Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A Remarkable and Purposeful Existence

I am 32 years old. My life is not what anyone might expect, but it is more than I ever could have hoped to have. My husband is ill due to of complications with gluten and PTSD...stabilized, for the most part, but ill to the point of not being able to be out of the house for extended periods of time, even after nearly 2 years.

I used to ponder what it would be like to travel over seas, to go to some of these spectacular places with history beyond imagination or comprehension. These days, I am happy to have my little family together at the end of the day.

I used to think about having a larger family and, on occasion, I still wonder about the possibility, but I can't help but be nearly perfectly content to have just the 3 of us. In all honesty, do I really not have all that I need and beyond? If God will's it, we will have more, related by blood or not, but it is enough for now.

I never imagined that life would be quite this good, or challenging, but I am so glad for this journey. I have never been one to wish away circumstance, although there have been times when I would like to procrastinate things away ;o) I am grateful for the struggles and pain, without which I would not be able to identify the joy and love which so readily penetrates and permeates our lives in almost every instance.

My life is not for everyone, but we should all be so fortunate to be able to count our blessings with each beat of the heart in the midst of struggles, or on the face of such a lovely little girl, or in the eyes of a spouse who loves unconditionally with every breath...sometimes I feel as though I am in Heaven already with this family who fills up every inch of my being and that I have a glimpse of eternity.

If only my connection with my fellow man and Creator could be so engaging...ah, in due time, in God's perfect time. There is a brewing inner peace in this lovely stillness following Pascha, it is such a profound and indescribable tranquility that engulfs the very being that I am suspended in awe.

So many things float around in my head from day to day, moment to moment, that it seems to be the chaos amidst the order that drives the chaos into order. I know, mind boggling, right?

I used to imagine that a broken heart is one that has been split because of troubles and heartache in such a way as to cause despair. Now I think of the heart being so full of applicable troubles and a heart that aches with love because it is so full that it cannot stay whole. Perhaps it is the heart which is broken that is capable of the greatest love because it is not closed to all the rest of humanity. When the door is left agape we cannot be sure of what will step in, but in a heart there is a coursing blood that carries simple love and life to and from without any boundaries or ties. There is only life and death, and there ceases to be any division among us because there is no beginning or end of the flow.

My heart is not my own and I do not wish it to be forevermore. I have learned that the more my heart is open, not only may I let people in, but I may also be in the heart of another by way of stepping outside of the door in myself in such a way as to empathize and understand in ways that I could not if I were very guarded.

I look forward to the coming years, God willing, if it means, "speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ"-Ephesians 4:15 I stand here stripped of my misgivings, growing in awareness and love and light and life as I anticipate the next piece of the continual and perpetual grace and love that is and always has been.

Before all else, I am in love with a love that is beyond measure, bound to a heart that seeks my own and a grace that fills all things. So, if you are looking, you can find me wading through my own drudgery just to follow the bits of my heart taken captive by the infinite love...

"I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me;
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's hosts to save me
From snares of the devil,
From temptations of vices,
From every one who desires me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone or in a multitude.
* * *
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me." ~Excerpts from St. Patrick's Lorica

Glory to God for all things (not just the things we want or like)


Cait said...

I love you

GretchenJoanna said...

Very eloquent and uplifting. You are reminding me of how God seems to custom-design our trials for us. We want to look away, and see that other people's troubles and temptations seem easier--but for them, they are not! God is with us in our own particular circumstances, as you have so aptly described, and when we find Him there, we find no lack.

h west said...

Geesh. Can ya get any mushier? Hee. Hee. Hee.
P.S. I always think of you when I see my keys flashing.