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Monday, June 4, 2012

Full of Conundrums and Blessings

I think that, in our current circumstance, one of the hardest things is food. No, not the procuring of food, because we came home with a TON from church yesterday because we 'had' to have it, but food in and of itself. We can't buy the cheapest. We can't afford to buy anything outside of our dietary limitations, because the end result would be a further mess. So, the hardest part is making sure we have all the things we need without breaking the bank, which is precious little these days. We are trying to ride our bikes to save on gas, which is an easy thing to squander, but between heat, wind, a bridge under construction, and an eight year old, we surely have our battle to ride cut out for us.

Let's see, too much heat for red-heads isn't good, couple that with the cost of sunscreen that we can actually use, and it renders us very unlikely to go out for very long during any peak hours, not to mention saving the sunscreen for the girl who can swim across the street in our condo pool for free. Wind, oh the wind! We are decently to the east of the metro city, so I am not talking about breezes, I am referring to the Colorado gusts of magnificent proportions that come at you out of nowhere, and sometimes they just hang around for hours! Who wants to ride in a 15-20 mile an hour headwind, or gusts that set you off balance? Furthermore, construction makes everything all the more interesting, especially if it is one of the shortest ways on bike. I swear it to you, people designing american cities gave so little thought to bike riding convenience and safety, it truly makes me a bit frustrated. Top all of that off with a girl who is strong and capable, but marry it to any one or two of the above mentioned setbacks and I promise you, Chinese water torture has nothing on that of a disgruntled girl. It is certainly put rightly when it is said, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." I can't say I blame the kid, having all sorts of things stacked against you when you are trying so hard to do something. Jay and Kat tried to make their way to get a few groceries on bike just last week and it wasn't any of the earlier disasters that struck, but the rain came, and not a simple sprinkle, but a steady downpour before they were a mere 1/4 mile from our front door.

Suffice it to say, saving gas isn't the easiest of tasks, therefore a few dollars must be allocated to get to where we need to go. We have church every weekend, Kat has a couple family and friends who are sponsoring her in some activities, so she can go to some camps and whatnot that are only offered in the summer; gas simply adds up before you can bat an eye! *Sigh* We will do as we can, it is just a slippery slope right now.

We went in to the VA for the last of Jay's compensation appointments, this was for PTSD. Now, we get to hurry up and wait to see how much sweet time they will take until they decide whether he gets any comp for that and if they will shift his TBI compensation percentage at all. It would be something if we had a timeframe, perhaps, or even whether we might count on getting anything out of it, so we may be able to plan more than a couple weeks into the future. I am throwing all of that caution to the wind, though, because if I think too much about how very little prospect we have in our near future, I may lose my mind, so instead, I am planning things, while hoping and praying that we have what we need to make them happen. My mom is adamant that they will compensate fully this time; I wish she was in charge of the VA comp and pen.

I have been looking for work, but nothing has come of it. It is a daunting task when feeling the weight of your family's survival rest upon your shoulders, all the while making sure that my main trust stays outside of myself, in God's hands. Trying to figure out how to play caretaker, wife, mom, and of what those things entail, while searching for more things to add to that list is a rather tiresome undertaking, I must say. Now Jay says that if we don't have something lined up with an income of any sort in the next two weeks, we will be cutting off all minute extra's and selling the car so we can make our mortgage and such other unavoidable bills, like the phone and hot water.

It all sounds a bit dreary, but all in all, I wish we didn't have to deal with money, because we, as a family, have been doing fairly well. There is always a silver lining in every single storm, I promise you. If you have not seen it ever, I implore you to search your heart and soul to begin to recognise those things that are sacred. Being this broke, without hardly a prospect or a penny, has its upside. I have likened it to a form of dying, wherein the eyes are opened to such a caliber of existence that those things that don't truly matter simply fade away into nothingness. The important things surface and we float along the water's top where the beauty and tranquility are sensed with a new kind of depth and meaning. Glory to God!

We are in the thick of a balancing act where, if we think too much of the future, we cannot see that which is in front of us, but if we think only of today, we fail to be prepared for what may come. It's a very real example of having to expect the worst, but hope for the best. We have absolutely no reason to believe that we won't have some provision for our wellbeing, but we must always be aware that it is not always our monetary and tangible existence that God wishes to increase, but often our character and spiritual strength.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on us! Peace be with you.

4 comments:

Mountain Mama said...

First - HUGS!!!! Second - I know how you feel and I know your struggles. This was our life for 3 years in TN... In the end, everyone was eating crap and everyone was super sick. There was no other way other than to literally starve. Believe me, I know how you feel. There are no glutenfree, dairyfree cheap foods out there... Third - How about being a sales rep? For reals... I need one. Fourth - Food banks. Check ALL of them out. A ton of them have gf foods now... Wholefoods donates to MOST of them in the Denver/burb area!!

elizabeth said...

This is not easy at all.... life sure has lots of challenges...

...I've been there with the running out of money, not getting work...

St. Menas has helped me in the past - here is the akathist to him:
http://dialogues.stjohndfw.info/2010/03/the-akathist-of-the-holy-martyr-menas-the-wonderworker/

and of course St. Nicholas...
http://www.stnicholascenter.org/pages/akathist/

will light my lampada for you and family tonight...

(((hugs)))

Mountain Mama said...

AND most food pantries in Colorado will get you the foods you need if you ask them... <3

peacework designs said...

This sounds like us about a year ago. We have some friends here that live about 15 minutes away and we couldn't go visit them because we didn't have enough money for gas. I remember thinking, 'geesh. i can't even have friends without having a stupid car.' The current world is such a funky place.

I don't really care if you starve or run out of gas. I just hope Jay doesn't have to cut his hair. Are you feelin' the love?!?!?!