Me

When I was small, love was what she gave me
Love was something that came and never went
No matter what I did, she would always love me
Nights of popcorn and movies
Kisses and hugs, all kinds of love


I got a little older and I started to grow
Harder and without heed
Her love would never leave me, but I would run from it
Love became a broken heart
In a young girl grateful for the lesson
Aching from the breaking


I grew further along the path of myself
As far as I could get to being me
Where would I end up
Love became a sort of carefree thing
Love all, forget the rest


People came, people went
I stayed with me
Not much else to do
Just live


He came along and wanted me
He walked up with a heart in his eyes
The same broken light in my own
Together we became whole
So much love
To have
To learn
To give

We had a baby girl
Who knew the love I could have inside
Like my heart was outside of me
Love was a new place

We have grown together
We have cried together
We have loved together
Love is a great place


Now I have been a mom for awhile
I look in the mirror
I see her there
For all she has given me
The love that never left and kept me through the years
I am a compilation of years of women
Generations moved by love
I am her
I am her mother
I am more than me

I understand her now
I am her now
I love her more than ever
Love is something I have
learned
wanted
received
given


She can never leave me
Nothing can ever part us
We are the same

She is the love I have to give
The love that lives here
The love that grows

She is the arms I have to hold
My own heart and Hers
My little girl asleep

She is the eyes I use to see
The love, the life, the world
What I have, who I am

She never knew what she had to give
She is my mother
She is my sister
She is my daughter
She is me
Happily

the mountain

Well, here I sit...thinking, wandering through thought and space. I am not sure where to start. It is nearly the Nativity of Christ (O.S.) and I am feeling a little bit of relief and a bit of joy as would be brought by such an occasion. The birth of Talia Noelle (friends' baby) has sparked a new light in my heart, in general and for the season. I love Creation. I love the work of God's hand! I remember when I became a mommy and I go back to that place in time that I still love and will never forget. To become a mother is a simply wonderful, fulfilling experience. I get to be a mommy every day of my life, for eternity, I will never not be a mom. I still love it and someday I will look back and think of these moments as I already do of those all those years ago. Probably you are thinking, "Where on God's green earth is this going? Are we just talking about how much we love babies and motherhood...?" Well, i don't suppose I have a real point, but it is indescribable to be a parent...
At times, I think that since I am too distracted to live my life perfectly in struggle, focused on God, I am given such beautiful sidetracks as motherhood and marriage. Thank God for His mercy! If I had to choose my distractions (to learn my lessons), they would be as lovely as these! So long as I learn to see the plank in my own eye, learn to love as sweetly as my daughter, learn to be loved as my husband tries to love me each day and take for granted nothing, perhaps I may succeed in this struggle that is life. There is no race to win, only love and compassion to be had. We should rejoice, the birth of Christ is at hand! Sometimes I think people don't really get it...and sometimes, I think I don't really get it! I try, perhaps that is enough for God...for now. I am grateful for the Grace of learning, I am more than grateful for the Grace of Love and understanding. I am beginning to understanding real love. It is like being at the bottom of a mountain and looking up...the feat, is that I can actually see the mountain and it is not blurry. I can see the beauty from this point and now I wish to climb it. Now, for the lifelong task of climbing the mountain and finding more wholeness in the perfection that is Love. With God's help, I can do all things. Even if I never reach the top, I expect the view is spectacular...

My Meager Fruits of Fasting (Thus Far)

So, I tried to start this blog already and be all 'PC' about why we are still in the Nativity fast and everyone else is celebrating the birth of Christ, well, not everyone, there are some who celebrate christmas without Christ being the reason they do it. Anyway, we are still 13 days out until the 25th of december (by the church calendar, the one in place when Christ was alive, that did not get changed by Pope Gregory XIII, hence Gregorian/civil calendar) which ends up being January 7 by the Gregorian/civil calendar. Anyhoooooo, I am writing because I have been thinking a lot during this fasting period about my life, as it is and what it will be. Maybe because I am going to be 30 this next birthday, am I putting a little more thought into things...maybe just simply because of where I am spiritually in my journey. Perhaps just a combo of the two. I have been feeling like I am shown to myself, in pieces, as if broken, but more like those tangram pieces that they give you in math class and can make many different shapes by putting them together. I sort of feel like I am looking at myself in bits and pieces and trying to figure out the picture it should make. Feeling like I want to change the shape and picture of myself, but not truly knowing how to do it without slipping back into old habits and just letting the former shape fill the places out of familiarity. I am thinking that I need to start with one piece at a time, the foundation. Well, that seems like the easy one, God. Hmmm, easier said than done...do I do everything God asks of me? In my own limited and simple capabilities, like a child still learning? Yes. In the way I know in my heart and mind to be the entirety of my ability? No. There is that fine line there, where one starts and the other stops, is a mystery, but perhaps one day I can fulfill the merging of the two, the bringing together of the physical self and motivation with the heart and mind. That maybe my capabilities can serve the heart and mind in God,...well there is a blasted novel idea! Is there a right way for us to come to God? Is there a right way for us to grow in God? This is what I figure...we are given tools, from God, to come to Him, to lay down ourselves and take up our crosses to follow Him. If God was truly standing before me, in the figure of Christ the Man, what would I do? Well, honestly I don't know, but I would hope that I would fall down and ask forgiveness. Why is it that it is usually during the Great Lent that I find myself better prostrate before God, in heart, mind and body? Perhaps it is God's infinite mercy that we are given things in stages, the feasts throughout the year that bring us the eventuality of His crucifixion after we pass through Great Lent. I know I should rejoice that it does not seem so difficult during the fast of the Nativity, but I know in my heart that it is perhaps a new realization, like levels on my spiritual journey. The real struggle seems to lie in finding and holding onto Christ and God through the holiday season, where Santa and snowmen have become the icons of our country and representatives of Christmas. In a place where it is taboo to even say Merry Christmas anymore for possibly offending someone who does not celebrate it, for Christ's birth or not. Pete sakes! Not to mention, the big fat guy in a suit is the commercialized version of St Nicholas, a REAL man and Bishop of the very early Church and the reason for our stockings being filled secretly in the night (cuz he really did that). We have a way of becoming morphed into the new, societal ways in life through temptation and acting as if it was always that way. Where do I go with that? How do I continue through every year? How do I teach my child Truth, the unwavering Truth of God? I will live it, as we live through each feast of the liturgical year as it was when it happened, to the best of my ability. On Nativity, on Christmas, I will go to church and fellowship and eat with like-minded individuals who are truly rejoicing in the birth of our Saviour as we do every year. I would like to celebrate it with friends and family if it were possible and I will leave that to God's will. I will be saying, joyfully, "Christ is Born!" To which I will get a reply, perhaps with more joy and reverence than my own declaration, "Glorify Him!" So, how do I put my pieces together as they are laid before me? How do I find out the shape of myself without reverting back to MY old habits? Start with God and trust that He will show me the way to Him through the everyday of my life. It may sound simple, but it is an uphill battle. I will hold fast to the teachings and traditions of the Church given to us, to the family and friends (who are really family) who God has given us in His mercy to help us along in our struggles to aid us in our journey, to learn things in a new light, to find myself looking at a picture of myself that is created while I am looking to God for answers because all things are possible through God in His mercy and Love. I will consider this, the turning of a new leaf, the start of my next journey that has been waiting to begin for quite sometime but my spiritual legs needed to be stronger to last the length. These concepts are not particularly new, but I am now feeling strong enough to take on the challenge without taking two steps back each time I try. So the end of this blog is really the beginning of the next step in my life. Here's to remembering and keeping the old along with embracing the new. With all my Love and Faith in Christ our God, until next time.

"Mommy, who is the pirate?"

Yesterday at our time for volunteering at church, Katherine and I were alone for a bit and it has been awhile since that has happened. Petra and Taia were running late and I just figured there was a good reason for it, both for them AND us. Taisia was still asleep and that little dear gets precious little napping as it is and I am glad she slept, very glad! Oh how I remember those days! So Katherine and I went in to say hello to our friendly, familiar Saints found in their same old spots, just waiting for us as if we had never gone. Katherine is up on my hip, big as ever and how she grew so much I will never know. It is so quiet but for the creaking of the boards in our aging floor, not to mention the ticking of the ancient heater. So familiar and nice.
It started out in a normal sort of way when Katherine asked which Saint was which, St Panteleimon, St Sergei, St Xenia and St Nicholas and from there she wanted to know about one across church. She pointed and asked and I thought she was asking about the Royal Martyrs on the wall when she said, "that big one..." So we went across and when we got there she corrected me and directed me to the table of the departed right next to it, the only candle stand that she can reach and does often =) She asked about who are the other women there with the Mother of God and those guys on the other side and such. We discussed it a bit and then she asked me, "Mommy, who is the pirate?" I said, "What pirate?" I am thinking, "What THE....?" She pointed and I saw what she meant...the skull of Adam is at the foot of Christ on the Cross and Christ's blood is flooding down to free Adam. As I have heard it told, the cross was placed above the spot where Adam was buried all those years earlier and that the Earth shook and cracked open and Christ's blood fell on Adam's skull. Firstly, we talked about how that is what it looks like under our skin and that is Adam's skull (she has learned about Adam and Eve in church school so she is at least familiar). Then we talked about how it is so important that we see this, because God became a Man and shed His blood and now Adam didn't have to be in the 'Naughty" place anymore. (In all honesty, how else do you explain hell to a 4 year old, I figure, just words they know...) We talked about how we get to be with God in a special way when we have communion and she said, "because we have God in us...." Just take a minute and think about that. Anyone who has a child will understand when there are times you cannot describe a moment, the precious few moments that we are afforded to see inside of their little heads. I think what surprised me is that I not only had answers for her, but that she had just as many answers for me. We went on to talk about the Apostles and Angels and what it is like in Heaven. She pointed out how lots of the Angels had "poky things" (spears) so we talked about why that is (to be the warriors of Heaven and keep out all the evil angels who have chosen their fate) and how we want to go to Heaven and take the place of one of the fallen angels and sing there with all the ranks of Angels. "Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal!"
I have given it a little thought and I am increasingly glad to have the plethora of Icons in our church. For children, particularly those that don't read, it is so nice to have illustrations of people who have gone before us in our christian family as well as scenes from the Bible. If we are to enter the kingdom of Heaven as a child, what better place to start than searching the faces of our ancestors and re-evaluating the stories of the Bible God has given us for our own Hope and Salvation, especially through eyes of our children. They are such great tools to have in aiding us on our journey. That a child can learn so much and understand more than I can imagine through the depiction on the wall is so beyond my mind. And so it should be. The innocence of a child is known only to God and the child, and throughout our lives we can recapture glimpses of ours that we have lost in the faces and words of a our children, and at times, other peoples kids. We can see our own faults so sweetly held up by the mirror image of our child's face. So much sweetness, so much hope, so much Love! It is THAT love of a child that we should find ourselves magnifying as we turn our hearts to God: pure and loving with total trust. If God gives me enough time, I hope to grow up to be the person my daughter sees when she looks at me. Lord have Mercy on me, a sinner. I look forward to many more lessons about God from my little girl!

To Beef, or not to Beef

Well, lately I have been internally going through deciding whether to become a vegetarian. There are lots of reasons I have been thinking about it, the usual stuff. What it boils down to is that I just do not desire it anymore. I don't want it, not even bacon. It is nearly impossible for me to pick up a piece of meat and eat it. I realize that God says we can have whatever we wish, but it is still one of His creatures that gives its life for us and most of the time we are far from grateful beyond being satiated to a point of despondency...this does not however, apply solely to eating meat. The way we pacify ourselves with our full stomach's and our lack of appreciation. I cannot speak for everyone, only myself and I know I am far from the sort of grateful God would have me be. I could certainly be more grateful if we were dirt poor and had not a penny, but God has seen fit to Bless us beyond our comprehension with food, shelter and church so I am left needing to learn these things in another way. I realize I need to start with myself and if I can ever get to the point where I have that under control, perhaps I will find my next adventure as edifying. My not eating meat feels as if it were planted as a little seed, I watered it and maybe now God is harvesting it...I am not sure if that makes any sense, but I cannot claim the lack of desire to eat meat as mine completely, only with God's help has it come to pass. I have been eating eggs and fish, but even the fish has been tasting less that great. People want to know if it is something that I am going to be implementing in my family, a complete transition into meatlessness for us all. My answer, no. I will not force my husband or child to conform to my lack of taste for meat. It is not for me to decide, they are individuals and can choose for themselves...if at some point they wish to stop, that is fine and if they eat meat forever, that is their prerogative. We may end up having less meat in general because I may not think to make it, but we don't eat a bunch to begin with. Who knows, perhaps at some point I will start again. It makes as much sense to everyone else as it does to me, I just don't want it anymore, it is not appealing. So, just so everyone knows, I think it is official, I am a vegetarian..until firther notice.

The Joy of All Who Sorrow

joy |joi| noun-a feeling of great pleasure and happiness
sorrow |ˈsärō| noun-(a) a feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others (b) the outward expression of grief; lamentation
Perhaps to some this might appear to be a contradiction in terms, to me it is great comfort. The Cathedral which St John spent the rest of his life serving in is named Holy Virgin Joy of All who Sorrow Cathedral and it is a most beautiful place, you cannot help but feel as though you are in the presence of God when you are there, whether there are services or not. So peaceful. So uplifting. A true Joy. When I think about the Theotokos being the Joy of all who Sorrow, I think how very literally it should be taken. I take Joy in her life, her sacrifice and repose.
Her life was spotless, she grew from a child in the temple of our God and did not wish to lose her virginity and so was betrothed to a capable man, far older, but protective that she might remain without knowing a man intimately. To have the Archangel Gabriel appear, even just to see him, is something great and as the messenger of God he delivers this, "Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will concieve in your womb and bring forth a son, and shall call His name Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Highest; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David. And He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of His kingdom there will be no end." -Luke 1:30-33 Of course, since she has never known a man asks how this can be and the Archangel tells her of the Holy Spirit, and He shall be the Son of God and that her cousin has also concieved in her old age and that nothing is impossible for God. To which she replies, "Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word." And the angel departed from her. -Luke 1:38 What life changing moment, how she must have felt, what a large responsiblity and task.
The sacrifice of her Son, although He was not really hers, the child came from her belly, sent from God and she outlived her baby. Just because this child is God does not change that she was His mother. Not only did she outlive her Son, she watched Him be tortured and crucified. I can only imagine what sort of strength it takes to endure something so terrible, beyond words to describe the awful truth of His betrayal and death. It must have taken amazing Faith that this is the will of God and that she was not suffering in vain. Perhaps this why God chose her, that she had such staunch Faith in Him forever, never doubting. At the hour of Christ's death, she was given to John as a mother and so became thus to him and all the brothers and sisters of the Lord. She lived out the rest of her days with His disciples, who cared for her as their mother and she for them as if she was theirs. We are no different, we are a part of that family.
If we are ever having troubles we can look to her in our sorrow and she can be of great joy. To think of all the things that she has been through is of great comfort, that she had such strength to be chosen and fulfill the word of God. I know I am trying and failing miserably to try and explain why this is important to me, but it is. As a mother, I can only imagine my child dying before me, it brings a well of emotion I cannot describe or want to ever experience. I suppose what I am trying to say is that she is a good model of love, strength, perseverence and everything motherly. Whether anyone thinks she is the Saint of all Saints, or a saint at all, she is still a good example. A pillar of Faith and piety, accepting all that God would give her. No matter how I sorrow, I can always look to God for strength and to Mary, for a solid, living example of steadfastness in tribulation and I pray that God helps me to remember this in my times of need.
Much Love, Me

"Let every breath praise the Lord!"

With every breath, I am a sinner. Since I do not thank God with every breath that comes so effortlessly to me in His creation of me. I think this falls into the ceaseless praying, that we should, "Let every breath praise the Lord..." This means a lot more to me now, for some odd reason, okay, so the reason is because God said so, it just seemed non-connective, until now. I am very far behind and who knows if I will ever get there, but I suppose the point is that I try...just as I am a mother and asks that my child always do her best to do what she knows is right, so does God expect that from me, at minimum. Perhaps He will guide my tongue, feet and hands the way He does my heart and I will begin to understand better and do work better for His Glory. Anything good that comes from me, is solely the work of God in His wonder, anything not so good is the works of my Pride giving into temptation and going against the will of God. The reason saints are so important to us all, is simply for the fact that they have broken the spell, so to speak, that Satan has over us all. We start with Pride and the rest just falls into place without much effort. The Evil One is the sort that says, "If I go down, I am taking you with me..." and so he has done in The Fall, but since Christ has come we do not have to be with Lucifer anymore, we choose with every breath which path we will take, will we fall by the wayside and passively (or intentionally) accept Satan and fall prey to his ways, or will we take up our cross and follow Him into the trenches to fight against that which would tempt us away from Him, with His help. I am finding a renewed strength to take up my cross, God is good and I want Him, not this world, since we cannot have both and the soul is immortal. I do live in this world and so must figure out how to keep my heart turned toward God while I still function and go through each day, trying to do that which is to God's Glory. As my mom has said to me before, Orthodoxy is not about perfection, it is about falling down and getting back up each time. That we fall and ask for God to help us, that we realise that we need more than what we can offer ourselves and most importantly, seek it.
I thin kthat is a good place to start. Love to everyone, in His name, me