Sunday, December 11, 2011

Tossing and Turning

It is times like now when I begin to feel the doldrum of this life. While I understand that the past 33 years of my life have gone by in nearly the blink of an eye, I find myself wading through the days, imagining all of the monotony to come. Day in, day out, sameness. Nothing to truly inspire me, as I fill my days with meaninglessness that pervades my every fiber. I am horrible at being anything truly useful, for if I were a proper vessel of God, would I not find more purpose? Would I not assume the position gracefully that has been rendered unto me?

It is not for me to understand, it is for me to muster motivation, perseverance, and courage, in these shadowy times of struggle. These mires of discontent and self examination do have a place, but I hardly can delineate what they are to become. I have a feeling of just wanting to throw in the towel, because what use is my day to day, but then the voice emerges from the depths of my heart that says, "Yes, surrender! Throw in the towel of this life, this earthly existence! Do away with the bland and meaningless, give in to the Eternal and Divine!"

How, oh, how?!?! It seems when the feet are bogged down by the muck and mud, it is easier to let oneself sink, but for the Glory of God, I would be a complete sunken mess. If not for God's radiant and permeating love and compassion, I would find myself in the absolute pit of self-destruction. In His mercy and kindness, I am in the midst of caring, support, and love, that I am so enveloped, I can see nothing else.

My greatest desire is to find peace, resting in His all encompassing perfection once again. May this fast in preparation for the King of all, bring fruits of the spirit to calm, quiet, and direct my latent potential. For if I do not know Heaven on earth, what hope do I have of Eternity?


elizabeth said...

take heart; God will not leave us. you are fighting what the desert fathers call acedia, the noonday demon; I struggle with this too.

a (((hug))) to you

Xen Xen said...

Thank you! :)