek it as well. It is our own Pride that keeps us from love and separates us from God as well. I suppose what I am getting at is that to understand love and to seek after it, we must also seek God and everything else will follow. God and Love are synonymous. Without God, there is no love, without love, there is so much pain and confusion...in that confusion brings darkness and deception.
Well, I think I have reached a conclusion, God is Love, seek God and find Love, but do not let Pride take it from you as we often allow unknowingly. Keep your eyes on God and the confusion of the world will fall away.
I am just so silly, as if I know anything...this is just what I have been thinking about lately, swimming around in my brain.
Love to all, Xen

I fall down and cry unto Thee

I cried today, in the humbling presence of God and His music as a gift to the church. Not just cried, but wept for so many things.

"Let us who mystically represent the Cherubim
and sing the Thrice Holy Hymn to the life-giving Trinity,
Lay aside all earthly cares..."

Please take them from me! I do not know how to do it alone, I do not want to!

"That we may recieve the King of all,
invisibly borne in triumph by the Angelic Orders.
Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia."

This music in a particular arrangement just wells up inside me with a sense of peace and sadness, comfort and yearning all at the same time. Peace that this is the Angels song through us and picture of heaven and promise of love, but the sadness that I am so unworthy and continually separate myself from God through my sins. Comfort from the beauty in the words (Lay aside all earthly cares, repetitively, petitioning the body and mind to let go of this world's trouble)and heart sung melodies that God has not forsaken us and a yearning to understand more and be more than I am, that God has given us tools through the Holy Church to grow closer to Him and His heavenly kingdom.
When we are babies and small children we have such sweet innocent knowledge of God's love and His gifts. As we grow older, our bodies and this world, tear us from it. The all-loving and merciful embrace of God. I can see it in my child as she grows, I mourn for what will become of her through me and my imperfections that I wallow in. It is my job to somehow raise her to be better than I am, a more loving, merciful, forgiving, God-fearing Heaven-ward being...How can I manage all of this when I do not know how to myself? But for the Grace of God that she should have a better chance. With tears of repentance I fall on my knees before God and ask that, if I cannot be saved, please take my child, she is all I have and the magnification of my tainted earthly love, heart of my heart, blood of my blood. Please take these broken and humbled pieces of me as an offering and accept my child, she knows not what she does, but I being grown, known the awful truths of this world, do not let her know what I know, how I know.
And, yet, there is hope! In the darkness there is the light of my soul with my Guardian Angel, given me at Holy Baptism, will help guide me on my path, sometimes dragging me along, that I may become worthy of those things which God wishes us all to have. That through the Grace of God washing over and through my selfish, Prideful and pathetic body and soul, I might better bring myself to the Glory of God. It may not be quick, most good journies are not, and I hope this one lasts my entire life, to the Glory of God! If God will grant me more opportunities to realize my sin and repent, I will not be forsaken, I will not be alone, I will know how to guide my family and child, that she may have the same chances to bring herself to God and fall down in love and gladness, with tears of repentance, not only for herself but all of our brothers and sisters in Christ and all of mankind. We are not alone in body, but in spirit and through our forgiveness and love we understand the weakness of us all and can learn to better pray, for if we can truly pray for others as we pridefully pray for ourselves, all is not lost. If we follow the Light of the Church that God has given us as beacon in this bleak world, we will not be alone, but together in love and piety, supporting each other through this treacherous and painful life. Please pray for me, a sinner on my path to salvation and righteousness, that I may not perish through my body and mind, but be saved in the Love and Mercy of God.

Love to you all, with all my broken and unworthy heart, Aurelia Xenia Peace Nichols Dunn

http://arhiv.malorus.org/valaam/mp3/04/Heruvimskaja%20-%20Pasha%202004.mp3
(this is what I was listening to while I wrote this, you will have to copy and paste it to listen)