I Will Think of You

When you are gone
The birds will come
With memories of today
Lit upon their wings
And I will think of you

Many days will pass
But I will remember you
When the birds come
Bearing the gift of sweet reverie
And I will think of you

There will be a time
When the call will be undeniable
I will hear the voice of Eternity
I will heed its call
And I will think of you

When I am gone
Birds will visit where I lie
Perhaps find someone to remind
Of the days we have had
And they will think of me

Flickering and Fleeting Life

In the brightest of days, the flame of compunction is washed out by the presence of such light and can be lost to the flood of immensity. Alas, when the Sun wanes to give way to the evening of time, we see the flame grow brighter and begin to see that which it illumines. What was once shone in greatness dims into a flickering reverie with but a glimmer and thought of yesterday. The increase of evening brings a quiet calm that offers respite and reproach that calls the spirit home again. Coolness settles upon the hearth of the soul and a stark reflection peers back from the faded glass that rests above it. The constant, glowing, and triumphant flame that has been left unattended, draws the bearer ever near with a longing and devout heart, a weeping soul, and a stout resolve.

In the darkness of the night, our light is our beacon of hope, truth, and the Way we ought to go. Though each of ours may show a different path, they are all kindled from the great, Eternal and Ever-Living Light, in Whom is no change, nor shadow of variation (James 1:17). It is in this darkness that we stand before the Cross, varied flames alit in procession, we draw closer to the tree that bears all Creation as it moans in distress calling out to the Father of Lights. In suffering, there will be gain, but a relief and calming of the pains of suffering is most ardently sought after. Still before the approach of the magnificent and triumphant Dawn, though we cannot feel its warmth and splendor until we have made this journey through the night, we walk with hearts uplifted and eyes downcast, yearning for knowledge, not of Good and Evil, but that of Peace.

It is the fruit of a tree which tempts our fateful Ancestors into unwittingly choosing separation from God, and, likewise, a tree bearing no fruit and has given its own life to hang upon it His only-begotten Son, which reunites us. The fulfillment of all, sprung from the humility of One, generations in the making, though timeless to the Maker. A breath, even a wisp, is this fleeting life we flail about to grasp onto, and then it is gone from us, as our flame is either put out, or rejoined once again in Communion with our great Father of Light, Who illumines our path; the Son, Whose humanity adjoins Heaven and Earth; and the Holy Spirit, Whose omnipresence comforts all who flee to Him for refuge.

May our efforts as we struggle, through prayer, confession, humility, and alms-giving teach us to better tend the flame that we are entrusted. May we strive to keep the flame tended in others, who have grown weakened by the fight, with our prayer, love, and kindness. May our pitfalls be numbered, only to be outdone by our turning in humility to the giver of Life, with a longing to be set free of our self-made bonds and reunified with all Creation. May Peace find us more agreeable and able to accept the Truth of its great Mystery. May this great and Holy lent be fruitful, remembering that all in the orchard, vineyard, and gardens, needs attendance, regardless of ability and strength. Though the laborers be diverse, it is the endurance and steadfastness of the heart which will carry each of us to the harvest and we will reap what we have sown, or lack thereof, for ourselves, as well as others.

Peace be with you always and at this midpoint of the glorious fast wherein we will learn more of our character and secure a bit more of ourselves to our faith, while loosing the bonds we have woven for ourselves in this life.

A Great Many Things

I have been giving a lot of thought to a great deal of things lately, but certain things especially have caught my mind in a way that have their own particular importance. Firstly, I have been thinking an awful lot about this move. It has occurred to me recently that we have finally surfaced in our journey westward and found some semblance of normalcy. One might imagine it not taking 6 months to have something like this come about, but when we factor in the reinventing our home after leaving a great deal behind and finding a way to incorporate trips to town to balance life on the farm, it is more than many may consider in a move.

So, we are here. I mean, we are really here now. We have rhythm, which we have yet to hone, but that will come in time. We are finding our niches here in the mountains and home, with each person's talent and penchant being all the more useful because we are supplementing one another, but also because each person is unique at any given time in life. For example, Kat is extremely interested in the creatures and I am sure she will master the art of creature keeping before too many months have passed, then she will move on to other farm adventures that strike her fancy. Jay is immensely helpful in all things out of doors and that require manual labor, though I may be apt to help from time to time. I do many indoor chores making sure that we have dishes to eat the food I make, but Kat has also tasted the sweetness of preparing food for the family with the satisfaction and accomplishment she feels when she has completed the task.

It is for certain that when necessity makes itself known, there is a way to either overcome it, or work around it; if it is necessary enough, you will find a way, but if it is not, it may simply fall by the wayside and you may wonder why you ever thought you needed it. There is something that awakens the generations of ancestors past when we have a hand in each piece of our livelihood. We are eating the goods we canned, many of which were hand-picked by us last summer, though all were hand prepared and sustaining us now. We are also trying ourselves at making a number of other homemade items, like kraut. It is good for the body to have naturally cultured kraut in so many ways, it leaves me wondering how I ever could have lived without it!

Goodness, I am nearly off on a tangent, as I am prone to wandering amongst! Ok, so all of that is most important, but I want to touch on the part where I mentioned giving things up way, way up in the first paragraph. Even at the very last minute, though we had already given as much as we thought was necessary, with the prospect of having plenty to supplement upon our arrival, we were faced with having to rid ourselves of even that. We were intending to have a much larger trailer than we ended up fitting behind the car, because the rental company said we should be fine with the larger of the two; this was not the case. Half-loaded, we realized we would have to get the smaller trailer and it also meant we had to decrease our belongings by HALF! Yes, we did. Many items went to dear friends and neighbors, as they helped load us up, but plenty went to donation as well. When push came to shove, I looked at the boxes and items sitting about, as Jay went to return one trailer for another, and all I could think about was that the only things we needed were to be able to eat, clothes to wear, Kat's things (she had done SO well in getting rid of a great deal), and our church books, icons, etc. This is what showed up with us, while nearly everything else stayed behind to be dealt with by friends.

This brings me to the next subject of my thoughts: friends. Such an invaluable source of comfort in time of need, an ear when we are either struggling or triumphant, someone to share all things with, no matter what. God gives us each person in our lives for many reasons, many times to learn the truth about life and love, but our friends are especially significant, we also choose one another. They are ourselves without knowing; a mirror of love, life, reflection, joy, peace, heartache, pain, perfection, simplicity, and yearning. We find each other on this path in life where we seek solace and understanding, through smiles and tears. They are someone who sees and hears what we hope another can glean from our own hearts and listens intently as we wind our way through these roads where life can take us. Without friends, this life would be bleak and our relationships would be so lacking and unfulfilling, but it is not true. When we pursue peace, love, happiness, and truth, and our hearts long for respite in this world, we often find a true friend where we least expect it.

It is this time in my life when I am capable of seeing the indescribable beauty and mercy in those whom God has seen fit to outfit us in this life. The love, generosity, thoughtfulness, and challenge our friends have offered is so great, I am at risk of being overwhelmed by these amazing people. Tears of joy and gratefulness have often threatened to burst through my daily countenance and makes themselves known, and on occasion they have, but we have more than enough to occupy us, it is rare I can truly take in all the wonders that are our friends. I have often thought that it is better we make our family our friends and friends our family, so that where the two meet it is indistinguishable. There is no tie that binds more strongly than that of love and understanding, which sets its feet in with one and takes ahold with the other. Therein lies the mercy and love of God, in our relationships that are given, created, and oftentimes challenged, we grow together to learn of greatness and wonder at perfection.

Thank you to all who have offered patience, love, and understanding through many transitions in life, where they are always prevalent. We have an abundance for which to be truly and utterly grateful in a world of confusion and despair, we have all of you. Growth in love and peace is my greatest desire for all of you, to be so incredibly blessed as we are.

A Home and A Dream

I want a little home on a piece of land to grow things every which place I please. A place with trees in the yard for climbing and bearing fruit. On long, hot summer days, I want a porch to prepare my canning fruits and vegetables while Kat is swaying along in the swing in a tree.

I want a wood stove in that home, where I sit and knit on cold winter nights. A little chimney that puffs out the tired leftovers from the fire that blazes to keep us warm. I want a root cellar to keep all of the things we have grown throughout the long season of fruitful abundance.

I want a place to grow old, where my grandchildren will come to sit and hear stories on my lap. I want long and winding paths that take me out of myself and into a dream of the life and age to come.

Perhaps one day.

A Little Something

I asked Kat the other evening, forgiveness sunday, to be exact, what great lent means to her. Her response was certainly not what I expected, when she stated, "I am going to try not to be fussy so much....and my favorite part is...PASCHA!!!" She has had very little instructional learning on the subject, yet she completely gets it, as much as an 8 year old kid can, through the living cycle of the Orthodox faith. I adore that she did not mention the foods, or how long, but that her attitude was the focus. She will pay attention to her moods, which will be quite a boon, if she finds a way to meter herself a little better. Being an only child, who is a girl, can be rather difficult, but she is managing well enough.

During this period of the great fast, we will focus our eyes inward, toward the willful person who rears their head when it is easy, or because it can, and the heart will subdue the blatant tendencies of the carelessness we all possess. In every look, breath, and moment, it is hoped that we will see our own plank and stop looking at the speck in our brother's eye. May it be to us for cleansing, growth, and perseverance in all things; God help us in this journey.

May I have strength to be selfish in my criticisms of anything but my own shortcomings, generous in the sharing of what God has given as gifts to us all, peaceful toward everyone I am in contact with, however difficult that may be, but please forgive me if I falter.

"O Lord and Master of my life!
Take from me the spirit of sloth, faint-heartedness, lust of power, and idle talk.
But give rather the spirit of chastity, humility, patience, and love to Thy servant.
Yea, O Lord and King! Grant me to see my own errors and not to judge my brother;
For Thou art blessed unto ages of ages. Amen"
Prayer of St. Ephraim

Hair, Birds, Baby, and Seeds...Spring Must Be Afoot!

Thank you to all who have given love, concern, and prayer during Kat's illness, she is on the mend and I am certain it is nothing short of your care that she did not get as bad as it was looking there for awhile. She has recovered to nearly her old self again and is looking forward to her first haircut since spring, which will be around lunchtime today. I have explained to her that, since she has such thick hair, she is not able to have a simple, blunt bob like many of her friends, much to her chagrin, but she is content to know that whatever she chooses, she just has to have it layered. She thinks she will go with a short, layered, a-line bob. Sounds like a lot for an eight year, but she has more hair than I have ever encountered in a child! Her hair isn't coarse, just fine, like mine, and tons of it, like her dad! Anyway, I hope to take pictures while we are there and maybe I can share.

We went out and about to the thrift stores yesterday to find some deals and were rather successful. I was hoping to find more that could be used as a gardening tub, or makeshift sort of thing, but we did well in other ways. Jay found some things for the cold weather, including some Smart Wool socks for .50 cents a pair. I found a couple shirts and Kat found herself a Pascha dress! It is her size, with a full skirt, white with really pretty polka dots, and it fit! She will have to wear a shirt underneath because its neckline is a bit plunging (especially for a kids dress), but she has a narrow frame, so things don't fit like they were intended. She loves it and so do we, which is what matters, plus it was $4!! Score!

I can't believe it is cheesefare week again...already! Well, in our house, since cheese and all dairy is always out, it is just eggs, eggs, and more eggs, which is fine by us, we love eggs! I have promised Katherine crepes/blini all week long, since the next eggs we have will be after the celebration of the Divine Liturgy on Pascha, in the wee hours of the morning, when we receive our dyed red, blessed eggs from Fr Boris at the veneration of the Cross! Phew! That is a mouthful and so we eat eggs this week...and some fish. This sunday will be Forgiveness Sunday, which I always love, but I anticipate little, compared to usual, the impending lenten cycle. I always love it, don't get me wrong, but things are so different this year, it is hard for me to wrap my head around it all. I have been taking a little girl to her daycare on weekdays, will be attending the birth of our friends newest addition, trying to read a lot more, work on projects, etc. My focus is so shifted that I am trying to keep myself grounded and looking to the reality of things, while firmly realizing just how contrasting this year's reflection is finding me.

I am anticipating things greatly, but until our friends baby is born, I am suspended in a purpose outside of myself. I hope to be prepared and readily available when the hour comes. My excitement is beyond me, to the point of surrealism. It is almost disbelief that it can be happening, and that it was only yesterday she told me they were pregnant, but that was ages ago, in reality! I look at the ironing board that houses the partially finished diaper bag I am making for them out of an old wool sweater from Goodwill, that I have felted down and cut into shape. I hope the end product is lovely, but I am sure she will be happy with whatever. For them, I pray for good weather, low-traffic times to get to the birth center, good health day for her husband (he has similar symptoms as Jay many days), and the most perfect midwife in attendance, someone who really puts them at ease.

On a completely different note, there have been tons and tons of Robin Red-Breast birds around this winter. I have seen trees filled to the brim with more birds than I have seen in one place in my life. I have noticed that every year around here there seems to be an influx of a certain creature, be it snakes, caterpillars, in this case, birds. I marvel at the perfection in it all, as I am sure there is great purpose in it.

We ordered some seeds from Baker Creek Heirloom Seeds yesterday and I can hardly wait to start them! I think I have mentioned before that we like to start seeds during the first week of great lent each year, when we can get it together. We are gathering supplies and things appear to be on course. Among the seeds, we have chosen dragon tongue 'green' beans, two carrot varieties, wild strawberries, purple Russian tomatoes, dwarf pak choy, various herbs, lettuce, chard, kale, spinach, radishes, and nasturtiums! Where will be put it all, you may ask!?!? Well, we are devising ways to grow without taking up too much space, among which, we found an upside down tomato hanger at the thrift store for $2, and we are always on the lookout. We are trying to maximize our space to yield the best production. We will also be giving some of the seedlings away, since I love to watch things sprout and grow, but my heart of greens is bigger than my own garden! I am particularly looking forward to what we get from the beans and tarragon this year.

Well, I think that is all for now, but I will be back again soon, Lord willing, and the creek don't rise, as a friend says. :)

Such a Life

I suppose that purposeful morphing is somewhat better than sporadic changes, but I am such a person of such long periods of living in a decidedly internal dimension, that I find myself emerging without having known I entered. It is somewhat odd, I think, to be submerged into oneself in such a way, even when you are certain that the same aspect of you is still you, however distorted. It is an interesting life, that is absolutely certain!

I look around and see how constant so many other people are, how they appear to stick to themselves in ways I have not known. I cannot say for sure whether that is a good thing, I have simply made the observation. In one way, being a more seemingly steady person in this world shows a stability that is highly desired, in some cases. What gets me is how I know the constant current that runs through my heart that calls for the ebb and flow of the envelopment of transformation on whatever level it is needed. What is not seen in me is the perpetual and vibrant life song that courses through my being, though I am changeable to this world.

As I have said, I cannot say whether it is good, but I am sure that it is perfectly suited to me and my journey in this life. I am assuredly blessed beyond words and imaginations, therefore my gratitude grows in the maturation of such times of contemplation and self-discovery. What mercy I have been given, what blessings are abundant, what life that God has given me. It is a blessing to see the wonderment and magnificence. Glory to God for all things.

Spiritual Revelation and Peacefulness

In the book I am reading by St. John of Krondstadt, there is a portion which struck a chord. It discusses early on how we must prepare ourselves to be firm in our convictions when we ask anything of God. We must be bold and unwavering, knowing that everything seen and unseen, possible and seemingly impossible, are all in the realm of God's omnipotence. I found myself realizing how little faith I possess, no matter my thoughts on the subject, and have thought, "And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:24, KJV) My heart has been weak, but "...he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 COR 12:9, KJV) In this weakness and these trials I have come to learn the faintness of my own heart, the changeable nature which I perpetuate, but it is glorious, because in my understanding, I have peace, hope, direction, and clarity!

"It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found." (Luke 15:32, KJV) I feel just like this in many ways of my being, that I have been renewed, yet again, by God's grace, love, glory, and teachings. Just when I have thought it was exhausting to be in this life, to be dragging myself around from time to time, day in and out, God has shown me much mercy and comfort! If could tell you what awaits a person who stays the course of the fast and how the feast day is magnified in the heart and soul, you would never fall away and would always choose to be close to God. By no means do I have any perfection in me, but the growth and life of my every fiber is held up and made whole by the God of love, peace, joy, and all things that make the heart shine in unceasing gratefulness and plentitude.

May you all be so blessed as to know the utter existence of the King of Peace. Love to you all and happy feast of St. Seraphim of Sarov (o.s.)! (Please know that I was writing this in some haste, so if you would kindly forgive any clerical errors, I would appreciate it.)

A Little Update

We got a lot of powdery snow in the night and the high was below freezing today! It is Colorado in January. I went and had coffee with my Nook to read for a bit, before going to Joann's for fabric to make the cloak for our reader. I have to be nearly non-existent on wednesdays, since Kat is so happy with her time she has with her papa. Today wasn't any different, so I was gone for that much, then home again to eat and gather my things to go knit. I have been out of the house most of the day, returned in the 6 degree blanket of night, and I am about ready for bed.

I read some of two different books today, both of which are spiritually geared. I began with First Fruits of Prayer, by Frederica Mathewes-Green, about the Canon of St. Andrew, as a journey through it during great lent. I really like reading it, so I find it challenging to put it down, as it flows well and draws the reader in. It is set up to be read by anyone, which makes welcome those from various backgrounds, not simply other Orthodox Christians. I also read some more in 'My Life in Christ, or Moments of Spiritual Serenity, of Reverent Feeling, of Earnest Self-Amendment, and of Peace in God', by St. John of Krondstadt, and I find it serious, purposeful, dense, and amazing. I am not sure how it differs from the other title, 'My Life in Christ', but perhaps I will find out. It may be the longer version, I don't know. It is accurate while discussing a wide range in life. As I sat in the coffee shop, I read a short section and nearly cried, because I saw myself in what was being described. It is an honest work that I find gentle and even calming in a time like now. It is hard to describe, but it is all of what I need just now.

When I got in tonight, Jay mentioned that Kat was cuddled up with a blanket and more tired than usual, and even volunteered herself for bed. Something is going on with her physically for her to be so cooperative. She is either fighting off a virus of some sort, or she is low in iron. She has been asking for meat since the feast and that is unusual, as she is our veggie girl, so it makes me wonder if she is low in something specific, and I know protein isn't it. The diet has drastically changed for her since Nativity, but that is as simple as having cornflakes for breakfast instead of hot cereal. It may even be a combo of the two possibilities. I was reading up on the iron deficiency and the symptoms fit, but so do other things. It sites poor iron absorption, rapid growth, and lack of iron in food, all of which may be cause for her possible lack. She has recently had a pretty big growth spurt, we haven't had as much green leafy's around as we are getting low on funds a week from payday, and I remember reading that people who don't process the red color in beets and flush it out, may have trouble absorbing iron. Hmm, I suppose that the next day or so will tell what is going on with her, I hope. I think we will have a green smoothie for breakfast, which is likely to help either possible issue, so we shall see.

There are 3 women I know who are due to have babies within just weeks of one another, between late february through early april! They are all expecting girls and they all have not expected to getting pregnant, either at all, or again! Did I mention that at least 2 of them have march birthdays, but the other one, I don't know hers, but I am beginning to think it may be march, just by default. Wow! I *heart* babies! I am super excited and happy for all of them.

Well, off to bed, for now.

The Twelve Days of Blessings, Thus Far

Hello, all! We have had a spectacularly amazing Nativity and these past few days have been rather uplifting and cleansing. Uplifting because there is a reprieve that comes after a long fast that is not associated with the food at all. I felt it during the liturgy, even got choked up with the beauty of the feast during the homily, before we even ate, so it is certainly not food related. If it feels like this to struggle this whole life toward God and His kingdom when it is time for eternal repose, I will take it. Though it is fleeting in this earthly vessel of mine, I am so grateful for the presence at all. I cannot remember a feast since Pascha that has been so rewarding and challenging, but here you have it, with great risk and struggle comes a rushing sense of glory and newness that supersedes all humanity and time. What a blessing to be a part of the Church and her Mysteries!

In other news, we are cleaning our house. We are approaching it as if we are moving and getting rid of absolutely everything we don't need or love. It will be good to begin with things freshly, I think. After everything we have been through, finding some stability and routine in this house is very welcome. Things have been upside down since Jay fell ill and, though I am grateful for so much therein, I have to say, I will be glad when we have purged this place of a lot. I am looking forward to feeling the way the condo will be with fewer things and more openness. Kat has been particularly helpful today, as she is usually a bit sentimental, but she has taken things more in stride this go round. Whether it is because she is a bit older now, or that she spent time at a friend's house who have 4 kids, where she has gathered some perspective, I care not one bit! I am supremely grateful for that, no question.

My Taiji is coming along and I can feel how it helps my muscles and overall structure. I know it is helping me heal from all these years of stress and care taking that have taken their toll. I feel more youthful and stronger, so it will aid me in being a better mom and wife. I have learned much and yesterday one of my forms clicked on and felt more natural, so I am pleased. I will be learning an individual sword form, but also one that is with a friend who is also taking class, so it will be interesting to see how we interact with our forms and swords at the same time!

I am wanting to create things and have a few projects in the works for knitting and always have ideas for sewing. One of our readers from church will be traveling to Kosovo at the end of the month and, when he saw Kat's Christmas cloak, he asked for one, because the church where he will be serving does not likely have heat, so we are looking at material and patterns tomorrow before my volunteering shift at church. It shouldn't be anything too much to make, but I hope we find just the right pattern so it is perfect. When someone requests something, I seek perfection, though it can only be so much. I also know 3 people who are having babies in the same 30 days as one another, all GIRLS! Seriously, I am glad that 2 of 3 projects of knitting is nearly done!

I can't forget how we are doing our traditional coupon cards in the wooden carved Nativity/Holy family box like we do. Katherine LOVES it and looks forward to a new card each morning, as we think of something to add while she is asleep. She has already redeemed the first, which was her choice of dinner and family movie. She loves it so much, she made each of us a coupon for having a date with her to whatever WE (Jay or I) want. I am amazed so much as she grows, the way she fully grasps the feast days, it is heartwarming and validating as parents.

Well, I think that is the most of it for now, but I am ever blessed for the feast day and those that have ensued. glory to God for all things!!!! I am anticipating great lent quite keenly, but somewhat because I am looking forward to the reading and services. Until then, I will take what I can with peaceful days with family, house cleaning, friends, crafting, blogging, and living a blessed life!

What a Day!

Let's see, today is my baby sister's birthday, though she is all grown and not so small anymore, she will always be my baby. Funny about the things we think about and hold onto from childhood. I took her with me to our coop preschool when I was 3 and told everyone she was MY baby, even then, so why would now be any different, right? She is now married, the mother of my two adorable nephews, and a remarkable woman, indeed! She has made it through so very much in her life, I hope that her boys are all a blessing to her in these years to come, as I know she is for them. Happy Birthday and Many Years, my lil sis, Caitlin Veronica!!!

In other news, I went shopping for food for the Nativity Feast (o.s.) this morning after breakfast with Kat, who got her own money to chose items. After which we came home, walked the dogs, got ready and went out the door for a TBI appointment for Jay, at the VA, then home again to gather Kat's things to go to Kung Fu and dance, while I stayed home to cut out and sew a hooded red fleece Christmas cape for the girl, all before they got home! Phew! I am nearly done, I only have minor details to work with, like what sort of closure to use at the top, whether I want to trim it with something, etc. I only hope it is not too long, or too wide in the shoulders. She is a narrow girl and it is easy to lose her in clothing that is too big around!

To those of you who have recently commented on here, I tried a number of times to reply, but it has been choppy, at best, but I just want to say thanks, you are much appreciated :)

Currently, I am reading Till We Have Faces, by C.S. Lewis, his take on the Greek myth of Psyche and Cupid; and, A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens, which I like MUCH better than I expected. All of the classics that we were expected to read, but made my eyeballs droop, were of a variety that never really spoke to me, at least not then.

This week I need to step up my game to get things done for Nativity, because then it will be our 12 days of Christmas that we try to keep and then Theophany and house blessings. I am knitting a red cape for Kat's American Girl doll to match hers, so I hope to finish soon.

All the best to all of you out there!

The First Post in 2012

Well, it is officially 2012, on the civil, and popular, calendar. We went to church today, had a lovely time, where I sang, met new people, introduced them to friends as I had to run to choir practice, helped serve food on my way there, and wondered about life. Such a propitious sort of day, I think. I came home, mostly in good spirits, though late in the day, read some of A Christmas Carol, while Kat wiggled around and Jay got dinner going. We watched a movie together as a family and sent the girl off to get ready for bed. She emerged from getting her p.j.'s on to scale the countertops finding her handmade mug, boil water, and set her infusion to steeping, all on her own...she's 8, people! Did I mention that she set the timer so she would know when it was ready to drink? She is pretty great, I only hope that I can live up to being her mom, the way she is being a funny, talented, funky, and smart kid.

Oh boy, what a day, but really, what a week! After being sick like I was, I can see why people write of being deliriously outside of themselves when they are ill. I can remember it all, so I can't have been too far gone, but it was fairly miserable, more than I have been in quite some time. I realize that, when I am, or have been recently, sick, I have a different sense of clarity in life, in general. I found myself saying many things, thinking far more, and having randomly interspersed dreams that were bordering reality in a fever-induced slumber. Technically, I am well again, though my physical health is of little importance, and I am sure that my life will squander on, if I continue in this way, but, if I pursue, I will find that which is tangible on the shroud's side of paradise.

Something I was dreaming about today, is how nice it was when we were in California and I was writing regularly, with something of some such import as to compel me to pen a word or two. However, being home, I am at a loss, these recent days, even weeks. We are busy, I am paralyzed through my own inability to make time to say something about the day. Possibly because it is dreary, rather than uplifting, this late in the fast, but I still would like to be more creative with that more often.

One more thing and I will be done for the night: We had the churching of 2 sweet little babies today! I LOVE a baby churching, with bitty little selves all wrapped in white, being presented as new members of the church family, through prayers and love, they enter into the Body of Christ. Lord, have mercy on us all. The second baby slept through the most of it all, but Maria, the first, was awake, alert, and gazing at angels as she was being presented. My mom always said that when babies are looking, but at what, we do not know or see, they are most surely watching the angels as they surround them. As I saw her tiny face so peaceful and content, I could think of nothing else, but of the angels that particularly fill the churches during the liturgy. Beauty at its simplest and finest.

Pivotal Purposing

You know, you would think that having your husband back from a deployment that was admitted as something that 'never should have happened', would be adjusting and carrying on, life as usual, in some respect. I will tell you that this is rare in most cases. My husband that left right before our daughter's first birthday is not the one who came home. That man was molded into someone who was not supposed to feel, just do. He is still in there, but there is damage that only I can see sometimes, because he has only ever been fully himself in his life with me.

You might imagine that time heals all wounds, but what if you never get to face them because things like work, life, raising a child, subtle ptsd, family, and time just seem to pass you by, whether you have come to any terms, regardless. It has now been 6.5 years, through a deployment, work, life, sudden and life-threatening illness, that I am beginning to feel myself again. Yes, I have learned a great deal more than I ever thought was possible in such a short time, but how does a person go in one side, only to come out the other side over half a decade later?

We are forever broken in this life. We have health complications that may never clear up, only be managed, we have one child, when we had hoped for more, we are covered in woe, it would seem, but for the Church, I would have drowned in that woe. If not for God's people, knowingly or not, we would be sunk in a pit of life. If not for our trials, I may still have a list of earthly fears. What would seem so pitiful, has transformed us into that which is focused on God, His angels, Saints, love, perfection, etc., what more could we ask? I am grateful to have made it back at all, though I look at the scars in my worldly persona and I sigh. From the dreadful depths have we come, but none but God can understand its extent.

God is good, no matter the circumstance, for we can never know the purpose in our struggles at the time that they come. We do see Eternity with Divine eyes, but mortal ones, which can play tricks on us. My life is but a passing flame, in a world of embers and coals, would that I find a great purpose, to the Glory of God.

Tossing and Turning

It is times like now when I begin to feel the doldrum of this life. While I understand that the past 33 years of my life have gone by in nearly the blink of an eye, I find myself wading through the days, imagining all of the monotony to come. Day in, day out, sameness. Nothing to truly inspire me, as I fill my days with meaninglessness that pervades my every fiber. I am horrible at being anything truly useful, for if I were a proper vessel of God, would I not find more purpose? Would I not assume the position gracefully that has been rendered unto me?

It is not for me to understand, it is for me to muster motivation, perseverance, and courage, in these shadowy times of struggle. These mires of discontent and self examination do have a place, but I hardly can delineate what they are to become. I have a feeling of just wanting to throw in the towel, because what use is my day to day, but then the voice emerges from the depths of my heart that says, "Yes, surrender! Throw in the towel of this life, this earthly existence! Do away with the bland and meaningless, give in to the Eternal and Divine!"

How, oh, how?!?! It seems when the feet are bogged down by the muck and mud, it is easier to let oneself sink, but for the Glory of God, I would be a complete sunken mess. If not for God's radiant and permeating love and compassion, I would find myself in the absolute pit of self-destruction. In His mercy and kindness, I am in the midst of caring, support, and love, that I am so enveloped, I can see nothing else.

My greatest desire is to find peace, resting in His all encompassing perfection once again. May this fast in preparation for the King of all, bring fruits of the spirit to calm, quiet, and direct my latent potential. For if I do not know Heaven on earth, what hope do I have of Eternity?

Heavy Tides

I feel so much inside myself, that it seems my words could not explain. It is rather plain, but still so complex. I make that of myself, for sure, but it is magnified at times. I hear my thoughts resounding in my heart and head much more clearly, but find the unrest both comforting and disquieting. A torn person within myself, not so easy to find the answers. Somehow, at the very same time, there is a peace tugging away, as an undercurrent of my overture making for a picture that commands both calm and magnanimous images. It conjures up inside the part of myself that gets passed among the tides, with an effortless ebb and flow, calling my name eerily. This reverie of life crosses my thoughts in images, colors, and smells, but where shall I land? That I may awake on Your shores of Eternity....

Chrysalis of Life

I was thinking the other night that we are all like a caterpillar, here in this life. We have our fleshly needs, our simple understanding, as we amble along. We are drawn toward becoming fattened; metaphorically, with life, love, and wisdom. As we find ourselves turing inward, this is the moment where a caterpillar begins its cocoon. As we rest and conserve, there is a sense of contemplation, solitude, and growth. In leaps and bounds, our souls are transformed, as in the last days of our lives, we attune our sensibility to the next step in what will become of us. As we are closer to the release, the cocoon provides a more lucid view of that which is around, while still a part of the same body we once knew. The pupa fades away into a life reborn into its eternity. The soul flies away, on the wings of the butterfly, whether it is fed on the fruits of wisdom and love, or ignorance.

This caterpillar's life is the tangible function, like the humanity wherein we are clothed. It is like the veil in which we are draped before we become a butterfly, as our bodies are released from one corporal life, into the spiritual. We do not always know what awaits us, but we can be certain, it will be more than we ever imagined, because how can a caterpillar expect to understand flight, until it goes to its tomb inside the chrysalis? So too, a human cannot conceive of the immeasurable life beyond our flesh, without first dying to this life, to become ready for flight.

Glory to God in the Highest, Who Loves His Flock

When we strip away the layers of who we believe ourselves to be, right down to the absolute core of our innermost beings, what will we find? If we take away our logical explanation and listen to the heart's reaffirmations, what will we hear? If we do not like what another is doing, we cannot change it, but ask for God to work in our own hearts and convert us from thinking we know what is right, for if God is truly the God of all, then who are we to assert we can know best for another in matters of the spiritual? If we strip away those outer shells of our conscious knowledge and examine what we find inside, our neighbor may have a soul more pure than anything we can imagine, though we have not understood his actions, practice, and presence. God is omniscient, we are not. To pretend that we are is presumptuous, indeed, for any of us.

In the end, I doubt we will be asked if we were right, but rather, have we known God, Christ, and the Spirit. Did we follow His commandments, do His work, and offer ourselves in service to our fellow man, our neighbor, who is Christ. We are all, in one way or another, a different reflection of the refracting brilliance of God's love and purpose, so rather than quarreling with one another, Christian or not, perhaps emanating the love and life God has given us, we may find peace in His arms, where we may ask Him to direct our steps toward proper understanding.

St Seraphim of Sarov is known for saying, "Save yourself and thousands around you will be saved." In essence, meaning that if we work on our own spiritual growth and gifts, we have God flowing in us and through us, offering a multitude to those around us, thus assisting in being an example, but also benefiting in practice toward our brothers and sisters. If we cultivate our own understanding and focus on our own weaknesses, we do not have the time to muddy anyone else's waters. This is my own crude understanding, but I think it fits. The spreading of the Gospel is not always done with verbal interpretation, but through contact and action with others. We are given to one another to strengthen ourselves and one another, to carry one another when we are weary, to clothe and feed those without, to give selflessly of ourselves in the same manner that the ever burning love and light of God indwell us always, in this life and the next. If He is not with us now, in intimate unity and fullness, how can we expect to know Him when we die. For, as a person who flies toward the sun, we cannot expect to be of ourselves, in separate existence, when we meet. If our souls truly be eternal, we are given this life to regain our wholeness with God here and now, so that when we die, we are rejoined immeasurably. Just as life is a journey, not a destination, so too, Heaven is not a physical place, separate from us, Heaven is God within us, living and working within the soul.

"With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body, and one Spirit, even as ye are called in one hope of your calling; One Lord, one faith, one baptism, One God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all." Eph. 4:2-6

Please forgive me, a sinner.

"They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick.
But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." Matt. 9:12-13

Glory to God for all things!

Stuff and Nonsense

This is one of those times when I have nothing, and everything, to say. I am floating onward, however, very little upward action seems to be happening, but I may just look down at some point and notice a ascent. There is a bit of a reprieve right now, as things, though busy and fairly hectic, are offering a lull of peacefulness amidst the din of daily life. It is a bit of a calm, but I am not expecting a storm, because, in reality, that seems to be the order of each day, so normalcy can hardly pass for something stormy. It is what it is, but church, family, and knitting keeps me sane-ish.

I have been daydreaming again about having a soup kitchen one day. It is something very dear to my heart and, God willing, I hope to somehow accomplish it before I die. Some people dream about where they will live, maybe where they will travel...I think about serving soup to people who don't have much. I dream about knowing them on a first name basis and that somehow we will learn from one another, in this whirlwind of life; perhaps give me some glimpse into the face of God, or that I may offer my heart, which He gave me and tends, to those who come. I even imagined staying open all night long, if we had to, so 'they' wouldn't have to go out in the seriously cold temperatures that Colorado so bitterly offers us nearly every year. So, of course that leads to the having of beds and such places. And the daydream grows into an entire story.

We are trying to wake up at the same time every day now, so I had better get myself off to bed. Until next time.

I love this!

‎"Our life depends on the thoughts we nurture. If our thoughts are peaceful, calm, meek, and kind, then that is what our life is like. If our attention is turned to the circumstances in which we live, we are drawn into a whirlpool of thoughts and can have neither peace nor tranquility."
~Elder Thaddeus from 'Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives'

Mish Mash

Well, the family is up in Greeley with Jay's folks and I am here at the coffee shop, sipping a latte. It is always bittersweet when we are apart. On the one hand, I enjoy the freedom of not having to always schedule everything and I can be spontaneous. On the other hand, I haven't got anyone to tuck in at night and watch an evening show with. I suppose it serves to give me appreciation for having them around and it won't be so hard when Katherine says, "Please, mom, just one more book!" After already having 2 more books! I love that she wants to be read to, but sometimes I am tired at her bedtime, so I push myself to do read another, so long as they aren't terribly intricate.

That girl loves the library and I am so pleased! Even if she isn't a fluent reader, just yet, I am so glad that she thinks that books, the library, and reading are super fantastic! She will do anything to get to go to the library, even so much as clean, so I know it is important. The favorite book right now is called, The Snow Globe Family. Very cute and funny. It is about a 'big' family (humans) and a little family, who live in the snow globe. All the snow globe family wants is for it to snow again, like it used to, but the big family has forgotten all about it, everyone except Baby :) You will have to check it out to find out the rest. Just what the world needs; creative, fun, appropriate stories for kids of all ages!

Taiji is going well. It is a nice outlet for me. It is helping with my posture and strength, which I really need. I have always seemed to have poor posture, but the older I get, the more I am realizing how much I will appreciate good posture into my later years. Katherine is also getting quite good at her Kung Fu, where she is advancing along quickly. She and I are both supposed to test at the end of the month. Taiji doesn't really have belts, but it is more of an accomplishment sort of thing. Traditionally, Kung Fu doesn't either, but it is this way to give status and keep track of people's ability, I think. My favorite stances that Katherine does are when falls back (you'd have to see it to really get it, unless you are familiar), and empty stance. Her long legs and svelte body do some justice to these in particular.

So far, I like 8 better than 7, but maybe it was just the year for us all. However, since she has turned 8, Katherine has been more articulate and I can see how she is growing into a thoughtful young girl. One of the things that makes me happy, as her mom, is seeing her learn something new from a friend and, rather than feeling like her friend is outshining her, she gives credit where it is due and will work harder to be good at it too. I have seen this in her Kung Fu, where there is a girl, Lizzie, who has been in class one month longer than Katherine, so also is more progressed. Sifu also helps all the kids take correction well, there isn't a class pet, who is somehow the example, they all have their own forms that they do well, some that aren't so great.

Another thing that I am enjoying about Katherine is when I heard her read, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, to my youngest goddaughter, who is 2.5. I think if she had a younger sibling, to give purpose to reading books, she'd be further in her reading skills, but for now, this is great. (The goal is, and always has been, to develop a love of reading, without pushing too much. So far, so good.) When I was about her age, maybe a little older, I remember reading to my younger brother and sister a number of bedtime stories. I can't tell you how many times I read out of the enormous Busytown book, because it was my brother's favorite. Those are some good memories and, as I look back, we were sort of like in Peter Pan, telling stories into the night.

I would love to give Katherine a sibling with whom to play, read, and share her life. That is not our lot these days. When people would ask after we were first married how many kids we planned to have, I would tell them, "We would like to have at least one of each, and if it take 12 girls to get to a boy, so be it! Or vice versa, but we will just take what we get." It is much easier to say, when you are married for month, that you are willing to accept the children that God blesses you with, as you imagine the endless possibilities. It is much harder, when you are married nearly a decade and have one beautiful child and the hope begins to dwindle with age and life. It is a challenge to accept that, when you say you will take whatever God gives, that sometimes it is nowhere near what you imagined, but that the blessings in between are for greater purpose. Oh my, what a heart full of heaviness and gratefulness.

Well, if we ever can, we would adopt. Katherine is all over that one, but the girl doesn't quite get that it necessitates time and paperwork. Perhaps we are getting closer to something like fostering to adopt, or domestic adoption, however, I am not choosy. The benefit of growing up with a love of babies and being a babysitter and nanny, is the developing of a heart that can love any child, no matter what.

On another note, I may go see a movie with a close friend tonight, where they let you take margarita's into the theatre. Jay would really like me to do something like that, but I know that he will only want me to, if I am up for it. I am trying to decide. I am leaning toward going, but we will see what I end up with. I am still feeling a little heavy from the week of death and funeral. I don't think my internal clock has completely reset, but it just may be me, lingering in thought.

I think that is it, for now. I think when I write next, I will be posting about the funeral. There is a beauty in all the services of the Orthodox faith and the passage of death, funerals and burial, are no exception. Until then...