Sunday, August 19, 2012

Blessed Be

I lived to wake another day
To move toward a new beginning
But also old friends.
To bring with us great love
Mingled with a small weight;
This bittersweetness and beauty
Of grown by the tending of love.
A firm and fragile vine
It spans a vastness of the heart
Both through swells of pain and joy.
The fruit of which has fed us,
For as the rain has come in time,
It waters this vine of growth
Giving new life strewn with blessings.

I have come to know
That the greatness of God,
Which permeates us all,
Often comes to us in glimpses.
Waves of glory and light
Rush in a mere shadow of His love.
A great and transcendant love,
Whose messengers wend their way
Straigt in your heart,
Etching themselves in immortality.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Bittersweet Goodbye

I went to knitting tonight. It was and average evening, aside from the fact that it is my last time with the ladies until who knows when, but I am SO glad I went. Though it is sad to actually say goodbye, and mean it, there is some gravity that weighs in to take the measure of what lies ahead. We are really moving. We are going to be gone REALLY soon, and it only truly hit tonight, since it is something I have tried to do every week for the past four years.

I have learned a great deal about myself and others in this time of knitting for my sanity. When Jay first fell ill, it was soon afterward that I found the knitting group, first at the shop, then at a friends' house. I am floored by the love of the group of ladies I have been privleged to get to know. They are, by far, some of the funniest, deep, and smart women I have ever known in my life, thus far. There is a certain beauty about coming together for a shared hobby or, as it were, any craft, though knitting was central.

I went to take mind off of things. Sometimes I did not know who I would meet that understood what we were going through. A word of wisdom, sympathy, or assurance would be offered as needed. A laugh would often erupt for ay old reason, and I haven't had inside jokes since I was a kid, until I met these girls. Not because anyone was trying to exclude anyone else, but because we would talk of such things that no one else would truly get, unless they were there.

I thought I would cry if they did anything for me, which they did by way of card, food, and gifts, but it was walking out after actually saying goodbye, when I shed my tears of departure. I will miss them something awful, in ways I didn't imagine. They all truly care, have been there for years and know all of our struggles, and have offered me respite and reprieve from in many days of monotonous health issues we were wading through. They know me, because to know me these days, is to know what I have been through and somehow shared in the arduous journey. For as many weeks in a row that I could manage and had, sometimes meeting on the side, outside the main group, if I hadn't any other time, they were there.

Thank God for these ladies, may they have many blessings.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Remembering These Years

We are nearing our ten year wedding anniversary next month. The feast day is for Ss. Joachim and Anna, grandparents of Our Lord. It falls the day after the birth of the Theotokos, just like St. Joseph's is te day following Christ's birth. Anyway, this spring, as things started to become more stable with Jay's health and I was feeling a bit like I was awaiting the other proverbial shoe to drop, I decided that, after all that we have been through, we ought to have a nice 10th celebration. I had begun to squirrel away money to try to go up to the cabins we love so dearly, that offer so much peace and quietude. When everthing hit in early May, those dreams seemed farther and farther away, but we were still hopeful. What a blur it has been since then and now we are going to go live in the woods. What a blessing.

You know, during some of these years, as I look back and ponder the days and moments in time that have shaped today's gratefulness, much of it stems from not realizing how we have been living in a state of survival for a number of years. It is easy to say that is what happened when Jay first fell ill, but it has been truly since Jay was spontaneously taken for training, where we spent our second anniversary eating ribs on a military base with our 1 year old daughter, just before he was inevitably deployed for what would become an eight year journey, though he was in country less than a year. One that took us through some of the darkest places of soul searching, patience, faith, and forgiveness. It amazes me that when in times of darkness, even the slightest hint of light weighs in as mercy, and the slightest tinge of brightness, becomes a source of glory and love. Sometimes we cannot tell how long we have lived in the shadows, until we walk through the door that swings wide open and the sunlight comes gushing through and blinds us.

I have not had much attachment to this physical place, this condo, where we live, but I have become rather partial to the journey and the lessons, the people and love. I do not believe it seems sweeter because we are going, but because when you have the opportunity to behold the final product of many years of work and creation, it is an amazing sight. As with any work of art, there are those highlights that stand out, the crowning moments of smooth perfection in one stroke, and those times of struggle and mistake, but it is still our portrait. I imagine that it is like a sun that, through the years, has slowly been setting, only to rise again in a new place. It is a metamorphosis from an encasement of some ragged times, with bright moments, into a new beginning. It has not been all bad, nor do we expect that what will come is going to somehow be perfect, or even great, but it is a change to try our hand at something new; a way to refine our life lessons. I, for one, am eternally grateful for all of my lessons, whether the gravity has lifted me up, or left me to drop and recover.

This year, after a decade of being married to a man who holds me up, when I just want to give up. Being in a marriage where we do our best to allow one another to be who we are, express it, understand one another, and support each others' decisions. We are going to stay at the B&B around the corner from my parents' house, where they feed you based on whatever food needs, or preferences, you may have, and offers a bit of respite from this perpetual rollercoaster of life. He has often said he may not have any friends, get out of the house, or do anything much at all, if not for me and my prodding, so I am going to take him, for both of us.

Glory to God for all things.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

We Feed People and Tales of Packing Woes

So, our time is nearing to be gone, though not soon enough, in my opinion. Not that I am in a hurray to be gone, but I am most certainly in a hurry to be packed and not have to deal with it anymore. All we can do is a little bit at a time, so we are, but it surely makes for a long, drawn out process, it seems. Oh well, it won't be long, I suppose. *SIGH*

On the happy front, we will be celebrating Kat's birthday with all of our friends around tehse parts. I promised her that we would do something and I am a mom of my word, if I can help it. So, saturday morning we will arrive at the park, hopefully before anyone else tries to get there and use the shelter, and await the onset of friends, friends, FRIENDS! She is really looking forward to it and so are we. I am grateful to be able to do this for her, because her friends are at the top of her list of what she will miss most about Colorado.

I realized that when we celebrate, we feed people, but what is more, I have become rather Russian-esque about it. Ha ha! Though I am not quite fully Russian about it, I am close. My chips, guacamole, and hummus with df/gf ice cream cones, has turned into two kinds of chips, salsa, guac, homemade tofu pate, a load of veggie sticks, gf veggie pasta salad, two kinds of grapes, watermelon, 4 kinds of lemonade, half-pint Izze drinks, and 5 kinds of df/gf ice cream cones. It is practically lunch, even though the party starts at 930 am! That's ok, I did grow up in a family where we got special meals for our birthday's and whatnot, so I guess I just take it to the next level and invite 30 or 40 of our closest friends! Glory to God we can do it!

Well, that is the upcoming couple of days and the latest thoughts. I really wish this place would pack itself, or maybe the packing elves would come out of the woodwork in the night and do it for me. Just one more way for me to practice patience, right?