THe Baptism of Pelagia, a God-mother's account and musing

Everything is sort of a blur, and I am here sitting and thinking about my God-motherhood. I remember being spurred on to say the trisagion prayers for the churching and then bundling the little darling in a blanket to begin the prayers and baptism. I held her there as Katherine wandered over next to me, meeting this task and adventure with a family, not just a 'mother', to represent. A few little whispers and kisses, prayer after prayer and confession of faith, a little anointing...off to be unwrapped and be immersed into the tomb of Christ thrice. Out she came, so soft and warm. Getting dressed was not welcome at first, but she gave in after a minute. More prayers and a procession around the church, a little more of this and that, then it is over. WHOOSH, and so it begins, a life in Christ.

I awoke this morning in anticipation of taking her to her first communion and being able to commune myself, God help us get there in a reasonable time so I can sing, Palm Sunday is not a day to get lost in the crowds if a person can help it! Well, enough on that...Fr Boris came out to finish 'churching' just before communion, the servant of God, Pelagia...tiny and angelic in her little white gown and bonnet. Her stiff arms outstretched as if reaching for God. As she was lifted up, "in the name of the Father" and her small crown of white bonnet is the top of the sign of the cross, I imagine to myself she is being lifted up to God the Father, in Heaven..."and of the Son," her feet dip down and make the bottom of the sign of the cross and I think of how Christ came down, into this earthly world to save us..."and of the Holy Spirit, Amen." Her bitty reaching arms and hands go side to side to complete the sign of the cross and I envision between God the Father at the top and God the Son at the bottom and then God the Holy Spirit which is everywhere and fillest all things in between. I cannot truly describe it all, but she was like a little angel and so darling. She was first to commune as per tradition and partially woke to receive and get back to sleep, no fuss.

She is my fourth God-child and they are all girls (maybe God is trying to tell me something). I have more children through God's Grace than my own will, and I am grateful, even if 80% are spiritual daughters. If I could not have anymore just yet, or even ever, I will always have my girls. I love them all dearly and each has a special place in my heart. I find this task bittersweet, a challenge and a blessing, a sort of podvig. One of the greatest benefits, I think, is learning how to truly pray, for that is what I think will come of it all. They are not of my blood, it seems easier to pray for those of my own line, but they are a part of me and so the greatest gift I hope to offer for each of them is a heart of a mother that is offered to God in prayers of love and hope. If prayer is love and vice versa, perhaps I will stumble upon that as well. I have learned a lot from being mother to Katherine and I have the opportunity to use some of what I have learned to give to my other girls. So, to Sara and Elena, Talia and, now, Pelagia, I love you all dearly and hope to live up to the expectation of my duty, Kuma is so happy to be a part of your lives, hugs and kisses always...May God bless you all the days of your lives.

Thought and Reading

We have been reading a lot during these last couple weeks. As a family, we have finished the first 'Little House' book and started into the next. Katherine absolutely LOVES them and we spend a great deal of time reading and hanging out together, which never would have been the case right now had Jay not gotten so sick causing him to still be at home. Our other readings are the Bible, our routine readings that include the daily readings and our own selections.

I have enjoyed reading in Genesis lately. I find myself thinking about how there is reference to how men are the sons of God and women are the daughter's of men. Now, if you think of it just as it is as I have stated, it only stands to reason that it is particularly sexist and that it does not include us all as children of the Almighty. If you read it in context, and I mean start from the beginning and get there, it really makes more sense than it gives way. You see, God made 'man' from the earth, dirt...woman was made from Adam's flesh. It only stands to reason that men, who were born of God and earth, would be sons of God and women, being born of Adam's rib as he slept, as a gift from God, should be referred to as the daughter's of men, for we have sprung forth from his flesh. It also brings into light, our union in marriage, we become one flesh again, we are no longer our own persons, but one. The rib is joined back to the body of Adam and we can begin to work symbiotically toward our eternity, together in oneness and unity. We are two halves of the same whole, we each have a share in our eventual eternity whether or not we work together. Just something to ponder...

I have been reading a little in a couple books: Dorotheos of Gaza: Discourses and Sayings, Elder Macarius of Optina and The Spiritual Psalter. I like them all very much, the one that has my most attention is the Psalter...I will one of my most recent favorite portions:

"Third Stasis, #117: Life's lessons-eight evil thoughts

Know that there are eight evil thoughts that bring about all that is vile: those of sensuality, lechery, love of money, anger, inappropriate grief, despondency, vainglory, and pride. All these conduct warfare with every man."

Here it goes on about each in turn, but here is the one that I like best...

"...If you want to conquer pride, then whatever you do, say not that you do it by your own labors, or with your own strength. But if you fast and stand vigil or sleep on bare ground or sing psalms, or serve in the altar or do a great number of prostrations, say that it was done with God's help and protection, not by your own strength and effort."

Well, off to have lunch withe little family...and I am sure some of you are wondering, the answer is, yes, I am knitting almost daily too =)

Here we are again

Well, here we are. Forgiveness Sunday, Great Lent...this year is a particularly interesting one for so many reasons. There is not a lot for me to say, I would not have the words if I tried, but we are here. The lenten cusp, what will there be? There is not much difference between great lent and other times of the year, we are just trying harder, we want to come to the feast as clean as possible, difficult as that may be at times. Here is what I am thinking about...
-I plan to be offline during the week days and have minimal use on weekends.
-I hope to find a chapter book to read as a family in the evenings to increase family togetherness and such.
-Find a better routine for cleaning around this joint since we are pretty settled into Jay being home.
-Spend less time idly and more time being productive and proactive.
-Read through all the Psalms at about 3-4 a day as well as the daily regular readings.
oh, the list goes on...some I will not share because they are for me to know, but you get the idea.
Please forgive me if I have offended any of you, in mind or thought, word or deed, known or unknown, please forgive me a sinner. May God bless everyone during this wonderful time and give us wisdom to grow closer to Him.
Much Love to all!

Random Clarity

This morning I walked out the door with my knitting tote, off to my first sit and knit with a group of ladies who knit/crochet for charitable causes at the library for 2 hours...well, I was running late, more like 1.5 today. As I left, I rounded our corner and Katherine had run to tap on the window for one last air kiss, wave and smile. At that moment I imagined to myself, her, years from now writing that book I have never gotten around to writing. I imagined the narrative as this, "My mother was always knitting something, or going somewhere to knit with other knitter's..." Then, it struck me! those sorts of books don't really get written any more...which then inspired this thought:

We are losing our craft. (I know, bear with me).

Knitting and other things of the like are on the list (yes, they actually made a list) of things that are stress relief. We have all kinds of people who depend on substances, anti-depressants, drugs, other people, t.v., and so on to take us out of this world into a plane of numbness and oppression. We are oppressing ourselves with our own self-medicating, whether substance or technological or career.

You may say..."What in the world is she talking about?!?!?!" I will tell you...if we spent more time WITH each other instead of apart so much to have the things we want but never get to actually HAVE each other; if we would spent more time creating with our gifts and talents those things which help us to grow and cope and most importantly, love, instead of working so hard to keep what we never really had in the first place; if we really paid attention to what was going on...in our lives, in our families, in our hearts, might we not discover the world for which we have been searching? Might we not find that which we seek and then some?

The more we look, are we not let down for want of searching for something that has already been known from eternity? I think the hardest thing for any of us to ever learn to do is to let go, simple as that. Let go of the falsehoods and follow Truth; let go of insecurities and allow love in; let go of ourselves and let our neighbor be important; let go of our pain and let the tears baptise and cleanse us into newness; let go of pride and let ourselves to feel, to learn; let go of who we think we are and just...be.

What does all this have to do with knitting, you say? This is what this means to me...when I knit, my hands are not idle, I am creating, for once in this world, I can really create something useful over and over again. If I can do nothing of use to the Glory of God but this, I knit. I knit to try to be more humble and selfless. I knit to learn discipline and patience. I knit to finish what I have started, even if it drives me nuts. I knit to persevere and struggle. I can only hope that the intention behind it all will somehow take root in my daughter, sweet as she is and find her craft that can bring her virtues for which to struggle to attain. All this from a craft.

Reflections of a Humble Heart

A selection from the book that I have read, but can't seem to stop thinking about. =)

"Indeed, the devil dealt the human race a terrible blow. And we? we did not even resist, and we lost paradise, and joy, and immortality. Without a fight we ceded to the enemy all of our fortresses. But in war it is not the first battle that determines the outcome. Has it not happened frequently in history that nations and great armies have suffered defeats and losses, and have remained without military equipment, have retreated, and, in general, have endured deprivation, suffering, losses, and dishonor? Nevertheless, experienced generals did not allow themselves to despair but continued the war and, in spite of all the defeats they had previously suffered, they suddenly dealt the enemy a decisive blow and ultimately emerged victorious.

So, too, brother, do not doubt your victory. If you continue the struggle and do not throw down your weapons and run off the field of battle, but rather, regardless of all your previous defeats, if you hold fast the shield of faith, and keep your helmet of salvation on your head and do not let go of the sword of the spirit, i.e., the word of God (Eph. 6:16-17), then you will gain the victory and the trophy will be yours. There is Someone who will be fighting alongside you, and, if you really want to know, He has already conquered your enemy--who is also His enemy. God Himself is with you; He is your Countryman, your Defender, your--all. With His name, with hope in Him and with love towards Him, go and fight. If you get wounded, that is, if you sin in one way or another--inasmuch as the fight is not an easy one and the enemy is skilled at delivering blows--do not despond, because for a Christian no wound can be mortal. Come to the frontline hospital, i.e., to the Church, and here repent of your sins and weaknesses, and your wounds will straightway be healed. The arrow of sin that wounded you is taken out and already the wound is no more. Go then back into battle with the enemy. See here, the enemy has struck your sword from your hand; that is to say, he has thrown you into a state of spiritual weakness through misfortunes, griefs and anxieties, which have disarmed you, as it were. Bow down humbly before the will of God, bend down and pick up your arms, reproach yourself for your faintheartedness and repel the enemy's attack. If you act in this way, you will emerge victorious, and as victor, you will be crowned.

O Christian, you are a soldier of Christ in this life and you are called not to a peaceful and ordinary, tranquil existence, but to war, to a fierce war. If you are victorious in this war, you will enjoy peace, honor, and happiness in the age to come."


Let us not forget with whom we are fighting, where our anger should lie, and the focus and purpose of our struggles as Christians here on earth. Our anger only for the evil one and how easily he distracts us and at ourselves for so simply being shown falsehood as reality...our fight, against him that is the deceiver who continues to lead us falsely through our own weaknesses...our love, for all that is Him and from Him, let us fight to keep the love that we learn and emulate in His name...

Peace be unto you...

The Way

The way is not shut
Still I refuse
Standing there
Looking there
Feeling the warmth

The way is so straight
So sure
Precise and unwavering
I stumble and trip
I fumble back up

The way smells so sweet
Like a field full of flowers
Giant
Fragrant
Ever-blooming flowers

The way is so light
Full of clarity
Life
Love
Peacefulness

The way is so solid
Strong
My flesh is so weak
Temptations
Frustrations

The way is everything
But I still ask for
More
As if there is something
I do not have

The way is so simple
Oar in the water
I push against the flow
Harder than I try
To save myself...

The way is all-knowing
I still want to hide
Crawl into bed
Take a rest from it
All...

The way is so good
Full with love
Forgiveness
and
Hope

Yes, the way is Hope
I still have hope
As I hold it
I look around
I see the straight
strong
narrow path

The way holds my Hope
I see it all so clearly
When I fall
And in this Hope
Faith
Love
...Comfort

The way is not shut
I wish to enter
Chin up and dusted off
I hold out my hand
Will you come with me
My love...

Two Banquets

Misha, this is for you!

A sermon by St John of Shanghai and San Francisco

Homily on the Two Banquets

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Today's Gospel's readings present before us a mental image of two banquets. One banquet, described in the parable, was arranged by a king full of benevolence and mercy. When, however, the banquet was ready, those invited did not come. They preferred to occupy themselves--one with buying, another with his domestic affairs; others seized and insulted those who were sent to call them and even killed some of them. The incensed king, having severely punished the guilty, again sent forth his servants-to invite to the banquet whomever they should meet. Many gathered, and when the king came to see them, he noticed one who was not in proper festive attire. The king asked why it was he had not come suitably dressed. The man was silent, indicating disdain for the king and a lack of desire to participate in the festivities, and for this reason he was made to leave. And so, at this banquet there were many who had been called but few turned out to be chosen, who took part in the supper.

The other banquet belonged not to a parable but to reality. It was a banquet of the iniquitous Herod. It seems that in this case none of those invited refused to come, all were dressed as befitted the occasion, and they enjoyed themselves immensely. The evening passed in drunkenness, in revelry uninhibited by shame or conscience, and it concluded with a monstrous crime, the murder of John the Baptist.

These two banquets are images of two ways of life, two kinds of enjoyment. The first is an image of the spiritual banquet, of spiritual enjoyment. It is arranged by the Lord. This is the banquet of Christ's Church. We are invited to this banquet when we are called to participate in the Divine services, especially the Divine Liturgy and the Communion of the Divine Body and Blood of Christ; when we are called to good works, to vigilance and to sobriety. We refuse to go to that banquet when we do not go to church services, when instead of good we do evil, when we prefer life's cares and pleasures to godly life. We come without a wedding garment when we bring an alien, sinful disposition into that life. Each of us is invited to that banquet many times a day, and we refuse each time we prefer what it carnal and sinful to what is spiritual and divine.

Every day we are likewise invited to Herod's banquet. Often we do not immediately realize that we are being tempted by evil. Sin always begins with a small thing. Herod at first even delighted in listening to John the Baptist; inwardly he realized the sinfulness of his conduct, but he did not war against sin and he ended up murdering the great Saint. We go to Herod's sordid banquet each time instead of good we choose carnal, sinful pleasures and hardheartedness; each time we choose to disregard our souls and so forth.

Once having begun with what appears small or trivial, it is difficult to stop, and if afterwards we do not catch ourselves in time and do not forcefully take ourselves in hand, we can fall into grave sins and crimes, for which eternal torments await us.

Even now John the Baptist calls to each of us: Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand. Repent, in order to enjoy the supper of the Lamb, slain for the sins of the whole world, in the bright, eternal mansions, and not to share with the devil the banquet of malice and torment in Tartarus (in the nether regions) and outer darkness.

Archbishop Andrei (Rymarenko) of Blessed Memory adds: From this Sunday of the Holy Fathers begins a new cycle of preparation for the Birth of Christ. This is the beginning of a new life. From the manger, the light of Christ will shine on us. And in this light will be the warmth of our adoption by God. At the manger we will feel like one family.

It is the same in nature. During the whole winter there was light, but no warmth. But from the moment of Christmas, our earth will turn toward the sun and will begin to experience the life-giving warmth which in the spring will produce greenery, flowers, and fruit. So it is in our spiritual nature. Something wonderful happens every year at the manger of Christ. We all begin to feel like brothers and sisters, children of one Father. And these are not just words, but reality. Love becomes manifest. There is a desire to gladden one another, to help, and to love.

And again this year, from the manger of Christ our new ways will begin: family, monastic, social, domestic, business. But all of them will guide us to one goal--to the Kingdom of God, to the communion with God, to the Lord's Feast.

So let us not forget our dignity, our calling, that we are invited to the Lord's Feast. And let us spend our temporary life as pilgrims, proceeding on the paths that will bring us to the Heavenly Jerusalem, where there will be "the ceaseless sound of those keeping festival."

And then we will become not only those who are called, but those who are chosen.

Amen

Father Michael went on to remind that in order that we be 'chosen', we must first choose God.

Well, there ya go...Misha, I typed it all up with Jay's dictation =) Hope you all like it as much as I did!