The Way

The way is not shut
Still I refuse
Standing there
Looking there
Feeling the warmth

The way is so straight
So sure
Precise and unwavering
I stumble and trip
I fumble back up

The way smells so sweet
Like a field full of flowers
Giant
Fragrant
Ever-blooming flowers

The way is so light
Full of clarity
Life
Love
Peacefulness

The way is so solid
Strong
My flesh is so weak
Temptations
Frustrations

The way is everything
But I still ask for
More
As if there is something
I do not have

The way is so simple
Oar in the water
I push against the flow
Harder than I try
To save myself...

The way is all-knowing
I still want to hide
Crawl into bed
Take a rest from it
All...

The way is so good
Full with love
Forgiveness
and
Hope

Yes, the way is Hope
I still have hope
As I hold it
I look around
I see the straight
strong
narrow path

The way holds my Hope
I see it all so clearly
When I fall
And in this Hope
Faith
Love
...Comfort

The way is not shut
I wish to enter
Chin up and dusted off
I hold out my hand
Will you come with me
My love...

Two Banquets

Misha, this is for you!

A sermon by St John of Shanghai and San Francisco

Homily on the Two Banquets

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Today's Gospel's readings present before us a mental image of two banquets. One banquet, described in the parable, was arranged by a king full of benevolence and mercy. When, however, the banquet was ready, those invited did not come. They preferred to occupy themselves--one with buying, another with his domestic affairs; others seized and insulted those who were sent to call them and even killed some of them. The incensed king, having severely punished the guilty, again sent forth his servants-to invite to the banquet whomever they should meet. Many gathered, and when the king came to see them, he noticed one who was not in proper festive attire. The king asked why it was he had not come suitably dressed. The man was silent, indicating disdain for the king and a lack of desire to participate in the festivities, and for this reason he was made to leave. And so, at this banquet there were many who had been called but few turned out to be chosen, who took part in the supper.

The other banquet belonged not to a parable but to reality. It was a banquet of the iniquitous Herod. It seems that in this case none of those invited refused to come, all were dressed as befitted the occasion, and they enjoyed themselves immensely. The evening passed in drunkenness, in revelry uninhibited by shame or conscience, and it concluded with a monstrous crime, the murder of John the Baptist.

These two banquets are images of two ways of life, two kinds of enjoyment. The first is an image of the spiritual banquet, of spiritual enjoyment. It is arranged by the Lord. This is the banquet of Christ's Church. We are invited to this banquet when we are called to participate in the Divine services, especially the Divine Liturgy and the Communion of the Divine Body and Blood of Christ; when we are called to good works, to vigilance and to sobriety. We refuse to go to that banquet when we do not go to church services, when instead of good we do evil, when we prefer life's cares and pleasures to godly life. We come without a wedding garment when we bring an alien, sinful disposition into that life. Each of us is invited to that banquet many times a day, and we refuse each time we prefer what it carnal and sinful to what is spiritual and divine.

Every day we are likewise invited to Herod's banquet. Often we do not immediately realize that we are being tempted by evil. Sin always begins with a small thing. Herod at first even delighted in listening to John the Baptist; inwardly he realized the sinfulness of his conduct, but he did not war against sin and he ended up murdering the great Saint. We go to Herod's sordid banquet each time instead of good we choose carnal, sinful pleasures and hardheartedness; each time we choose to disregard our souls and so forth.

Once having begun with what appears small or trivial, it is difficult to stop, and if afterwards we do not catch ourselves in time and do not forcefully take ourselves in hand, we can fall into grave sins and crimes, for which eternal torments await us.

Even now John the Baptist calls to each of us: Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand. Repent, in order to enjoy the supper of the Lamb, slain for the sins of the whole world, in the bright, eternal mansions, and not to share with the devil the banquet of malice and torment in Tartarus (in the nether regions) and outer darkness.

Archbishop Andrei (Rymarenko) of Blessed Memory adds: From this Sunday of the Holy Fathers begins a new cycle of preparation for the Birth of Christ. This is the beginning of a new life. From the manger, the light of Christ will shine on us. And in this light will be the warmth of our adoption by God. At the manger we will feel like one family.

It is the same in nature. During the whole winter there was light, but no warmth. But from the moment of Christmas, our earth will turn toward the sun and will begin to experience the life-giving warmth which in the spring will produce greenery, flowers, and fruit. So it is in our spiritual nature. Something wonderful happens every year at the manger of Christ. We all begin to feel like brothers and sisters, children of one Father. And these are not just words, but reality. Love becomes manifest. There is a desire to gladden one another, to help, and to love.

And again this year, from the manger of Christ our new ways will begin: family, monastic, social, domestic, business. But all of them will guide us to one goal--to the Kingdom of God, to the communion with God, to the Lord's Feast.

So let us not forget our dignity, our calling, that we are invited to the Lord's Feast. And let us spend our temporary life as pilgrims, proceeding on the paths that will bring us to the Heavenly Jerusalem, where there will be "the ceaseless sound of those keeping festival."

And then we will become not only those who are called, but those who are chosen.

Amen

Father Michael went on to remind that in order that we be 'chosen', we must first choose God.

Well, there ya go...Misha, I typed it all up with Jay's dictation =) Hope you all like it as much as I did!

Yes, Virginia, He does exist!

St Nicholas Day is almost upon us, for those of us still observing the Julian calendar, and I have been thinking about what he means to me and my family through the years. When I was growing up, we set our stockings, without fail, on the eve of the feast in remembrance of the famous story of his involving the poor man and his 3 daughters. We were usually poor, but we never really knew how poor because he always came. Through the love of Christ that flowed from St Nicholas all those centuries ago, we could celebrate together the gift of giving. Through all the generations of peoples who have given in the example of St Nicholas, in Christ's good name, there is a place in my heart that will always be soft.

We did not have much money growing up, but he always came. We got older and knew that mom and dad filled the stockings with tangerine's and nuts, little gifts and candies, we thought we were too old, but he always came. It means more to me in my heart than a lot of memories. Just because we knew that it was mom and dad, or that we would always get the same things (in general) it never stopped him coming.

We see God's love and kindness through our saints of the church, the promise that we too can be like Him, that we can show love and mercy all the year through by the examples we have been shown. First, through Christ and now passed down through generations of apostles, martyrs, wonder-workers, evangelists, and many saints of the Church to us in the christian family, that we can keep the family traditions going: Love, Mercy, Kindness, Giving, Caring, Sharing and so on down the list.

Sometimes we do not understand our gifts until we have had them awhile, but they are the one's worth keeping and cherishing for times beyond our reckoning. These are the times that seem to stop us and recall those moments we knew we'd never forget, or thought would never mean so much to us...and we smile. To all our 'gift's, our friends, our families and things only known in our hearts and souls, we are grateful to have you, now and always.

I wish you could all be here on friday when we have a little party of our own to be thankful to God that we have so much in this bleak world, on the feast of St Nicholas: Holy Father, wonder-worker, bishop and grandfather for us all! How great is the example of your alms-giving and true Christian love that we have cause to celebrate your feast and give thanks to God for all that is within this world, and those things of which we can only dream...for now.

Much love to everyone...

Glory to God in the Highest
and on earth
Peace
Goodwill amoung men!

A thought

I was thinking lately about something...well, I have been chewing it over for quite some time, it is recent that it just won't leave me alone. So, here it is: What good is the health of a body, when the soul is already sick with sin and scathes the depths of hell in worldly mortality and passions?

If the illness my body feels at times is seemingly unbearable, so much the more does my soul wallow without cleansing the longer between confession and communion. How much more does my soul taste the extent of hell and become accustomed to its smells and flavor through my everyday passions? Ought not I seek the Heavenly physician for healing of soul and body? The medicine for the soul is the Church, with the Mysteries of confession and communion and yet, we partake rarely in most cases. When my body is sick, do I not take measures to get myself well? If fact, I do what it is I can to give myself the illusion that I am well enough to do whatever is on my plate at the time. Could this be why we also tend to do the same shabby caretaking of our souls? We do what it takes in recognition of our daily sinfulness to the point of tolerance and then move on, is that it? Rationalize away our actual purpose, to reconcile with our God and Saviour on a very regular basis?

I also think about how, when we are ill, it is not for nothing..of course, nothing is for naught whether it is the allowable will of God or His intention will. Sometimes when I am sick, it is usually because I need to slow down and let things go a little bit, have patience and remember the will and mercy of God. There is great purpose in everything, even if we, in our worldliness cannot recognise it at the time. When I am sick in my flesh, I want desperately to be well, but somehow, that same yearning is missing in everyday accountability of my faults, my falling short. How sick does my soul need to get before I take seriously the necessity and gravity of the importance of my salvation and the part that I play in it? There is no one who can list my sins so well as I, no one more qualified to tell the doctor what pains my aching soul.

All with God's help...He is patient, He is kind and He knows my strength and weakness better than I. He gives me opportunity through loving lessons and compassionate scoldings. He knows how to allow me to strive for my salvation and realize what it is I may miss if I let even one step stray from the narrow path that is Truth. Nothing will ever be more True than God, nor will there be anything less desirable to so many people than His simple Truth. Through faith and love do I follow...I am not forlorn as some may think of me, I am just where I ought to be, just where He has led me, willing or not ;o) I am happy here.

The illness of my soul can only be reflected in the illness of my body at the proper times, through God's great mercy. He brings together families through illness, He gives us the opportunity to see ourselves better and to strive for our salvation, whether we know it or not. The soul is always searching for God, our Father and Truth of eternity. He offers us strength through our weakness and does not ever forsake us, it is we who turn our face from the love of God. If ever He allows some such disaster or death upon us, it is for our own well being. Do we not remember our mortality and God the better when we are distressed? Of course we do! That is why so many people blame Him for everything, our selfish will places blame on the only One who can save and love us without any constraint or condition. There will always be those people who will never believe, that will not change, but for a vast majority, we will never know the hour a persons heart turns toward God and He will draw them near in infinite mercy and love.

Glory to God for ALL things! (not just the stuff we want or like)

Well, that's it...for now.

Most Recent Jay News

Settling into December...
We have recently been given guidelines for better caring for Jay's health along with the recent bits of additions from the 'new' neurologist. They are as follows:
1. His nutrition is on track and super strict with absolute need to stay on schedule for all his supplements and protein, etc, and we have to remember that he is very ill.

2. In light of being very ill, he is not allowed to 'go out' on crummy feeling days and ONLY up to 45 minutes on his good days. We are allowed to have friends and family come over at any time that we would like, but leaving the house is to much stimulus and needs to be cut back. Friends/family can come get us/him for small outings, but they need to be kept short. (Something that WE need to remember also...)

3. We will be able to make church trips as often as his health allows, it is a bit longer than the allotted outings, but necessary for his overall well-being.

4. Proper rest is crucial to keep his improvement coming as well as keeping headaches away.

Sorry to be such a bummer, but this month and more are going to be the most important. His next appointments are right after Nativity, Jan 7 N.S. (Dec 25 O.S.) and we will have an update as to how things are going. Until then, we have to stick with it =)
Well, that about covers it for now, love to everyone! Thanks for all the love, prayers and support!

A Little Something

Just wanted to share a little something that means a lot to me...not sure if I have shared it before, but never hurts to put it out there again.

Prayer of the Optina Elders:

Grant unto me, my Lord, that with peace of mind I may face all that this new day is to bring.

Grant unto me Grace to surrender myself completely to Thy Holy Will.

For every hour of this day instruct and prepare me in all things.

Whatsoever tidings I may receive during the day, do Thou teach me to accept tranquilly, in the firm conviction that all eventualities fulfill Thy Holy Will.

Govern Thou my thoughts and feelings in all I do and say.

When unforeseen things occur, let me not forget that all cometh from Thee.

Teach me to behave sincerely and reasonably toward every member of my family, that I may bring them no confusion or sorrow.

Bestow upon me, my Lord, strength to endure the fatigue of the day, and to bear my part in all its passing events.

Guide Thou my will and teach me to pray, to believe, to hope, to suffer, to forgive and to love.

Amen.

Well, here we are...

Today begins the Nativity Fast, november 15, O.S. This is a very different one this year...I am never really sure what to expect, but this time last year if you'd have told me that Jay would be ill, on short term disability and we would not be driving anywhere, I would have been in complete disbelief. Now that we are here I can appreciate the road by which we came. It is a friday like any friday...or is it? There is something that sort of has a shift as we approach and then enter into any fast...I am preparing myself for a bit more soul searching (as if these past months have not afforded that through these ups and downs). It is hard to describe what is floating around in my head and heart, trying to escape, but for lack of words, there is not much more than a peep or a smile.

I am reading a book right now that is called, Reflections of a Humble Heart, by a 15th century text from writings of a certain monk, Basil. I rather like it, only about 99 pgs and will prove a quick read, I think, but will be a good start this fast. I am finding more joy in reading than I have in the past. I was labeled a 'slow' reader as a kid because I got involved in the details so much, so I never really learned to love books the way I should have because there was always a time limit on how long we were allowed to enjoy them :) That was a mouthful! Anyway, I am also reading mostly all non-fiction and maybe that has something to do with it, which I had never imagined...maybe I am just a non-fiction sort of person, huh...

Katherine and I made an Advent Wreath for the fast...on each of the sundays preceding the Nativity we light a candle, have Bible reading, discussion and a little prayer. Each of the candles is a different color (or white with a particular color ribbon on each) that represents something very specific and is a part of the discussion. Our wreath has tracings of Katherine's hand on felt, cut out in mostly green and a little red. I have yet to come across just what I am looking for the candle aspect of this thing and I only have until sunday evening! I hope to find a little something soon, everything seems either too big or too small...hopefully I will have more success in the VERY near future.

Been trying to stay on schedule lately and that seems to be helping...taking my vitamins, getting enough protein throughout the day, taking time all by myself to regenerate so I can be more useful as a wife and mommy. Knitting, always...trying to get Katherine's sweater done for her in about a week so I can give it to her for her name day, I really hope she likes it. I think I can manage...I am done with the back and front pieces and halfway through one sleeve and only have the other sleeve and stitching together left...I am feeling it in my hands a little though, probably should take a bit extra calcium, speaking of vitamins...;o)

Well, I ought to get off to bed here...up past my bedtime as it is. I will leave you with a little quote from my new book:

"...monks in ancient times, when they met one another along the road, greeted one another in the following manner:
One would ask, "Brother, how goes your work of your salvation?"
To which the other replied, "By your holy prayers, father."
Truly, we have need of spiritual strengthening from one another, because our path is difficult and it is easy to perish." -Reflections of Humble Heart, pgs 22-23.