Random Clarity

This morning I walked out the door with my knitting tote, off to my first sit and knit with a group of ladies who knit/crochet for charitable causes at the library for 2 hours...well, I was running late, more like 1.5 today. As I left, I rounded our corner and Katherine had run to tap on the window for one last air kiss, wave and smile. At that moment I imagined to myself, her, years from now writing that book I have never gotten around to writing. I imagined the narrative as this, "My mother was always knitting something, or going somewhere to knit with other knitter's..." Then, it struck me! those sorts of books don't really get written any more...which then inspired this thought:

We are losing our craft. (I know, bear with me).

Knitting and other things of the like are on the list (yes, they actually made a list) of things that are stress relief. We have all kinds of people who depend on substances, anti-depressants, drugs, other people, t.v., and so on to take us out of this world into a plane of numbness and oppression. We are oppressing ourselves with our own self-medicating, whether substance or technological or career.

You may say..."What in the world is she talking about?!?!?!" I will tell you...if we spent more time WITH each other instead of apart so much to have the things we want but never get to actually HAVE each other; if we would spent more time creating with our gifts and talents those things which help us to grow and cope and most importantly, love, instead of working so hard to keep what we never really had in the first place; if we really paid attention to what was going on...in our lives, in our families, in our hearts, might we not discover the world for which we have been searching? Might we not find that which we seek and then some?

The more we look, are we not let down for want of searching for something that has already been known from eternity? I think the hardest thing for any of us to ever learn to do is to let go, simple as that. Let go of the falsehoods and follow Truth; let go of insecurities and allow love in; let go of ourselves and let our neighbor be important; let go of our pain and let the tears baptise and cleanse us into newness; let go of pride and let ourselves to feel, to learn; let go of who we think we are and just...be.

What does all this have to do with knitting, you say? This is what this means to me...when I knit, my hands are not idle, I am creating, for once in this world, I can really create something useful over and over again. If I can do nothing of use to the Glory of God but this, I knit. I knit to try to be more humble and selfless. I knit to learn discipline and patience. I knit to finish what I have started, even if it drives me nuts. I knit to persevere and struggle. I can only hope that the intention behind it all will somehow take root in my daughter, sweet as she is and find her craft that can bring her virtues for which to struggle to attain. All this from a craft.

Reflections of a Humble Heart

A selection from the book that I have read, but can't seem to stop thinking about. =)

"Indeed, the devil dealt the human race a terrible blow. And we? we did not even resist, and we lost paradise, and joy, and immortality. Without a fight we ceded to the enemy all of our fortresses. But in war it is not the first battle that determines the outcome. Has it not happened frequently in history that nations and great armies have suffered defeats and losses, and have remained without military equipment, have retreated, and, in general, have endured deprivation, suffering, losses, and dishonor? Nevertheless, experienced generals did not allow themselves to despair but continued the war and, in spite of all the defeats they had previously suffered, they suddenly dealt the enemy a decisive blow and ultimately emerged victorious.

So, too, brother, do not doubt your victory. If you continue the struggle and do not throw down your weapons and run off the field of battle, but rather, regardless of all your previous defeats, if you hold fast the shield of faith, and keep your helmet of salvation on your head and do not let go of the sword of the spirit, i.e., the word of God (Eph. 6:16-17), then you will gain the victory and the trophy will be yours. There is Someone who will be fighting alongside you, and, if you really want to know, He has already conquered your enemy--who is also His enemy. God Himself is with you; He is your Countryman, your Defender, your--all. With His name, with hope in Him and with love towards Him, go and fight. If you get wounded, that is, if you sin in one way or another--inasmuch as the fight is not an easy one and the enemy is skilled at delivering blows--do not despond, because for a Christian no wound can be mortal. Come to the frontline hospital, i.e., to the Church, and here repent of your sins and weaknesses, and your wounds will straightway be healed. The arrow of sin that wounded you is taken out and already the wound is no more. Go then back into battle with the enemy. See here, the enemy has struck your sword from your hand; that is to say, he has thrown you into a state of spiritual weakness through misfortunes, griefs and anxieties, which have disarmed you, as it were. Bow down humbly before the will of God, bend down and pick up your arms, reproach yourself for your faintheartedness and repel the enemy's attack. If you act in this way, you will emerge victorious, and as victor, you will be crowned.

O Christian, you are a soldier of Christ in this life and you are called not to a peaceful and ordinary, tranquil existence, but to war, to a fierce war. If you are victorious in this war, you will enjoy peace, honor, and happiness in the age to come."


Let us not forget with whom we are fighting, where our anger should lie, and the focus and purpose of our struggles as Christians here on earth. Our anger only for the evil one and how easily he distracts us and at ourselves for so simply being shown falsehood as reality...our fight, against him that is the deceiver who continues to lead us falsely through our own weaknesses...our love, for all that is Him and from Him, let us fight to keep the love that we learn and emulate in His name...

Peace be unto you...

The Way

The way is not shut
Still I refuse
Standing there
Looking there
Feeling the warmth

The way is so straight
So sure
Precise and unwavering
I stumble and trip
I fumble back up

The way smells so sweet
Like a field full of flowers
Giant
Fragrant
Ever-blooming flowers

The way is so light
Full of clarity
Life
Love
Peacefulness

The way is so solid
Strong
My flesh is so weak
Temptations
Frustrations

The way is everything
But I still ask for
More
As if there is something
I do not have

The way is so simple
Oar in the water
I push against the flow
Harder than I try
To save myself...

The way is all-knowing
I still want to hide
Crawl into bed
Take a rest from it
All...

The way is so good
Full with love
Forgiveness
and
Hope

Yes, the way is Hope
I still have hope
As I hold it
I look around
I see the straight
strong
narrow path

The way holds my Hope
I see it all so clearly
When I fall
And in this Hope
Faith
Love
...Comfort

The way is not shut
I wish to enter
Chin up and dusted off
I hold out my hand
Will you come with me
My love...

Two Banquets

Misha, this is for you!

A sermon by St John of Shanghai and San Francisco

Homily on the Two Banquets

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Today's Gospel's readings present before us a mental image of two banquets. One banquet, described in the parable, was arranged by a king full of benevolence and mercy. When, however, the banquet was ready, those invited did not come. They preferred to occupy themselves--one with buying, another with his domestic affairs; others seized and insulted those who were sent to call them and even killed some of them. The incensed king, having severely punished the guilty, again sent forth his servants-to invite to the banquet whomever they should meet. Many gathered, and when the king came to see them, he noticed one who was not in proper festive attire. The king asked why it was he had not come suitably dressed. The man was silent, indicating disdain for the king and a lack of desire to participate in the festivities, and for this reason he was made to leave. And so, at this banquet there were many who had been called but few turned out to be chosen, who took part in the supper.

The other banquet belonged not to a parable but to reality. It was a banquet of the iniquitous Herod. It seems that in this case none of those invited refused to come, all were dressed as befitted the occasion, and they enjoyed themselves immensely. The evening passed in drunkenness, in revelry uninhibited by shame or conscience, and it concluded with a monstrous crime, the murder of John the Baptist.

These two banquets are images of two ways of life, two kinds of enjoyment. The first is an image of the spiritual banquet, of spiritual enjoyment. It is arranged by the Lord. This is the banquet of Christ's Church. We are invited to this banquet when we are called to participate in the Divine services, especially the Divine Liturgy and the Communion of the Divine Body and Blood of Christ; when we are called to good works, to vigilance and to sobriety. We refuse to go to that banquet when we do not go to church services, when instead of good we do evil, when we prefer life's cares and pleasures to godly life. We come without a wedding garment when we bring an alien, sinful disposition into that life. Each of us is invited to that banquet many times a day, and we refuse each time we prefer what it carnal and sinful to what is spiritual and divine.

Every day we are likewise invited to Herod's banquet. Often we do not immediately realize that we are being tempted by evil. Sin always begins with a small thing. Herod at first even delighted in listening to John the Baptist; inwardly he realized the sinfulness of his conduct, but he did not war against sin and he ended up murdering the great Saint. We go to Herod's sordid banquet each time instead of good we choose carnal, sinful pleasures and hardheartedness; each time we choose to disregard our souls and so forth.

Once having begun with what appears small or trivial, it is difficult to stop, and if afterwards we do not catch ourselves in time and do not forcefully take ourselves in hand, we can fall into grave sins and crimes, for which eternal torments await us.

Even now John the Baptist calls to each of us: Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand. Repent, in order to enjoy the supper of the Lamb, slain for the sins of the whole world, in the bright, eternal mansions, and not to share with the devil the banquet of malice and torment in Tartarus (in the nether regions) and outer darkness.

Archbishop Andrei (Rymarenko) of Blessed Memory adds: From this Sunday of the Holy Fathers begins a new cycle of preparation for the Birth of Christ. This is the beginning of a new life. From the manger, the light of Christ will shine on us. And in this light will be the warmth of our adoption by God. At the manger we will feel like one family.

It is the same in nature. During the whole winter there was light, but no warmth. But from the moment of Christmas, our earth will turn toward the sun and will begin to experience the life-giving warmth which in the spring will produce greenery, flowers, and fruit. So it is in our spiritual nature. Something wonderful happens every year at the manger of Christ. We all begin to feel like brothers and sisters, children of one Father. And these are not just words, but reality. Love becomes manifest. There is a desire to gladden one another, to help, and to love.

And again this year, from the manger of Christ our new ways will begin: family, monastic, social, domestic, business. But all of them will guide us to one goal--to the Kingdom of God, to the communion with God, to the Lord's Feast.

So let us not forget our dignity, our calling, that we are invited to the Lord's Feast. And let us spend our temporary life as pilgrims, proceeding on the paths that will bring us to the Heavenly Jerusalem, where there will be "the ceaseless sound of those keeping festival."

And then we will become not only those who are called, but those who are chosen.

Amen

Father Michael went on to remind that in order that we be 'chosen', we must first choose God.

Well, there ya go...Misha, I typed it all up with Jay's dictation =) Hope you all like it as much as I did!

Yes, Virginia, He does exist!

St Nicholas Day is almost upon us, for those of us still observing the Julian calendar, and I have been thinking about what he means to me and my family through the years. When I was growing up, we set our stockings, without fail, on the eve of the feast in remembrance of the famous story of his involving the poor man and his 3 daughters. We were usually poor, but we never really knew how poor because he always came. Through the love of Christ that flowed from St Nicholas all those centuries ago, we could celebrate together the gift of giving. Through all the generations of peoples who have given in the example of St Nicholas, in Christ's good name, there is a place in my heart that will always be soft.

We did not have much money growing up, but he always came. We got older and knew that mom and dad filled the stockings with tangerine's and nuts, little gifts and candies, we thought we were too old, but he always came. It means more to me in my heart than a lot of memories. Just because we knew that it was mom and dad, or that we would always get the same things (in general) it never stopped him coming.

We see God's love and kindness through our saints of the church, the promise that we too can be like Him, that we can show love and mercy all the year through by the examples we have been shown. First, through Christ and now passed down through generations of apostles, martyrs, wonder-workers, evangelists, and many saints of the Church to us in the christian family, that we can keep the family traditions going: Love, Mercy, Kindness, Giving, Caring, Sharing and so on down the list.

Sometimes we do not understand our gifts until we have had them awhile, but they are the one's worth keeping and cherishing for times beyond our reckoning. These are the times that seem to stop us and recall those moments we knew we'd never forget, or thought would never mean so much to us...and we smile. To all our 'gift's, our friends, our families and things only known in our hearts and souls, we are grateful to have you, now and always.

I wish you could all be here on friday when we have a little party of our own to be thankful to God that we have so much in this bleak world, on the feast of St Nicholas: Holy Father, wonder-worker, bishop and grandfather for us all! How great is the example of your alms-giving and true Christian love that we have cause to celebrate your feast and give thanks to God for all that is within this world, and those things of which we can only dream...for now.

Much love to everyone...

Glory to God in the Highest
and on earth
Peace
Goodwill amoung men!

A thought

I was thinking lately about something...well, I have been chewing it over for quite some time, it is recent that it just won't leave me alone. So, here it is: What good is the health of a body, when the soul is already sick with sin and scathes the depths of hell in worldly mortality and passions?

If the illness my body feels at times is seemingly unbearable, so much the more does my soul wallow without cleansing the longer between confession and communion. How much more does my soul taste the extent of hell and become accustomed to its smells and flavor through my everyday passions? Ought not I seek the Heavenly physician for healing of soul and body? The medicine for the soul is the Church, with the Mysteries of confession and communion and yet, we partake rarely in most cases. When my body is sick, do I not take measures to get myself well? If fact, I do what it is I can to give myself the illusion that I am well enough to do whatever is on my plate at the time. Could this be why we also tend to do the same shabby caretaking of our souls? We do what it takes in recognition of our daily sinfulness to the point of tolerance and then move on, is that it? Rationalize away our actual purpose, to reconcile with our God and Saviour on a very regular basis?

I also think about how, when we are ill, it is not for nothing..of course, nothing is for naught whether it is the allowable will of God or His intention will. Sometimes when I am sick, it is usually because I need to slow down and let things go a little bit, have patience and remember the will and mercy of God. There is great purpose in everything, even if we, in our worldliness cannot recognise it at the time. When I am sick in my flesh, I want desperately to be well, but somehow, that same yearning is missing in everyday accountability of my faults, my falling short. How sick does my soul need to get before I take seriously the necessity and gravity of the importance of my salvation and the part that I play in it? There is no one who can list my sins so well as I, no one more qualified to tell the doctor what pains my aching soul.

All with God's help...He is patient, He is kind and He knows my strength and weakness better than I. He gives me opportunity through loving lessons and compassionate scoldings. He knows how to allow me to strive for my salvation and realize what it is I may miss if I let even one step stray from the narrow path that is Truth. Nothing will ever be more True than God, nor will there be anything less desirable to so many people than His simple Truth. Through faith and love do I follow...I am not forlorn as some may think of me, I am just where I ought to be, just where He has led me, willing or not ;o) I am happy here.

The illness of my soul can only be reflected in the illness of my body at the proper times, through God's great mercy. He brings together families through illness, He gives us the opportunity to see ourselves better and to strive for our salvation, whether we know it or not. The soul is always searching for God, our Father and Truth of eternity. He offers us strength through our weakness and does not ever forsake us, it is we who turn our face from the love of God. If ever He allows some such disaster or death upon us, it is for our own well being. Do we not remember our mortality and God the better when we are distressed? Of course we do! That is why so many people blame Him for everything, our selfish will places blame on the only One who can save and love us without any constraint or condition. There will always be those people who will never believe, that will not change, but for a vast majority, we will never know the hour a persons heart turns toward God and He will draw them near in infinite mercy and love.

Glory to God for ALL things! (not just the stuff we want or like)

Well, that's it...for now.

Most Recent Jay News

Settling into December...
We have recently been given guidelines for better caring for Jay's health along with the recent bits of additions from the 'new' neurologist. They are as follows:
1. His nutrition is on track and super strict with absolute need to stay on schedule for all his supplements and protein, etc, and we have to remember that he is very ill.

2. In light of being very ill, he is not allowed to 'go out' on crummy feeling days and ONLY up to 45 minutes on his good days. We are allowed to have friends and family come over at any time that we would like, but leaving the house is to much stimulus and needs to be cut back. Friends/family can come get us/him for small outings, but they need to be kept short. (Something that WE need to remember also...)

3. We will be able to make church trips as often as his health allows, it is a bit longer than the allotted outings, but necessary for his overall well-being.

4. Proper rest is crucial to keep his improvement coming as well as keeping headaches away.

Sorry to be such a bummer, but this month and more are going to be the most important. His next appointments are right after Nativity, Jan 7 N.S. (Dec 25 O.S.) and we will have an update as to how things are going. Until then, we have to stick with it =)
Well, that about covers it for now, love to everyone! Thanks for all the love, prayers and support!