Friday, June 27, 2008

Good Vs. Evil

I have been thinking about this particular fast. The Apostles' fast. I have found myself in the first couple of days, struggling beyond belief with simple concepts. Food aside, the toil is sure. Little voices that whisper into my ears that are like the tiny cartoon conscience of older days.
The one voice says, "Ah! The Apostles' fast! It is less than 3 weeks this year, not bad, especially after last years which was nearly as long as Lent. Less than 20 days to get through..."
The other, more raucous voice, pipes up with, "Then WHY do we have to do it? and why is it not relaxed more than it is...mostly only fish days on the weekend....blah! with all the dietary changes in general for us, should we also be exempt...if Jay has a VERY relaxed fast, then why can't I! Blah, blah, blah!"...You get the idea.
The first voice grows louder, "It is not as hard as all that, let God guide you...follow your heart, not your head, things only get mixed up in that silly not let the serpent tempt you...he has no power here unless you give it to him...Come, let us remember and honor our Holy Forefather's of Christ and His church in this time!..."
Today, I feel more prepared, it is like I had to shed a shell of self in order that I might see my way clearly. Well, 'clearly' is subjective...really there is less confusion and I am okay with that. I cross myself when I am hearing the distracting voice of conscience and try to remember quotes from the Holy Father's. So far, these tidbits have been helping, small as they are, but very simple. I do not know much, if anything, but I will have to say that I am grateful that God knows me...He knows my heart, my will and capabilities. I feel as if I am in the burning, yet not consuming, fire of God's love and He reaches out His hand to mold me. Steel is stubborn and does not bend for much, the fire will teach the steel how to be shaped and for which job it is best suited.
There are a lot of people who may think I have completely lost it, but that is their perception. If anyone stands where I am, may they see what I see, may they feel what I feel, may they want the fire. May this fast strengthen and encourage us all, through the prayers of our Holy Father's and Apostles', have mercy on us all.