Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I fall down and cry unto Thee

I cried today, in the humbling presence of God and His music as a gift to the church. Not just cried, but wept for so many things.

"Let us who mystically represent the Cherubim
and sing the Thrice Holy Hymn to the life-giving Trinity,
Lay aside all earthly cares..."

Please take them from me! I do not know how to do it alone, I do not want to!

"That we may recieve the King of all,
invisibly borne in triumph by the Angelic Orders.
Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia."

This music in a particular arrangement just wells up inside me with a sense of peace and sadness, comfort and yearning all at the same time. Peace that this is the Angels song through us and picture of heaven and promise of love, but the sadness that I am so unworthy and continually separate myself from God through my sins. Comfort from the beauty in the words (Lay aside all earthly cares, repetitively, petitioning the body and mind to let go of this world's trouble)and heart sung melodies that God has not forsaken us and a yearning to understand more and be more than I am, that God has given us tools through the Holy Church to grow closer to Him and His heavenly kingdom.
When we are babies and small children we have such sweet innocent knowledge of God's love and His gifts. As we grow older, our bodies and this world, tear us from it. The all-loving and merciful embrace of God. I can see it in my child as she grows, I mourn for what will become of her through me and my imperfections that I wallow in. It is my job to somehow raise her to be better than I am, a more loving, merciful, forgiving, God-fearing Heaven-ward being...How can I manage all of this when I do not know how to myself? But for the Grace of God that she should have a better chance. With tears of repentance I fall on my knees before God and ask that, if I cannot be saved, please take my child, she is all I have and the magnification of my tainted earthly love, heart of my heart, blood of my blood. Please take these broken and humbled pieces of me as an offering and accept my child, she knows not what she does, but I being grown, known the awful truths of this world, do not let her know what I know, how I know.
And, yet, there is hope! In the darkness there is the light of my soul with my Guardian Angel, given me at Holy Baptism, will help guide me on my path, sometimes dragging me along, that I may become worthy of those things which God wishes us all to have. That through the Grace of God washing over and through my selfish, Prideful and pathetic body and soul, I might better bring myself to the Glory of God. It may not be quick, most good journies are not, and I hope this one lasts my entire life, to the Glory of God! If God will grant me more opportunities to realize my sin and repent, I will not be forsaken, I will not be alone, I will know how to guide my family and child, that she may have the same chances to bring herself to God and fall down in love and gladness, with tears of repentance, not only for herself but all of our brothers and sisters in Christ and all of mankind. We are not alone in body, but in spirit and through our forgiveness and love we understand the weakness of us all and can learn to better pray, for if we can truly pray for others as we pridefully pray for ourselves, all is not lost. If we follow the Light of the Church that God has given us as beacon in this bleak world, we will not be alone, but together in love and piety, supporting each other through this treacherous and painful life. Please pray for me, a sinner on my path to salvation and righteousness, that I may not perish through my body and mind, but be saved in the Love and Mercy of God.

Love to you all, with all my broken and unworthy heart, Aurelia Xenia Peace Nichols Dunn
(this is what I was listening to while I wrote this, you will have to copy and paste it to listen)


Petronia said...

What really can I say? Thank you for sharing, for baring yourself to us all and being an example for us. You are beautiful.

The url you posted is missing the end. This one will work:

Petronia said...

hm. the message cut off the end of the address I posted. Anyway, just add .mp3 to the end of what you posted and it will work.

Xen Xen said...

It says it on mine here...maybe it is your computer again. ;) Thanks for your comment. Love you, talk to you soon!

Petronia said...

ah man!

xenspirit3 said...

Seems like you were having a tough day. You know God loves you and You Know because He Died on the Cross for Us When were at our worse...

Take care,
xenia from eugene

Marfa said...

That "Heruvimskaya" is just lovely...I assume it's a recording from a monastery. It's very prayerful, thanks for sharing.