Saturday, June 23, 2007

My Struggles

I have lately realized that I am struggling with, you guessed it, my struggles. I figured out last night that I am uncomfortable with the particular way I am struggling. I want something to be more suited to me, what a worldly way to go about life. It does not seem hard by any means, but it certainly has gotten me in a corner at times. I am sure of what I am made of (or so I think) and lately I have been thinking, "That's it! I just want to be done with it all, why on earth are we working so hard to not see each other?" The things that really suffer right now is the stuff that really matters, the things you might think about on your death bed. You know what they say, you will probably never wish you went to work more often. I think this particular struggle is bothersome and it has taken a bit of time to cultivate and become realized for what it is, I am struggling against myself. Earlier on in life we were always struggling against our circumstance and that is the comfort to which I refer. This particular set, I get to deal with my own reflection. How I do things in my daily life and how that effects me spiritually. I realize that people who are not Orthodox cannot fully relate with my thoughts on this and that is difficult because I feel like it somehow drives a wedge between us. It is not an intentional separation, but there is no stopping it. Yet another struggle, because although people may be able to intelectually understand, it is not an intelectual issue. Whereas a philosopher might take it on as an issue and challenge of the mind and intelect, it is truly a venture of the spirit trying to be closer to God. I think that in our current society we have all become a bit too much mini-philosophers and shrinks in the way that we are taught to discern for ourselves what the issue is and how to solve it, not how to ask God for help in order to grow spiritually and "root-out" the culprit. We wallow in our sin as if to say, "Well, if the shoe fits..." I am no better, my body is very happy in this state as a pig in slop, all the while my soul is striving for betterment and Truth. Glory be to God for the opportunity to right ourselves. I have often thought how nice it would be for everyone to be Orthodox so they might see the Joy that we see, but I know in my heart that if it isn't a personal choice and want to come to the Church, there isn't any reason really talking about it unless people have questions. I am off on a tangent again, what else is new? I think I will go and say until next time.


Marfa said...

I know...I personally have thought about this a lot lately. We moved just last year and it's hard to make new friends, I've made some Orthodox friends, but of course some non-Orthodox friends, who I see myself driving the wedge between us further, instead of allowing the friendship to grow. Just because someone smokes doesn't mean I can't be their friend, yes, I don't like it, but maybe they don't either and are really trying to stop. I should recommend that they ask God for help. Another friend I met recently isn't married to the father of their child, but living as though they are married. She is so nice, but am I encouraging her way of life by being her friend? I don't want my girls to grow up thinking that kind of lifestyle is good. I also like having friends. Having few friends is hard. Too bad you live so far away.