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Thursday, November 20, 2014

Waves

Life is fast

It goes and grinds
Grief in pieces, 
Locking, tumbling 
Landing on falling
Standing in crushing waves
As silences befits this moment

Comfort does not sit
Well within the heart
Driving the soul
Keeping sacred purity
Blinded by beauty
Tainted by pain
Always moving
Forever changing

Jagged shards fit together
Making whole the broken
Drawing nearer to tears
Brings me closer to you

I remember
I know
I feel
I see
I am...

Sinking, floating, soaring, dreaming, dragging, beaming...
Enlightened and alive


Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Hiatus

I have so much I would like to share, but none of it is truly formed properly, so I will just babble a little bit. Since Dad's repose, so much has happened, I feel like listing it would take forever and I will miss something, but here are the highlights: Jay's VA comp and pen appointments and decision, back to back sickness in our house in the SUMMER (UGH!), my grandma fell and broke her hip, I joined a gym, Jay, Sis, and Mini all had birthdays, our wedding anniversary, my sister is pregnant, new nephews (twins) from Jay's bro and sis in law, church and more church, grandma's health declining and release to home on hospice care, kid activities, life....um, yeah.


Grief bubble still has an opening for me and thanfully so, due to the current declining state of my grandma. Jay likes to call it a year of change, which is certainly that, but 2 of the most influential and prominent people, whom I love and have known my entire life, will be gone from this earthly place. Dad in June, now Meema...

The chaos that fills this place is only bearable right now because I have been diligently going to the gym. Endorphins and some time to turn off my mommy/caregiver brain is so precious and priceless, it has help transform how I greet the world each day. I have been going more regularly, and even working with a personal trainer, which is helping me challenge myself (mentally and physically), while giving me the tools to accomplish a ton and be more effective in other areas of life. Thank GOD! Seriously, this is a Godsend, considering how much change is going on, has taken place, is coming up...

I often think of my dad and feel like there are gifts that he bequeathed to each of us upon his  repose and one of mine is the focus and determination to not give up. I am notorious for starting things, or getting part way through, but not finishing, so I think of my dad and the way he would always persevere. No mater his pain, fatigue, lack of mobility, etc., he would press on, albeit slowly sometimes, he kept going to the very end, no excuses, and usually for other people. He worked so hard to make sure that everyone else around him had everything they needed and there was always time to make for someone else. In a roundabout way, I see going to the gym as something I can follow through doing and regularly think of him and how he would just keep trying and doing, but also, I am going for my family. They need me and I need to be well. On top of that, I have a 3 year old, so that means I will be an older parent, which also means I have got to be in shape enough to keep up with that lovely little spitfire.

I don't know much, but I know God's will be done, regardless of how we feel about it. I am at peace with much, struggle and try to persevere in all things, but live more moment to moment not more than ever, for which I am grateful. Love and peace be with all. 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Anticipation

I see you

In my dreams you are there
Talking and laughing
I cry with tears of joy 
Knowing all the while
It's fleeting,
Only fleeting
Are all our lives
As we live in shadows 
Of love and purpose
Growing ever nearer
Our ultimate home
Outside ourselves
Without this flesh
In timeless captivation
Awaiting unity
In eternal hope and love.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Darkness

I love the quiet and dark of night 

There is something 
So calming and thick about it all. 
The fabric of life seems to gather together
In the sweetness of its movement
As it breathes in busyness,
Exhaling rest and respite.
Revitalization begins here;
In the darkness,
We  await the Light.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Home

There is this place I go

Green, quiet, and alone
I see my thoughts
Hear my heart
Peel away the dizzy
Silence is thick 
I touch the beauty
It hurts and heals
I believe
I stand bare and real
No one knows
This place I go

There is this place I go
Walking in twilight
Heavy steps dragging
Onward to the water
Peering in at me
I remember
Reflections and refractions
Begin to settle 
Disturbed only by my tears
Sitting quietly
In this place I go


Bubble

There is an awful sort of lingering

One that drifts in and out
Like waves of the sea,
The tides creep ever closer to shore
Knowing they must also draw away
But ebb and flow, they must
Just as from the beginning
I long for more metered beats of life
Fewer open spaces pausing me in thought
When this becomes what is
Instead of suspended newness
Like a breathless moment
These days offer solace and sadness
Filled with hope and love
While clinging to heartstrings
Tugging with intensity
From time to time
Sometimes not at all
Only for a thought
Before it returns to this head
This heart that is magnified in aching
Take hold this hand
Guide these feet
Make steady my resolve
As I continue on this path
Of love.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Memory Eternal

This is a repost from 12/10/10, but very appropriate right now. Dad fell asleep in The Lord saturday morning, the day all of the Orthodox faithful worldwide are praying for the dearly departed, and he was buried yesterday in Platina.


God Keep You Now and Always

I am given to thoughts of life
Thoughts of precious, wasted moments
Fleeting perfected love and simplicity
My heart is broken
Though, as if it never knew how to love
Until this time when you may leave
We are all going to lose this gift
This life of what we know
But the tears cannot quiet
The disruption inside my soul
This thrashing in seclusion
Find me weeping, see me standing
Barely keeping a single thought long
Torn in pieces
But only beginning to understand
Only now can I know the enigma that is whole
Yet there is no solace anywhere tangible
The pulling at my heart consumes each breath
Is in each step and utterance
I see your face and long to always
Your presence never meant more
Why, I do not know
A solemn and jagged peace is lingering
As if to comfort and calm
How will I ever let you go?
How could I ask you to stay?
Be at peace and know that no matter
We shall remain and carry on
This life can never be the same
Though we can hardly ever be apart 
Oh, that I could have been the daughter I ought have
Oh, that I could breath in the moments of waste
Breathing out only that which profits us both
Ah, but we cannot regret 
That which makes us who we become
Without those many lessons
I might have not made it here

I know how to love
Because of you
I know how to give
Because of you
I know who I am
Because of you
I am a daughter given to be a wife
Because of you
I am strong and fearless
Because of you
I am loving, compassionate and open
Because of you

Our hearts come from the same seed
From the beginning of time
The line runs deep and vast
It draws us into nearness and love
A kindred understanding of life
A common hope and purpose
Intertwined in this dancing prism of life
Forever and for always, my papa you will be
Know that I am where you are perpetually
For you are here and may not know it
Your life and memory will live on
In our hearts, without fail
May the God of all bless you
The Most Holy Theotokos stay by your side
Your guardian angel guide you
St. Seraphim comfort and guard you
May all the saints, known and unknown
Pray unto God for the salvation and purification of your soul
That you be without blemish when He comes
None can keep you from Him
Though why should we wish to do so
May enlightenment be upon you
Understanding, peace and love
Constantly keeping you 

May God keep those of us that must stay
That it be to the glory of God
Forever and ever, Amen