A Remarkable and Purposeful Existence

I am 32 years old. My life is not what anyone might expect, but it is more than I ever could have hoped to have. My husband is ill due to of complications with gluten and PTSD...stabilized, for the most part, but ill to the point of not being able to be out of the house for extended periods of time, even after nearly 2 years.

I used to ponder what it would be like to travel over seas, to go to some of these spectacular places with history beyond imagination or comprehension. These days, I am happy to have my little family together at the end of the day.

I used to think about having a larger family and, on occasion, I still wonder about the possibility, but I can't help but be nearly perfectly content to have just the 3 of us. In all honesty, do I really not have all that I need and beyond? If God will's it, we will have more, related by blood or not, but it is enough for now.

I never imagined that life would be quite this good, or challenging, but I am so glad for this journey. I have never been one to wish away circumstance, although there have been times when I would like to procrastinate things away ;o) I am grateful for the struggles and pain, without which I would not be able to identify the joy and love which so readily penetrates and permeates our lives in almost every instance.

My life is not for everyone, but we should all be so fortunate to be able to count our blessings with each beat of the heart in the midst of struggles, or on the face of such a lovely little girl, or in the eyes of a spouse who loves unconditionally with every breath...sometimes I feel as though I am in Heaven already with this family who fills up every inch of my being and that I have a glimpse of eternity.

If only my connection with my fellow man and Creator could be so engaging...ah, in due time, in God's perfect time. There is a brewing inner peace in this lovely stillness following Pascha, it is such a profound and indescribable tranquility that engulfs the very being that I am suspended in awe.

So many things float around in my head from day to day, moment to moment, that it seems to be the chaos amidst the order that drives the chaos into order. I know, mind boggling, right?

I used to imagine that a broken heart is one that has been split because of troubles and heartache in such a way as to cause despair. Now I think of the heart being so full of applicable troubles and a heart that aches with love because it is so full that it cannot stay whole. Perhaps it is the heart which is broken that is capable of the greatest love because it is not closed to all the rest of humanity. When the door is left agape we cannot be sure of what will step in, but in a heart there is a coursing blood that carries simple love and life to and from without any boundaries or ties. There is only life and death, and there ceases to be any division among us because there is no beginning or end of the flow.

My heart is not my own and I do not wish it to be forevermore. I have learned that the more my heart is open, not only may I let people in, but I may also be in the heart of another by way of stepping outside of the door in myself in such a way as to empathize and understand in ways that I could not if I were very guarded.

I look forward to the coming years, God willing, if it means, "speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ"-Ephesians 4:15 I stand here stripped of my misgivings, growing in awareness and love and light and life as I anticipate the next piece of the continual and perpetual grace and love that is and always has been.

Before all else, I am in love...in love with a love that is beyond measure, bound to a heart that seeks my own and a grace that fills all things. So, if you are looking, you can find me wading through my own drudgery just to follow the bits of my heart taken captive by the infinite love...

"I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me;
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's hosts to save me
From snares of the devil,
From temptations of vices,
From every one who desires me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone or in a multitude.
* * *
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me." ~Excerpts from St. Patrick's Lorica


Glory to God for all things (not just the things we want or like)

To be, or not to be...

Let's have a little chat about something that has been more often bouncing around a lot of circles ever since we have elected our new president. I am growing increasingly tired of all the usual arguments for and against.

I would like to state that I am a Pro-Choice, Pro-Lifer. Here is the kicker....wait for it....I don't think that the choice should be considered as being available once a couple becomes pregnant. The choice should be when a person decides to commit the act necessary for conception and if you don't want the possibility of a baby, KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!!!! The choice then following the intercourse that results in a child, yes, I said CHILD, should be whether this child is loved within a home provided by either the bio duo, or another set or person.

I believe in life, but I also believe in our God-given freewill to make choices. I would not expect a person to surrender their rights, but it would be nice to think that there are more people out there thinking about the consequence of their actions. On the same note concerning life, I would hope that a person who believes in the undeniable right to life of an unborn child, would also consider that the idea of a death penalty for those imprisoned is just as heartless. It is as if to say that when that persons mother decided to give life to this child, she should have made a different CHOICE...we can have no blood on our hands from either the execution of our fellow struggling man, nor from the innocent whose names we will never know.

I would also like to point out the numerous families who have a difficult time conceiving and carrying a pregnancy to term. I am sure there are a multitude of people who would be more than happy to be a loving home for the little darlings who someone thought they would enjoy themselves and then think about what comes next...

I do not think that our choices should be taken away, but I would like everyone reading this to consider what sort of decision making and thought ought to be best utilized and how each person can be a better example. If we are to love one another, then perhaps we can begin by taking the time to consider what I have said and all of us begin to try to be less self-centered.

Words to live by

"Pray, and then when you have to, speak to your children with love. Lots of love and few words. Lots of prayer and few words for everyone." Elder Porphyrios, on the upbringing of children from Wounded By Love

I need to remember these much more often than I do. Lord have mercy!

Whether I will or not...

Whether I will or not, the current will move me
Like a boat on the sea
Or a bird in the sky
...the current comes and goes
And knows no other way to be
It just is...

Whether I struggle or not, I will be consumed
By the fullness
The ever-changing sameness
A suffocating freedom
No beginning and no end

Whether I fight or not, the enemy still surrounds
They breath on all that is good
They pull the strings of the unsuspecting
They whisper quiet nothings of temptation
They never sleep

Whether I am willful or not, things will be as they are
Perfection without prejudice
Love without pride
Unity without confusion
A succumbing silence of peace

Whether I know it or not, I cannot go this alone
There are righteous warriors at hand to my defense
The sea, the air and land
Shields and swords ready
All I have to do is summon them
Then
Surrender
Protect my foolish, stubborn soul!

Beyond the Mist

It is like walking
In a fog,
Or a mist,
That engulfs every single thing
It permeates all
And
Leaves nothing to spare
It is neither light
Nor is it dark
It is purely existential
There is no up
Or down,
Near or
Far
It both suffocates
And
Offers freedom
You cannot touch it
But
It can touch you
As it sets in
There is a choice

To give effort
or
To simply surrender

It seems as if there is nothing
And yet
Something lies in wait
A path appears
Vaguely,
But there
One foot in front
Then the other
The drifting mist
Begins to fade
To melt
The light is bright
But
Still nothing is quite clear
There is a coolness
A fresh feeling
A calm excitement
The path becomes
More clear
Less daunting
There has been ascent
Unnoticed
But
A glance down
Confirms a climb
As the misty fog
Sits
As a settled mass
Upon the past

Random Tuesday, A Day in the Life...

O Holy hierarch, father John, pray unto God for us!

This morning we gave Barsik (the dog) back to his people, Bill and Alyona, after their trip to San Francisco this past weekend. They brought us a wonderful picture of his relics which now sits atop his icon in 'the quiet room'. I am grateful that they got to go visit St John and visit his many places of service, it is truly a blessing. Glory to God!

Katherine and I were talking after they left, she asked if they got to see St John and I told her yes. She then asked if he was serving while they were there and it occurred to me that being that she is a child, her concept of timing and passing of life is so unreal compared to a grown adult. A particularly good example of our need to be childlike in order that we enter into the Kingdom of Heaven, it is timeless there as is the reality of a child where minutes pass like days and days like hours. If a child is given the opportunity, they will gain a healthy understanding of what death is in reality and have no fear as it is a natural progression in life. Of course, we must also have a proper, even if basic, understanding of death in order that we impart that to our young ones. That being said, I will get back on course...when she asked if St John was serving, I told her yes, that his body is here in his cathedral, but his soul is in Heaven serving with God and with all His saints. She did not even blink at my answer, she does not question that it is true, again, the humbling true acceptance only a child can offer.

After placing the picture in its home above St John's icon, it seemed that prayers were in order and since we have a copy of the Akathist to St John, it was more than perfect. Katherine sat and drew pictures in 'the quiet room' at Papa's desk and piped in with the prayers she knows, which she is more than happy to offer these days. I am grateful to have all that we have, even the things I do not always care for or understand. Reading the prayers is such a wonderful reminder of the beauty of the Saint's life, as it is when reading any Akathist. It evoked memories of reading about St John's life and service. He gave so much of his life to the Church from childhood and, to this day, continues to give. He was rector to many parishes, bringing Truth to many who had forgotten...he is father to many orphaned children, who can never forget his sweet life of prayer and service...while in Shanghai, he would go out into the streets at night to look for babies who had been cast into the garbage cans, yes, this actually happened and, what's more, he actually found them there and would bring them home to the orphanage! He fled from place to place as godless communism ate away different pieces of the world before he eventually came to America where he lived the rest of his days. When he came, he did not want to leave his children, but he could only come alone...at first, but after many petitions to the government and even more prayers, the immigration laws were changed and many were able to come to America and return to their beloved Vladyka. There are so many numerous thing that St John has done, and continues to do regularly, that there is hardly room enough in a book to recount them all, so please forgive me for t he lack of stories I provide!

It befell me that St John was a father to many orphans who, being orphaned, were granted a wonderful mercy of God by being put in the care of our father John. Though being an orphan is a sad state of affairs for many, St John gave so much to these children through all of his service. While they struggled to have enough for the children to eat, he would still bring home more children, believing there would always be enough, because God provides and He always did. He gave them so much more than food for the body, but eternal manna from Heaven through the Divinity of the Church with her essential lessons and a true love for God. What a blessing to have instruction in the faith from a Saint of our Lord! It draws to mind a portion of Psalm 84 (83, septuagint, which is this translation):
10 For one day in thy courts is better than thousands. I would rather be an abject in the house of God, than dwell in the tents of sinners.
11 For the Lord loves mercy and truth: God will give grace and glory: the Lord will not withhold good things from them that walk in innocence.
12 O Lord of hosts, blessed is the man that trusts in thee.
This is how my thoughts wander...it is better to be an orphan in the house of a man of God, who is a Saint among His people and whose life is not of this world, than to live with many riches and find very little of redeeming Grace in a world of godless temptations.

May his presence in our churches, and prayers to God in Heaven, incite us all to live a more fervent life of prayer as we cycle through the fasts and feasts of the liturgical year, creating in us a true oneness through the communion of our plight to God as we strive to follow Christ through the example of the footsteps of one of His chosen as he himself succeeded in following after Christ throughout his life on earth. My hope is that many more people will continue to learn about St John the Wonderworker of Shanghai and San Francisco, a Saint clad in flesh for our sake, to the Glory of God our Father! Holy, Holy, Holy art Thou oh God of our fathers! Lord have mercy and may His peace be with all of you.

Here is an excerpt from one of St John's sermons from 'The Church as the Body of Christ':
"The Church is unity in Christ, the closest union with Christ of all who rightly believe on Him and love Him, and all their union is through Christ.

Now the Church consists of both her earthly and heavenly parts, for the Son of God came to earth and became man that He might lead man into heaven and make him once again a citizen of paradise, returning to him his original condition of sinlessness and wholeness and uniting him unto Himself.

This is accomplished by the action of divine grace granted through the Church, but effort is also required from man himself. God saves His fallen creature by His own love for him, but man's love for his Creator is also necessary and without it salvation is impossible for him. Striving toward God and cleaving unto the Lord by its humble love, the human soul obtains power to cleanse itself from sin and to strengthen itself for the struggle to full victory over sin."

It begins again...

I feel the approach of everything right now. The impending difference between one and the other. The light is changing, the air is cooling, the days are crisp and chill and the last of summer tries to hold onto us through the lovely sunshine which filters through the orange leaves and finds a warm place upon our cheeks, just before the wind picks up to escort it away. My home is far away from here, my love, also, is far. A sigh of relief as things settle in for the cold of winter. Searching, gathering, storing...I have always liked this time of year.

The entirety of my life is overshadowed by all things within the realm of our faith. Seasons do not just come and go, ebb and flow...change. Each new season ushers in the upcoming feast. We are nearing our feast of the Holy Protection of the Theotokos and we will be home in time for it...barely, but thankfully. Everything will be in blue, such a beautiful color throughout. I can almost taste the things which will come afterward. It is so different being an adult during some of these times, the eyes of my daughter offer such an astounding view that would not be afforded if I were not a mother and also I could not see if I were not grown, but I am sure things will be different this year even from last.

I find I do not look forward to the individual main feasts these days, but, rather, the journey leading us there, the anticipation and pathway is much more fulfilling than in the past. Everything is so congruous and is like the ocean. The more I am washed out to sea, the more beautiful the land looks and an ability to stop struggling overwhelms because the knowledge of the tides calms the urge to fight them. This is not to say that the undertow does not have its day and an encompassing feeling of suffocation and helplessness sneaks in as if there could be anything to be done about it all, forgetting all knowledge of Love, Strength and Humility. I am a sinner, I am not perfect, but there is hope...so much hope and Love.

The constant sound of the waves and their rocking will lull me to sleep through the long winter months and keep me. Until next time, peace be with all of you...