Tuesday, August 9, 2011


I have been gliding along through the summer activities and have done rather well, I think. I have realized that I have hit the wall, finally. I am tired and just want to hang around. I am ready for the relaxing part of the summer to set in. I am grateful for all of these opportunities for everyone to do, but I think we are at our limit.

I think it began when we sort of started our break early with going out to Oregon for the wedding and spending Pascha and Bright week away from home. It was nearly impossible to get ourselves back into school routine, but things have gone alright. I can't really complain about things, not really. I am just weary and I suppose after 2, or so of struggling with serious health issues and complications that fluctuate like the tides, with a few doozies, this past 9 months has been nice to be steady and more predictable, but we are almost making up for lost time.

I have decided that I am in recovery, but haven't figured it out until recently. My role as intensive caretaker has diminished, but my mind has not completely reverted back to pre-illness mode. It doesn't take a lot these days to drain my reserves, whether it is mentally or emotionally. I think I need to ride my bike more often, but if I am not getting up early enough, it just isn't happening. I need a vacation, the kind where I don't have to worry about schedules, money and other peoples' needs. Sometimes, it is just nice to be at home, alone.

I have a lot of healing to do and things to come to terms with. I have lost, or in some respects shed, a great deal, had the entire existence of our lives change nearly completely and gained a lot of insight and understanding. With God's help and my little family, we are coming out on the other side of things, but letting go of some of the tools that were necessary before can be harder than it seems.

Life is a process, I am well aware, but the things that seem to change in our lives tend to swing the pendulum to the far reaches and leave me reeling. In short, we met, I moved, we got engaged, got married, had a baby, he got laid off, signed up for reserves, got another job, then got a great job and we moved, he got deployed, we all went into survival mode...this span of time covers about 3 years and we have been in some form of survival ever since. Jay's ptsd has been treated and he manages himself and his newly shifted abilities quite well. In retrospect, I am finding that I need to sort out where I have landed after such an amazingly tiresome journey, for which I am grateful.

If you don't see me much, in person, that is, it will likely be due to my need to do some personal house cleaning, but also getting things done around the house without feeling like it is all about to topple over.


JrWhale said...

I hear ya. Totally.