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Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Thickness

There is fluidity

There is life
There is all that comes with night
The calm
The dark
The electric vibrance 
A peaceful weight upon the soul


Thursday, November 20, 2014

Waves

Life is fast

It goes and grinds
Grief in pieces, 
Locking, tumbling 
Landing on falling
Standing in crushing waves
As silences befits this moment

Comfort does not sit
Well within the heart
Driving the soul
Keeping sacred purity
Blinded by beauty
Tainted by pain
Always moving
Forever changing

Jagged shards fit together
Making whole the broken
Drawing nearer to tears
Brings me closer to you

I remember
I know
I feel
I see
I am...

Sinking, floating, soaring, dreaming, dragging, beaming...
Enlightened and alive


Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Hiatus

I have so much I would like to share, but none of it is truly formed properly, so I will just babble a little bit. Since Dad's repose, so much has happened, I feel like listing it would take forever and I will miss something, but here are the highlights: Jay's VA comp and pen appointments and decision, back to back sickness in our house in the SUMMER (UGH!), my grandma fell and broke her hip, I joined a gym, Jay, Sis, and Mini all had birthdays, our wedding anniversary, my sister is pregnant, new nephews (twins) from Jay's bro and sis in law, church and more church, grandma's health declining and release to home on hospice care, kid activities, life....um, yeah.


Grief bubble still has an opening for me and thanfully so, due to the current declining state of my grandma. Jay likes to call it a year of change, which is certainly that, but 2 of the most influential and prominent people, whom I love and have known my entire life, will be gone from this earthly place. Dad in June, now Meema...

The chaos that fills this place is only bearable right now because I have been diligently going to the gym. Endorphins and some time to turn off my mommy/caregiver brain is so precious and priceless, it has help transform how I greet the world each day. I have been going more regularly, and even working with a personal trainer, which is helping me challenge myself (mentally and physically), while giving me the tools to accomplish a ton and be more effective in other areas of life. Thank GOD! Seriously, this is a Godsend, considering how much change is going on, has taken place, is coming up...

I often think of my dad and feel like there are gifts that he bequeathed to each of us upon his  repose and one of mine is the focus and determination to not give up. I am notorious for starting things, or getting part way through, but not finishing, so I think of my dad and the way he would always persevere. No mater his pain, fatigue, lack of mobility, etc., he would press on, albeit slowly sometimes, he kept going to the very end, no excuses, and usually for other people. He worked so hard to make sure that everyone else around him had everything they needed and there was always time to make for someone else. In a roundabout way, I see going to the gym as something I can follow through doing and regularly think of him and how he would just keep trying and doing, but also, I am going for my family. They need me and I need to be well. On top of that, I have a 3 year old, so that means I will be an older parent, which also means I have got to be in shape enough to keep up with that lovely little spitfire.

I don't know much, but I know God's will be done, regardless of how we feel about it. I am at peace with much, struggle and try to persevere in all things, but live more moment to moment not more than ever, for which I am grateful. Love and peace be with all. 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Anticipation

I see you

In my dreams you are there
Talking and laughing
I cry with tears of joy 
Knowing all the while
It's fleeting,
Only fleeting
Are all our lives
As we live in shadows 
Of love and purpose
Growing ever nearer
Our ultimate home
Outside ourselves
Without this flesh
In timeless captivation
Awaiting unity
In eternal hope and love.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Darkness

I love the quiet and dark of night 

There is something 
So calming and thick about it all. 
The fabric of life seems to gather together
In the sweetness of its movement
As it breathes in busyness,
Exhaling rest and respite.
Revitalization begins here;
In the darkness,
We  await the Light.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Home

There is this place I go

Green, quiet, and alone
I see my thoughts
Hear my heart
Peel away the dizzy
Silence is thick 
I touch the beauty
It hurts and heals
I believe
I stand bare and real
No one knows
This place I go

There is this place I go
Walking in twilight
Heavy steps dragging
Onward to the water
Peering in at me
I remember
Reflections and refractions
Begin to settle 
Disturbed only by my tears
Sitting quietly
In this place I go


Bubble

There is an awful sort of lingering

One that drifts in and out
Like waves of the sea,
The tides creep ever closer to shore
Knowing they must also draw away
But ebb and flow, they must
Just as from the beginning
I long for more metered beats of life
Fewer open spaces pausing me in thought
When this becomes what is
Instead of suspended newness
Like a breathless moment
These days offer solace and sadness
Filled with hope and love
While clinging to heartstrings
Tugging with intensity
From time to time
Sometimes not at all
Only for a thought
Before it returns to this head
This heart that is magnified in aching
Take hold this hand
Guide these feet
Make steady my resolve
As I continue on this path
Of love.