Heart of Hearts

Break open your heart
Let in all love and light
Adorn the walls therein
Covering all with prayer
Seek peace and simplicity
Open wide the windows
Welcome the change and flow
Unlatch your heart's door
Gentle kindness awaits
Eager anticipation wins
While contentedly we watch
He brings unity, peace, and love
In Grace

Flickering and Fleeting Life

In the brightest of days, the flame of compunction is washed out by the presence of such light and can be lost to the flood of immensity. Alas, when the Sun wanes to give way to the evening of time, we see the flame grow brighter and begin to see that which it illumines. What was once shone in greatness dims into a flickering reverie with but a glimmer and thought of yesterday. The increase of evening brings a quiet calm that offers respite and reproach that calls the spirit home again. Coolness settles upon the hearth of the soul and a stark reflection peers back from the faded glass that rests above it. The constant, glowing, and triumphant flame that has been left unattended, draws the bearer ever near with a longing and devout heart, a weeping soul, and a stout resolve.

In the darkness of the night, our light is our beacon of hope, truth, and the Way we ought to go. Though each of ours may show a different path, they are all kindled from the great, Eternal and Ever-Living Light, in Whom is no change, nor shadow of variation (James 1:17). It is in this darkness that we stand before the Cross, varied flames alit in procession, we draw closer to the tree that bears all Creation as it moans in distress calling out to the Father of Lights. In suffering, there will be gain, but a relief and calming of the pains of suffering is most ardently sought after. Still before the approach of the magnificent and triumphant Dawn, though we cannot feel its warmth and splendor until we have made this journey through the night, we walk with hearts uplifted and eyes downcast, yearning for knowledge, not of Good and Evil, but that of Peace.

It is the fruit of a tree which tempts our fateful Ancestors into unwittingly choosing separation from God, and, likewise, a tree bearing no fruit and has given its own life to hang upon it His only-begotten Son, which reunites us. The fulfillment of all, sprung from the humility of One, generations in the making, though timeless to the Maker. A breath, even a wisp, is this fleeting life we flail about to grasp onto, and then it is gone from us, as our flame is either put out, or rejoined once again in Communion with our great Father of Light, Who illumines our path; the Son, Whose humanity adjoins Heaven and Earth; and the Holy Spirit, Whose omnipresence comforts all who flee to Him for refuge.

May our efforts as we struggle, through prayer, confession, humility, and alms-giving teach us to better tend the flame that we are entrusted. May we strive to keep the flame tended in others, who have grown weakened by the fight, with our prayer, love, and kindness. May our pitfalls be numbered, only to be outdone by our turning in humility to the giver of Life, with a longing to be set free of our self-made bonds and reunified with all Creation. May Peace find us more agreeable and able to accept the Truth of its great Mystery. May this great and Holy lent be fruitful, remembering that all in the orchard, vineyard, and gardens, needs attendance, regardless of ability and strength. Though the laborers be diverse, it is the endurance and steadfastness of the heart which will carry each of us to the harvest and we will reap what we have sown, or lack thereof, for ourselves, as well as others.

Peace be with you always and at this midpoint of the glorious fast wherein we will learn more of our character and secure a bit more of ourselves to our faith, while loosing the bonds we have woven for ourselves in this life.

A Few Days Early...

I know it is still yet early, since this is read for the Paschal Homily in all Orthodox church this sunday, as with every Pascha, but I love it so dearly, I wanted to share it now. It is a good reminder that it matters not when your heart is turned toward God, but rather that it simply matters and will be embraced. As our deacon, Fr. Jan, said today (in summation), lent and Pascha come, whether we participate or not, but at whatever hour we draw near, it is still received in love and understanding.


"If anyone is devout and a lover of God, let them enjoy this beautiful and radiant festival.
If anyone is a grateful servant, let them, rejoicing, enter into the joy of his Lord.
If anyone has wearied themselves in fasting, let them now receive recompense.
If anyone has labored from the first hour, let them today receive the just reward.
If anyone has come at the third hour, with thanksgiving let them feast.
If anyone has arrived at the sixth hour, let them have no misgivings; for they shall suffer no loss.
If anyone has delayed until the ninth hour, let them draw near without hesitation.
If anyone has arrived even at the eleventh hour, let them not fear on account of tardiness.
For the Master is gracious and receives the last even as the first; He gives rest to him that comes at the eleventh hour, just as to him who has labored from the first.
He has mercy upon the last and cares for the first; to the one He gives, and to the other He is gracious.
He both honors the work and praises the intention.
Enter all of you, therefore, into the joy of our Lord, and, whether first or last, receive your reward.
O rich and poor, one with another, dance for joy!
O you ascetics and you negligent, celebrate the day!
You that have fasted and you that have disregarded the fast, rejoice today!
The table is rich-laden: feast royally, all of you!
The calf is fatted: let no one go forth hungry!
Let all partake of the feast of faith. Let all receive the riches of goodness.
Let no one lament their poverty, for the universal kingdom has been revealed.
Let no one mourn their transgressions, for pardon has dawned from the grave.
Let no one fear death, for the Saviour's death has set us free.
He that was taken by death has annihilated it!
He descended into Hades and took Hades captive!
He embittered it when it tasted His flesh! And anticipating this, Isaiah exclaimed: "Hades was embittered when it encountered Thee in the lower regions".
It was embittered, for it was abolished!
It was embittered, for it was mocked!
It was embittered, for it was purged!
It was embittered, for it was despoiled!
It was embittered, for it was bound in chains!
It took a body and came upon God!
It took earth and encountered Ηeaven!
It took what it saw, but crumbled before what it had not seen!
O death, where is thy sting?
O Hades, where is thy victory?
Christ is risen, and you are overthrown!
Christ is risen, and the demons are fallen!
Christ is risen, and the angels rejoice!
Christ is risen, and life reigns!
Christ is risen, and not one dead remains in a tomb!
For Christ, being raised from the dead, has become the first-fruits of them that have slept.
To Him be glory and might unto the ages of ages.
Amen." ~ St. John Chrysostom

Church and My Punky Princess

Tomorrow is meat fare sunday, also known as Maslenitsa in the Russian community. There is meat galore, as it is the last day before Christ's Resurrection that the faithful will partake of meat. There will also be blini in abundance, as it also begins the Butter Week, or Cheesefare, since everything besides meat is allowed for one more week, until we arrive at Forgiveness Sunday, the day before Great Lent officially begins, which is always on a monday. I have been asked to make some gf/df blini for the merrymaking tomorrow afternoon, but I don't know how much I will get done with my girl being sick. When I am finished writing this up, I will go mix up a batch to sit, so by the time I get to cooking them up, Jay will be out of bed and with the land of the living and I won't be on call for Kat.

The poor girl started out thursday morning not being able to get warm so she had a bath and, by the time I returned from a couple errands, she was flushed with fever. I dosed her with elderberry syrup, vitamin C, garlic, and echinacea/astragalus kids blend and by that evening her fever had nearly vanished. She had an epsom salt bath, with a little bit of oil (to keep her skin soft) and lavender added, to promote relaxation, but is also anti-bacterial and anti-viral. My biggest concern was whether she would sleep the night, or if she would get sick then. She had eaten breakfast that morning, but not nearly as much as usual, but then nothing else the rest of the day. Night is usually when it is the worst, who knows exactly why, but she always has hard nights, it seems. She did have a moment where it threatened to get icky, but nothing came of it and she slept the whole night without much trouble. She spent most of yesterday laid up, watching movies and sleeping, while sipping water, bit by bit. She was doing pretty well and asked for her tummy tea and then thought she might be ready for some yogurt, which she stomached fine, but that was it for the day. Her body is fighting hard on this virus. She says her legs are sore, she's tired and completely without appetite, but is more worn out than sleepy tired, however, she has just fallen asleep again, after waking at 5 a.m.

All in all, Glory to God for all things! It is a jumbled weekend, but I am grateful for all of our resources, friends, and my little family. Jay is really helpful when it comes to his girls needing him, so I count my blessing, of which are more than I have fingers; let's hope I never forget it! I think that is all I have for now, especially since the computer already froze up on my once while trying to post this. A blessed meat fare to all!

Spiritual Revelation and Peacefulness

In the book I am reading by St. John of Krondstadt, there is a portion which struck a chord. It discusses early on how we must prepare ourselves to be firm in our convictions when we ask anything of God. We must be bold and unwavering, knowing that everything seen and unseen, possible and seemingly impossible, are all in the realm of God's omnipotence. I found myself realizing how little faith I possess, no matter my thoughts on the subject, and have thought, "And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:24, KJV) My heart has been weak, but "...he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 COR 12:9, KJV) In this weakness and these trials I have come to learn the faintness of my own heart, the changeable nature which I perpetuate, but it is glorious, because in my understanding, I have peace, hope, direction, and clarity!

"It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found." (Luke 15:32, KJV) I feel just like this in many ways of my being, that I have been renewed, yet again, by God's grace, love, glory, and teachings. Just when I have thought it was exhausting to be in this life, to be dragging myself around from time to time, day in and out, God has shown me much mercy and comfort! If could tell you what awaits a person who stays the course of the fast and how the feast day is magnified in the heart and soul, you would never fall away and would always choose to be close to God. By no means do I have any perfection in me, but the growth and life of my every fiber is held up and made whole by the God of love, peace, joy, and all things that make the heart shine in unceasing gratefulness and plentitude.

May you all be so blessed as to know the utter existence of the King of Peace. Love to you all and happy feast of St. Seraphim of Sarov (o.s.)! (Please know that I was writing this in some haste, so if you would kindly forgive any clerical errors, I would appreciate it.)

The Twelve Days of Blessings, Thus Far

Hello, all! We have had a spectacularly amazing Nativity and these past few days have been rather uplifting and cleansing. Uplifting because there is a reprieve that comes after a long fast that is not associated with the food at all. I felt it during the liturgy, even got choked up with the beauty of the feast during the homily, before we even ate, so it is certainly not food related. If it feels like this to struggle this whole life toward God and His kingdom when it is time for eternal repose, I will take it. Though it is fleeting in this earthly vessel of mine, I am so grateful for the presence at all. I cannot remember a feast since Pascha that has been so rewarding and challenging, but here you have it, with great risk and struggle comes a rushing sense of glory and newness that supersedes all humanity and time. What a blessing to be a part of the Church and her Mysteries!

In other news, we are cleaning our house. We are approaching it as if we are moving and getting rid of absolutely everything we don't need or love. It will be good to begin with things freshly, I think. After everything we have been through, finding some stability and routine in this house is very welcome. Things have been upside down since Jay fell ill and, though I am grateful for so much therein, I have to say, I will be glad when we have purged this place of a lot. I am looking forward to feeling the way the condo will be with fewer things and more openness. Kat has been particularly helpful today, as she is usually a bit sentimental, but she has taken things more in stride this go round. Whether it is because she is a bit older now, or that she spent time at a friend's house who have 4 kids, where she has gathered some perspective, I care not one bit! I am supremely grateful for that, no question.

My Taiji is coming along and I can feel how it helps my muscles and overall structure. I know it is helping me heal from all these years of stress and care taking that have taken their toll. I feel more youthful and stronger, so it will aid me in being a better mom and wife. I have learned much and yesterday one of my forms clicked on and felt more natural, so I am pleased. I will be learning an individual sword form, but also one that is with a friend who is also taking class, so it will be interesting to see how we interact with our forms and swords at the same time!

I am wanting to create things and have a few projects in the works for knitting and always have ideas for sewing. One of our readers from church will be traveling to Kosovo at the end of the month and, when he saw Kat's Christmas cloak, he asked for one, because the church where he will be serving does not likely have heat, so we are looking at material and patterns tomorrow before my volunteering shift at church. It shouldn't be anything too much to make, but I hope we find just the right pattern so it is perfect. When someone requests something, I seek perfection, though it can only be so much. I also know 3 people who are having babies in the same 30 days as one another, all GIRLS! Seriously, I am glad that 2 of 3 projects of knitting is nearly done!

I can't forget how we are doing our traditional coupon cards in the wooden carved Nativity/Holy family box like we do. Katherine LOVES it and looks forward to a new card each morning, as we think of something to add while she is asleep. She has already redeemed the first, which was her choice of dinner and family movie. She loves it so much, she made each of us a coupon for having a date with her to whatever WE (Jay or I) want. I am amazed so much as she grows, the way she fully grasps the feast days, it is heartwarming and validating as parents.

Well, I think that is the most of it for now, but I am ever blessed for the feast day and those that have ensued. glory to God for all things!!!! I am anticipating great lent quite keenly, but somewhat because I am looking forward to the reading and services. Until then, I will take what I can with peaceful days with family, house cleaning, friends, crafting, blogging, and living a blessed life!

Reading, Church, and Sleep

I finished reading A Christmas Carol the other day, which I am rather pleased about. I liked the story, but I also enjoy the way Dickens writes. It is fluid, with information, but not so much as to make eyeballs want to pop out on their own. Okay, so maybe that is an exaggeration, but there are some books I have a hard time getting into because they carry on and on about things that are particularly unimportant to me. I imagine everything, even with only slight detail, so think about what that does to my brain, if I am left dragging through a great many nuances that clog my imagination. Again, I embellish a bit, but you get the point. I think it is a talent for a writer to be able to keep the attention of the reader, as well as moving the storyline along at a perfect paces, in order that the story unfurl comfortably.

Well, now that I have gone into all of that, I will mention that I started to watch the most recent version with Jim Carrey, starring as Scrooge, in the cartoon. I was telling Jay that, while it follows the story well, it seemed rather shallow to me. Listen to me, I sound like a snob! That being said, I think that many people have a voice to lend a character, but it is true skill to be able to portray the essence of the person from the book and bring them alive. I believe I am at risk of becoming one of those people who can 'enjoy' and be 'entertained by' movies that have been books first, but really prefer the original, but that is okay.

With all of this getting into reading with my new Nook, I rathe appreciate developing that aspect of who I am. I have always figured I have my whole life to live to who I aspire to be, while day to day I am the foundation of that person, I can build a little here or there to the overall self.

Well, with Nativity to celebrate in the morning, I ought to be in bed already, but I am especially liking the quiet and just being home. We were out most of the day, starting last evening! We are all looking forward to celebrating the feast and sharing the meal afterward with our church family. There will be food galore, meats and sweets, singing, merrymaking and general Christmas hoopla, which I think I underestimate how much time we will actually spend there. The liturgy begins at 10 and will end somewhere near 12-ish, then we will all file into the parish hall to pray, eat, hug, and such, the likes of which will probably set us coming home no earlier than 3. Just when I think I am getting out of the door, I'll see someone I haven't wished well yet and spend another small chunk of time catching up with them, as Kat runs around with her friends.

Well, I am off to bed, if I know what's good for me, but I hope to share more about books in the future, including, but not limited to, First Fruits of Prayer: A Forty Day Journey Through the Canon of St. Andrew, by Frederica Mathews-Green, which I am looking forward to, and Cranford, which the miniseries was based on.

Christ is Born! Glorify Him!!!

The First Post in 2012

Well, it is officially 2012, on the civil, and popular, calendar. We went to church today, had a lovely time, where I sang, met new people, introduced them to friends as I had to run to choir practice, helped serve food on my way there, and wondered about life. Such a propitious sort of day, I think. I came home, mostly in good spirits, though late in the day, read some of A Christmas Carol, while Kat wiggled around and Jay got dinner going. We watched a movie together as a family and sent the girl off to get ready for bed. She emerged from getting her p.j.'s on to scale the countertops finding her handmade mug, boil water, and set her infusion to steeping, all on her own...she's 8, people! Did I mention that she set the timer so she would know when it was ready to drink? She is pretty great, I only hope that I can live up to being her mom, the way she is being a funny, talented, funky, and smart kid.

Oh boy, what a day, but really, what a week! After being sick like I was, I can see why people write of being deliriously outside of themselves when they are ill. I can remember it all, so I can't have been too far gone, but it was fairly miserable, more than I have been in quite some time. I realize that, when I am, or have been recently, sick, I have a different sense of clarity in life, in general. I found myself saying many things, thinking far more, and having randomly interspersed dreams that were bordering reality in a fever-induced slumber. Technically, I am well again, though my physical health is of little importance, and I am sure that my life will squander on, if I continue in this way, but, if I pursue, I will find that which is tangible on the shroud's side of paradise.

Something I was dreaming about today, is how nice it was when we were in California and I was writing regularly, with something of some such import as to compel me to pen a word or two. However, being home, I am at a loss, these recent days, even weeks. We are busy, I am paralyzed through my own inability to make time to say something about the day. Possibly because it is dreary, rather than uplifting, this late in the fast, but I still would like to be more creative with that more often.

One more thing and I will be done for the night: We had the churching of 2 sweet little babies today! I LOVE a baby churching, with bitty little selves all wrapped in white, being presented as new members of the church family, through prayers and love, they enter into the Body of Christ. Lord, have mercy on us all. The second baby slept through the most of it all, but Maria, the first, was awake, alert, and gazing at angels as she was being presented. My mom always said that when babies are looking, but at what, we do not know or see, they are most surely watching the angels as they surround them. As I saw her tiny face so peaceful and content, I could think of nothing else, but of the angels that particularly fill the churches during the liturgy. Beauty at its simplest and finest.

Cold and Colds

It is SO cold, I tell you! I love having the seasons changing, as it slows me down to focus on other things, but it is C-O-L-D out right now. The high today is expected to be 23, with snow that has come since the wee hours of the morning. The most difficult for me about this particular climate is how I seem to always have something going on with my sinuses. In California, pretty much nothing, but back here in CO, where it is much drier, I get more congested and sneeze. It is hard to tell when things are related to a virus, or if it's the climate. I awoke this morning a little sneezy, which didn't seem to respond to my echinacea and elderberry blend, so maybe I need some pantothenic acid, if it is airborne. Kat has been sneezing a bit too, but it could just be weather and readjustment to being home again after two weeks away.

It wouldn't be as much concern to me at this very moment, except it is the forefeast of the Entrance of the Theotokos into the Temple (o.s.), and I really want to go! It is rarely on a sunday, so it is like a mini double feast, of sort. We missed all sunday services while we were gone, so I am wanting to get back into the swing of things and this nasal bit isn't helping. If it doesn't calm down before vigil tonight, we may have to miss it, especially if rest will mean we might all make it tomorrow, but that also means that none of us will make it to confess. You see, it is rather a predicament I dislike, but I am learning, bit by bit, how to allow others to take care of me, especially my dear husband.

We shall see how everything turns out. Here's to hoping and praying we make it to at least the liturgy.

The Not-So-Far Future

We are approaching the Nativity fast (o.s.) and will be preparing for the birth of Christ. As Kat gets older, I find that I am imagining new ways for us to experience the fast, and what they can do for her. She is rather attached to St. Nicholas Day, with the wonderment of a child, as it should be, but she gets giddy about it and it tends to get my wheels spinning. I want to be sure she understands each feast, so she is on track for their purpose, and that Christ's Nativity is of the utmost importance. She always manages to surprise me in her understanding and childlike ways, so as long as we set a good example as parents, I think things will go alright.

I am, however, imagining getting rid of a number of things upon our return home. It always seems to amaze me how little we can live with when we are on vacation. I mean, really! We have only a few outfits, I keep only my yarn tote, our computer, a few books, and about 2 pairs of shoes each. Not to mention, the amount we spend on food is astonishing (in a good way). I have done it before, and I may again, but we will only have less than a few weeks until St. Nicholas Day, when we get home, so I don't know how much will actually get done. I have hopes, there is always that. I have heard about people having kids donate and leave bags of their items for St. Nicholas to pick up and take to other kids, so that is always an option. Any ideas out there? She is 8, so it has to be age appropriate, I suppose. We do like to go drop things by and make her a benevolent giver on the eve of the feast, so I think that will help with the transition, when she becomes disillusioned about St. Nicholas coming in the night.

I am really looking forward to this fast, finally! I am grateful to be anticipating a fast so cheerfully. We have gotten a new vegan cookbook that is mostly gluten free, so it has helped with food. It isn't quite so draining to be thinking of fasting foods that are inexpensive AND gluten free. But, I also really look forward to drawing into myself, finding some spiritual growth or process that molds me a little more in the fire of His great love and mercy.

A glorious and fruitful fast to those who will begin, and those who has already begun. Glory to God in the Highest!

The Chiropractor, Tai Ji, and Missing Church

Well, I went to the chiropractor on friday to right a couple spots that weren't falling in suit with all of my Taiji. It has helped tremendously, but I have been a couple times to Taiji to try to keep the muscles and structure in shape to not slip away again. I have been sleeping with my legs atop a pillow, so to flatten my back and such, which has been good, but last night, I got cold and didn't sleep a lot.

When I woke up this morning, I laid there to discuss the day and what we could manage. I realized I hadn't even tried to get up and walk, so I did and it was strained, literally! I decided to lie down a little longer and take some naturopathic pain relief and drink some water. Jay settled me in to make sure I wouldn't get cold and the next thing I knew, it was noon! What? I guess I needed the sleep, but church was missed and I always struggle with missing any.

Tomorrow we have Jay's appointments at the V.A., store, and vigil for St. John of Krondstadt. I think if we didn't have more services this week, I would have pushed a little harder to get myself to church, but, instead, I let Jay care for me, which is harder for me sometimes, than missing church. It is probably a good lesson for me, because it is easy for me to shuffle myself off to services, but strangely difficult for me to allow my husband to care for me and make the call that I need some rest. I am sorry not have made it, but more grateful that I let the morning flow the way it should.

So, after getting up at lunchtime, I had a bowl of cereal with Katherine and played some Uno Attack. We played a couple games and, when the tea was ready for drinking, there was a knock at the door. The neighbor came to ask Jay a question about her car, but he was out for a few, so she stayed and played some Uno with us. Now I think it is time for some epsom salts, as per Jay's request for my muscles, and then some stretching and resting.

I love my family, I really, really do.

Memory Eternal, Anna, may you rest in peace

So, it has been kinda quiet on here since the funeral, but I think now is as good a time as any to post about it, while I still have some floating around.

Anna fell asleep in the Lord about 7 hours after I was blessed to say our goodbyes and the funeral was on the following wednesday. From evening on tuesday, her body was brought into the church for viewing, prayers, and the reading of the Psalter. Many people, both family and friends, scheduled time to read the Psalter in the candlelight. I shared a one hour shift reading with Faith, Anna's niece and the daughter of the priest who baptised my entire family all those years ago, when we still lived in Etna. So, when the alarm went off, after struggling with falling asleep and staying there, there was enough drag in me, that I had a hard time waking up. Thankfully, I had already set everything out, so all I had to do was do minimal preparation. I got out of the house in a short enough period, but the little dog saw fit to disturb Katherine, who eventually got up for the day around 4.

I arrived at the church in less time than expected, but I am glad I was early, rather than late, so I could settle in a bit. There were two others in the church taking their turns reading and I walked up to the coffin to venerate. As I peered into the casket, I noticed how peaceful she looked and I felt relieved. In all honesty, I wasn't sure what would be my reaction to any of the day, but relief wasn't anything I anticipated. Anna's body rested there, for final goodbyes, and kissed the forehead of the handmaiden and image of God. She is no longer suffering, Glory to God!

Faith got to the church and we agreed on our sets to read from the Psalter for our shift and went on with it, as planned. As I read and listened to the Psalms, I really appreciated the humanity of the words. The crying out, from the depths of self, in all ways, toward God, our Father. If you have ever read the Psalms, you are likely to understand what I mean by that.

When the next person arrived, we gathered our things, venerated the body once more, and left. After a few words exchanged, we got into our cars and drove off toward home. I figured that since the funeral began at 10 am, I had better just stay up, since I was already dressed and such, so I made my way to an open coffee drive-thru to grab a little something on my way home. I drove out to an area nearby the air force base to sit and drink my concoction and think. It was nearly six in the morning and the sun was barely making its presence known. When I finished my drink, I went home to find Katherine awake, watching a show, covered in a blanket. Apparently she had trouble falling back to sleep and got up to look at books, play, and watch something. We had a peaceful and lovely time before getting Jay up to ready him for the funeral.

There wasn't too much trouble getting to the church, but Faith told me to try to come early, since Anna was a teacher and they were closing the school for kids to go to the funeral, of they wanted, so it might be crowded. We got there at about 915 and I noticed that the person reading might appreciate a break, as it was apparent that she had been up all night, mingled with tears and talking. I offered to take over, so she accepted. Until the funeral started, Jay and I took over the reading, while people filed in. I was very glad to be of service to the family, so they could just greet incomers and spend their time together.

It was a usual service for a funeral in the Orthodox fashion. If you have never been to one, the best I can say is that it is a proper sending off, a wonderful bit of closure, no matter the cause. I am grateful to have this prospect for a funeral for myself, when the time comes. Fr. John stopped after the reading of the Gospel to say a little something and one of the things that I really loved was the quote on the back of the paper icon card that Anna chose. "I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again." ~Anonymous. Fr. John also mentioned that it was Anna's wish to have anyone, who wanted to make a donation, to give them to Faith, for her mission trip to Albania.

Afterward, we all had our last goodbyes and awaited the funeral procession to the cemetery. We followed the police escort (which was pretty neat, by the way) all the way to the final resting place of Anna, where we would sing more prayers. As the hearse was opened to withdraw the casket, her three sons, two nephews, and husband dutifully carried it to its rightful place. As they walked, I only imagined what my funeral might be like. I don't know who will carry me to my rest. If I am old, when the time comes, perhaps I will have some grandchildren who are able, but the idea made me cry. I know this isn't about me, but what good is death if it can't help us reflect on our own life and death. So I ask, who will carry me to my rest, because it has touched me in a way I didn't know was surfaced enough to call for attention.

Everything finished up and we all went back to the church for a meal. I believe that the mood had changed entirely, for the fullness of closure in the service allowed for everyone to bond and be solemnly cheerful, in a way. Funny thing about funeral's, they act as a catalyst for family reunions and I saw people, who are nearly family, that I hadn't seen in years, even decades! It was good to see people and I even had a dear friend who is like another grandmother to us, Elizabeth, remark to me that she is so glad she is Orthodox because all of the services are so beautiful. I have always thought that the measure of a faith lies in how they treat their dead, and I truly believe this.

Toward the end of the meal, Faith sat down next to me and she handed me a profile card about her intended trip to Albania and said she knew that I liked to knit things. I said yes, before she even asked. I then related how I told Anna, just a few days earlier, that I wanted to knit something in her memory, when she was gone from us, but no one else was in the room. It was quite clear that it is meant to be. I will be knitting things to send with her and, if you are a knitter or crocheter, maybe you would like to send something along, she hopes to have raised enough money to leave this upcoming summer for two years, so we have a bit of time.

Well, that is that, however anti-climactic. Life is as it will be, we are blessed to have our family, friends, struggles, and triumphs. May the God of peace, love, and light be with all of you.

Stuff and Nonsense

This is one of those times when I have nothing, and everything, to say. I am floating onward, however, very little upward action seems to be happening, but I may just look down at some point and notice a ascent. There is a bit of a reprieve right now, as things, though busy and fairly hectic, are offering a lull of peacefulness amidst the din of daily life. It is a bit of a calm, but I am not expecting a storm, because, in reality, that seems to be the order of each day, so normalcy can hardly pass for something stormy. It is what it is, but church, family, and knitting keeps me sane-ish.

I have been daydreaming again about having a soup kitchen one day. It is something very dear to my heart and, God willing, I hope to somehow accomplish it before I die. Some people dream about where they will live, maybe where they will travel...I think about serving soup to people who don't have much. I dream about knowing them on a first name basis and that somehow we will learn from one another, in this whirlwind of life; perhaps give me some glimpse into the face of God, or that I may offer my heart, which He gave me and tends, to those who come. I even imagined staying open all night long, if we had to, so 'they' wouldn't have to go out in the seriously cold temperatures that Colorado so bitterly offers us nearly every year. So, of course that leads to the having of beds and such places. And the daydream grows into an entire story.

We are trying to wake up at the same time every day now, so I had better get myself off to bed. Until next time.

Memory Eternal, Anna

I got an email from my mom a few days back about a long time family friend, who has been battling with cancer, on and off, for years, was nearing her end in this life. My mom asked if I would go represent the family in making our peace and saying goodbye. In all honesty, I ought to have made my appearance sooner, when we could have had a one on one conversation, instead of a one-sided one, due to her coma. Somehow, it escaped my mind completely, for a couple days, until I was abruptly reminded, then realized I may be too late, when her niece posted that they did not expect her to live past yesterday morning. The nurse was amazed that she was still around in the afternoon, resting in her bed, overlooking the beautiful yard full of color.

I went to church in the morning, fully anticipating that I would not have a chance to see her, and resigned myself to God's will, that if I was meant to be there, it would be, and if not, I might find acceptance. After church, I met with a couple of ladies from knitting to get some much needed needles to finish my dad's sweater and to knit for a few, then I came home to get Katherine ready for a birthday party. I got the message, in between all of the hubbub, that Anna was still with us and that I may come by whenever I can and that they'd contact me if she reposed before I arrived.

I didn't see any sense in dragging everyone over there, as I was capable on my own, and I wasn't sure what to expect, but that Katherine had the party planned for quite some time, which things turned out just fine in the end. After bringing them by the party, I gathered my things and my courage and set out to the unknown. It had been ages since seeing Anna, and most of the family, so I wasn't sure what to expect. On the way, I called my mom (don't worry, I have a cordless earpiece, it was as safe as having a passenger in the car talking). I told her I was on my way over and what the prognosis was. She said she was glad to know I was going and to please give hugs and kisses to everyone, in her stead. Anna and my parents are from the same generation and it is Anna's brother, Fr. Ambrose (then, Fr. Alexei), who baptised my whole family. We chatted for a few and I expressed how I felt like I was going there without anything to offer, to which my mom said they would just be glad I came. She asked if I had a little icon in the car to maybe lay there with her, so I took the one of the Theotokos.

Faith was there to greet me and show me in. Fr. John, from St. Herman's was sitting there next to Anna, with Peter, her husband nearby and I think there was one more, too, perhaps her sister, Justina. Fr. John got up to leave and I asked a blessing before he left, then I sat there next to Anna's right side. Most people began moving about, with things to attend and Faith stayed there with me for a few minutes. She said she was going to go out for a few minutes and then come back. I expected people would be in and out of there, perhaps staying for some time, but I realized they had all been there regularly, up to that point. I noticed that I was left with Anna in quiet, without so much as a sound, besides her breathing.

I sat there quietly for a few minutes with a hand on her arm, trying to gather some thoughts to articulate, because they say she could hear us. I began by telling her that I was sorry I hadn't come sooner, but I was grateful to make it when I did. I was back and forth between crying and talking. She lay there so peacefully and I found that felt helpless. I had nothing to give, so I told her I would do my best in praying for her, though it could not ever be enough. As I calmed to a quiet solemnity, I realized I hadn't seen anyone in awhile, but that I wasn't about to leave her alone. I decided to tell her stories of our family, both my own little family, as well as, my parents, brothers and sisters. She seemed to respond to a few things I said, as much as a person in a coma could do. When I related that our anniversary is the feast of Sts. Joachim and Anna, she opened her eyes most of the way. I wasn't sure of how much she was aware of, so I imagined that it was reactionary, but perhaps not completely intentional, but it seemed she was communicating with me. Soon Ian, her nephew, and Justina came back in to check before going, or resting. We were all talking and said they were so happy to see me, asking how the rest of the family is doing. We chatted a few more minutes before they went back out again.

A couple more people popped in momentarily, but I was mostly left to sit and talk, or keep the silence. After getting through the current family events that seemed pertinent, I looked over and saw a Psalter sitting on the table next to the bed. I leaned over to retrieve it, aiming to read her something to fill the quiet for a bit. I told her how it came to be my favorite psalm, then proceeded to read it aloud. As I read psalm 27(26 septuagint), it seemed to bring new meaning to it. It nearly made me cry, but it also offered strength and purpose to the moment. When I was finished, I set it back on the table, to linger in quiet just a little more. Her son came in with a friend of hers, so I gave her my seat, as I recognised this was quite obviously my cue. I gave Anna a hug, kissed her head and told her how we love her.

I recall there were moments, when we sat peacefully, that my heart spoke to hers, assuring that we'd carry on and that I could see her in her boys. At that moment in a person's journey, laid in wait for repose to consume, the people around you seem to reflect all that you have given them. There were pieces of laughter, a smile of recognition, but mostly, there was a quiet blanket of love that seemed to encompass everyone and everything. She has brought God's love to her family and friends, which was more evident in that glimpse, than ever before. What a blessing to witness.

As I left the house, I thought a bit about everything. It occurred to me that I was able to be there with Anna, while everyone else took an hour to relax, because someone else was on watch with her. They ate, slept, made phone calls to other family, all the while, Anna and I kept one another's company. I am grateful to have been a part of their relief and to have had something to offer. Glory to God! Maybe they imagined they were giving us time together, which was true, but I think it was useful for them as well.

This morning at 1:10 a.m., she passed from this world to the next and is without the bodily struggles anymore. May she find rest in a place of coolness, a place of green pasture, where there is no sickness, sorrows, or sighing, but life everlasting.

Prayer of the Optina Elders

I have posted this before, and it is such a nice prayer, I thought it deserves a reposting. It has such a concise and purposeful content, I need to remember to say it daily.

Prayer of the Optina Elders:

Grant unto me, my Lord, that with peace of mind I may face all that this new day is to bring.

Grant unto me Grace to surrender myself completely to Thy Holy Will.

For every hour of this day instruct and prepare me in all things.

Whatsoever tidings I may receive during the day, do Thou teach me to accept tranquilly, in the firm conviction that all eventualities fulfill Thy Holy Will.

Govern Thou my thoughts and feelings in all I do and say.

When unforeseen things occur, let me not forget that all cometh from Thee.

Teach me to behave sincerely and reasonably toward every member of my family, that I may bring them no confusion or sorrow.

Bestow upon me, my Lord, strength to endure the fatigue of the day, and to bear my part in all its passing events.

Guide Thou my will and teach me to pray, to believe, to hope, to suffer, to forgive and to love.

Amen.

Psalms of the Church

I go through phases, it seems, of appreciating the Psalms. I would say that I always appreciate them, in a sense, but there are particular times when I am really drawn in by a specific one, for its words, purpose or whatever it is offering at that time. Tonight, during the reading of the six psalms during the vigil, I heard Psalm 142 (septuagint) almost as if I had heard it for the first time in its entirety. The phrasing and words grabbed me and it transported me to a place with momentary clarity and peace. Here it is:

"Hear my prayer, O Lord; give ear unto my supplication in Thy truth; hearken unto me in Thy righteousness.

And enter not into judgment with Thy servant; for in Thy sight shall no man living be justified.

For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath brought my life down to the ground.

He hath sat me in darkness, as those that have been long dead; and my spirit is faint within me, my heart within me is troubled.

I remembered the days of old, I meditated on all Thy works, I mused on the works of Thy hands.

I stretched forth my hands unto Thee; my soul thirsteth after Thee as a thirsty land.

Hear me speedily, O Lord; my spirit waxeth faint.

Turn not away Thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.

Cause me to hear Thy mercy in the morning, for in Thee do I hope.

Cause me to know, O Lord, the way wherein I should walk, for I lifted up my soul unto Thee.

Rescue me, O Lord, from mine enemies; have I fled unto Thee for refuge. Teach me to do Thy will, for Thou art my God.

Thy good Spirit shall lead me into the land of uprightness; quicken me, O Lord, for Thy name’s sake.

In Thy righteousness Thou shalt bring my soul out of trouble, and in Thy mercy Thou shalt destroy my enemies.

And Thou shalt destroy all them that afflict my soul, for I am Thy servant."

These Psalms are so very human and that is part of why I like them. They are so grounded in humanity, but focused on Divinity. They have managed to be a solid part of the Old Testament, but are extremely relevant to the New Testament as well. We use them in prayer, both at home and in services. They are Scripture, but they are so relatable that they offer comfort in all times of life; in triumph and despair.

The point of this post is that when I heard this psalm, I heard the person, the you and me, every one of us. The core of each of us, because who hasn't felt this way at some time, who hasn't thought these things, wholly, or in part? The psalms are a beautiful reflection of the plight of each of us and a testament to the Divinity and workings of God. I love them. Do you have a favorite? One of my favorites is this Psalm 27(26 septuagint):

"The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.

Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.

One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.

For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.

And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD.

Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.

When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.

Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.

When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.

Teach me thy way, O LORD, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.

Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.

I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD."

V.A. and the Holy Cross, All in a Day

Ah, the V.A.! Oh how I loathe that hospital; where doctors are pharmacists and government medicine reigns. I kept my mouth good and shut this visit, because it is apparent to me how the western medicinal practices focus on the management of symptoms, rather than dealing with, and healing, what has gotten altered. Also, I kept my mouth shut because Jay asked me to let him do his thing because he has to jump through all of the hoops to get to the departments for any possible useful treatment. *SIGH*

I actually feel kinda bad for them, because they don't know what it is they aren't being taught; that their practice is only half-hatched. That is why I like holistic doctors best, where east meets west, it is like having a two-parent household, whereas one or the other is more of a single parent shindig. Two is good, offering more balance, like two legs. You get my drift.

We got a parking space up front this time, on a monday of all days!!! That was helpful in getting us up there to sit around and wait some more until someone calls you up for vitals, then go wait some more until the Doc is ready for you. However, Jay's doctor is very nice and he does try, I mean, at least he isn't a stodgy old boy, who thinks new fangled things are just that. He does care, though his job outside the V.A. is as an OB/GYN, LOL! That is funny to me somehow.

It does, however, prompt me to be more diligent in getting our dietary needs battened down. Though it is hard to stick with things all the time, it gets tiresome, but most things worth having require attention to detail and vigilance. Oh, so tired sometimes...

Well, we are on the forefeast of the Exaltation of the Universal, Holy and Life-giving Cross, so we will be getting ready for vigil in a little while. It is a wonderful feast and I always look forward to when we sing, "Before Thy cross, we bow down in worship, O Master, and Thy Holy Resurrection, we glorify!" Alternating it 3 times total in Slavonic and English.

this is the write up on : "† The Universal Exaltation of the Precious and Life-giving Cross
"Saint Helen, the mother of Saint Constantine the Great, when she was already advanced in years, undertook, in her great piety, the hardships of a journey to Jerusalem in search of the Cross, about the year 325. A temple to Aphrodite had been raised up by the Emperor Hadrian upon Golgotha, to defile and cover with oblivion the place where the saving Passion had been suffered. The venerable Helen had the statue of Aphrodite destroyed, and the earth removed, revealing the Tomb of our Lord, and three crosses. Of these, it was believed that one must be that of our Lord, the other two of the thieves crucified with Him; but Saint Helen was at a loss which one might be the Wood of our salvation. At the inspiration of Saint Macarius, Archbishop of Jerusalem, a lady of Jerusalem, who was already at the point of death from a certain disease, was brought to touch the crosses, and as soon as she came near to the Cross of our Lord, she was made perfectly whole. Consequently, the precious Cross was lifed on high by Archbishop Macarius of Jerusalem; as he stood on the ambo, and when the people beheld it, they cried out, "Lord, have mercy." It should be noted that after its discovery, a portion of the venerable Cross was taken to Constantinople as a blessing. The rest was left in Jerusalem in the magnificent church built by Saint Helen, until the year 614. At that time, the Persians plundered Palestine and took the Cross to their own country (See Jan. 22, Saint Anastasius the Persian). Later, in the year 628, Emperor Heraclius set out on a military campaign, retrieved the Cross, and after bringing it to Constantinople, himself escorted it back to Jerusalem, where he restored it to its place." (Great Horologion) A fast is kept today, whatever the day of the week."

Well, I had better get on top of some things today, because they won't get themselves done! Later!

9 years ago...well, close enough

Well, nine years have past, as of midnight, and we have been married that entire time. In our short married life, we have had a baby girl, been through a number of jobs and unemployed, moving, a deployment, a good job, buying a condo, working too much, pets, cars, serious illness, near death moments, healing, rebound illness, disability, schooling, growing up, growing up a child, road trips, reality; you name it, we have probably been there.

When I look at the big picture, I can't help but see what has stayed constant. Precious few have stuck around the entire time, though they do exist. The main one that I know has been the backbone of support for us as a couple, as parents, and as a family, is our church. We have had enough changes and things fall apart, we might as well be at rock bottom, but we are together, and quite happily, though it is overshadowed with the stark reality of today.

Our happiest, most jubilant days are spent there, as are our saddest, most desolate ones, we find solace, support, and strength to pull through. A solid rock of centuries old wisdom, comfort, and peace, with shelter to weather any storm. What a blessing to never have to question our faith through all of the trials which have befallen us and to be granted a deeper understanding of this faith of our fathers.

Seasons of life come and go, they weather on like the leaves of the trees, but the faith which has been handed down to us for two millennia stands strong, like the evergreen in winter. We may be dashed against the stones of life, we can always seek consolation in the arms of an unchanging, staunch, and compassionate faith such as this. I, for one, am grateful. Slava Bogu!

I love our faith and church, my husband and daughter, and the time we have.

Whispering

My heart knew Him well
As a child, many things are clear
He has always whispered to me
Whether I have ears to hear
But I have made other choices

There are times when I have walked away
Yet, He follows my every footstep
I have looked for different meanings
In various places and people
But have seen He is in all Creation

I have turned my back
While He laid the feast for me and mine
I have been all things, and more
Still, He awaits my return
In each lost human moment

I have begged for Mercy and Life
Because I am the cause of the death within
I realize that I am the one in desperation
While He sits with open arms
Freely offered and ever-present

Unity in Trinity and Trinity in Unity
Adjoin our hearts and minds
All of us, one with another
For we are cut from the same cloth
Though we have worn ourselves thin

Fuse us to the point of unrecognizable
Bring us peace in Your Mercy and Light
Grow us in Your Love and Understanding
To the inconstant, be the Rock
For the broken, heal the imperfection with Grace

Teach us to be as that child
The one who comprehends the inconceivable
Wearing our faith and diligence with honor
Pinned to our hearts within
Keeping us contented and simple

Lord, have Mercy on us all
With Your guiding, perpetual presence
Usher hope and comfort
Contributing to Peace and Love
Glory to God for all Things

Glory to God for All Things

ODE 5
The dark storm-clouds of life bring no terror to those in whose hearts Your fire is burning brightly. Outside is the darkness of the whirlwind, the terror and howling of the storm, but in the heart, in the presence of Christ, there is light and peace, silence. The heart sings: Alleluia!

IKOS 5
I see Your heavens resplendent with stars. How glorious You are, radiant with light! Eternity watches me by the rays of the distant stars. I am small, insignificant, but the Lord is at my side: Your right arm guides me wherever I go.

Glory to You, ceaselessly watching over me.

Glory to You for the encounters You arrange for me.

Glory to You for the love of parents, for the faithfulness of friends.

Glory to You for the humbleness of animals which serve me.

Glory to You for the unforgettable moments of life.

Glory to You for the heart’s innocent joy.

Glory to You for the joy of living, moving, and being able to return Your love.

Glory to You, O God, from age to age

I found this Akathist: Glory to God for All Things and think it is beautiful. I was actually looking to download any audio of Akathists, but this is what came of it instead. This portion which I have decided to share are my favorite, I think. It is the Ode that caught me and lines like "
Glory to You for the joy of living, moving, and being able to return Your love" that really stir around and settle in. I hope you enjoy!