Such a Life

I suppose that purposeful morphing is somewhat better than sporadic changes, but I am such a person of such long periods of living in a decidedly internal dimension, that I find myself emerging without having known I entered. It is somewhat odd, I think, to be submerged into oneself in such a way, even when you are certain that the same aspect of you is still you, however distorted. It is an interesting life, that is absolutely certain!

I look around and see how constant so many other people are, how they appear to stick to themselves in ways I have not known. I cannot say for sure whether that is a good thing, I have simply made the observation. In one way, being a more seemingly steady person in this world shows a stability that is highly desired, in some cases. What gets me is how I know the constant current that runs through my heart that calls for the ebb and flow of the envelopment of transformation on whatever level it is needed. What is not seen in me is the perpetual and vibrant life song that courses through my being, though I am changeable to this world.

As I have said, I cannot say whether it is good, but I am sure that it is perfectly suited to me and my journey in this life. I am assuredly blessed beyond words and imaginations, therefore my gratitude grows in the maturation of such times of contemplation and self-discovery. What mercy I have been given, what blessings are abundant, what life that God has given me. It is a blessing to see the wonderment and magnificence. Glory to God for all things.

Pivotal Purposing

You know, you would think that having your husband back from a deployment that was admitted as something that 'never should have happened', would be adjusting and carrying on, life as usual, in some respect. I will tell you that this is rare in most cases. My husband that left right before our daughter's first birthday is not the one who came home. That man was molded into someone who was not supposed to feel, just do. He is still in there, but there is damage that only I can see sometimes, because he has only ever been fully himself in his life with me.

You might imagine that time heals all wounds, but what if you never get to face them because things like work, life, raising a child, subtle ptsd, family, and time just seem to pass you by, whether you have come to any terms, regardless. It has now been 6.5 years, through a deployment, work, life, sudden and life-threatening illness, that I am beginning to feel myself again. Yes, I have learned a great deal more than I ever thought was possible in such a short time, but how does a person go in one side, only to come out the other side over half a decade later?

We are forever broken in this life. We have health complications that may never clear up, only be managed, we have one child, when we had hoped for more, we are covered in woe, it would seem, but for the Church, I would have drowned in that woe. If not for God's people, knowingly or not, we would be sunk in a pit of life. If not for our trials, I may still have a list of earthly fears. What would seem so pitiful, has transformed us into that which is focused on God, His angels, Saints, love, perfection, etc., what more could we ask? I am grateful to have made it back at all, though I look at the scars in my worldly persona and I sigh. From the dreadful depths have we come, but none but God can understand its extent.

God is good, no matter the circumstance, for we can never know the purpose in our struggles at the time that they come. We do see Eternity with Divine eyes, but mortal ones, which can play tricks on us. My life is but a passing flame, in a world of embers and coals, would that I find a great purpose, to the Glory of God.

Sunday School

Well, after a lot of talking about it, and now having a true need, with a growing parish full of kids, I will begin teaching sunday school. During the homily, I will be teaching about the fasts, feasts, saints, and rubrics, to our young parishioners. I confess, I am a bit anxious, but after the first go round, I am sure things will settle. I have already printed up some pages for coloring, troparion and kontakion, as well as, a story to read as they color. Katherine has asked if I will make some extra one's so she can color it at home. I love that she is getting into it with me, since she will be in my class too.

While I was going to start tomorrow, I just spoke with Fr. Boris and his son's graduation is immediately following the service, so we won't be able to go on as planned, however, it was a bit quick anyway. He will be gone for St. Herman's Conference with the youth the following weekend, so we are aiming for the sunday prior to Nativity (o.s.). I think he wants to be sure to establish me as a new teacher without feeling rushed and having the opportunity to introduce me to families who may not be familiar with me. I told him, "No problem, I will just have some more time to feel things out." Which is true, I will get a better idea of what I want to do.

Well, that's it for now. If you have an inkling, please keep me in your prayers as we begin this new journey and work out the kinks! Glory to God for all things!

From, 'Wounded By Love', By Elder Porphyrios

"Complete trust in God-that's what holy humility is. Complete obedience to God, without protest, without reaction, even when some things seem difficult and unreasonable. Abandonment to the hands of God. The words we repeat during the Divine Liturgy say it all: "Let us commend our whole life to Christ our God." The secret prayer of the priest says the same thing: "We commend our whole life and hope to You, O loving Master, and we entreat You and beseech You and supplicate You..." To You, Oh Lord, we leave everything. That is what trust in God is. This is holy humility. This is what transfigures a person..."

Tossing and Turning

It is times like now when I begin to feel the doldrum of this life. While I understand that the past 33 years of my life have gone by in nearly the blink of an eye, I find myself wading through the days, imagining all of the monotony to come. Day in, day out, sameness. Nothing to truly inspire me, as I fill my days with meaninglessness that pervades my every fiber. I am horrible at being anything truly useful, for if I were a proper vessel of God, would I not find more purpose? Would I not assume the position gracefully that has been rendered unto me?

It is not for me to understand, it is for me to muster motivation, perseverance, and courage, in these shadowy times of struggle. These mires of discontent and self examination do have a place, but I hardly can delineate what they are to become. I have a feeling of just wanting to throw in the towel, because what use is my day to day, but then the voice emerges from the depths of my heart that says, "Yes, surrender! Throw in the towel of this life, this earthly existence! Do away with the bland and meaningless, give in to the Eternal and Divine!"

How, oh, how?!?! It seems when the feet are bogged down by the muck and mud, it is easier to let oneself sink, but for the Glory of God, I would be a complete sunken mess. If not for God's radiant and permeating love and compassion, I would find myself in the absolute pit of self-destruction. In His mercy and kindness, I am in the midst of caring, support, and love, that I am so enveloped, I can see nothing else.

My greatest desire is to find peace, resting in His all encompassing perfection once again. May this fast in preparation for the King of all, bring fruits of the spirit to calm, quiet, and direct my latent potential. For if I do not know Heaven on earth, what hope do I have of Eternity?

Heavy Tides

I feel so much inside myself, that it seems my words could not explain. It is rather plain, but still so complex. I make that of myself, for sure, but it is magnified at times. I hear my thoughts resounding in my heart and head much more clearly, but find the unrest both comforting and disquieting. A torn person within myself, not so easy to find the answers. Somehow, at the very same time, there is a peace tugging away, as an undercurrent of my overture making for a picture that commands both calm and magnanimous images. It conjures up inside the part of myself that gets passed among the tides, with an effortless ebb and flow, calling my name eerily. This reverie of life crosses my thoughts in images, colors, and smells, but where shall I land? That I may awake on Your shores of Eternity....

The Not-So-Far Future

We are approaching the Nativity fast (o.s.) and will be preparing for the birth of Christ. As Kat gets older, I find that I am imagining new ways for us to experience the fast, and what they can do for her. She is rather attached to St. Nicholas Day, with the wonderment of a child, as it should be, but she gets giddy about it and it tends to get my wheels spinning. I want to be sure she understands each feast, so she is on track for their purpose, and that Christ's Nativity is of the utmost importance. She always manages to surprise me in her understanding and childlike ways, so as long as we set a good example as parents, I think things will go alright.

I am, however, imagining getting rid of a number of things upon our return home. It always seems to amaze me how little we can live with when we are on vacation. I mean, really! We have only a few outfits, I keep only my yarn tote, our computer, a few books, and about 2 pairs of shoes each. Not to mention, the amount we spend on food is astonishing (in a good way). I have done it before, and I may again, but we will only have less than a few weeks until St. Nicholas Day, when we get home, so I don't know how much will actually get done. I have hopes, there is always that. I have heard about people having kids donate and leave bags of their items for St. Nicholas to pick up and take to other kids, so that is always an option. Any ideas out there? She is 8, so it has to be age appropriate, I suppose. We do like to go drop things by and make her a benevolent giver on the eve of the feast, so I think that will help with the transition, when she becomes disillusioned about St. Nicholas coming in the night.

I am really looking forward to this fast, finally! I am grateful to be anticipating a fast so cheerfully. We have gotten a new vegan cookbook that is mostly gluten free, so it has helped with food. It isn't quite so draining to be thinking of fasting foods that are inexpensive AND gluten free. But, I also really look forward to drawing into myself, finding some spiritual growth or process that molds me a little more in the fire of His great love and mercy.

A glorious and fruitful fast to those who will begin, and those who has already begun. Glory to God in the Highest!

Our Trip to St. Barnabas, So Far

We managed a midweek service at St. Barnabas last night. I had hoped to fit it in, but you never know when you aren't at home. We got there a bit early, but I am glad because it is nice to familiarize with new churches and surroundings. We talked with a man and his son, Luke, for a little bit, who seemed quiet happy to have Kat around for interaction. I think she was also grateful for something to distract her from the unfamiliarity of the venue, as she is rather attached to our home church.

After a bit, we went into the church, which was brimming with comfort and peace. I had recently told Jay that I missed church and finally realized that it was the hole in my daily existence. No matter how comfortable I am here, it is still not home, and we are not in our routine. It got me to thinking about people in far off lands where they have not had the physical temple, and prayers within, and surrounding, them throughout a service, due to communism, and other bleak disturbances. What a misery to have to endure such detachment from the divine services of the faith, but also what a building block for unadulterated faith for anyone, so long as it is recognised as such. Just as Christ prays in the garden of Gethsemane, so does a person in such a situation, I imagine.

The service consisted of vespers and a molebin for the sick. I had emailed our friend, Sarah, who let the priest know I wished to add my husband, dad, and Matushka to the list. Everything was lovely and I could see God in everything, but not just the written images of Christ in the icons of Himself and His saints, but also in the image of His people, His flock, who are quite obviously in His fold. It is wonderful to have found a place so near that we can attend and, if we must, forego the long drive into LA. If we make it to the garment district, I can see the lengthy journey, but for services, I would recommend, without reservation, going to St. Barnabas, in Costa Mesa.

Chrysalis of Life

I was thinking the other night that we are all like a caterpillar, here in this life. We have our fleshly needs, our simple understanding, as we amble along. We are drawn toward becoming fattened; metaphorically, with life, love, and wisdom. As we find ourselves turing inward, this is the moment where a caterpillar begins its cocoon. As we rest and conserve, there is a sense of contemplation, solitude, and growth. In leaps and bounds, our souls are transformed, as in the last days of our lives, we attune our sensibility to the next step in what will become of us. As we are closer to the release, the cocoon provides a more lucid view of that which is around, while still a part of the same body we once knew. The pupa fades away into a life reborn into its eternity. The soul flies away, on the wings of the butterfly, whether it is fed on the fruits of wisdom and love, or ignorance.

This caterpillar's life is the tangible function, like the humanity wherein we are clothed. It is like the veil in which we are draped before we become a butterfly, as our bodies are released from one corporal life, into the spiritual. We do not always know what awaits us, but we can be certain, it will be more than we ever imagined, because how can a caterpillar expect to understand flight, until it goes to its tomb inside the chrysalis? So too, a human cannot conceive of the immeasurable life beyond our flesh, without first dying to this life, to become ready for flight.

Glory to God in the Highest, Who Loves His Flock

When we strip away the layers of who we believe ourselves to be, right down to the absolute core of our innermost beings, what will we find? If we take away our logical explanation and listen to the heart's reaffirmations, what will we hear? If we do not like what another is doing, we cannot change it, but ask for God to work in our own hearts and convert us from thinking we know what is right, for if God is truly the God of all, then who are we to assert we can know best for another in matters of the spiritual? If we strip away those outer shells of our conscious knowledge and examine what we find inside, our neighbor may have a soul more pure than anything we can imagine, though we have not understood his actions, practice, and presence. God is omniscient, we are not. To pretend that we are is presumptuous, indeed, for any of us.

In the end, I doubt we will be asked if we were right, but rather, have we known God, Christ, and the Spirit. Did we follow His commandments, do His work, and offer ourselves in service to our fellow man, our neighbor, who is Christ. We are all, in one way or another, a different reflection of the refracting brilliance of God's love and purpose, so rather than quarreling with one another, Christian or not, perhaps emanating the love and life God has given us, we may find peace in His arms, where we may ask Him to direct our steps toward proper understanding.

St Seraphim of Sarov is known for saying, "Save yourself and thousands around you will be saved." In essence, meaning that if we work on our own spiritual growth and gifts, we have God flowing in us and through us, offering a multitude to those around us, thus assisting in being an example, but also benefiting in practice toward our brothers and sisters. If we cultivate our own understanding and focus on our own weaknesses, we do not have the time to muddy anyone else's waters. This is my own crude understanding, but I think it fits. The spreading of the Gospel is not always done with verbal interpretation, but through contact and action with others. We are given to one another to strengthen ourselves and one another, to carry one another when we are weary, to clothe and feed those without, to give selflessly of ourselves in the same manner that the ever burning love and light of God indwell us always, in this life and the next. If He is not with us now, in intimate unity and fullness, how can we expect to know Him when we die. For, as a person who flies toward the sun, we cannot expect to be of ourselves, in separate existence, when we meet. If our souls truly be eternal, we are given this life to regain our wholeness with God here and now, so that when we die, we are rejoined immeasurably. Just as life is a journey, not a destination, so too, Heaven is not a physical place, separate from us, Heaven is God within us, living and working within the soul.

"With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body, and one Spirit, even as ye are called in one hope of your calling; One Lord, one faith, one baptism, One God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all." Eph. 4:2-6

Please forgive me, a sinner.

"They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick.
But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." Matt. 9:12-13

Glory to God for all things!

9 years ago...well, close enough

Well, nine years have past, as of midnight, and we have been married that entire time. In our short married life, we have had a baby girl, been through a number of jobs and unemployed, moving, a deployment, a good job, buying a condo, working too much, pets, cars, serious illness, near death moments, healing, rebound illness, disability, schooling, growing up, growing up a child, road trips, reality; you name it, we have probably been there.

When I look at the big picture, I can't help but see what has stayed constant. Precious few have stuck around the entire time, though they do exist. The main one that I know has been the backbone of support for us as a couple, as parents, and as a family, is our church. We have had enough changes and things fall apart, we might as well be at rock bottom, but we are together, and quite happily, though it is overshadowed with the stark reality of today.

Our happiest, most jubilant days are spent there, as are our saddest, most desolate ones, we find solace, support, and strength to pull through. A solid rock of centuries old wisdom, comfort, and peace, with shelter to weather any storm. What a blessing to never have to question our faith through all of the trials which have befallen us and to be granted a deeper understanding of this faith of our fathers.

Seasons of life come and go, they weather on like the leaves of the trees, but the faith which has been handed down to us for two millennia stands strong, like the evergreen in winter. We may be dashed against the stones of life, we can always seek consolation in the arms of an unchanging, staunch, and compassionate faith such as this. I, for one, am grateful. Slava Bogu!

I love our faith and church, my husband and daughter, and the time we have.

The Air is Cooling Off And So Are We

Well, it's that time again where I post something about how we are all worn out from whatever it is and that we will be using these upcoming weeks to lay low. We have had a lot going on, but we have also got more coming up. In the next two weeks alone, we have 6 days of church (for special feasts), 2 appointments for Jay and a trip to Berry Patch for raspberries galore and we wanted to include a visit to the art museum somewhere in there. That doesn't even include our anniversary on thursday!

I love our birthday-anniversary-liturgical-new-year-feast day-berry-harvest month, but october is so welcome every year. It has a couple of extra services spread out, but the weather changes, for certain usually, the days are full of walks, changing leaves, soup, hot cereal, tea, sewing, knitting, and so on. Can you tell it is my favorite?

Now for the part that I don't like, where I have to tell everyone that, although we love peoples' company dearly, we have to slow things down a bit or we will never make it through the holiday season. I am aware it doesn't begin for about 2 months, but if you have lived with someone, or have, chronic illness, you will understand how important down time really is. If we don't take the time now, we will pay later. Chances are, we will pay a little later anyway, there isn't really anything, besides going to church, that doesn't have some repercussion after the fact, or contribute to an oncoming issue.

Jay's health is stable, over all, but he has had some very off days lately which are concerning to me. He hasn't had a problem with migraines for a long time, at least, we haven't had to use his migraine stuff for full-blown migraines in awhile, but he got one last week, even taking his migrelief preventative. He got a bad one on Labor day, too, so I know something is off and we need to slow down. Stimulation, whether good or bad, is trying on his system, so the more we can limit that, the fewer issues he tends to have.

I went to church last night and, halfway through, began sneezing. I thought it may have been the new incense, but as it turns out this morning, I have the beginning of a cold. I am sure I needed to slow down, but unless I am unable to get out of bed at all, I still think I should go to church. I got totally ready to go, and was doing ok, until right before we were supposed to go, I just started sneezing and sneezing. I was in tears to Jay and Katherine hugged me a lot. I just don't like missing church, but God knows best and I am sure there is a lot of purpose in this. I made myself some echinacea, lemon balm, ginger, rose hips, red rasp leaf and chamomile infusion last night and I am due for more.

Well, to the point of this post. We will be going on a sort of lockdown soon, until mid-november. We are really hoping to scrimp and save to make it to my grandma's for Thanksgiving, which means we will have a 'Crafter's Bench Christmas', because we will spend any extra money to go, but it is worth it. Meema is 95 and won't be around forever, so it means a lot to me to go; she is like another mom to me, in some ways. So long as we can all be together through it all, that is what matters, right? I have things I can sew and knit and, since the weather will change, I will be doing it more anyway. So, in the interest of everyone's health and ability to make through the winter months and holidays to come, we may have to bow out of many different things, but it has everything to do with us, not you.

One thing that has to be remembered about chronic illness is that, although the person may seem functional, it is not in the same fashion of an average person. Their energy may be spent long before they want it to be, but they will smile through a lot of it. When they get tired, it may take days to recover their strength, or may have to sort of a side effect, like headache, etc. Also, please keep in mind that he may not even know how much he needs to rest, even if he knows he isn't in top shape (relatively).

Well, that is it for now and thanks for understanding! Glory to God for all things!

Whispering

My heart knew Him well
As a child, many things are clear
He has always whispered to me
Whether I have ears to hear
But I have made other choices

There are times when I have walked away
Yet, He follows my every footstep
I have looked for different meanings
In various places and people
But have seen He is in all Creation

I have turned my back
While He laid the feast for me and mine
I have been all things, and more
Still, He awaits my return
In each lost human moment

I have begged for Mercy and Life
Because I am the cause of the death within
I realize that I am the one in desperation
While He sits with open arms
Freely offered and ever-present

Unity in Trinity and Trinity in Unity
Adjoin our hearts and minds
All of us, one with another
For we are cut from the same cloth
Though we have worn ourselves thin

Fuse us to the point of unrecognizable
Bring us peace in Your Mercy and Light
Grow us in Your Love and Understanding
To the inconstant, be the Rock
For the broken, heal the imperfection with Grace

Teach us to be as that child
The one who comprehends the inconceivable
Wearing our faith and diligence with honor
Pinned to our hearts within
Keeping us contented and simple

Lord, have Mercy on us all
With Your guiding, perpetual presence
Usher hope and comfort
Contributing to Peace and Love
Glory to God for all Things

Soften This Heart

Broken from the inside out
Unable to think where to begin
Words speak little of the truth beyond
As hollowness skulks nearby
Awaiting its prey in the shadows
Where depths of heaviness descend
Sinking into the person within
The farther they go
Down into brilliance
With an absence of color
Night interrupts day
Into peaceful solitude
Contemplation begins anew
Resolve is barely conceived

O, God, my God
Hear my call and visit me
For this darkness can be nothing
With You by my side
Emptiness is refilled
In Your very wake
Weakness is complete
In Your embrace
Strength is given freely
By virtue of Your peace

Dispirited and disheartened
Gather me together
Soften this heart
Teach patience and fortitude
Humility and wisdom
Though I am a capricious student
Heal this mess in spite of me
Grant me the opportunity
To walk with You in Grace
To talk with You in times of need
To listen when I cry out
Answer what I need to hear
Be always by my side
In this weary tumult of life
Mold this heart of mine
Keep my path before me

I do not know how to be unbroken
O God, help set my feet aright
Glory to God for all Things
In all ways, forever

The Girl in the Cowgirl Hat

I looked over at the girl wearing a red felt cowgirl hat, two-tone pink striped shirt, khaki short pants and sparkly white flowered church sandals. That is my baby, who is almost 8. We were driving to the store together with the windows down and she pointed out the song that came on the radio was talking about riding with the windows down, so she crinkled her little, freckled nose into a smile that was sweeter than words. At that moment, I got choked up and had a flash forward twice her life from now when she is a teenager and looks at me with that same sweet face, in instances like today.

I love her and supremely grateful for her in our lives. God knows just what a mom needs to have her heart humbled and melted. I did think about what it would be like to have more little lovelies, wondering just what kind of nuances might be. I imagined that my heart is like a plant or tree, and love for my family and friends, like the flowers that bloom. Each of them a beautiful representation of a perfect love that functions best when in harmony with the whole. The flowers cannot bloom without care; watering, sunshine, shade, mineralized soil and, hey, we even talk to our plants. Without the combination of the factors, the greens would not survive to bring forth flowers, the fruits of care, diligence and faith.

Well, that is all for this one. Glory to God for all things, especially being aware enough to recognize blessings daily, whether we like them, or not. Love to you all.

Grateful as I Grumble

Today after church I had set up a Thanksgiving Molebin. For those of you who don't know, we serve molebin's in the Orthodox faith for something specific, often to a particular saint whose intercession is desired, based on their real life (for example, a saint who cared for orphan and other children, may be asked for intercession) or other such things. Long story short, we pray to a saint for intercession and when we have answer, or semblance thereof, we give thanks to God, hence the Thanksgiving Molebin. Think what you will, but it was 10 days after a molebin for answers, on the Feast of Christ's Ascension, which became Pentecost on the 10th day, when we got the answer about Jay's health 3 years ago, so I do not, personally, doubt the purpose.

Alright, back to my purpose, the molebin was requested because of an intricate family matter that was intense and then was, quite literally, miraculously resolved, for the time being. To be sure, it is great to give thanks, and we do as many times as we muster during the day, but when you are appreciative for one thing in particular, but struggling with others, sometimes the gratefulness can be rather a stretch. Lately, with the washer broken and our money being spread thin, it lingers in the back of the mind with every thought and attachment.

Here's the thing, I was standing there while we awaited the molebin, chewing over whether it was right to have a Thanksgiving molebin, when I didn't feel as grateful and thankful as I had when it first occurred to me to have it. Rather, should we be also having one in favor of our situation, as well as the Thanksgiving. I mulled over that one for a few and during the first few minutes of the service, the answer popped into my head. No, I shouldn't be predisposed to the idea of making supplication when everything that we have is already in our favor. It isn't to say that prayers for certain things are not good, but, in other words, Glory to God for all things. If I am to be grateful for that which I want and request, I must also be grateful for that which I need in order to grow. Just because I don't care for something, doesn't mean there isn't reasonable purpose for it in my life.

Honestly, the roundabout way it was presented in my mind's eye was: "What would I tell Katherine?" I would tell her exactly that we need to be grateful for all that we have, not matter what it is and whether or not we care for its place. To take the good withthe bad. So, there you have it, a nearly rambling blogpost on molebin's, life lessons and getting exactly what is needed. Miracles and simplicity is everywhere, so long as we take a moment to breath and observe. At least, that is my experience thus far.

Until next time,