Swimming in a Massive Pile of Packing

So, we have a plan for getting things done around here, but it doesn't mean it's gonna be easy. In fact, I am feeling a bit swamped and as though I am going to drown in the mess that is our stuff. Jay says I will feel better when the donation truck comes on friday and we have a ton of things gone, and the boxes that are inside, can go in the garage. We have already donated some things to the church if the choose to keep them, packed cookbooks and all of my sewing/knitting bins (but it still feels like too much!), Kat packed some of her more fragile horses, Jay has stripped the hallway book shelves and his own, etc. It just feels like more mess, than progress.

We have to decide what we will actually need, too. Ann already has a number of items in the A-frame because it has been used a sort of guest house, so all of ours aren't needed, but Jay is worried about getting there and wishing we had something we left behind, especially since the size of moving trucks only increases $50, instead of having to replace things for hundreds. I can totally see his point, but once we get there, I really am not looking forward to having to be sure we are uncluttered. This is a huge chance for us to get outta here without so many things. We always try to keep things to a minimum, but they seem to breed like no one's business.

I am trying immensely to enjoy the journey to our new home, but it is increasingly difficult, since we now have a countdown on the books. We expect to be leaving after the liturgy of Dormition (o.s.), aka- Aug. 28. We hope to arrive in Oregon by thursday, unload everything, take the truck back on friday, then send Jay and Kat (minimum) to Platina for the 30 year anniversary of Fr. Seraphim's repose. Both of their Godmother's will be there and Kat has never met hers in person, though even for Jay, he only spent time with her in person 11 years ago. I am happy enough to stay behind to care for the dogs and cat, especially with Ann planning to go. My parents also have made arrangements to go, which they have done regularly since they were close with Fr. Seraphim Rose. He is Godfather to my sister and brother, as well as, another family friend. Needless to say, if they can go, they will.

Oh, and the house itself! We have to decide on whether we rent it out, which we would be most comfortable with if we can lock our % rate on the loan with a refinance, but if not, perhaps a short sale, which looks nicer to me every minute. I know it isn't ideal, but we can't sell it regularly for what it is worth, because we will get hit for a chunk since it never bounced back from the market drop. It has been good for our ARM, because we have such a low percentage, but selling is off the table, unless we want to take out a loan to pay off the rest. The absolute LAST option would be foreclosure, but I am almost positive that one of the other options will work out fine. I just like walking away and starting fresh; we have just had so much pain, illness, and sadness here in this condo. Rest assured, we have had some good times, but this place just makes me think about all the years we spent in some sort of struggle. Between Jay being a workaholic after the war, with little semblance of a marriage and family, to illness that nearly took him from us, and the things that have made their mark on each of us. I am grateful for the lessons, but I am not sure I like the frequent reminders. I am up for some new memories.

Well, here's to new things, but getting there is certainly half the battle, so let's just hope and pray that we keep our sanity in the meantime. Oh yeah, and I promised Kat a birthday party before we leave, because that is all she really requested, so we may combine a going away party with her birthday, just to be sure we see people, even if some of them will still see us again. I figure we will do it about 2 weeks before we leave, that way we aren't crazy busy without time and energy to spend on making sure she gets her fun time.

Ok, that's all...for now.

The Dust Begins To Settle

It seems the dust is settling and we are now in the throes of shuffling things into boxes and trying to stay on top of what we are trying to do, like making realistic goals. It is hard when there is much to be done, but also many people to be seen. I have promised Kat a birthday party here with her friends and loved ones before we leave Colorado. It will probably be in early to mid-august, so that doesn't leave me much time for planning. Along with that, we are going to talk with bank about a refinancing to lock in a good rate, which would enable us to rent this condo while we are living in Oregon. We would also like to spend at least a weekend up north to see friends and family who are in the area, maybe a picnic sort of thing, I don't know. If we are renting out our place, we will be painting and redoing flooring, which will take some time, for sure. All while we do our every day house and family maintenence, we are adding a little something to our daily and weekly list of chores.

There are always things that come up that make it harder to go, or make the getting ready more difficult, but that is par for the course in my experience, I only hope and pray it doesn't get too ugly before we actually leave; I need Jay intact, since he has been so much more stable, and my quitting my job has already impacted him for the better. The poor guy had 2 migraines the first week I went in, but just kept pushing onward and upward, if I was going to keep on. As far as the job goes, I began, then we found all of these things come into place, so we knew it wouldn't last and even said that the end of July would be my last, if I didn't finish sooner. I had a pretty good first week, then everything fell apart, both there and at home, and I kept in contact with the manageent. We mutually decided to let me be done already and be home, so I am super grateful. I did learn a lot about myself and I am grateful for the opportunity, but I am supremely relieved I can be here for my family in this time. Yesterday alone was spent doing 'business' that couldn't be taken care of because I was always so tired and in bed so early, we never had a spare moment to tend the tasks at hand.

There is a family reunion in Portland in 2.5 weeks, but we can't go because I am saving our buddy passes to hopefully fly back to CO in december to see Jay's family and only have to buy one ticket then, but I REALLY want to go to the reunion! There is family there that has never met Katherine, who will be 9 this birthday, because all of our trips have been to So. Ore., or to So. Cal., but I suppose we will just have to make some trips northward to see them when we live there. Still, it doesn't exactly make up for getting to go run and play ball with cousins and second cousins in a park in the middle of summer and eat hot dogs and potato salad. (Can you tell I have memories of doing that very thing?) I miss that a lot. I remember going up there for 4th of July one year as a kid and we didn't have any bases for baseball, so we used paper plates...

Goodness, things seem so much like business as usual, but we ARE packing. We haven't moved since we bought this condo 7 years ago tomorrow! Thankfully we have purged some things somewhat regularly, but it still feels like AGES! What to bring, what to leave, what to donate, wat to sell (if anything), what to do?!!? Such a crazy time of change, I can hardly wrap my head around it.

I know this is the right thing, there is no question, so it is a relief, but I lament how sudden this seems to so many of our family and friends here. I mean, we were only discussing it since mid-May ourselves, and for things to be so elastic makes it feel extreme one way, then another, but that is how things often come about. Any other time I have moved, things have come quickly, only months to do it, and they are undeniably set and perfect, though it feels a whirlwind! I await the sharp sting of what will present itself as our draw to stay, but we must keep our 'eye on the prize' as it were, or else we will get caught in what ought not be. I cannot imagine NOT moving to Colorado. I mean, look at my life and loves! But even then there were people and situations that made it seem unnecessary. If I never moved to the city, what sort of life and sanity would I have? Between church family and friends, we are so incredibly blessed it is immeasurable! It has been my stronghold through these years of trial and temptation. Now we embark on a new adventure, wrought with mystery, excitement, and bittersweetness. Though we love so much of what we have, especially our church family, who have been through every step of our struggles and triumph, it is time to leave the nest. Would that our wings fly us to the far reaches of our depth and the inner reaches of ourselves!

I am grateful for all that we have learned, those whom we have had the opportunity to grow with and love, the struggles and reverence that have availed themselves to us, and the sheer mystery of life, love, people, and God we have come to know. I am looking forward to new growth and remembering that which has formed us to this point. I hope we will continue in understanding and wisdom, though many roadblocks would slow us down. I sincerely believe that we are going toward something great and not away from anything here, so it is a wonderous journey we will have.

What a life, love, and mysterious being!

This is Huge

Well, for the biggest news of the decade in our family: We are moving to Oregon. Good grief, if you had asked me two months ago if I would be saying this, I would have thought it eyond crazzy; seriously. We have been discussing it since we visited in California with my parents. We knew there would have to be a lot of things that needed to come together in order to make it happen, and they have all happened in under a week.

First, we had someone come along and help with all our bills for July, because things were very rough. What a relief when they came! We then recieved a statement telling us that Jay's coverage for disability is now doubled and they'd work out rectifying payment when they got it in order. Next, we spoke with Fr. Boris to talk about our ideas and intentions, to which he said we ought to be close to family, instead of further. I called my mom, who then asked people at church to pray for us. My mom called me a couple days later to say that a woman at church has been praying for a long time to have just the right Orthodox family come live on her 5 acres outside of Ashland, in exchange for helping around the property. Phew! I am talking in the span of about 5 days, this all happened! It was last sunday that my mom called and I told her that I was somewhere between hyperventilating and crying, I wasn't sure how to feel or what to think, only that we are grateful!

We have told as many people as we could in person about our intended move. We have accepted the offer to go live on land and work it and expect to be gone in just a couple of months. We hope to rent out our condo, which will take some effort on our part, I only pray it goes smoothly. Please keep us in our prayers as we make this huge transition. On the downside, we will be missing our friends and family out here, though I continue to think about what we are going toward, rather than what we are leaving. Nonetheless, there are a number of people we have become close with and our church has become a beacon and stability through many rought waters. I want to cry every time I think of having to leave them, but I know we are doing what we are supposed to be doing. If I have learned anything, it is how, when things are meant to be, they simply fall into place, as though they were just waiting for the right time.

Today during the homily, which Fr. Jan gave (which I always look forward to it!), he was talking about the Gospel reading in today's service, which includes the swine who take on the demons cast out of the people, then run themselves to the sea, where they perish. Among many of the things he mentioned, I relished to hear the part about our lives and how, sometimes when God touches it, things don't always look like we imagined, but often, they are far greater than we could ever hope to dream. This is how I see this move. We are meant to go, it is time to be back in the valley. I am older, wiser, stronger, and basically a solidified self, to the point of knowing myself, family, faith, and heart more than ever before. I am grateful for the opportunity to be near my family again, especially with my dad's health in consideration. I thank you in advance for your prayers.

Glory to God for all things!!!

A Bucket of Blessings; A Heart That is Full

Well, since last I have posted, a few things have come to pass. I have completed every portion of my necessary paperwork, copies, drug screen (yuck), and now await the background check to come back for me to begin working downtown. I will be a breakfast attendant at a nice hotel, where lots of business people frequent and they are apparently booked out through the summer. I have mixed feelings about it, but it will pay some bills and even give the possibility for benefits, should I stay on longer than the 90 preliminary period full time.

Speaking of bills getting paid, Jay has been busy contacting people who help veteran's with this sort of thing and we meet on wednesday, as it currently stands. This place should cover all necessities, like mortgage, electric, etc. I know he is relieved that someone is able to get us through this next cycle of bills and it gives us some wiggle room while we await the VA decision, which I hope will be in before August's mortgage (and I pray it is favorable!)

On top of that, we have some wonderful family, and friends who are also family, who have stepped up to help with some extra things. A few things here and there have been great, but I especially appreciate people willing to send Katherine to these little camps she wants to attend. She has already been to one swim session, with her second having started today, a weeklong art camp with multi-media clay creations, helped buy her snacks and pay for the gas to get to and from activities and we are looking into a Victorian Living 3 day camp, so long as they have room left. She really wants to do another art camp, either 3-D or board game making, which is taught by the same teacher as clay, but I told her she is going to have to figure out who she might call to see if they can put a few dollars toward one of them. One is 4, the other, 5 days, and because all materials are there and her classes are 3 hours long, they don't come cheap! Thankfully, as a resident, we do save some money on enrollment, probably because we are taxpayers, or some such.

I so dearly feel loved these days, as it is completely evident by all of the people who are coming to our aide, between giving us things like food, grocery gift cards, money, classes for Kat, moral support and empathy, jobs for me to earn some extra money, etc. From church to friends and family, we are smothered with love and kindness and I am learning to count my blessings even better than I have ever known. Such a blessing.

Yesterday I sat and listened to the homily that Fr. Boris gave. I got particularly choked up as I heard the words he spoke, as though they were meant for, not only my ears, but, my heart. He was talking about praying for our family and friends, and never giving up on anything, because we it is our faith and prayer that help spread God's love and miracles, even when we have no reason to believe something will come to be. I wish I could portray it here, but it is as though the words went into my heart and the door locked them in, to settle in and perhaps never to escape. It may not be exact, but it is what I heard and took away from it.

Oh, I nearly forgot! Kat won a silver medal in her hand form at the ICMAC tournament in Parker!!! Her goal was to medal and feel proud of her Kung Fu, both of which were accomplished, and I am pleased. The morning was bumping getting things squared away, but it all went well after that and it was such a pleasure to see her bring her game face. She even went first!! All of the kids did a great job; they worked hard and did well. I had squirreled away a few dollars to take her out to lunch afterward and I am grateful I didn't have to break that promise due to something else taking that money's place. :) She wanted asian food, of which she ordered hot and sour soup and fried rice. What an accomplishment!

Ok, I think that is it for now. I will try to update as things come, but my schedule begins REALLY early in the morning (which makes things interesting for transport, but that is an entirely other post), 5 days a week, and I may not have the faculties to put it out there as often as things change, but I do hope to be more recent than the past time between postings. Hugs and love to all! Glory to God for ALL things!

A Continuation of Thought...

One of my favorite things in the world is going to church. The sights, smells, and sounds, through prayers, candles, and incense, bring an array of memories and thoughts, both from the past and those that are being made. The immutable calm of the services that entreat the soul to open and bud, like the perennial flowers of the heart, warm the innermost being and soothe the greatest troubles. Whether it is a flow of soft tears that wring out discomfort that the world has begun to nest in us, or the quiet beauty in the constancy of the Alpha and Omega in the various ways we are enveloped in God's omnipresence. I strive to understand, not only in my mind, but mainly in the heart which is not of my making, and stand in awe of the messages that seep into me to form the story that is to the glory of God. To hear the Words spoken with such intent and received with an even greater gravity that touches me to the very core, He slowly and deliberately etches out my path. Unfolding before me, I am taken to places I have only dreamed existed, and I come to rest by the shores of still waters, where I may see my reflection and search within in hopes of finding the glimmer of light, life, and hope which He has set there.

A Marriage of Thoughts

I sang in a lovely wedding this afternoon at church, which was fairly full considering it was friday afternoon. The bride is Russian and the groom is American, both Orthodox. Such a wonderful adventure to embark upon; it made our wedding surface in my memory of all those years long ago. I guess that is part of what is nice about the simplicity and traditional service of marriage in the Orthodox faith, because it is so familiar when everyone has the same prayers, epistles, and Gospel read for them. Yet, while having them all the same in service, it is somehow different every time I am privileged to attend or participate in.

Just like the feasts of the church revolving in sacred manner throughout the year with purpose and staunch focus in an effortless suspension, so does the beauty and power of the wedding ceremony. The experience, though hardly unique, causes a perfect union of mind and soul perpetuating growth and understanding. Whatever place we are in, wherever we seem to find ourselves in our lives, there is something there to speak to our hearts and draw us in. I keep going back for the clues that keep piecing together to make the masterpiece of His making. Beauty, grace, love, and perfection abound, though I often delay its full effect in my limits and brokenness. In opportunities like these, I am supremely grateful for the gentle lessons and blessings that are apparent, helping me to see with the eyes He created, not those that I have fashioned for myself.

Glory to God for all things! Peace be with you.

Full of Conundrums and Blessings

I think that, in our current circumstance, one of the hardest things is food. No, not the procuring of food, because we came home with a TON from church yesterday because we 'had' to have it, but food in and of itself. We can't buy the cheapest. We can't afford to buy anything outside of our dietary limitations, because the end result would be a further mess. So, the hardest part is making sure we have all the things we need without breaking the bank, which is precious little these days. We are trying to ride our bikes to save on gas, which is an easy thing to squander, but between heat, wind, a bridge under construction, and an eight year old, we surely have our battle to ride cut out for us.

Let's see, too much heat for red-heads isn't good, couple that with the cost of sunscreen that we can actually use, and it renders us very unlikely to go out for very long during any peak hours, not to mention saving the sunscreen for the girl who can swim across the street in our condo pool for free. Wind, oh the wind! We are decently to the east of the metro city, so I am not talking about breezes, I am referring to the Colorado gusts of magnificent proportions that come at you out of nowhere, and sometimes they just hang around for hours! Who wants to ride in a 15-20 mile an hour headwind, or gusts that set you off balance? Furthermore, construction makes everything all the more interesting, especially if it is one of the shortest ways on bike. I swear it to you, people designing american cities gave so little thought to bike riding convenience and safety, it truly makes me a bit frustrated. Top all of that off with a girl who is strong and capable, but marry it to any one or two of the above mentioned setbacks and I promise you, Chinese water torture has nothing on that of a disgruntled girl. It is certainly put rightly when it is said, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." I can't say I blame the kid, having all sorts of things stacked against you when you are trying so hard to do something. Jay and Kat tried to make their way to get a few groceries on bike just last week and it wasn't any of the earlier disasters that struck, but the rain came, and not a simple sprinkle, but a steady downpour before they were a mere 1/4 mile from our front door.

Suffice it to say, saving gas isn't the easiest of tasks, therefore a few dollars must be allocated to get to where we need to go. We have church every weekend, Kat has a couple family and friends who are sponsoring her in some activities, so she can go to some camps and whatnot that are only offered in the summer; gas simply adds up before you can bat an eye! *Sigh* We will do as we can, it is just a slippery slope right now.

We went in to the VA for the last of Jay's compensation appointments, this was for PTSD. Now, we get to hurry up and wait to see how much sweet time they will take until they decide whether he gets any comp for that and if they will shift his TBI compensation percentage at all. It would be something if we had a timeframe, perhaps, or even whether we might count on getting anything out of it, so we may be able to plan more than a couple weeks into the future. I am throwing all of that caution to the wind, though, because if I think too much about how very little prospect we have in our near future, I may lose my mind, so instead, I am planning things, while hoping and praying that we have what we need to make them happen. My mom is adamant that they will compensate fully this time; I wish she was in charge of the VA comp and pen.

I have been looking for work, but nothing has come of it. It is a daunting task when feeling the weight of your family's survival rest upon your shoulders, all the while making sure that my main trust stays outside of myself, in God's hands. Trying to figure out how to play caretaker, wife, mom, and of what those things entail, while searching for more things to add to that list is a rather tiresome undertaking, I must say. Now Jay says that if we don't have something lined up with an income of any sort in the next two weeks, we will be cutting off all minute extra's and selling the car so we can make our mortgage and such other unavoidable bills, like the phone and hot water.

It all sounds a bit dreary, but all in all, I wish we didn't have to deal with money, because we, as a family, have been doing fairly well. There is always a silver lining in every single storm, I promise you. If you have not seen it ever, I implore you to search your heart and soul to begin to recognise those things that are sacred. Being this broke, without hardly a prospect or a penny, has its upside. I have likened it to a form of dying, wherein the eyes are opened to such a caliber of existence that those things that don't truly matter simply fade away into nothingness. The important things surface and we float along the water's top where the beauty and tranquility are sensed with a new kind of depth and meaning. Glory to God!

We are in the thick of a balancing act where, if we think too much of the future, we cannot see that which is in front of us, but if we think only of today, we fail to be prepared for what may come. It's a very real example of having to expect the worst, but hope for the best. We have absolutely no reason to believe that we won't have some provision for our wellbeing, but we must always be aware that it is not always our monetary and tangible existence that God wishes to increase, but often our character and spiritual strength.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on us! Peace be with you.