Spiritual Revelation and Peacefulness

In the book I am reading by St. John of Krondstadt, there is a portion which struck a chord. It discusses early on how we must prepare ourselves to be firm in our convictions when we ask anything of God. We must be bold and unwavering, knowing that everything seen and unseen, possible and seemingly impossible, are all in the realm of God's omnipotence. I found myself realizing how little faith I possess, no matter my thoughts on the subject, and have thought, "And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:24, KJV) My heart has been weak, but "...he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 COR 12:9, KJV) In this weakness and these trials I have come to learn the faintness of my own heart, the changeable nature which I perpetuate, but it is glorious, because in my understanding, I have peace, hope, direction, and clarity!

"It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found." (Luke 15:32, KJV) I feel just like this in many ways of my being, that I have been renewed, yet again, by God's grace, love, glory, and teachings. Just when I have thought it was exhausting to be in this life, to be dragging myself around from time to time, day in and out, God has shown me much mercy and comfort! If could tell you what awaits a person who stays the course of the fast and how the feast day is magnified in the heart and soul, you would never fall away and would always choose to be close to God. By no means do I have any perfection in me, but the growth and life of my every fiber is held up and made whole by the God of love, peace, joy, and all things that make the heart shine in unceasing gratefulness and plentitude.

May you all be so blessed as to know the utter existence of the King of Peace. Love to you all and happy feast of St. Seraphim of Sarov (o.s.)! (Please know that I was writing this in some haste, so if you would kindly forgive any clerical errors, I would appreciate it.)

Humility, a Thought

Today I had a most unexpected lesson in humility. I learned an aplicable way as to how it is not about what I want, but also what true humility really is.

For one, I have wants and willfulness, much to my chagrin, that I have learned to nurture in this worldly life I have kept at the back recesses of my self. Those things poke up their ugly little heads when I am weary, in doubt, and turn where I ought to have stopped to contemplate. When I am dragged along in this mess I perpetuate, I often have moments of clarity that offer a bit of insight to life and purpose, which touch me to the very core of my being. That is the beginning of my day today.

Later in the day, I had a chance to realize what humility looks like, what its truth brings. I had the thought that, sometimes, it is not so much how little we think of ourselves, but how much we see in one another. That we treat the other person as if they are truly divine within themselves, both in body and spirit; that their reflection is honestly and sincerely that of God Himself. Truth and beauty that lies inside us all, in fullness and in grace, with love and peace.

Pivotal Purposing

You know, you would think that having your husband back from a deployment that was admitted as something that 'never should have happened', would be adjusting and carrying on, life as usual, in some respect. I will tell you that this is rare in most cases. My husband that left right before our daughter's first birthday is not the one who came home. That man was molded into someone who was not supposed to feel, just do. He is still in there, but there is damage that only I can see sometimes, because he has only ever been fully himself in his life with me.

You might imagine that time heals all wounds, but what if you never get to face them because things like work, life, raising a child, subtle ptsd, family, and time just seem to pass you by, whether you have come to any terms, regardless. It has now been 6.5 years, through a deployment, work, life, sudden and life-threatening illness, that I am beginning to feel myself again. Yes, I have learned a great deal more than I ever thought was possible in such a short time, but how does a person go in one side, only to come out the other side over half a decade later?

We are forever broken in this life. We have health complications that may never clear up, only be managed, we have one child, when we had hoped for more, we are covered in woe, it would seem, but for the Church, I would have drowned in that woe. If not for God's people, knowingly or not, we would be sunk in a pit of life. If not for our trials, I may still have a list of earthly fears. What would seem so pitiful, has transformed us into that which is focused on God, His angels, Saints, love, perfection, etc., what more could we ask? I am grateful to have made it back at all, though I look at the scars in my worldly persona and I sigh. From the dreadful depths have we come, but none but God can understand its extent.

God is good, no matter the circumstance, for we can never know the purpose in our struggles at the time that they come. We do see Eternity with Divine eyes, but mortal ones, which can play tricks on us. My life is but a passing flame, in a world of embers and coals, would that I find a great purpose, to the Glory of God.

A Little Hope Lingers, But Her Heart Is Full

"...sometimes, it's because I don't have any siblings." My little love said this to me through tears last night. She was having a hard time with some things, but mentioned that her rough patches seem to be accentuated by the fact that she is without siblings. *sigh* How I would change it, if I could. I do my best to say that if it is meant to happen, it will, and keep my chin up toward God's mercy, which has carried us thus far. Perhaps that will help her to keep God in all things, even in the hardest moments. I would be saddened if she was to place any blame, because things are as they should be, we don't always understand why until later, if ever.

To those of you who are blessed with any more than one, please do not take your blessing lightly. Cherish each time they argue over something, someone gets hit, or they run to you with their troubles about their brother or sister. Soften your heart a little more, knowing that there are those of us who would give much, to have such a blessing.

It may never happen, but I cannot completely give up all hope. Although, she is getting older and, as the years fly on, will near the age of having her own babies. I told her last night that I hope to hug and love her babies, and I especially hope that she has many to fill the place of those we have not had. Of course, we cannot know the Divine plan...

Love

"Love is the most powerful means of defense there is. There are no weapons and no power that can measure themselves against love. Everything is defeated by love." ~From Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives, by Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica.

On Her Way Up

I look into the face of my little girl and, now, more than ever, I see her all grown. She is poised, beautiful, lovely, funny, and also still clumsy, for now. I see it a lot in many of the pictures that were taken less than a year ago because, in comparison, she is so much older and shaped. It amazes me to see her maturing so neatly, into a sweet, darling package of love. She is at risk of becoming a girl who is smart, bold, creative, practical, and gorgeous. I am not really sure what we will do with that girl, but I am sure that she will be loved through it all...

My light, my love, my heart...

Glory to God in the Highest, Who Loves His Flock

When we strip away the layers of who we believe ourselves to be, right down to the absolute core of our innermost beings, what will we find? If we take away our logical explanation and listen to the heart's reaffirmations, what will we hear? If we do not like what another is doing, we cannot change it, but ask for God to work in our own hearts and convert us from thinking we know what is right, for if God is truly the God of all, then who are we to assert we can know best for another in matters of the spiritual? If we strip away those outer shells of our conscious knowledge and examine what we find inside, our neighbor may have a soul more pure than anything we can imagine, though we have not understood his actions, practice, and presence. God is omniscient, we are not. To pretend that we are is presumptuous, indeed, for any of us.

In the end, I doubt we will be asked if we were right, but rather, have we known God, Christ, and the Spirit. Did we follow His commandments, do His work, and offer ourselves in service to our fellow man, our neighbor, who is Christ. We are all, in one way or another, a different reflection of the refracting brilliance of God's love and purpose, so rather than quarreling with one another, Christian or not, perhaps emanating the love and life God has given us, we may find peace in His arms, where we may ask Him to direct our steps toward proper understanding.

St Seraphim of Sarov is known for saying, "Save yourself and thousands around you will be saved." In essence, meaning that if we work on our own spiritual growth and gifts, we have God flowing in us and through us, offering a multitude to those around us, thus assisting in being an example, but also benefiting in practice toward our brothers and sisters. If we cultivate our own understanding and focus on our own weaknesses, we do not have the time to muddy anyone else's waters. This is my own crude understanding, but I think it fits. The spreading of the Gospel is not always done with verbal interpretation, but through contact and action with others. We are given to one another to strengthen ourselves and one another, to carry one another when we are weary, to clothe and feed those without, to give selflessly of ourselves in the same manner that the ever burning love and light of God indwell us always, in this life and the next. If He is not with us now, in intimate unity and fullness, how can we expect to know Him when we die. For, as a person who flies toward the sun, we cannot expect to be of ourselves, in separate existence, when we meet. If our souls truly be eternal, we are given this life to regain our wholeness with God here and now, so that when we die, we are rejoined immeasurably. Just as life is a journey, not a destination, so too, Heaven is not a physical place, separate from us, Heaven is God within us, living and working within the soul.

"With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body, and one Spirit, even as ye are called in one hope of your calling; One Lord, one faith, one baptism, One God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all." Eph. 4:2-6

Please forgive me, a sinner.

"They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick.
But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." Matt. 9:12-13

Glory to God for all things!

In All Things

Do you ever just have those moments when you are stopped in the tracks of your day and things don't seem so hard anymore? I just had one. For all of my complaining in struggles, I really ought to be sure to search out and state what the silver lining is, because there always is one, like in my favorite Psalm 27, 'The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is my strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid.'

In nearly all my years, I have not lost someone close to me. There have been people that I have known who have died, but they were more acquaintances, so the attachment is different when it isn't someone with whom you have woven a bond made from heart strings, smiles and words in all necessity. I was small when my grandpa died and wasn't even born when my dad's dad passed on, so I still have both grandma's, as well as, mom and dad, aunts and uncles, brother, sisters, cousins, friends, etc. Glory to God!

The closest I have gotten was to be there through a good friend's second pregnancy knowing, from part way in, there was no way he'd survive past birth. If my heart breaks just a fraction of what it did when I hugged my friend at the memorial, or saw the pictures of them together as a family, or every time I think of and tell their story, or when the white doves flew at the March of Dimes for all the babies with birth defects who couldn't be with us today, I am sure to find a new meaning in God, as times like that can only further the internal search of life, love and family.

Each life is beautiful. We are blessed to be here together, even with the ones we'd rather not be, and we ought to be grateful for every single time we open our eyes each day, for those things filled therein, every breath we take to sustain the very beat of the heart. We are, none of us perfect, but we cannot teach love through hate and animosity, so no matter what we think or feel, if we are not overrun in love, how can there be any peace and joy? If we can be so attached to ourselves in our fallen and broken nature, we can certainly strive to envelope the entire human race in our hearts, just as we keep ourselves, and as Christ commands, we begin with our neighbor. Our own troubles do not outweigh our brothers, but our pride and selfishness would have us believe it does. Our love can only multiply and uncover compassion, forgiveness and understanding; who among us would willingly shun these gifts?

Life is precious and we have so little earthly time to become united, must we be so blinded by our daily woes, that we cannot see the simplest perfections in struggling together? Take a moment to reflect on how bad things really are; remember the orphan and widow, poor and destitute, those captured and imprisoned unjustly, those who have lost a spouse, parent or child, those with terminal illness, disability or physical pain daily. Some of us live with these things, others know someone, and there is hardly a life not touched by one of these afflictions, but if we all take one small step at a time toward healing ourselves with and through one another and crush dissension, just imagine what could be.

Some would call me a dreamer, but this is the mixing of my head and my heart; it always has been and I doubt things will change. In all things, God's will be done.

Right now

Outside my window...

The sound of birds singing in the evening twilight with alight breeze gently moving the bamboo chimes.



I am thinking...

About my family and how productive today was, but I am tired.



I am thankful for...

My husband, of 9 years, this past thursday
A beautiful daughter who is growing into a solid young girl
A place to call home
Good friends
Video chat, so I can see my family out west (and even knit with my mom online!)
Food to eat
Mild weather
A caring church family
Patience...


From the learning rooms...

Hmm, Katherine is into dinosaurs a lot; Jay is into reading a lot more, when his eyes can manage; I am harnessing my ability to follow directions in a cookbook and be more organized around the house.



From the kitchen...

It is CLEAN! I scrubbed the kitchen today, so that makes it extra special. As for food, we have borrowed a new cookbook and really like it so much. We made a really tasty soup puree, as per Kat's request, that has things like parsnips, potatoes, white beans, scallions, garlic, shallots, tarragon, dill, etc. and it is a family favorite that is very warm and filling. We also plan to make some kale chips soon and tomorrow night, Jay has chosen to have mushroom topped/stuffed baked potatoes that are made with sauteed onion, bell pepper and mushroom-YUM!!




I am creating...

My dad's sweater, my vest (if I ever finish that thing!), A tea cosy for Columbina, a dress to be sewn for Kat and I think that is all that is on the needles or table.



I am going...

To take it easy and practice my long-suffering through patience and being in the moment with my family more.


I am reading...

That book about St. Maria Skobtsova of Paris, Pearl of Great Price
A book of poetry from the library by Thoreau
Knitting patterns :o)


I am hoping and praying...

That we get enough rest until the holidays hit and afterward
That the VA is favorable and quick with Jay's added disability request for extended coverage
That we get some rest tonight and have a fresh day tomorrow, for a relaxing sunday


I am hearing...

Canadian Geese, an airplane and my little family talking.


Around the house...

There are still things that need to be worked on, but things are neat enough for a sunday afternoon.



A few plans for the rest of the week:

Oh boy!!! Two appointments for Jay, services for the Exaltation of the Holy Cross, friends, Berry Patch Farms, canning, Lair o' the Bear, Costco....Um, I think that covers it. At least it starts AFTER tomorrow!



Here are some picture thoughts I am sharing...

9 years ago...well, close enough

Well, nine years have past, as of midnight, and we have been married that entire time. In our short married life, we have had a baby girl, been through a number of jobs and unemployed, moving, a deployment, a good job, buying a condo, working too much, pets, cars, serious illness, near death moments, healing, rebound illness, disability, schooling, growing up, growing up a child, road trips, reality; you name it, we have probably been there.

When I look at the big picture, I can't help but see what has stayed constant. Precious few have stuck around the entire time, though they do exist. The main one that I know has been the backbone of support for us as a couple, as parents, and as a family, is our church. We have had enough changes and things fall apart, we might as well be at rock bottom, but we are together, and quite happily, though it is overshadowed with the stark reality of today.

Our happiest, most jubilant days are spent there, as are our saddest, most desolate ones, we find solace, support, and strength to pull through. A solid rock of centuries old wisdom, comfort, and peace, with shelter to weather any storm. What a blessing to never have to question our faith through all of the trials which have befallen us and to be granted a deeper understanding of this faith of our fathers.

Seasons of life come and go, they weather on like the leaves of the trees, but the faith which has been handed down to us for two millennia stands strong, like the evergreen in winter. We may be dashed against the stones of life, we can always seek consolation in the arms of an unchanging, staunch, and compassionate faith such as this. I, for one, am grateful. Slava Bogu!

I love our faith and church, my husband and daughter, and the time we have.

Pieces of Peace

We are not the same as when we married
Though we are each one half of our whole
Sometimes my heart gets broken
All over again...

We are so young
Yet aged so quickly within
This life so fleeting
With flashes of the present

It isn't what we thought it would be
Nowhere near what we dreamed
To be crushed by this weight
By this unforgiving humanity

A better life than we had planned
Unfolds before our eyes
Beneath our feet, the path is laid
One step at a time

More than ever, heartfelt devotion
Divine compassion and symbiosis
The coal becomes a diamond
The fire of these trials purifies

O God, continue Your Mercy
Give us strength and wisdom
Patience and kindness
Peace and Love, Forevermore

Metamorphosis of Self Through Trial and Error

As per my burnout post, I have given a little more thought and have discovered an analogy for me in my life's lessons and struggles. I am not so much a hermit, though I do find myself appreciating some alone time to sort through my internal workings. Rather, I have decided, whether I am a moth or butterfly, I go through my trials and eat them up and become fat, tired and weary with them. I take in just enough more to enter into my cocoon where I process, which is longer or shorter, based on what length is needed for how much stuff is getting mulled over. When all is said and done, I come out on the other side transformed to fly about and appreciate all of the business that has been undertaken to get to that point. Oftentimes, it doesn't last as long as one might hope, but the appreciation is still evident and present.

This is me, for better or worse, this is how I function and I am grateful for the people in my life that make it possible. Whether by direct influence, or by a simple gesture. Thank you to all the people who know me and truly love me just the way I am.