Chewy Thoughts

Ok, so I have been thinking a lot lately, big surprise, right? I am the sort of person who thinks about things, but they often become real when I talk them through and I am ever grateful to my dear husband for his patience and willingness to listen. I do have to begin by saying that, at times, I have to preface our conversations with: "So, I don't need you to do anything, or fix it for me, I just want you to hear me out." He is such a good sport, I think I'll keep him. So, after all of my blathering, I will have a point, it will begin below, I just wanted to set it up like this, because that is just me.

Imagine, if you will, a receptacle, like a cup or bowl. Now, I want you to think of it being filled, are you with me? Good. When I think of this vessel, I often visualize what it is like to be filled with the Holy Spirit, with God and His Church, etc. You catch my drift. The other day, I was talking with Jay and seemed to articulate that when I picture this in my head, I also see how it can be tipped and spilled, just as it can be filled. It made me envision it as more subjective, rather than steadfast and unchanging. I do believe that change and growth are necessary, but it is the vessel which should be molded, rather than the content and perception of such.

In earlier posts I have touched on how I am in a transition sort of state at this time, so, in my mind, this is what has been churning. As I gave more time pondering and talking to Jay about the above mentioned idea, it seemed to settle in and progress into this next concept.

Now, picture that the vessel is a conductor, for something like electricity, but in this case, I mean for God. If I act as a vessel, in the first example, which tips and gets upset, I hardly stand a chance to continue keeping the levels full and satisfied. If I perceive that my vessel is to act as a conductor, I will always be full, though it will may be possibly be thought of as this bit from Revelations, "I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last." -Rev. 22:13. There can be no end or beginning if there is a constant flow of energies and, in this case, a synergy with God. I avail myself to be a vessel wherein I accept that God will work through my unworthy hands and heart, to offer to whom it is meant.

This is to assert that, to be open; heart, mind, body and soul, there will follow a filling Whose source cannot be found, nor contained, and never ends. A fullness that cannot truly be described with words and will come to fruition with a life in Christ. It is not to say, however, that being full is always comfortable, or easy, or even welcomed, for that matter. But, if we do strive to always be accepting of God's Divine will for our lives, we may come to a point where even the most uncomfortable and painful aspects in our lives, become as a flowing existence, rather than simply an obstacle to overcome. That all circulates in a fashion that offers peace in every breath of our journey.

I hope I have conveyed my thoughts without completely alienating anyone, or being too redundant. Peace be with you.

Old Previously Unpublished

This is an unfinished bit that I wrote sometime ago, maybe 1.5 years. I thought I would repost.

I have been thinking about death a lot lately, prompted by two separate funerals. The first was last thursday, a dear old man, the servant of God, John, who lived quite a life as he fought in WWII, had a family and was a devout Christian. I think there is much to be said for how a faith reacts to and treats its dead. Since we knew John, it was more touching to be present there. Fr. Boris left after communion the sunday prior to go see him, he announced that John was on his death bed and to please pray for him. It was barely a couple hours later that John's soul departed him and his body laid there without breath.

Monday there was a Pannikhida, or Requiem, service for him and another on wednesday when his body was brought to the church before the vigil for the feast of the Circumcision of Our Lord. Following the vigil, the Psalter reading began for the evening. There were pairs of people signed up to read the Psalter over the body as we await the funeral service the following day, I had the 4-6 am shift. Although I did not sleep well, I was well enough to pop out the door and make it there on time. The church was dimly lit with few candles, one in hand for reading, some at the foot of the coffin and another next to the icon of his patron, St. John of Shanghai and San Francisco. The time went quietly by amidst the trading of reading, but what a wonderful tradition to keep, the psalms are so very human, yet they are what the soul speaks.

After the Liturgy, the church was full of many family and friends for the service. The choir sang, the priest prayed and the deacon petitioned with prayer to the Lord our God to accept his soul into His eternal kingdom and to give him rest. There was a swell of emotion as the music and words gave picture to the lamentation of the people. At the end, though I care for both Elizabeth (the widow) and John himself, I found myself imagining that it was not he who was in the casket, but my own dad. I know it may seem strange, but I could not help it and it is not so far from what will be some day, we will all enter this path at one time or other. All the things that ought to be said or done came rushing into my mind, but none of them seemed to be words that needed to be said, but rather action and a few tears welled to the surface as I tried to shove them down.

Fr. Boris announced that it was time to give the last kiss and that since we know that the soul and his guardian angel were present there with us, we make our peace, one final goodbye. We venerate the body, as we are made in the image of God. He held a large cross in his hand, and icon of his patron saint was laid in with him and a simple crown of paper with prayers on it. I stepped down from the kliros (where the choir sings) and made way for the line to venerate one last time. Elizabeth was first, as it should be, and as she held his hand and pressed her face next to his everything switched and that is where I was consumed by the love of this woman for her husband, her love, her life and everything she has known for decades has changed. I imagined saying goodbye to my dearest love and we have not even have a whole decade together, I cannot imagine her sadness after so very long. It is all as if to say, "Good bye dear husband, father and friend, we will miss you incredibly but may you rest now, in peace, may he lead you beside the still waters..."

Everyone said their goodbyes, which includes Fr. Boris, and his prayers at that point made me think a little. The part that stood out was where he referred to John as his spiritual son and it had never occurred to me that for Fr. Boris, it is as if he is losing a child of sorts. A prayer was rolled into a scroll and placed in John's hand and the body was then dressed with a facial shroud and one for the body, followed by a blessing in the sign of the cross in oil poured out over him. The coffin was then closed and taken out to the car for the transport to the cemetery as the choir was singing, Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal, have mercy on us!

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

Alright, so I have been giving it some thought and have decided that one of the things where I am being afforded a lesson, is how to truly love your neighbor, but in my case, it is how to love your Christian neighbor. I know quite a few people, of varying backgrounds and lifestyles, but the people for me to most difficulty relate with are other Christians. In general, other Orthodox Christians don't fall into this category, but I have struggled with finding common ground, as well as, acceptance and beauty, in Christianity outside of the Orthodox realm.

When I have approached things from a cranial perspective, as in the beginning of trying to understand the teachings and perspectives of Protestants and Roman Catholics, it has only left me unsatisfied and sad, literally. There are plenty of people out there who also lend themselves to making it difficult to want to understand their beliefs, though I am surely no exception to this, particularly in my early days and when my emotions sneak in to jade things. In any case, my approach from a simply human and intellectual platform, led to disappointment.

I would say that when I began praying for people in their afflictions and simply focusing on my the plank in my own eye, to the best of my ability, with God's help, my understanding broadened and a seed was planted. I have found that Christ has revealed Himself in all people, in varying fashion everywhere. I have found a new facet of peace and faith within the context of loving one's neighbor in an entirety that I could hardly fathom.

I am grateful. This journey is a rigorous, beautiful one and I am glad to be on this path, though I may slip, I pray it is all to the Glory of God.