My Struggles

I have lately realized that I am struggling with, you guessed it, my struggles. I figured out last night that I am uncomfortable with the particular way I am struggling. I want something to be more suited to me, what a worldly way to go about life. It does not seem hard by any means, but it certainly has gotten me in a corner at times. I am sure of what I am made of (or so I think) and lately I have been thinking, "That's it! I just want to be done with it all, why on earth are we working so hard to not see each other?" The things that really suffer right now is the stuff that really matters, the things you might think about on your death bed. You know what they say, you will probably never wish you went to work more often. I think this particular struggle is bothersome and it has taken a bit of time to cultivate and become realized for what it is, I am struggling against myself. Earlier on in life we were always struggling against our circumstance and that is the comfort to which I refer. This particular set, I get to deal with my own reflection. How I do things in my daily life and how that effects me spiritually. I realize that people who are not Orthodox cannot fully relate with my thoughts on this and that is difficult because I feel like it somehow drives a wedge between us. It is not an intentional separation, but there is no stopping it. Yet another struggle, because although people may be able to intelectually understand, it is not an intelectual issue. Whereas a philosopher might take it on as an issue and challenge of the mind and intelect, it is truly a venture of the spirit trying to be closer to God. I think that in our current society we have all become a bit too much mini-philosophers and shrinks in the way that we are taught to discern for ourselves what the issue is and how to solve it, not how to ask God for help in order to grow spiritually and "root-out" the culprit. We wallow in our sin as if to say, "Well, if the shoe fits..." I am no better, my body is very happy in this state as a pig in slop, all the while my soul is striving for betterment and Truth. Glory be to God for the opportunity to right ourselves. I have often thought how nice it would be for everyone to be Orthodox so they might see the Joy that we see, but I know in my heart that if it isn't a personal choice and want to come to the Church, there isn't any reason really talking about it unless people have questions. I am off on a tangent again, what else is new? I think I will go and say until next time.

My little June bug

(I call her my little June bug because it is june and I call her bug a lot.) We went out to the patio this afternoon and sat to watch the birds at our feeder while Katherine ate fresh strawberries by the dripping mouthful. I asked her if she would like to sit and talk with me in the shade and she agreed. I asked her if there was anything that she would like to talk about and she said yes. I asked, "What would that be?"
"Mommy," she said, "I want you to talk about the Archbishop coming."
"Oh," I said, "Sure. He will be here tomorrow and mommy is making cake. I am making a very special cake that will be vanilla with vanilla creamy frosting and fresh strawberries all over the top."
"Yummy," said the June bug. "Does the Archbishop like raspberries, too."
"I think he does, Father Boris told mommy that he likes fruit and strawberries for sure, that is why we got the strawberries," I tell her, "We can add some raspberries if you would like."
She agreed.
"So, Vladika will be here."
"Yes," I said, "It is very special for us to have him."
"Mommy, where does the Archbishop live?"
"He lives in San Francisco, in California."
"Where does Val- Val-..."
"Vladika?" I coaxed.
"Yeah, Vladika. Mommy, where does Vladika live?"
"Vladika is the Archbishop." I go on, "You know how we call Father at church, Father Boris, but his job is to be the priest. So we call him Vladika, Vladika Kyrill, but his job is to be the Archbishop. Does that make sense?"
"Uh huh." she replied.

Oh how I love the logic of a child. What the world would be like if we had a bit more of it!

In This Moment

I am grateful for the things that I never knew I would be grateful to have. I am grateful to not have moved for 2 years...for having time to spend with my family, a job for my husband to keep us at home...I am grateful that, although we cannot fly, we can still afford to drive to see my parents in Oregon. I am grateful to appreciate God's timing better every time I am not pregnant and understand a bit more why that is okay. I am grateful to have a large, growing church to attend even if most of the people speak in Russian and I don't totally understand, but grateful that we have the language of the Church in common...I am eternally grateful that my husband is so incredibly supportive in anything I venture. I am grateful that I am well and can watch my daughter grow. I am grateful for friends, old and new, who make this journey more beautiful. I am grateful for the love in my life and the lessons I learn. I am grateful my parents found the Church and that my husband brought me back to it unknowingly. I am solemnly grateful for all that I have and hope to continue finding more things to add to my list, of which is still lacking many things, but rounds out the idea. I am completely grateful for the little things in life and hope to be forevermore.