Pivotal Purposing

You know, you would think that having your husband back from a deployment that was admitted as something that 'never should have happened', would be adjusting and carrying on, life as usual, in some respect. I will tell you that this is rare in most cases. My husband that left right before our daughter's first birthday is not the one who came home. That man was molded into someone who was not supposed to feel, just do. He is still in there, but there is damage that only I can see sometimes, because he has only ever been fully himself in his life with me.

You might imagine that time heals all wounds, but what if you never get to face them because things like work, life, raising a child, subtle ptsd, family, and time just seem to pass you by, whether you have come to any terms, regardless. It has now been 6.5 years, through a deployment, work, life, sudden and life-threatening illness, that I am beginning to feel myself again. Yes, I have learned a great deal more than I ever thought was possible in such a short time, but how does a person go in one side, only to come out the other side over half a decade later?

We are forever broken in this life. We have health complications that may never clear up, only be managed, we have one child, when we had hoped for more, we are covered in woe, it would seem, but for the Church, I would have drowned in that woe. If not for God's people, knowingly or not, we would be sunk in a pit of life. If not for our trials, I may still have a list of earthly fears. What would seem so pitiful, has transformed us into that which is focused on God, His angels, Saints, love, perfection, etc., what more could we ask? I am grateful to have made it back at all, though I look at the scars in my worldly persona and I sigh. From the dreadful depths have we come, but none but God can understand its extent.

God is good, no matter the circumstance, for we can never know the purpose in our struggles at the time that they come. We do see Eternity with Divine eyes, but mortal ones, which can play tricks on us. My life is but a passing flame, in a world of embers and coals, would that I find a great purpose, to the Glory of God.

Sunday School

Well, after a lot of talking about it, and now having a true need, with a growing parish full of kids, I will begin teaching sunday school. During the homily, I will be teaching about the fasts, feasts, saints, and rubrics, to our young parishioners. I confess, I am a bit anxious, but after the first go round, I am sure things will settle. I have already printed up some pages for coloring, troparion and kontakion, as well as, a story to read as they color. Katherine has asked if I will make some extra one's so she can color it at home. I love that she is getting into it with me, since she will be in my class too.

While I was going to start tomorrow, I just spoke with Fr. Boris and his son's graduation is immediately following the service, so we won't be able to go on as planned, however, it was a bit quick anyway. He will be gone for St. Herman's Conference with the youth the following weekend, so we are aiming for the sunday prior to Nativity (o.s.). I think he wants to be sure to establish me as a new teacher without feeling rushed and having the opportunity to introduce me to families who may not be familiar with me. I told him, "No problem, I will just have some more time to feel things out." Which is true, I will get a better idea of what I want to do.

Well, that's it for now. If you have an inkling, please keep me in your prayers as we begin this new journey and work out the kinks! Glory to God for all things!

From, 'Wounded By Love', By Elder Porphyrios

"Complete trust in God-that's what holy humility is. Complete obedience to God, without protest, without reaction, even when some things seem difficult and unreasonable. Abandonment to the hands of God. The words we repeat during the Divine Liturgy say it all: "Let us commend our whole life to Christ our God." The secret prayer of the priest says the same thing: "We commend our whole life and hope to You, O loving Master, and we entreat You and beseech You and supplicate You..." To You, Oh Lord, we leave everything. That is what trust in God is. This is holy humility. This is what transfigures a person..."

Tossing and Turning

It is times like now when I begin to feel the doldrum of this life. While I understand that the past 33 years of my life have gone by in nearly the blink of an eye, I find myself wading through the days, imagining all of the monotony to come. Day in, day out, sameness. Nothing to truly inspire me, as I fill my days with meaninglessness that pervades my every fiber. I am horrible at being anything truly useful, for if I were a proper vessel of God, would I not find more purpose? Would I not assume the position gracefully that has been rendered unto me?

It is not for me to understand, it is for me to muster motivation, perseverance, and courage, in these shadowy times of struggle. These mires of discontent and self examination do have a place, but I hardly can delineate what they are to become. I have a feeling of just wanting to throw in the towel, because what use is my day to day, but then the voice emerges from the depths of my heart that says, "Yes, surrender! Throw in the towel of this life, this earthly existence! Do away with the bland and meaningless, give in to the Eternal and Divine!"

How, oh, how?!?! It seems when the feet are bogged down by the muck and mud, it is easier to let oneself sink, but for the Glory of God, I would be a complete sunken mess. If not for God's radiant and permeating love and compassion, I would find myself in the absolute pit of self-destruction. In His mercy and kindness, I am in the midst of caring, support, and love, that I am so enveloped, I can see nothing else.

My greatest desire is to find peace, resting in His all encompassing perfection once again. May this fast in preparation for the King of all, bring fruits of the spirit to calm, quiet, and direct my latent potential. For if I do not know Heaven on earth, what hope do I have of Eternity?

A Little Hope Lingers, But Her Heart Is Full

"...sometimes, it's because I don't have any siblings." My little love said this to me through tears last night. She was having a hard time with some things, but mentioned that her rough patches seem to be accentuated by the fact that she is without siblings. *sigh* How I would change it, if I could. I do my best to say that if it is meant to happen, it will, and keep my chin up toward God's mercy, which has carried us thus far. Perhaps that will help her to keep God in all things, even in the hardest moments. I would be saddened if she was to place any blame, because things are as they should be, we don't always understand why until later, if ever.

To those of you who are blessed with any more than one, please do not take your blessing lightly. Cherish each time they argue over something, someone gets hit, or they run to you with their troubles about their brother or sister. Soften your heart a little more, knowing that there are those of us who would give much, to have such a blessing.

It may never happen, but I cannot completely give up all hope. Although, she is getting older and, as the years fly on, will near the age of having her own babies. I told her last night that I hope to hug and love her babies, and I especially hope that she has many to fill the place of those we have not had. Of course, we cannot know the Divine plan...

Death and Travel

Today we talked about a lot of stuff, considering I am not much use at doing anything hardly. One of the things we talked about is death. She is, at times, still stricken with paralysis, when the subject of death arises. Some of it is connected to her papa's health struggle and journey, I think, having her mortality issues coming on over a year, or so, ago. I asked her if she was afraid of dying, she said no. This is good, but her little heart is so heavy with the thought of losing her mom or dad.

I told her about when I was about her age and sat with my dad in the dark night, because I couldn't sleep, and he was the only one up. He has always been so good to talk to, so I was able to talk without as many words as others people. I related how I felt, but that it was good to talk to my dad about it, because it helped take some of the weight off of my heart. I encouraged her to talk to me, and assured her that what she is thinking and feeling is perfectly normal.

On a lighter note, we also discussed travel. I asked her where she'd like to go and, to my surprise, her answer was China and Africa. I mean, really? She says she wants to go to Africa for the cheetahs. I told her that I want to take her to Alaska, Mexico, and France. In Alaska, there is fishing, camping, beauty, and so much more. In Mexico, I told her of beaches. In France, I reminded her that is where Giverny sits, awaiting visitors and artists.

We can dream, right?

Cold and Colds

It is SO cold, I tell you! I love having the seasons changing, as it slows me down to focus on other things, but it is C-O-L-D out right now. The high today is expected to be 23, with snow that has come since the wee hours of the morning. The most difficult for me about this particular climate is how I seem to always have something going on with my sinuses. In California, pretty much nothing, but back here in CO, where it is much drier, I get more congested and sneeze. It is hard to tell when things are related to a virus, or if it's the climate. I awoke this morning a little sneezy, which didn't seem to respond to my echinacea and elderberry blend, so maybe I need some pantothenic acid, if it is airborne. Kat has been sneezing a bit too, but it could just be weather and readjustment to being home again after two weeks away.

It wouldn't be as much concern to me at this very moment, except it is the forefeast of the Entrance of the Theotokos into the Temple (o.s.), and I really want to go! It is rarely on a sunday, so it is like a mini double feast, of sort. We missed all sunday services while we were gone, so I am wanting to get back into the swing of things and this nasal bit isn't helping. If it doesn't calm down before vigil tonight, we may have to miss it, especially if rest will mean we might all make it tomorrow, but that also means that none of us will make it to confess. You see, it is rather a predicament I dislike, but I am learning, bit by bit, how to allow others to take care of me, especially my dear husband.

We shall see how everything turns out. Here's to hoping and praying we make it to at least the liturgy.

Heavy Tides

I feel so much inside myself, that it seems my words could not explain. It is rather plain, but still so complex. I make that of myself, for sure, but it is magnified at times. I hear my thoughts resounding in my heart and head much more clearly, but find the unrest both comforting and disquieting. A torn person within myself, not so easy to find the answers. Somehow, at the very same time, there is a peace tugging away, as an undercurrent of my overture making for a picture that commands both calm and magnanimous images. It conjures up inside the part of myself that gets passed among the tides, with an effortless ebb and flow, calling my name eerily. This reverie of life crosses my thoughts in images, colors, and smells, but where shall I land? That I may awake on Your shores of Eternity....