Saturday, August 11, 2012

Remembering These Years

We are nearing our ten year wedding anniversary next month. The feast day is for Ss. Joachim and Anna, grandparents of Our Lord. It falls the day after the birth of the Theotokos, just like St. Joseph's is te day following Christ's birth. Anyway, this spring, as things started to become more stable with Jay's health and I was feeling a bit like I was awaiting the other proverbial shoe to drop, I decided that, after all that we have been through, we ought to have a nice 10th celebration. I had begun to squirrel away money to try to go up to the cabins we love so dearly, that offer so much peace and quietude. When everthing hit in early May, those dreams seemed farther and farther away, but we were still hopeful. What a blur it has been since then and now we are going to go live in the woods. What a blessing.

You know, during some of these years, as I look back and ponder the days and moments in time that have shaped today's gratefulness, much of it stems from not realizing how we have been living in a state of survival for a number of years. It is easy to say that is what happened when Jay first fell ill, but it has been truly since Jay was spontaneously taken for training, where we spent our second anniversary eating ribs on a military base with our 1 year old daughter, just before he was inevitably deployed for what would become an eight year journey, though he was in country less than a year. One that took us through some of the darkest places of soul searching, patience, faith, and forgiveness. It amazes me that when in times of darkness, even the slightest hint of light weighs in as mercy, and the slightest tinge of brightness, becomes a source of glory and love. Sometimes we cannot tell how long we have lived in the shadows, until we walk through the door that swings wide open and the sunlight comes gushing through and blinds us.

I have not had much attachment to this physical place, this condo, where we live, but I have become rather partial to the journey and the lessons, the people and love. I do not believe it seems sweeter because we are going, but because when you have the opportunity to behold the final product of many years of work and creation, it is an amazing sight. As with any work of art, there are those highlights that stand out, the crowning moments of smooth perfection in one stroke, and those times of struggle and mistake, but it is still our portrait. I imagine that it is like a sun that, through the years, has slowly been setting, only to rise again in a new place. It is a metamorphosis from an encasement of some ragged times, with bright moments, into a new beginning. It has not been all bad, nor do we expect that what will come is going to somehow be perfect, or even great, but it is a change to try our hand at something new; a way to refine our life lessons. I, for one, am eternally grateful for all of my lessons, whether the gravity has lifted me up, or left me to drop and recover.

This year, after a decade of being married to a man who holds me up, when I just want to give up. Being in a marriage where we do our best to allow one another to be who we are, express it, understand one another, and support each others' decisions. We are going to stay at the B&B around the corner from my parents' house, where they feed you based on whatever food needs, or preferences, you may have, and offers a bit of respite from this perpetual rollercoaster of life. He has often said he may not have any friends, get out of the house, or do anything much at all, if not for me and my prodding, so I am going to take him, for both of us.

Glory to God for all things.


heather west said...

Wait a minute. . .wait just a minute. No friends? What am I? Who are we? Chopped liver?!?!?!? I am hot and bothered. Well, it is only about 150 degrees outside right now, but anyway Mr. J-Dawg, I'll just say WHATEVER to the no friends thing. Whatever. There, I said it.

Xen Xen said...

Ha ha! He just THINKS he is anti-social, until he meets people and they get to know him. He has only become good at putting it out there recently, much due to knowing you guys, I am sure. He/we love you guys! Of course, you met me a parking lot, no less, then he got in the mix, so I am like the infantry, and he is like, um, what comes after infantry? Something like intel, or something...I dunno, but you know what I mean!