Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Update and Thoughts

We have been without internet for a week at this point and I am finding it somewhat of a relief. To be sure, I like to obsessively check my email just as much as the next person, but this has been freeing. At first, I had a few withdrawals, as it was a regular part of my morning routine, but now I find peace in it. Maybe it will last a little longer, perhaps a lot longer, who knows for sure.

We have gotten 3 goldfish in the last 2 weeks, because we lost 1, then 2, now we only have Ponyo, while Goldie (the first, and most beloved, rests peacefully at the foot of our tomato plant, Bertha. Bertha is in a container on the patio and Katherine buried him and, after crying from a broken heart, framed his tiny grave in yellow roses and set a little wooden cross as a headstone. She even took the time to inscribe initials, date and hearts on it. I know it is sad to lose a pet, especially when you've only had it a week, but I am grateful for the opportunity for her to learn a little more about loss. This life is bittersweet and I do not find that my job is done well if all I ever offer is sunshine and roses. My job as her parent is to guide her through many of her triumphs and trials as a child, so that when she is grown, she is equip to manage those things I her life that come to her. At the very center of that, I pray that God give me strength and lead me to the best way to do these things and also to turn her heart where it ought to be.

About that tomato plant, it is ENORMOUS! I am looking forward to reaping the fruit of its massive growth. It is seriously huge! I never, in all my life thought it could get quite so large in a pot on the patio, but it is thriving on lovely organic, fertilized soil, sunshine from above, water and God's will. There are so many tiny fruits that are green and I am imagining them with the greek mini basil that is healthily growing in another pot around the corner. YUM!!!

We have had some really great evenings of hanging out, as a family, or with friends, and bbqing. This is the start of a relaxing summer and I am trying to appreciate it all before I let myself get the better of me, but you never know, I may end up letting the summer fade into Katherine's birthday and fall away into autumn in a warm and calming wave. We shall see how everything plays out. I am actually particularly happy that we have made it to the pool with Katherine nearly every day since it opened (it is across the street in our condo complex, otherwise, it wouldn't be like that!). She loves to swim and sometimes we go in the evening when everyone else has packed it up for the day to go home for dinner and we have the pool to ourselves.

There are moments when I dream a lovely dream of living in the woods, or mountains by a stream, or a little farm, you can imagine where I am going with it. Anyway, I find a bit of unrest being in the city, but I am trying to glean from the city what I can, because it isn't likely that our situation will change any time soon. I have always been a 'bloom where you're planted' kind of girl, and I truly am, but it has been a bit rough lately when the family is at such peace in nature and Katherine wants so badly to run off into the wilderness to live with the creatures. There is a part of me that wants to give it to her, but the other part wants to help her to be in this world, but not of this world.

I have also seemed to come to a point in my life where I cannot see past now. I find it difficult to imagine what more life can bring, than what I have already known. When Father Boris gave the homily on sunday, among many things, there was a part that really struck a chord inside, where he pointed out that we need to pray for peace and long-suffering. If I have learned nothing, it is that much is gained through suffering, no matter how great or small. There is much to be understood, uncovered and brought to light, when forging our ways through this life. If I pray for peace in this long-suffering, which this corporal life has plenty to offer, it will help me embrace all situations. (I am not sure I will be able to really convey what I am trying to say with this, but bear with me the best you can.) When striving to be in this world but not of it, there will be some sort of suffering and in an average life, it will likely turn to a long-suffering. Patience, perseverance and prayer all come with long-suffering, which can turn trials into triumphs where ever the heart chooses to lie. Do I follow a path where life is nothing but stings and arrows causing scars and pain, or do I go to the spiritual hospital for healing, comfort and peace? The choice is not always hard, but keeping the answer to that question alive within ourselves can be more struggle than is always welcome. A peaceful and humble heart in God is what I desire and so I must take up each challenge and joy with the same direction and intent. My emotion will not swallow me, if where I put my trust is in the tried and true measure of prayer in long-suffering. I do believe that it is also perfectly reasonable to think that suffering is not always the picture that we might imagine and can be totally different with each person. Ok, I think that is all I can manage for now, but I may visit it again later.

Well, that was longer than I meant it to all be, and my time is up and I am set to go home so I can head back out the door to go to knitting, yay! I am currently trying a new stitch on a pair of topless mittens. My mommy got me the yarn when we were visiting and I am really enjoying working with it, the colors and texture are superior. Her rule is that she will only get me special yarn if I make something for myself, so this will be interesting and we will see how they turn out. So far, so good!


Mary said...

Enjoyed reading this, as usual! :-)